Why and how did you get into poly?

What type of poly origin did you have?

  • I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy

    Votes: 43 12.6%
  • I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before

    Votes: 123 36.1%
  • I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle

    Votes: 51 15.0%
  • I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me

    Votes: 42 12.3%
  • Other

    Votes: 82 24.0%

  • Total voters
Why am I here?

I am here because of so many reasons:
  • I am a 49 year old gentleman.
  • I am the shy quiet type.
  • I do not have much luck when it comes to meeting women.
  • I have never been in a LTR. Just a few short relationships.
  • I was a workaholic in my younger years. Until the day I retired for health reasons.
  • I find myself craving affection, (not to be confused with sex).
  • OK, I am human - I have sexual needs and wants just like everyone else.
  • I have some religious upbringing - the bible has some positive stories of multi-partner relationships - but the practice is frowned upon today. :confused:
  • I believe that multi-partner relationships can be safe and secure -- If everyone is respectful of boundaries, committed and honest with one another.
  • I have a huge heart just aching to be let out for some fresh air. ;)
  • I believe that no one should have to grow old alone.
  • The poly (poly-faithful) life may be just for me.

I could probably list a few more, but I will stop here.

I am new here. Exploring one could say. I found out that people really live this lifestyle *and this may make you laugh:D* when I binge watched Big Love the HBO show while I worked about 7 years ago *I work from home* I was intrigued. I've done tons of research on it however, my husband is not open to polygamy. I have also been fascinated with polyandry which I discovered researching polygamy and plan to discuss it with him. We are married and both are straight and monogamous in our marriage. Currently I joke with him about it and he even had a dream that there was another husband. It makes so much sense to me. It makes so much sense to me when I think about the dynamics when I researched the history of it and the benefits. Of course, I know ALL relationships are work and have their share of challenges. My husband fully and admittingly is emotionally disconnected from all emotions. By that I mean he loves me he states it and in his mind that love is strong but he does not express his emotions. He does say the words but no expression not even in intimacy which he considers just a physical act. He doesn't show any emotion ever. I have to ask him what he is feeling to know for sure. I have to encourage him to hug our kids and tell them in words so that they know how he feels. We have worked through this but he knows for me it's been a missing component in our relationship all the way around for the past 17 years. Not that this is the biggest component of my intense drawing to polyandry but it's a part of it. Do I have concerns... yes, do I have doubts...yes, do I think it could work ... YES and I desire for it to work. My friends call me the Queen of Love because my whole life has been based around loving people and teaching others how to love people unconditionally. So I am drawn to sharing this love but I also know my husband is jealous which is one of the biggest problems I've read about in these relationships. I don't even know if it will ever happen but I would love for it too. I'm 47 and feel like my life is just starting ... which also seems odd to me but I do know as we grow older we really start owning who we are my husband is 12 years younger than I am but very set in his ways almost like an old soul people often think he is older than I. Looking forward to learning more while here. So that's my reasons. :p
On a number of occasions throughout my life I have found myself wanting to connect more with other people, like the start of a relationship but I was already in a relationship. This usually led me to breaking up with the original partner and starting anew. I have been married to my husband for 20 years and been involved with my boyfriend for 18 months. My husband, throughout our marriage, has wanted me to experiment with people sexually which I have done on occasion. I met my boyfriend this way and have been exclusive since then. There are tensions with regards to how much I share with my husband about the intimacy I experience with my boyfriend and would really like some help. Could you someone please point me in the direction of a more appropriate thread for this?

Thank you :) xx
My husband and I became poly after about a year of marriage. We came to the decision after discovering the concept and doing a lot of research, only to discover that's always how my heart has kind of worked.

Once discovering the concept, we spoke to some friends of ours who have been functionally poly for several years and eventually fell for them cause we're saps like that and they were exactly what we needed. :p

Now we can't really imagine our lives any other way.
It's a long story. Don't feel much like getting too depth into it right now.

Suffice to say people made it a choice in the past and everyone got hurt with some dying and in my case losing my marbles. Learned a lot from it though. More then just poly things. Seems to have made me a good peoples person. Relating to suffering can do that. Yet I'm an uncaring bastard if I don't give a damn about you. Loyalty over empathy.

Strangely enough that's why I'm now into fearplay and am a mental masochist. Accepting the worst in others and having them accept it from me. Add shitloud of caring for flavor.

Funny how things work out.
Last edited:
Also to answer the question... Those poll answers are loaded dice btw. It doesn't account for "I BECAME poly down the line" and specifically only caters to "You're always that way". I don't believe it's something we're "always are". People can and will change. Sometimes not even of their own free will due to being presented with new information. Did I "become poly" or "find it out" when such information was obtained? Doesn't matter. Result is the same.

Wherever I was always poly or not is moot. I was with someone, someone else was sent my way. By another someone. None of them "poly". Yet through all the things that happened here I am now. I was presented with the information of "making it a choice hurts others". I've also stopped caring about others (everyone actually) and became an emotionless robot. Don't think something like that will happen but there you go. I also changed back despite thinking "I'll always be this way".
Why: I was married to Bloom for nearly a decade without knowing she wanted to try BDSM. We opened up the marriage so she could find a dedicated dom instead of pressuring me to do stuff I wasn't into, and so that I could maybe finally come out of the closet in a few areas.

How: We started attending local kink events, found the local poly group (mostly overlapping with the kink community), and started meeting people.

Currently, neither of us are seeing anyone else, mostly due to searching for a specific "type," and the potential dating pool being TINY because Bible Belt.
I learned about polyamory from online forum. As soon as I read about it, I remembered very nearly kissing a friend of my sister's two years after I married my then husband. Then I remembered the kinds of fantasies I had as a teenager, and how often they drifted into mult-partner territory. Then I remembered how easily I got crushes even when I was in a relationship. I figured I was just kind of naturally poly.

My opportunity to find out came when my then husband admitted to me that he is bisexual. Far from being horrified, I was kind of happy to have the chance to bring up the possibility of opening our marriage. He was surprised, but after we talked he agreed.

I am much more shy and private than he is, so it took me much longer to date than it did him. In fact, he found the man who would join in a triad with us. I can't tell you how much I loved being in a triad. I kind of tried to have other relationships, but they never worked, but honestly it was ok. My ex had both boyfriends and girlfriends, and he had the time of his life. Our boyfriend mostly stuck with us, too. It went on for years before my ex got the one person he was dating at the time pregnant. You can imagine, I bet, how that eventually ended our triad.
I think I've known I was poly for most of my life but it was only recently that I realized it for sure. I've always struggled to commit to any kind of monogamous relationship and, after reading some articles about it, I realized how accurately it described my situation.
How I realized Polyamory/ Non-monogamy was for me

It's kinda hard to explain. Out of the 5 LT relationships I have had, 4 have been mono that turned poly that ended it.
After re-reading this from a thread I started back in 2016. I lied I these were not poly situations. I cheated on them, plain and simple. I wanted to make myself look better.
#1- My first bf & relationship, ended after I got "too frisky" (kissing while tipsy) other male friend at party.
#2 - Male from party & I date. His former GF, another girl friend & I play kissing games regularly with him. He is HEAVY into BDSM, leads to abuse.
He also accused me of being disinterested in him, only after he asked me to fantasize about a friend whom just happened to be...
#3- Medievalist friend & I. Dated 4 months, got pregnant, married. While marriage is failing (Husband undiagnosed bipolar, emotional & mental abuse) we got close to another male medievalist. I fall for M2. M1 is jealous, accuses me of cheating. Divorced after 8yrs of marriage.
I admit I cheated, I slept with M2 behind M1's back.

3 years later....
#4- Male met on dating site. Said he was agoraphobic, would only see me late in the evening (2am & later), mainly to go to a hotel and fuck. While satisfying in the short run, quickly got boring for me. He suggested swinging where he would be the primary to find & set up the parties. He got me my first bi experience. Her & I got too close. And he began to become SUPER jealous. He broke up with me after I didn't call or text him after I had returned from a gaming convention I worked at. Same weekend I found some pictures of him with another woman on a SD card he had given me. Good riddance.
I got a taste of my own medicine and was cheated on.

At this time I began to play around with Sir, a married medievalist friend. We have a soft D/s relationship.

My last relationship was what I called "an amorphous configuration of friendship". I had a crush on my friend W (bi male, says he's poly). Our other friend & W's housemate B (straight male) had a crush on me. I entered this arrangement knowing that I was having sex with both W & B. That wasn't the problem. W didn't want labels. And cause he was so afraid of attachments he wanted all of us "to be free to come and go as we wanted." We had no official boundaries or rules.

This was the only poly relationship I had. What I thought was a triad with a poly person W. B said he was poly but he was really mono and just wanted to fuck. So it was a V with me as the hinge. I also realize now that W is a relationship anarchist.

Now I am hoping to start a non-monogamous relationship with Greg while seeing/playing with Sir in a V. Greg & I had only one date, but have had many phone conversations over the holidays. New year, new relationship!
Last edited:
The beginning

Here is started when I found out my partner was talking to women online in a more-than-friendly way. We'd been together 4 years and had 2 kids at the time, we broke up for a short while cause I couldn't handle it and very much considered it cheating. After a little bit, I decided to stick to my commitment to him and our kids and I've been trying to deal with it ever since. There are good and bad moments, more often bad lately, so I'm here trying to figure everything out.
My Poly relationship just kinda happened. I knew next to nothing about being in a Poly relationship before this. The three of us have been friends for four years going on five years. It's amazing how much we have in common. As a result of this, I have done a lot of research as well as joining this forum to learn all I can. I made a commitment to my partners and will do everything I can to make this work.
Other is what I selected. Two things happened to me that let me down this path.

From the negative perspective, how I dealt with an affair in my marriage, acceptance, opening things up sexually, led me to not being threatened or jealous if this were to happen. I literally surrendered to the fact that monogamy is not a workable scenario.

From the positive side. Through surrendering all negativity around this affair and any judgement of my spouse or myself, lots of love flowed into my live. One of these loves, while not sexual, made me realize that it was very easy to love more than just my spouse and not have it diminish any of my love for my wife.

At this point, I feel 100% poly, emotionally and philosophically. Yet, I am just starting to implement the principles. Fortunately, my wife is along for the ride, and is accepting of me and sees value in the principles.
I was never good at monogamy. I never cheated, but I wasn't happy. I constantly felt guilty for being attracted to people outside of my relationship and it was crappy. I hate the idea of having to 'choose' because if multiple things made me happy why is that a bad thing?

And then after I broke up with my last mono-partner, I took up yoga because he became irate and it was stressing me out. During my meditation I realized that I didn't want to treat anyone like an object to own or to possess. Love is a gift, a gift to give and a gift to receive. And the second you start putting requirements and limitations on it, then its no longer a gift. And I dont want to be the imprisonment for someones love, whether that love last a lifetime or an hour.

I thought about his a whole lot, and I put myself in a bunch of hypothetical scenarios and I came the conclusion that I couldn't go back to monogamy. I talked to my sister about it because she is also Poly and got her take on it. And I decided that if I met someone that this was going to be something I needed.

Thankfully my next serious partner was someone ive known for a good chunk of my life and we have dated on and off for a while and we was very supportive of my choice, especially given out LDR status, he appreciated that I wasn't expecting celibacy from him. And then when I met Lion, he is friends with my sister, we have similar ideas on what we want from a relationship.

It can be hard, but constant communication and enthusiastic consent are major frameworks of both my relationships, and I couldn't be happier.
When I was in the 3rd grade I had a crush on two boys: T and J. I liked them both equally.

When I was in the 5th grade I had a crush on N first, then C, and C lasted a little longer than N because he was very nice to me, but I couldn't shake the fact that I was a 5th grader and he was a 4th grader, and that I was so much taller/bigger than him at the time.

Later on I'd go into monogamous relationships, but none stuck. I never strayed so to speak, just the relationships were unhealthy to begin with.

Now I'm with L, a wonderful loving man who has poly tendencies himself. He asks the question early on about polyamory, and I'm receptive to it!
My, this is a long thread. Consequently, I'm not sure if anyone drew vindication from the same source, but the first poly celeb I knew about was William Marston Moulton (and by extension, Olive Byrne and Elizabeth Holloway). I was just starting out in the BDSM scene, and when I found out about them it was pretty inspiring in a number of ways.
Born This Way

I was a square peg born in a round hole. I was raised in a conservative home-schooled Christian society, yet I was always more open-minded than my friends and even their parents.

Sometime in my mid-teens I sat on the porch and did a little thought experiment. I had a big crush on two girls simultaneously and pondered the conundrum of what to do if I asked them both out and both said yes. Should I then go on a date or two and then determine which one I'd have to cut loose? What if I was hitting it off really well with each of them? What if *gasp* they knew about each other? I hate the idea of lying and keeping secrets, so I contemplated a scenario where they both knew about the other, but instead of it being a competition where "there can be only one" they were cool with the idea of dating the same person, even hitting it off and becoming friends. The three of us could even hang out together, how sublime!

Now, I don't want to be a hypocrite with double-standards, so I turned the tables on myself and thought, what if... I was one of two guys that a girl was dating? Would I be able to handle the fact that she's getting attention and affection from someone else? Could I stand the idea of the three of us spending quality time together without jealousy festering into rage? The answer was... yes, surprisingly. And what's more I felt a strange sort of happiness when I thought about my partner enjoying the company of another person.

I had conceptualized polyamory and compersion all on my own in an environment that was not at all conductive to such ways of thinking. Of course I immediately told myself that I must be the only person in the world who feels this way and tried to dismiss it all. I learned later that I'm not alone, but it's still been a very rough transition to accept myself as I am. I was surprised to see the poll results showed that most people, like myself, feel that they've always been polyamorous but have attempted monogamy before. I suppose many others have had a similar experience.