Why and how did you get into poly?

[Magdlyn]

Long posts are common here! You're entirely welcome to post as much as you want. You can even start a blog and ramble to your heart's content, if you don't want advice at the moment.

I hear you say, "If only hubs and I had both had relationships starting and progressing at the same rate, things would have been easier." Of course, that's true, but of course, that almost never happens! It's super common for one partner to be doing great with their OSO(s), while the other partner might be suffering frustration or rejection. That's par for the course.

 

[under_moonlight]

Long posts are common here! You're entirely welcome to post as much as you want. You can even start a blog and ramble to your heart's content, if you don't want advice at the moment.

I hear you say, "If only hubs and I had both had relationships starting and progressing at the same rate, things would have been easier." Of course, that's true, but of course, that almost never happens! It's super common for one partner to be doing great with their OSO(s), while the other partner might be suffering frustration or rejection. That's par for the course.

I was looking at some of the blogs, and a few of them have given some insight for sure! For example, I've been feeling a bit sad that I didn't get to connect with my meta before her and my OSO moved, but one blog talked about how sometimes not getting to know your meta just happens which helped put me a little at ease. I think the blogs are a valuable resource to read, but I fear I don't yet have much else to express yet to run one myself.

I have seen that it's pretty standard unfortunately for sometimes one person in a relationship to be lacking an OSO, but it still sucks for sure. It's hard for me to comprehend because I've seen what a wonderful person my husband has grown into, and I just feel like he deserves the world. I keep telling myself he'll meet someone someday and I see him still growing on the regular, so I just hope its soon!

Thanks for the reply,
Moon

 

[couple6458]

Good Evening Everyone,

I was just curious about how you came across the ideas or concepts with in polyamory? And why/how you chose to make those Ideals your own (or why you choose not to)?

I'll start:

My first encounter with the idea that there was other ways a relationship and indeed a family could form would have to be when I read the Novel by Robert Heinlein - Time Enough For Love.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_Enough_for_Love
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_A._Heinlein
Now before you ask yourself..> what is a young man doing reading romance novels..? Its not a romance novel, its a science fiction Novel, and it is the second book by R.Heinlein that I ever read (certainly not the last). I must say, the ideas in this book changed my life forever, I fell in love it, and with the main character, my hero, champion and guide - Lazarus Long.
I continued to read more and more of Heinlein's books, until I came across another book which rocked my world again..> Stranger In a Strange Land.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stranger_in_a_Strange_Land
This book has so much to give, and so many ideas.. im reading it through for the second time now.

So anyway that is where I got my first exposure to some of the ideas and concepts which exist within polyamory.

If you have never heard of Robert Heinlein I urge you to check out the links, and further more>> read some (or many) of his books.
*But on a final note, I never knew these Idea(l)s had a real name, as I said in my post on the introduction board, I first saw the actual word "Polyamory" while I was reading Richard Dawkin's book - The GOD Delusion.

- Thanks for reading -

I am just starting my dip in the lifestyle. 63 and I have been married all my life. Divorced for 10. I met a man 6 months ago and fell in love. He told me he was poly from the start. Of course I thought I would change that. Not happening. After three months he said remember what I told you. You can stay mono and we can be together but I will see others. We can have an open relationship or we we can do this together. I decided none of the above. Then alone I got to thinking about all the things he had shared with me about his life. He said to me once I have we never cheated and you have. He was so right. I cheated for sex and love. I was married 5 years the first time. Cheated twice. Married the second one I cheated with for 33 years. Broke up for 9 months after 10 years. Both saw other people. Did not cheat again but was very unhappy. Finally left. Stayed alone for 10 years and met this man who is my best friend and lover. I learned and did things sexually I have never done before. Loved it all but more than that I met someone that I can finally be myself with. I looked deep in myself and realized I like sex and there is nothing wrong with that. Also did a lot of reading about the poly lifestyle. I had always felt trapped in marriage. Realizing people are not possessions and knowing relationships don't always last I decided to give poly a try. He never wanted me to go. So we have been looking for a partner for 3 months and have found one that she and us think will be a good fit. I am nervous, scared and excited at the same time. He is so supportive and I can ask him anything. I think I will grow and find myself even more at 63. Lol Never too late to try new things.

 

[couple6458]

I don't get polies..we're even!

I just accept that there are different types of people, different wiring, different aproaches to life.

I do get finding common grounds to be together and share however.

Why are you here? Curious?

 

[icesong]

Why are you here? Curious?

You are almost certainly not going to get an answer to that question, given you responded to a post from 2009, from a member who hasn’t been seen here since 2012.

 

[Leander]

The ideas and concepts of polyamory weren’t something I was aware of until I was in my late 20s. I’d been happily non-monogamous since before high school for the most part, two monogamish relationships notwithstanding.

When I came across polyamory and the popular ideas around it online I remember telling everyone about it. “Hey! Turns out I’m polyamorous. Its actually a thing!”

 

[SoftnessButch]

When I started dating as a teen I did serial monogamy where they were always someone in the wings. Then I hit college and just straight out cheated a couple of times. Then my senior year I started dating a man that was poly and found out all about it and the light bulb went off - I was poly! I have never looked back and all of my relationships have been poly since then

 

[Corrik]

Well after doing a bit of readin, I have to remind myself this is a place to socialize and not just soak in information. So stop me if you have heard this one before:

In the early 2000s when "the net" was a new thing for most teens. I met several online girlfriends, and one stuck out longer than the rest. She even flew me cross country to her state as her prom date. Fast forward past graduating and moving cross country to live with her, we quickly got married and lived together for years. Both showing through our roleplaying mutual interest in diverse styles of relationships. Come college time, a friend of ours shows and we both decided oh so wisely to invite her into a three way relationship. We sit down, make out forms of consent and detailing what everyone wishes from the relationship. After several months, she breaks it off, and stops communicating saying she was not as committed to it as we were. Doing some reading and research afterwards, we find that this is apparently the worst thing to do in poly relationships! Whoops...

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Corrik,

If you're going to have an MFF triad, I'd say you did it the best way possible. You can't predict when somebody is going to break it off, that can happen in any poly (or mono) relationship.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Nowhereman]

The first time I heard about polyamory was from my two female friends who had just started being a couple then. They proposed I become their common boyfriend. It felt weird (unusual) - but pleasant at the same time. I had feelings for both. So if they proposed to me instead to choose one of them to date - I would not answer because I couldn't choose.

After that, I started searching and reading about polyamory.

 

[Nowhereman]

The first time I heard about polyamory was from my two female friends who had just started being a couple then. They proposed I become their common boyfriend. It felt weird (unusual) - but pleasant at the same time. I had feelings for both. So if they proposed to me instead to choose one of them to date - I would not answer because I couldn't choose.

After that, I started searching and reading about polyamory.

I forgot to mention: our threesome sex was like a new universe compared to all my previous monogamous sex experiences.

 

[Magdlyn]

The first time I heard about polyamory was from my two female friends who had just started being a couple then. They proposed I become their common boyfriend. It felt weird (unusual) - but pleasant at the same time. I had feelings for both. So if they proposed to me instead to choose one of them to date - I would not answer because I couldn't choose.

After that, I started searching and reading about polyamory.

It's too bad they wanted you to choose one of them, after they started the menage a trois!

 

[Nowhereman]

It's too bad they wanted you to choose one of them, after they started the menage a trois!

No-no, they didn't ask me to choose. I've said, "IF they've asked me to choose - I couldn't." They instead proposed I become their common boyfriend - to be a threesome. It felt unusual and uncommon and a bit weird - but I liked it. So I agreed. And our 20 months of life together showed it was the correct decision!

 

[cuddlecakes]

Ironically, I first encountered the concept as a homeschooled fundamentalist Christian. We read a book on "courtship dating", and it said "It's OK to date more than one person at a time as long as everyone knows about it", and a lightbulb went off in my head. (Of course, their idea of dating was going to the other person's house and playing board games with their family and not being alone until marriage, so it's a little different...)

Over the next few years I transitioned away from religion and probably first encountered the word "polyamory" on goth usenet or something, and it made sense to me on a rational level: "Why search for one perfect person who meets all your needs when you can just date multiple people who each meet some of them?"

I started dating after that, 2001, and mentioned non-monogamy to partners, but they weren't very interested; our relationships were "slightly ajar" at best. Then around 2008 I started looking specifically for poly people to date. (Then around 2017 I stopped dating altogether, and I need to figure myself out and start again.)

two female friends who had just started being a couple then. They proposed I become their common boyfriend.

Congrats on finding something rarer than a unicorn, lol.

 

[thelostchapters]

I found poly when I met my GF. I knew it was a thing before hand, but never really thought about it. I'm glad I did. The more my mind opened to the concept the happier I was. Just makes sense, I guess.

 

[Demi-Goddess]

When I was a little girl, I used to play with my Barbies and set them up in these elaborate telenovela style relationship dramas where they were triads, quads, etc., and always thought that was perfectly acceptable. As I got older, I’d see love triangles in fiction and exclaim “just date them both! It’s so simple!” At 16, I even flirted with the idea of dating both of my male best friends, though I knew they would never go for it without a LOT of persuasion — both came from heavily religious families and we live in a conservative area.

But besides all that, I guess I didn’t actively begin researching polyamory until I was in my early 30s, married (to a man), and realizing I wanted to also date my best (male) friend, preferably as a triad or hinge. Husband was thrown at first but quickly got on board, and Best friend has admitted to having feelings, but is reluctant to date either or both of us (another instance of conservative area plus religious upbringing, tho both Husband and BF have rejected/left the church). So, I am NOT in a poly relationship, per se, but found myself in the midst of the potential for one, which lead me down the path of learning everything I could about polyamory.

With my reading/studying, I’ve since discovered I have probably always been poly, as I foster extremely intimate relationships with my friends, in ways that would otherwise be seen as romantic/sexual if I had an attraction that I acted on (I’m demisexual and don’t typically experience sexual attraction). This has lead to a number of misunderstandings between my friends and me over the years since they often catch feelings and display sexual interest, which I often have not returned.

 

[Deer]

A few weeks ago I liked two women in the class and, they liked me back that opened up my mind to the possibility that I am poly, I didn't get to ask them out though. Now I realized I've had multiple crushes all my life and, I might've been poly and, only now started to realize it. Now it doesn't make sense to me just to date one person I now feel comfortable to date two people at the same time I'd rather also have two people in a relationship now

 

[Cringe the Clown]

I kept getting myself into really unhealthy situations with monogamy because I attract a certain type. That type isn't bad, I'm just the worst for them. About three years ago my partner of eight years confessed her love for another man. At first I was like, "cool, I noticed you've been happy lately, and as long as it's not thrown in my face in some hurtful way, I'm okay with it." For some reason she took that to mean I didn't love her. Her reaction was to cyberbully some girl I was sponsoring for self harm support. That's the short version. The book will be called, "I'll be poly, but not with you".

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I kept getting myself into really unhealthy situations with monogamy because I attract a certain type. That type isn't bad, I'm just the worst for them. About three years ago my partner of eight years confessed her love for another man. At first I was like, "cool, I noticed you've been happy lately, and as long as it's not thrown in my face in some hurtful way, I'm okay with it." For some reason she took that to mean I didn't love her. Her reaction was to cyberbully some girl I was sponsoring for self harm support. That's the short version. The book will be called, "I'll be poly, but not with you".

Right...because if you are a reasonable person that can use logic than clearly you are not "madly" in love - so it is completely understandable to ruin some random vulnerable person's life to prove..."something"?

It is very common around here (and elsewhere) for people to blame and hate on the "other" person - because they "knew" the offender was in a relationship (that they had probably been lied to about). It is easier to blame a unknown stranger than someone you care about. NOT excusing, only interpreting behaviour. Anyone who "punishes" someone because they are angry at someone else, in my world, needs to do some serious self-reflection. Their feelings are valid - that is what they felt, but their actions were chosen - and will be judged...

 

[kdt26417]

In the mononormative doctrine in which most of us have been brainwashed, jealousy is actually a loving feeling that proves how much we love our one-and-only partner.