Which way to turn?

Thanks RP I was thinking of dragging Karma to the mall for a walk this weekend anyway, so I'll check into it.

"feel the fear and do it anyways" I like that! It acknowledges the feeling but doesn't allow it to become an excuse. I think it may just get added to my vision board.:D
 
"Feel the fear and do it anyway".

This is, almost verbatim, what my old martial arts instructor used to tell me when I was studying Muay Thai.

Intriguing parallel. That line convinced me to round the corners on 4 x 4 lumber with my shins :).
 
I'm not really sure where I am today. Other than high on pain pills. Woke up with my neck so stiff I can't move it and it puts pressure on the vertabrae that ends up making my arms go numb. Fun Fun!

Karma and g/f had a make up day today b/c she had random family show up yesturday. I spent most of the day in bed, but we all hung out for a bit.

They were much more affectionate then they have been. In a way it was nice to finaly have it out there. But I still felt the twinge in my heart. This little "that's my husband your kissing and biting." But the feeling drifted away just as quickly as it came. I can't say I felt compersion, or even the slightest bit of happiness, but I didn't feel angry or crushed either.

So I'm kinda unsure of my feelings at the moment. I'm still not jumping for joy, but it's not the end of my world either.

I think things would be easier if I knew the demons I was fighting. If I knew where the pain was coming from. Why does it hurt so bad that he loves someone else? It's not the physical, b/c I've determined if he didn't care about them it wouldn't matter to me. That's why we talked swinging and the like in the first place. The only difference being was the idea of our own unicorn. Someone we were both involved with.

What I have figured out so far:
I don't want to be/ or feel that I am being left out
It hurts that he loves someone else
I'm feeling territorial and don't know why
I'm affraid I will no longer be special b/c she'll meet all of his needs
I know that I can have feelings for or experiences with others, that do not take away from my feelings for him; But I don't understand or maybe don't trust that it is the same for him

I dunno, I guess I'm slowly figuring things out and slowly moving forward.
I almost want to take Derby's advice and just let them sleep together and face the fear, but I am so affraid I don't have my anxiety and depression under control enough to handle it.

We're going to try another attempt at making it to DC tomorrow, so hopefully after spending sometime with my man as just us and having "us" reinforced, I'll have some more ideas and possibly some answers.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!
 
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As a side note, if you apply Bio-Freeze to your Fibro-Myalgia suffering wife, and then kiss her recently-coated neck, your whole mouth goes numb and tingly.... I'll never do that again. :)
 
Mohegan said:
I dunno, I guess I'm slowly figuring things out and slowly moving forward.
I almost want to take Derby's advice and just let them sleep together and face the fear, but I am so affraid I don't have my anxiety and depression under control enough to handle it.


Hope everyone has a great weekend!
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That was just my advice because that's what I chose to do with my husband and his girlfriend. The worrying about it was so much worse than actually just letting it happen. But things might be different for you than they are for me.

-Derby
 
Derbylicious said:
The worrying about it was so much worse than actually just letting it happen.
-Derby
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That's what I am begining to wonder. Am I making it harder, because I am so worried about the what ifs? The only way to know for sure is to go through it and see.
 
Had a great night but now I feel like I've been run over by a truck. Karma and I were able to go out together and see our friend that has been in the hospital and then to the bar and then some us time. He saccraficed a party for time with me and I know he really wanted to go to the party. That means a lot. Yes time with friends is needed, but I need the comfort of falling asleep with my husband. I need that one constant right now and it was really nice to have that acknowledged.

I'm kinda at a stand still right now with all our drama. I think I know what the problems are, the ones I listed earlier. But I don't know what to do about them.

The pressure has been lifted, Karma has been very understanding and comforting and that has gone a long way. I still feel some pressure though. He's my husband, I know what he wants and I know he is frustrated that he can't have it. So I put pressure on myself to hurry up and figure this all out. And then I try to remind myself that they just started kissing in front of me, how fast do I wanna go? It feels like skipping about 6 steps to say okay go have sex.

It's frustrating b/c everything I think of, I'm okay with, yet something holds me back. The thought of my husband sleeping with her physicaly hurts me. Yet I don't know why. I need to know the why for all it to address it.

So I guess back to more reading and thinking and trying to figure shit out.

Have a great weekend!
 
The important thing is that we're not just standing still. That was my biggest issue - not knowing what you needed from me. We have that part figured out. I can deal with the rest, as long as we're working on things and I know what's going on and what you need me to do.

I love you.
 
I'm loved :D

Not in as much pain today so I'm hoping to get a walk in.

I have to say all the Violet/HMA drama really has me hurt. And as far as I know none of his attack was directed at me, but still it hurts. There is just so much emotion there.

Karma and I have a date day this week, but the movie he wanted to see isn't out yet so I'm not sure what we'll do. Maybe give the museum another try and then a different movie? Either way looking forward to it.

Made protein smoothies and got a salad made up last night. Hopefuly now we won't eat out as much. I read a higher protein diet is better for fibro patients, so we'll give it a try. I'd much rather control it with protein than pills.

Nothing else really new. I'm still kind of stuck and unsure what to do next. Karma was a little shocked to read an e-mail I was writing and he found that g/f and I aren't as far along as he thought. I'm not sure what he was expecting. I no longer hate her and only mildly distrust her, but she's still not someone I'd choose to be friends with. It's mostly personality. I need strong willed people who can put up with me, not take my shit and tell me when I'm being a bitch. In someways she is strong willed, but I censor myself a lot with her b/c I'm afraid she'll tuck tail and run. My friends have very strong and loud personalities. She may have that, but it seems trapped in a shell that hasn't broken yet.

Maybe one day we'll move past all this and be friends instead aquaintences, but right now, I still don't really know her. That's on both of us. I haven't really tried and she hasn't offered. I want to try and concentrate on what I have on my plate now before I overwhelm myself with things to fix. She and I are no longer on opposing sides, so that's where it will need to be for now.

I may post more later, but for now I have dinner to get in the oven, laundry to put away and bills to pay.

Hope everyone has a positive week!
 
So completely aside from figuring out where Karma and I stand and where g/f and I stand, there is also Un boyfriend. Who seems to have fallen off the face of the Earth.

He went from telling me how much I make him smile, how much he misses me, how he can't wait for life to slow down so we can go to the movies...to nothing.

I haven't gotten a response to my last 4 messages. The last 2 being -I usualy hear back from you by now, are you okay?

He is getting online and communicating to other, though by phone. So I do know he is at least alive.

I'm afraid maybe I was too excited and pushy, having not dated in 8 yrs and ignoring the passes made at me, I really had no idea how to act. And he is so afraid of overstepping bounds that I wanted to make sure he knew it was okay.

I'm trying not to take it personal, he hasn't been up to see our friend who was in the hospital, and they are pretty close. He said he would, then didn't. So I am hoping he is just busy with school and work. B/c that is really out of character for him.

It's disapointing. There was a lot of emotion there. Excitement, nervousness, suspense, and now let down. We haven't spoken in a month. Aside from a comment on a facebook status 2 weeks ago, I haven't heard from him.

I'm kinda lost. It's not like we had anything going on. Maybe as time went on after we kissed he's decided to back away.

I could call, or send him a message asking my questions, but again I fear being to pushy.

So instead I'll keep working on my marriage, my relationship with g/f, my health, school, and let whats going to happen, happen.
 
Ahhhhh!

Peace is an amazing thing. For the first time in over a year I feel peace withing my soul. I wrote a few days ago about how conectrating on ones self inorder to heal made no sense to me. How could me being more confident end my fears of Karma having another affair?

I also wrote that I didn't think it solved that fear as much as it makes me aware that I won't fall apart if it does happen again.

But after a night to myself, that I didn't even know I needed, I have found peace.

I walked 3 miles today, met all my nutritional goals, and just chilled. While stretching after weight training I had an amazing thought. I feel me re-emerging. I feel the legs of dancer wanting to stretch and reach. I feel strength emerging. I feel ready to conquer the stagnant life I've lived for the last few years.

I don't think I am completely ready to let go and say they can have sex, but thinking of it today didn't hurt. I wasn't over come with fear. I was nervous. Not sure why. But it's something new and other than pain and fear so I'll count it as a step forward.

I'm feeling my confidence coming back. I had a thought today of "yes he's with her, yes he loves her, yes he may spend the night with her, but who does he come home to? Who does he talk to about it? Who does he work problems out with? Who did he choose to marry? Who is he still with after all of this?" I don't know why I didn't see it earlier. He chose to stay after I found out. He had an out and he chose to stay and make this work. I chose to stay and make this work. That should have been the biggest confidence boost ever, and I am just now getting it.:eek:
 
Mohegan,

So glad to hear your coming to some peace for yourself! Seems like changing your diet has helped health wise and exercise.

I have every confidence you will find yourself on the right path.

LYBL
 
Still riding my high! Got in another 3 mile walk and upped my protein some more and my pain is still at a managable level. No where near where it's been the last few weeks. :D Happy Dance!!!

Karma and I spent the day doing nothing. Watched a movie played apps on facebook and generaly screwed off. He did make me breakfast-beef tips and potatos (we didn't get up until 6 pm) cuz I'm trying to increase protein.

Tomorrow is date day and given our sleep sched I don't think it matters that I am feling better, I don't see us getting to DC before the museum closes, So no plans for date day, but we'll think of something fun.

We talked a bit tonight about confidence and how a friend of ours and I seem to have the same confidence issues and her b/f and Karma don't get it. Our friend thinks it's b/c his g/f is affraid he'll leave her, and it may be, we haven't talked about it. But he says he loves her and that has nothing to do with her weight.

I get that, but Karma did almost leave, there were several affairs and at one point he did specificaly say my weight and lack of doing anything about it, caused him to have less of a desire to be with me.

Now before anyone flips out - I GET THIS. I look at me in the mirror and I wouldn't date me. There has to be physical attraction. Now he says that has changed as my confidence has come back. Again my theory that personality can change perception of how someone looks. When we originaly talked about bringing someone home-I picked people that had already showed interest b/c I was affraid someone would say yes, until they met me. Huge fear of that rejection.

Karma says he doesn't get that or see it. And apparently they are numerous people that show interest that I have been blind to. But that doesn't make a difference in my head.

But I guess this whole take care of me thing is changing that. Because I am less worried about rejection. Taking more of an "it's their loss" look at things. And honestly, if I get my body back to where it was when KArma and I met, or better, I'll still have some hang up that won't be up to my standards.

I don't think it's a change in how I feel about myself that confidence effects as much as it is a change in how I'll deal with or handle the situations I fear. I'm no longer thinking " well why aren't I good enough" now it's more of " you're loss". I just hope I'm not kidding myself. One of those demons I need to fight, I guess.

But overall another good day, another day of moving forward, facing demons, solving problems and getting life back in order.

Now if only one of us could get a job!
 
Mohegan said:
But I guess this whole take care of me thing is changing that.
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I'm absolutely delighted you are taking control of making yourself feel better and more confident :) I often see people who seem unbalanced when it comes to taking care of thier complete being because they are so focussed on one aspect. Sometimes it is too much on the physical side, other times it is too much time in thier head.

This is great to hear and inspiring :D
 
Thanks Mono, I tend to have a very all or nothing attitude which has gotten me into some trouble in the last few years. Mostly just giving up when I couldn't juggle EVERYTHING. I'm feeling really good. 5 days in and my pain is undercontrol, my energy is different. I have blisters from walking the mall today ( Time to get new shoes). But I only did a mile, and Karma had to tell me that was all I could do today.

The mental, physical and spiritual all go hand in hand. I don't think I could work on myself and reaching a point of wellness, if I didn't work on all three. It's great to have Karma's support in all this. He gets excited for me when I meet and exceed a goal. That makes me feel awsome. Knowing that he is seeing the effort put forth to not only better myself, but to better us.
 
Mohegan said:
But I only did a mile, and Karma had to tell me that was all I could do today.
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Get some 5lb weights to lift when you don't have the energy to take a walk. You can do it sitting on the couch (I know not the best, but something) or standing doing squats, lunges, etc.
 
SNeacail said:
Get some 5lb weights to lift when you don't have the energy to take a walk. You can do it sitting on the couch (I know not the best, but something) or standing doing squats, lunges, etc.
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She already has 'em :) The hard part - for me, anyway - is reining her in when she pushing harder than her body can handle. The girl doesn't know when to quit sometimes!!

But that's one reason I love her. <3
 
Knocked the hell out of all my workouts and nutrition goals this week. I'm feeling great. Seeing changes, even if the damn scale says I gained 4.5 pounds. Thing about fibro is that the muscles rebuild faster so I know I build muscle really. I'm hoping that's all it is, cuz my math says I shoulda lost that 4lbs not gained it.

Oh well.

Had a nice relaxing week with my boy. I loves him. This is his weekend with g/f but we aren't sure when he'll get to see her as she has stuff going on.

I find myself wondering if we'll ever be close, or if we'll always be on two opposite ends of the V. I don't know that I want it or not, it's just something in limbo and I hate limbo. Kinda like the unboyfriend who fell off the face of the earth. Another thing in limbo. Grrr I'm ruining my Zen.

Off to snoogle and fall asleep with my love.
 
I am so mad right now! Mostly because I can't sleep and apparently can't communicate, because my brain is on a delay. Something those of us with fibro, call fibro fog. Sometimes I feel like a stroke victim because I know what I want to say, and hav eno ability to say it. So them Karma gets mad when I finaly am able to say it, b/c it's after the fact. We just had a lovely bout of him yelling and me saying nothing. I am so frustrated! He has all this patience for girlfriend. Any time she's screwed up or confused about something or whatever, he has all the understanding and patience in the world. I have two nights of panic attacks, hangover from the meds, and being unable to put into words what is in my head, and suddenly I need to figure shit out and let him know when I have my head straight.

What really upset me was that my non boyfriend told me something about his health in confidence. Karma accidentaly got onto facebook under me instead of him and read the e-mails. Whatever, I don't hide anything. But I stressed that this was in confidence and non b/f had specificaly asked me to not tell Karma. So Karma and g/f and are discussing non b/f and how he's fallen off the face of the planet and Karma mentions he's sick. And then speculates that it has something to do with drinking.

Okay first off what part of confidence don't say anything did he miss (he did say he forgot at which point I asked him to make sure she knew not to say anything, as that looks bad on my part, and if rumors start floating, I'll feel like the shittiest friend on the face of the planet)

Secondly, don't speculate, b/c if those rumors do start to fly, they'll be wrong and that's a lot worse than the above scenario. It has nothing (as far as we know right now) to do with alcohol at all. He doesn't drink anymore than anyone else we hang out with, so that's an unfair judgement to be throwing out there.

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I was completely okay with my husband having another womans scent on him. I wish I was okay with my husband curling up with another woman. I wish I knew why it felt like my heart was being ripped out all over again. But I don't! I don't have the magic answer! I don't know why I keep flip flopping back and forth. I envy the people on here who can go to their SO's houses and then come home to their loving spouse. But right now that doesn't work either, so damn it I need a little time and attacking me because I can't come up with words to put in my damn mouth doesn't fix anything.

BAH!! Well I kind of feel better. If anyone has advice on how to get over pain that I can't even justify anymore or even understand where it is coming from, I'm all ears, or eyes as the case may be.
 
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