Which way to turn?

First storm of the year, spent it with good friends around a fire in a backyard, then went out and took what is essentially communion with my god - just reconnected, let the wind and rain and lightning wash all the pain and tears away, let it clean out these wounds.

I feel better than I have in a while right now. Tired from a good day of fighting hard, but better and more at peace with things.
 
Hmm. Apparently I'm an asshole and the Bad Guy even when I try to be polite.

Whatever.
 
We must come to accept that life is full of constant change, constant growth, and constant transformation.--paraphrased from Eat Pray Love


So very true. We are a month away from the day that put my life on another path. For a moment I found myself wishing it had never happened. How would things be if I never found out? How would things be if I had kicked him out and tried to move on? How would things be if I had found out and told them it ended and never welcomed her into my life?

I can't live a life wondering what if. I was offered a series of paths, and I chose this one. And I have learned quite a bit while on it. I'm thankful for it. It's been a hard year full of questions and trials. But also full of learning, answers and connection. Another great quote from the movie (I'm watching it now) "If you want to get to the castle, you've got to swim the moat." and another " You've got to learn to select your thoughts the same way you select your clothes everyday."

Tonight I'm in a very reflective mood. Things happened the way did, for a reason. I don't know what that reason was for Karma, or Cricket or J. But for me, it was to wake up and live my life. And I am doing just that. I feel great because of it. I can't get caught up in the what ifs if I'm caught up in the now.

One of the best things I learned, is that love truly the most powerful magic. And within love is forgiveness. And before forgiveness comes knowledge of self. With that knowledge comes the ability to be true to yourself. Within that truth is the ability to forgive. I had always heard that forgiveness is for you not the person you forgive. I didn't quite get it until recently.

But seeing all the anger, hurt, and misery Cricket carries within herself because she refuses to forgive, has shown me exactly how destructive it can be. I refuse to let that be my life. To let all the pain and negativity of past hurts rip me apart. Seeing how she wants forgiveness for her actions, yet holds grudges for years and how that negative energy is eating at her, has taught me a lot about forgiveness, what it means, and why it is a such an important part of a calm and peaceful soul.

So even now, that their path is no longer running side by side, that she is no longer in my life, that this year is almost over...I'm still learning.

Constant change, constant growth, constant transformation
 
Well wasn't that just rude and misguided. I've sent you a private response. Please keep your negative thoughts out of my blog.


Why is it people have the need to take something that is spiritual and powerful to someone and knock it down into their own scewed view of it.
 
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It wasn't me this time! :D I'm known for that kind of crap. Anyway, I hope things are looking better today guys. Remember, I'm here to listen and help via PM if necissary. ;) Hugs to both of you.
 
The 'moving on' thing continues. I'm doing better than I thought I would be at this point, actually. I still have my moments, but I'll be OK.

In other news, April 20th I will be taking part in Walk A Mile In Her Shoes, an event that supports victims of rape and sexual assault. It takes place in Towson, MD and involves me and the other participants (mostly men) walking a mile through the city - in heels :)

My biggest issue thus far is trying to figure out where I can find a cheap pair of heels that will fit and won't kill me. Wish me luck! :)
 
Karma said:
My biggest issue thus far is trying to figure out where I can find a cheap pair of heels that will fit and won't kill me. Wish me luck! :)
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When you figure that one out let us all know! Heels=/=comfortable!
 
Great news Karma! Today, things are looking up for both of us! My supervisor (who is maried to my and my wife's ex) got fired today. This will allow ME to heal and move on. :D Yay! We can do it Karma...It's not going to be the end of the world...I promise! (That's next year! ;) LOL)
 
A mile in heels:eek:, ARE YOU CRAZY?

Check out Ross, TJ Max or Marshalls, if they have those stores out there.
 
I'm thinking thrift stores and lots of moleskin. He has lots of calluses from martial arts, and learned to walk on the balls of his feet, so I think he'll do okay. Probably better than most of the men. The fun part will be seeing him keep his balance.
 
Am I crazy.... that's a silly question :)

Derby, I'm not so worried about the uncomfortable, as much as the ankle rolling or falling over and breaking something important. But, this is a cause that's really important to me - I've known far too many victims in my life.

TL, that makes me smile :) I can definitely appreciate where you're coming from there.

So, ladies.... I wear a 10 1/2 to an 11 in mens. What does that translate to in womens sizes for heels?
 
12 1/2 to a 13. Plus you have wide feet. If we had more notice we could have ordered shoes specialy made for the event, off the website. But they make each one to order, so not enough time. Remember the drag show we went to in Baltimore? We should call that bar and see if they have ideas where we could look.
 
Just spent almost 10 hrs doing homework and I'm only half way done. I had to research 18 wines, make a chart showing where they are from, how much they cost per bottle and per case, then write up a report on their descriptions and what to pair them with. I don't like wine. So I'm hoping the wineries websites knew what they were talking about. Cuz that's where I got my info.

Tonight I need to do the other half, which is doing the same thing for beers, liquors and dessert wines. Uhhhh! I like the class, and for my personal knowledge this is great...but I'm not gonna be serving ANY of this at a bakery. So I'm not seeing how it's helping me.

So now I'm high on pain pills and while my body is tired, my mind is still racing. I could stay up and run all the errands I need to run, but I don't think it's really safe for me to be behind the wheel.

OKC just keeps annoying me. Great conversations until we get to the condom and STD talk. Why is it so difficult for people to grasp personal safety when it comes to sex? I just don't get it. With everything that is floating around out there, why is it so easy for people to ignore it? Irritating. I'm considering adding "Must agree to where condoms" to my profile just to weed some of the losers out.

Although the women I am talking to seem to have much more going for them. There is one I'd really like to meet. Wondering if she'd want to go grab dinner one night.

Karma is still processing things. I feel for him, I really do. But I find myself getting frustrated and short with him. I have forgiven and moved on. I get that it is harder to do when you are the one healing the wounds and trying to move on. I'm hitting a wall when it comes to being compassiontate. That just makes me feel bad, which doesn't do him any good and we end up right back where we started.

I haven't gone through a breakup in 9 years. And even then I can't compare healing strategies because things were mutual. Karma and I operate completely differently when it comes to things like this as it is, so any advice I do offer gets met with anger and irritation.

I wanna be helpful, I really do...but I need a freaking vacation!

Though tonight did bring up and intersting circle of thoughts. I was thinking of the discussion going on about veto's and it got me wondering. What would have happened had I vetoed this the first time I thought she was bad news? Could I have saved him all of this? Possibly, but like he said there is no way of knowing how he would have reacted at the time. He and I have made great progress, and they already had almost a year together when I started to feel she would bring problems. So it could have possibly made things between he and I even worse. Caused him to continue lying and cheating. So maybe I could have saved him some pain, but I may have caused us bigger issues and taken the lessons learned away from us in the process.

Interesting.
 
Mohegan said:
What would have happened had I vetoed this the first time I thought she was bad news? Could I have saved him all of this? Possibly, but like he said there is no way of knowing how he would have reacted at the time.
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It would not have been pretty. A good guess would be that he would not have believed or accepted that she was not as good for him as he immagined. It would have been taken as you being petty and jealous, nothing more.

He and I have made great progress, and they already had almost a year together when I started to feel she would bring problems. So it could have possibly made things between he and I even worse. Caused him to continue lying and cheating. So maybe I could have saved him some pain, but I may have caused us bigger issues and taken the lessons learned away from us in the process.
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Very likely this.

Likely you both will have a lot more respect for your instincts in the future. Just remember to take his advice and warnings when you find the situation reversed.:D
 
As blind as I've been to her this whle time, you're right. It's taken me this long to see her for who she really is - it never would have happened earlier.

That makes me both stubborn AND stupid! :)
 
Karma said:
That makes me both stubborn AND stupid! :)
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NOPE! Well not even going to touch the stubborn comment :p, but not stupid, it makes you human and capable of loving others inspite of their shortcommings. That is a gift to hang onto. Being able to determine if you can live with those shortcommings and how they will impact your life takes time and no one can make that decission for you. All Mo can do is point out her observations so you can be more aware of things to watch for.
 
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