Why and how did you get into poly?

What type of poly origin did you have?

  • I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy

    Votes: 35 12.2%
  • I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before

    Votes: 108 37.8%
  • I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle

    Votes: 42 14.7%
  • I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me

    Votes: 35 12.2%
  • Other

    Votes: 66 23.1%

  • Total voters
When did you know you were Poly?

I am curious to know when people realized they were poly?

I guess I am still figuring out where I fall into this spectrum.


Official Greeter
Staff member
I wouldn't say I realized I "was" poly, just that I decided poly was something I wanted to incorporate into my life.


New member
For me I've been open to the idea since finding out about polyamory 4 years ago, then 3 years ago the girl I was dating at the time fell in love with another woman.

She broke down in tears and I told her it was ok. We tried it, it worked.

I did lots of self reflection and began to realise I'd always viewed things from a poly mindset - just without knowing poly was a thing. Polyamory just fitted.

I'm not into other forms of non monogamy - I find swinging seems to me to be quite transactional and I get bored of casual sex generally. But the notion that love can be limitless and found in many places and many different forms is one that makes a lot of sense to me.


I was 16. Met a young 20's couple in Northern CA. We were friends for awhile then it happened spontaneously that we all found ourselves desiring to share her (both males heteros)/her wanting us both together... Oh, I'd read Heinlein's SIASL... but I wasn't thinking in the abstract terms about his models. We traveled for a few years together, so long ago... Since then shared another girlfriend when on camping trip with a friend of ours, and she had been the one instigating that and continued on and off. Later, all my female companions have showed interest and experienced. Once ran across a Poly Picnic in park while out with long-term partner... We'd already shared such multipartner encounters in short and longer relations, but began to form ideas along a Poly line... and became part of community. Next partner and I married (current) and have travelled country with many opportunities, but nothing sticking long-term. Things slowed while our two children were being raised. Living now in California Central Coast area (Paso Robles) and very sparse pickings for potential partners. We picture (without necessarily pushing one thing or another) meeting, perhaps some core friends/partner(s) male and female to have shared adventures with, and perhaps at some point, consider someone to maybe move in... We aren't footloose now to pack up ourselves. But all depends on character on many levels, not just romantic... Issues of Long Distance Relationships with others has been problematic... that's abother thread for another day.
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Active member

Well... Age 14-18 I was a sexually aggressive free agent who refused to belong to anyone for the most part. I didn't want to get married or have kids. I was either casual with more than one, or I was doing serial mono but with no plans for permanence. That whole "you and me versus the world until death do us part" terrified and horrified me. It feels intrusive and stifling. I don't want anyone to ask me to promise them "forever." (True then and now.)

So I don't know what I'd call that. But I had heard of polyamory when I was a young adult, I thought "hey, that's cool." But some of the people I knew who were doing that, were super mega drama mamas and there seemed to be a lot that could go wrong.

Then I did in fact get pinned into a serious mono LTR and I did the best I could with that, was faithful to him for 18 years because we had kids and it seemed like the right thing to do. I wasn't generally miserable. Then he lost his mind. And then I WAS miserable. I got free more or less last spring, though I've continued to live there as a roommate to try and help him, but I'm moving in a couple of weeks.

This has nothing to do with me being poly by nature, I don't think. He started treating me very badly. I couldn't deal with it. That's all. I didn't find it particularly difficult to be faithful to him during our marriage...but when it was over, it was OVER. My heart abruptly started reaching out in all directions like a drowning swimmer looking for a life preserver.

So when a confluence of factors allowed me to get a relationship configuration that feels an awful lot like a loving support network, I went with it. I've been having a go at ethical, informed polyamory, since about August of last year. Seems to be working very nicely. We have love, but we have our space, it's the perfect balance of commitment and voluntary/casual intimacy for me. We are very romantic, loving, and affectionate...but no one is trying to demand "forever" and there is no drama with that group (except them listening to my woes sometimes, bless them for it, I do try not to go on...) My quad came together when a boyfriend (Analyst) courted in a married couple (Fire and Hefe) and then a few months later I added Zen. They are doing a very good job of healing my hurts.

I think that covers it. How, when, and why, etc.


New member
Polyamory as a fuck-you to compulsory monogamy

I decided to be polyamorous before the word was invented. As a young woman, I read an essay by Adrienne Rich called "Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence". It spoke to me, as someone struggling with her sexual orientation, and with reconciling a feminism that thought men were like bicycles for fish. No matter how much I "decided" I was a lesbian, I still wound up being attracted to men as well. Unwilling to give up the potential for partnering with a woman, I told my future husband, "sure I'll marry you, but I'm not going to stop dating". He was okay with that, and here we are.

I became polyamorous for political reasons.


New member
I wouldn't say I realized I "was" poly, just that I decided poly was something I wanted to incorporate into my life.

... when my husband admitted he had feelings for a woman he worked with and I thought "we can make this work."
I never answered this poll before so I will now. It's a little more exact to say that a poly person fell in love with me, then suggested to my wife and I that we enter a triad. Which, in retrospect, was a bit more like a V with me as the hinge. After that relationship not surprisingly crashed and burned it took me five years to feel comfortable admitting that I identified as polyamorous. I have been open to my wife, this forum, and the local poly community for five weeks now.


New member
My Mother raised me as a single parent and always taught me to have an open mind about everything and to not judge people upon the color of their skin, where they came from or what they look like and to always respect others' lifestyle as long as it isn't hurting anyone....

That was the beginning....

When I was 14 I came out as bisexual which began my open mind and acceptance within the LGBT community, it was a very confusing time but I would not have been able to get through it without my Mom.

When I moved to California I became friends with a girl (who I am no longer friends with), we were best friends until about a few years ago, well her Mother was Poly as well as Bisexual. She was legally married to a man, while at the same time living with him and her male lover (she referred to him as her husband even though they were not legally married but were together for years and had 2 children together), shortly after I met them, I would say about a year, maybe 2, her Mother starts dating a woman who was half her age, this person moved in and they eventually had a wedding ceremony (which I was the photographer for), and despite all of this I never thought it was abnormal or awkward like most people might and I never doubted any of their love for each other, strangely, probably due to my open mind I was conditioned for my whole life, who knows!

I was very close with this family and thought of them as a second family, in fact I still know this woman to this day and visit her occasionally, she is no longer married to any of the lovers I mentioned and lives alone with her 16 year old son so I go over there to keep her company a couple times a month.

I think this is what stemmed my polyamorous interest, or at least played a huge role.

When I was 20 I was in a serious relationship with this guy who wanted to be a swinger. Naturally I was open to it and tried the swinger lifestyle for a couple years but ultimately it didn't satisfy me, it just made me feel dirty so I stopped.

Shortly after that incident I met my now Husband who, when we met, agreed to be in an open relationship....

Long story short, I accidentally found out that I was capable of loving another while still loving my current husband and knowing I wanted to spend my life with him. He is not Poly but is very understanding since I identified as poly before we got married. I feel so lucky and blessed to have such an understanding and patient husband who truly does love me unconditionally.


New member
My exposure from poly stemmed from my ex. He told me on our first date that he was poly. I had heard of it before, and was okay with it. After a few months of dating, I decided to be open to it myself and keep the option open of having other partners for myself. My ex broke up with me after a month of excuses of not seeing me and ghosting me constantly, 'freeing' me so to speak since there was a BDSM thing going on there with me having to text 'Master' twice a day; Which I'm guessing was causing issues with his new girl who had no idea what he had been doing (I found out a few weeks after the fact that he had been in a mono relationship as of a few days after starting to ignore me...I feel bad for her, I hope he treats her better than he treated me). I was still interested, even after having my heart torn out and stepped on with cleats. If I can love multiple people and be loved by others in return, what's the harm as long as it's all communicative and done responsibly with everybody's knowledge? I met my current partner a few days after my ex called it quits.

I came out to my step brother, who funny enough, was poly himself, as well as his wife. So that was further encouragement since he's a great resource for advice. He took me to a poly mixer in Portland once a couple of years ago, and the community in general seemed very awesome and friendly, nothing like my experience with my ex who was pretty secretive and uncommunicative.

So I had a bit of an interesting origin with poly I suppose.


New member
I am curious to know when people realized they were poly?

I had to come to terms with being poly after I fell in love with my best friend in addition to loving my husband/partner. That was scary. I felt like I was cheating or betraying my husband when in reality, he was okay with what happened. He even encouraged it. We were best friends. I loved them both. It ended almost 2 years ago.

Since then, its been my husband and I coming to terms with the ending and how he and I are now a poly potential pair. Not looking but getting involved with our local community.

I used to wonder if I was non-monogamous early on in my relationship with my husband. I wanted to be part of a triad but at that time I didn't know what that meant or if it existed. I was monogamous but I wanted a MFM. I still do.

I think its something that is just a part of your personality or make up. I know its mine. I want connection and love. I now know I am able to love more than one person. I know that I love deeply and completely and that I want commitment, trust and deep emotional connection. I also want sexual love with men who I am friends with and that I find attractive but not in a casual way or in any sense of the word. I am not a casual person.

These past two years has been an journey for my husband and I. We've learned a lot about ourselves and each other. I am glad to know who and what I am. The road was painful but I don't regret it. In fact, I am thankful to have experienced the love and the loss to know where I am in regards to relationships.


I have no idea what I am or what my threshold is frankly ... new to it irl. However, I was in the global studies program early in college which is where I first learned of it. I have had several friends (including myself) that have had no problems with Open relationships. Which equates to a primary and fuck buddies for one or both partners. I've one friend who pretty much does the Big Love thing. I have read about it before but it never really made much sense since I've never experienced romance with multiple people before and when in a romantic situation, I'm satisfied with that input. But I guess what I'm sharing here is that I was well aware of poly and I'm trying it out due to being involved with someone who is. I've yet to decide to just go with it and date others or not. Not that I couldn't. Just that where does everyone have all this time !!! ??? hahahaha! seriously! :p


Active member
I have no idea what I am or what my threshold is frankly ... new to it irl. However, I was in the global studies program early in college which is where I first learned of it. I have had several friends (including myself) that have had no problems with Open relationships. Which equates to a primary and fuck buddies for one or both partners. I've one friend who pretty much does the Big Love thing. I have read about it before but it never really made much sense since I've never experienced romance with multiple people before and when in a romantic situation, I'm satisfied with that input. But I guess what I'm sharing here is that I was well aware of poly and I'm trying it out due to being involved with someone who is. I've yet to decide to just go with it and date others or not. Not that I couldn't. Just that where does everyone have all this time !!! ??? hahahaha! seriously! :p

Time is a HUGE challenge. Possibly the biggest one, in my opinion. Because even if you make everything else work well, everyone's expectations and styles and values and needs are aligned great...you still have to manage time. And I can go on and on about the questions, disturbances, and issues I have experienced in my year long foray into the realm of poly thus far...but I think ultimately what might be the root of most of the problems is just that: time.


New member
I think like many I had the emotional characteristic long before I realized I was poly. I couldn't understand why I could not have clean clear emotional break in failed relationships in my teen years or early adulthood, and like many I was raised with traditional behavioral norms.

It wasn't until I read my deceased mother journals (bequeathed to me) that I really understood much about it. She had the clarity of thought to see my nature as it was apparently her own as well.

Her journals from age 12 on were a sad and somewhat lonely tale of having feelings, but being to frighten and scared to act on them. She went from one mono relationship to another, always convincing herself that this time she come get all the love and intimacy she wanted from one person. Only to be left wanting more and disappointed.

She commented several times in the writing that she hated to see me go through the same exact problems, but could share verbally her own trials, She was trapped by the social and religious norms of her time.

After reading and reflecting on how mom died, I vowed that I would not go through the same thing. I had a long discussion with my wife and tried my best to explain things. It's been a difficult journey and in certain ways remains so.

Its been fours years since opening up to the possibilities, I wish I could say my wife is completely supportive. I offered her the divorce option, But she loves me, and or loves the freedom of the limiting relationship, and accepts than I'll need more than she is willing to offer.

My external relationships have been more social intimacy than physical too this point. Those which were physical were short lived and a bit disappointing to that end. I seem to attract the those which want immediate physical action, rather that building an emotional trust. I guess its a work in progress.


Official Greeter
Staff member
The best of luck to you in your current situation.
Kevin T.


New member
Looked easy at first, but after some thinking I decided I should choose "Other", since all of the options are somehow true for me... if it's even possible :confused:

As I mentioned in my introduction just a day ago, I've identified as polyamorous for a few years now, and I really do not remember the exact moment when it started. It happened gradually.
I must have always had poly tendencies. There was this first romantic relationship, and at the same time I was starting a relationship with another guy. However, at the time I thought that was only my friend, but I sort of "kept him in reserve" in case that other person leaves me. And so it happened... that was a bad idea. I'll probably tell more about it in another thread.
That second person tried to make me jealous several times, but it didn't really work with me. I only thought: "it's ok as long as he likes me". But also I thought: "if I have a chance to start a new romantic relationship, but won't because I am in one already, what if I'm missing out on something great?" It might seem like I didn't love that person. In fact, I didn't, but at the time I honestly thought I did.

When that burdening relationship finally ended, I still hadn't recovered from it when I decided to find comfort in looking for new friends and love interests on OKC. At first I was eager to find the latter, then I realised I was already happy and stopped caring about whether I'm single or not.
After a while I met someone whom I now call my soulmate (although I haven't heard from him for a while and that's upsetting :(). I had probably heard that relationships can be non-monogamous before and I might have ended up poly eventually anyway, but thanks to him it happened sooner. I easily adopted the lifestyle.

What I like about polyamory is that it can reduce the number of broken hearts. I mean, another person would not leave you just because they found someone they think is better, just like you wouldn't, provided there is still mutual interest. And if you fall in love with someone who has a partner already, you still have a chance to be with them.
Such a lifestyle wouldn't save me from what I fear - that the other person might stop loving me. But, after all, why would someone suddenly stop loving a person they've known for years? Well, unless they do something really awful...
One more reason is that I'm bisexual (or at least bi-curious) and I'd like to have a relationship with a girl, too, without having to end the previous one(s).
It's not really easy for me to find a partner who would accept my terms as most people are still monogamous, but I can't imagine my life otherwise.


Official Greeter
Staff member
Hey Eliza16; thanks for sharing a little more of your story. It sounds like poly has been a growing thing for you.


New member
From the Tri State area with love

My wife once shared with me that she's attracted to women and feels at peace in the company of other women. So I shared with her that I would be open to her having a gf on the side. She liked the idea and wondered what would be wrong about having a family of 2 or more women with one man?

She loves the idea and I've always wanted a big family


New member
I was friends with a couple and found out they were polyamorous and looking for a third. I was attracted to them and intrigued by the concept, so I did a shit-ton of research because that's what I do when something catches my interest. LOL After reading a lot about it, I felt like it was something that could work for me, so I talked to my husband about it and he was fine with it, so I asked them out. All those relationships have ended now, including my marriage, and I haven't had any other relationships since, so I haven't had much of a chance to grow into my poly identity yet. But I'm looking forward to seeing where it takes me next.


New member
I realized I was poly after marrying my wife. One night we were just talking and I brought up the topic for no good reason. It just popped into my head and the thought of loving (more in the a romantic sense than the erotic) two people was very appealing. I've always been a loving person and only want to give.
Love triangles in media always get "resolved" and leave one person out. They are left hanging with no one or they settle for someone "lesser" (ie not the main character). Why cant they all love each other.
In a lot of Anime the love triangles will get resolved with the "Harem ending" (not good phrasing but its the common term). My wife and I both like the sentiment of those endings where everyone is happy together. This has been the biggest contribution to my view points.
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