Why and how did you get into poly?

[Polyglamorous]

I loved two people. Both toxic and unhealthy relationships. Cheating and lies and drugs involved. My solution was poly, and as we all know it isn’t a solution. So now I’m not with either people, but I really like the idea and have read so much and relate to it. I haven’t put it into actual practice though. I hope to someday.

 

[Pubgirl]

Falling

I fell into a relationship (marriage) after working with the couple for a couple of years. It was a very natural fall and it was head over heals for (s) my male partner. Not so for (e) female partner.

Myself and (e) have a very volatile relationship, she blames me now for getting in between the relationship although (e) and (s) had an agreement before I even knew about getting involved.

I spend the majority of time with (s) as he doesn't wish to spend time with (e) I love them both but (e) doesn't love, trust, believe that I am not enforcing this. He loves us both so much and I still want to be friends with (e).

Some days are great, some days are really bad!

 

[Cubby]

I don't have a huge amount of dating experience, as I've spent a lot of my life with bad mental health, substance use issues and with the fact that it took me coming out as transgender and changing my body to feel OK enough with it.It's only been since 2014 that I've been dating and I'm in my mid 30s!

Monogamy has never resonated with me. I dated a bit when I was in my late teens, but always wondered why I wanted to date more than one person consensually. I found the word "polyamoury" when I dated a woman in my early twenties... I didn't date anyone for a few years and ended up in a bad controlling relationship with somebody who said they were polyamorous, but eventually took issues with me even seeing friends.

It took me a fair few years to get over that and I came out as transgender and felt more authentic and monogamy hasn't really crossed my mind still. I know I have work to do, as with anyone but I can't see myself becoming monogamous as I don't feel it suits who I am.

 

[Martinus]

We accidentally fell in to this, I'm bisexual and fell in love with a friend I didn't want to do anything with this feelings.
This friend also bisexual also fell in love with me.
Now my wife is also fell in love with him and we have a poly relationship.

 

[Frankie]

I can remember from a very young age, wondering what was wrong in all the movies about someone stuck between selecting one of the two or more people they liked. Especially if the others got a long. Why couldn't they just all be happy together and share the happiness?

When I was in high school I bounced around between a group of best friends because they all got along so well and I enjoyed all of them. It was just nice to have multiple people to love and be loved and enjoyed by. We never had threesomes or moresomes, but we all hung out together for a long time and I eventually had dated each of them, and we all continued to hang out, it just felt right.

My brother was the one to introduce the poly term and idea to me, it made complete sense. At the time he also lived in a clothing optional commune and while life wasn't perfect, it seemed very free and accepting.

On the nonsexual front, once my parents divorced, they still supported each other. To the point that for most of my teens until just recently they often shared the same house. My dad, step mom, and mom.

So it's just something I've always felt right with, consensual support with multiple people and a variety of types of relationships, it seems like that is natural to me. About 8 years ago I started talking to hubby about my feelings. And a few years ago we opened our marriage up to the idea of poly. We are still working through it, but so far it's been a good adventure.

 

[Stazz]

My wife and I met in high school and got married young (she was 18 but a Senior in HS...) She was bi-curious but didn't have time to explore her sexuality before we got married. With years of supporting her and prodding her, she eventually had her lesbian experiences and loved it. They were all short flings but she remained good friends with most. We were practicing poly-mono without knowing it.

She was about to give up on it altogether last year when I convinced her to give tinder a chance. She met her current girlfriend 7 months ago and hit things off right away. Her gf was not poly and couldn't wrap her mind around separate relationships, so we tried a triad. That was fun at first and omg there was a lot of sex. But nothing romantic arose between her gf and myself so, we are content being good friends and sharing my wife with each other.

My wife has grown to feel that I was being left out and has long thought the idea of me with other women was hot. Having been in a triad, she knew first hand that we could handle it as a married couple. So she helped make me a tinder and okcupid account and we are know officially going poly, though not all family knows (mom's are cool and understanding).

We are dating separately and my wife is only interested in women. She also would love to meet any partners I may have in the future. She likes the idea of us all sitting around the kitchen table for dinner and board games. (and we have mono friends that want to listen to that conversation and live vicariously, lol).

 

[amynicole0207]

confused

My husband of now 8 years has decided to finally come out to me that he felt he was poly, but did not know there was a title to it. I am having a really hard time dealing with seeing my husband happy with another woman.
On the flip side because he is happy our life has become wonderful, our sex life is great, our communication is better than it has been and he openly shows me affection and love. Somtimes I think because his gf is openly ok with all this he is taking it much slower than he would have if he was just having a relationship with her, and he didn't have to think about me.
I daily have break downs and second guess his love and whatever this is. I guess I am just trying to get some feedback from people who have been doing this. We have 4 children and while this is how my husband feels a relationship should be I struggle and do not want our kids to see/deal with these struggles as I muddle my way around in this world. Send help

 

[kdt26417]

Hello amynicole0207,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling confused and upset about your husband's poly relationship with another woman. That sounds hard. It is very generous of you to let him have that relationship, it's not like poly is widely accepted, most people would be very upset to see their spouse with another person, I don't blame you at all for feeling that way. It seems like you are trying to feel okay about this and accept it. I will try to post (below) a few links that may help.

• How to Love a Polyamorist
• Are You in Poly Hell?
• Why Polyamory Is Hard for Me
• The Struggling Mono Thread
• Poly/mono advice wanted: about not feeling "enough"
• The Mono Bill of Rights
• Is Polyamory with a Monogamous Partner Possible?
• As someone who is monogamous, how can I be okay with the fact that my girlfriend is polyamorous, and how can I get over my feelings of inadequacy?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability
• Opening Up
• Poly FAQ

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[byte]

My husband of now 8 years has decided to finally come out to me that he felt he was poly, but did not know there was a title to it. I am having a really hard time dealing with seeing my husband happy with another woman.

I hear you, that is tough. I myself came out to my wife as polyamorous, while she identifies more as mono.
A lot of pain I think comes from misunderstanding the others perspective. The mono perspective is usually the persepective that is more widely understood, since it's our main role model and sorrounds us in our daily culture. Thus it is the norm.
It is hard to think outside this norm.
Your husbands feelings propbably never fit this norm. It probably caused him a lot of pain and confusion in his life. I mean, who is there who understands, if one does not even understand yourself?
Talk to him how he sees the world, how he has seen it in his past, as a child as a teen, in his past relationships in the past of your relationship and so on. Try to listen. You can gain some outside perspective for instance from works of the author Elizabeth Sheff, she has written a concise book that is called "when someone you love is polyamorous" and another that is called the polyamourists next door. The latter is also great because it gives a lot if adive for poly family parents.

But what do I mean by other perspective? E.g. your sentence "my husband happy with another woman. " can be interpreted two ways:
The normative and implied version is the mono one: He has another woman now and she replaces me, he is happy with her.
The poly perspective is: Yes he is happy, he is happy because he can be himself and he can express his love freely. He is happy because he has people in his life he loves, and who love him back. There is no need to use "another".

These are the two perspectives, but of course there is still jealousy!
You can try all the poly resources on jealousy even if you don't consider yourself poly. These books are great for self realization. Working through feelings of jealousy is the fastest way to grow. I know you didn't as for it.
Books with good sections about jealousy are e.g: "Jealousy Workbook" and "More than two".

On the flip side because he is happy our life has become wonderful, our sex life is great, our communication is better than it has been and he openly shows me affection and love.

It really sounds like you love him and he loves you <3

Somtimes I think because his gf is openly ok with all this he is taking it much slower than he would have if he was just having a relationship with her, and he didn't have to think about me.

Well, he probably is. And that is a good sign that he values you and your relationship and family. It is also a good sign, that she is ok with this. This can all work out!

I daily have break downs and second guess his love and whatever this is. I guess I am just trying to get some feedback from people who have been doing this. We have 4 children and while this is how my husband feels a relationship should be I struggle and do not want our kids to see/deal with these struggles as I muddle my way around in this world. Send help

It makes perfect sense to second guess it: We have all learned from day one, that this cannot be. This is not what love looks like.
Maybe it already helps trying to understand his perspective, to understand you don't have to second guess his love.
There is also a lot of social stigma associated with this. Your family is right now moving outside the norm. This causes external, but of course also internal resistance. This is what you experience. It is perfectly normal and ok to feel this way.

Be open with your kids about this. Author Elizabeth Sheff has a lot of insight about poly parenting and how to approprietly tell the kids.

But see it like this:
How would your kids react if neither of their parents them told them?
How would your kids feel, if they found out their parents betrayed them for 18+ years to find out?
What does it make with your kids, if they turn out to be poly as well, but not even their parents want to be their rolemodels? How much pain and confusion would it be for them?
Handle the situation as responsible adults and your family will grow indefinetly.



Maybe a thought experiment for last: How would you react, if your husband told you he was gay or actually felt like a woman? How would you react, if he was these things, but never told you about them?
How would that be for your children, if he was either of these things
How would it be, if he never told them?

 

[AndrewS29]

I kind of realised that one person is not enough for me.

 

[3908]

I've recently talked to my wife about my awareness of interest in polyamory. we are a "non denominational Christian" household.

so my wife went online and found a bunch of anti polyamory stuff to toss at me from Christian websites.
there was a lot of fear on her side, probably still is, she just doesn't want to talk about it right now. that's fine.

I have explained that I'm interested in having a Female friend that I can be affectionate with and have an emotional connection, I'm not really interested in sex with another woman, but my wife says it will turn into that, I say that's not really what i want. she recently found one of her friends has been in poly, but not currently. it doesn't help that her friend says poly is all about sex.
I suppose my interest could turn into a sexual environment eventually, but I said to my wife if it does I would bring that to her to discuss.

my Wife thinks that with my poly thinking, I will cheat on her no mater what, I say NO. that's why I came to her first. that's the ethical thing to do. I have told her that I would only connect with another woman if my wife approves.

My wife has accused me of being selfish, I say that I'm ok with her having a male friend too, the same way I'm interested in, affection, emotional connection, no sex. so that I don't think I'm selfish, but she says she wants nothing to do with another man like I describe.
learning about Compersion, I totally think I could enjoy knowing my wife is being enjoyed by someone else in a safe way, but im not specifically interested in being present for that, and I'm not really interested in hearing a bunch of details of her with another guy, just to say that we can have an agreement (affection ok/emotional connection ok/ no sex or sexual contact) and I would trust her, leave it at that.

so the structure I think I'm interested in is a Primary (Wife) /1 Secondary (Metamour) configuration.
I think it would be more stable to have a married secondary because it seems that if I was with a single woman, as soon as she got a regular boyfriend I would probably get pushed aside where with a already married woman, that might not happen.

I'm a guy in my mid 40s been married for almost 10 years. my first marriage was a disaster, bipolar wife, very angry, controlling and jealous of my guy friends. (yes jealous of guy friends) so in the worst of my first marriage (about 20 years ago) I suggested we could be swingers with my friend and his wife. at the time I didn't know what polyamory was, so I thought being "swingers" was what to call it, but looking back, I was wanting a polyamorous relationship because these were close friends. even today the thought of swinging with random or unknown couples does nothing for me and I really don't want that.

sometime in 2007 I was interested in a then girlfriends best friend who lived in with her, but nothing ever happened, no interest by my then gf.

I'm not sure what my earliest memory of an interest in poly was if it was before my first marriage, but my grandmother raised me for part of my early teen years, she was very open minded and could have talked to me about it. one of my mothers in my teen years was a serial cheater, maybe I thought she should just be open about it, not sure.

 

[YouAreHere]

My wife has accused me of being selfish, I say that I'm ok with her having a male friend too, the same way I'm interested in, affection, emotional connection, no sex. so that I don't think I'm selfish, but she says she wants nothing to do with another man like I describe.
learning about Compersion, I totally think I could enjoy knowing my wife is being enjoyed by someone else in a safe way, but im not specifically interested in being present for that, and I'm not really interested in hearing a bunch of details of her with another guy, just to say that we can have an agreement (affection ok/emotional connection ok/ no sex or sexual contact) and I would trust her, leave it at that.

Hi there,
Just something to watch out for: for someone who's really of a monogamous bent, and having had all the monogamous conditioning all her life, your wife may be feeling demoted with the whole "I'd be happy to see you with someone else" thing.

There's a role in her life that's being fulfilled right now (in this cultural mindset), and that's being someone's one and only. To tell someone that you're happy to see them with someone else can feel like they will no longer have a role in your life and instead be "demoted" to a more casual thing - like why even be married at all. We have this cultural expectation of non-exclusivity being more of a casual dating relationship and that the relationship escalator requires you to settle down with one person. It can feel like your partner doesn't feel like you're special anymore and can be hurtful.

It takes a lot of discussion and a lot of self-introspection to even accept a different mindset - if she even wants to. It is up to her to decide if she wants to consider it.

Apologies if this isn't worded well - I'm in between meetings and trying to get *something* out, so I'm sure someone can come along and poke holes where it needs more clarification. I can try to do the same later.

 

[Dh505]

I guess I always have been a mono poly person possibly swinger but more like I like the thrill of the cheat so that don't really count. All through high school the girls I "loved" were always actually more into women but treated me good and would date other people men or women but I wouldn't. But every once in a while I would end up with two girls that I was "in love with" and didn't want to hurt either one but would always find a way to get caught by one or the other (most likely sub conscious) but would get the biggest thrill out of the cheat. And when I dated a girl that was actually sleeping with other men I didn't want to end it or make her stop but of course BIG MAN in me couldn't say I was into it and wanted to participate i just went on being happy with what we were.

That type of dating continued on all through my single life and even with my wife. She slept with old boy friends and dated me and some other guy pretty seriously for a year or two and I'm sure there were others she didn't tell me about but either way I was and still am good with it. But I found out that most of this falls under the poly umbrella recently.

 

[Tophatcat]

Ive been mono and I've been poly. Either one works for me. Though I haven't been in a mono relationship in a long time.

 

[DarkFay92]

Very clumsy, really. I had had open relationships with loose flings on the side before, but never heard f poly. Until one night, the partner of my best friend was stupendously drunk when he confessed he'd been having feelings for me for years. Those were mutual, but there was no way I would let him ruin his relationship with my best friend for me. A few days later he texted me the title of the book More Than Two, saying I should read it. He'd already talked it through with his partner and she was willing to go for it. A lot of reading and a lot of talking later, we decided to go for it. Both our relationships with him stand stronger now than ever before

 

[MtnPolyLoversX2]

since I’m the new kid in town I might as well share mine. Not so glamorous but I’ve always had a habit of cheating on my partners or attracting women that cheated on their partners . I tried to be monogamous but my eyes would always start to wander at some point until I met a couple, I slept with his wife and assumed it was another issue of a “bored house wife” until he personally invited me to dinner one night with the both of them not knowing he knew of our fling together, I’ve been chatting as friends with her for some time to then . They told me after dinner they were a Poly couple and his wife really enjoyed spending time with me and would like to be more intimate together. I was pretty shocked to say the least but I fell in love with her and the lifestyle soon after

the companionship was amazing , group dates of people looking at us with questioning eyes and not caring , the love making more amazing than when I tried to be monogamous. I knew this was the love life I was missing all along . It’s had its ups and downs but for the most part I’ve never been happier

 

[Ariakas]

Open relationship since the start. Few threesomes and bar hookups early on.

Fell in love with one of the hookups.. heart broken since that's not what she wanted.

I was in a quad-fi for a 8 or 9 years which has recently fallen apart.

As seems to be the case during heart break re-evaluating my poly-ness. Haha

 

[Skadi]

Known I was non-monogamous since teenager, but tried having mono relationships.

Dabbled with one good open relationship which was a good experience and learning curve, where
I was in a threesome with my partners friend and she became a very close friend to me too. Then one really toxic and bad open relationship, which was hell.

Now I met my soulmate and love life, and in a looong transition of trying to get to a point of being his primary.

 

[Carmina]

I'm not entirely sure if I am poly, I think it's likely I have pretty strongish monogamous tendencies, but I know that at least some of that derives from having always been afraid of rejection and loss, so it is possible that if I was more confident in relationships my poly side may also develop. My partner thinks that is the case. My first experience of being in a poly-like relationship was actually in my very first (sexual) relationship. I was a very late bloomer sexually, having been an extremely geeky, shy and anxious adolescent. I didn't have my first sexual relationship until my second year at University and that ended up with us falling in love and living together for several years. I have never been able to separate sex from love and never also had things like one night stands or done things like going to bars to pick up women. I just can't do that. I need to feel some form of attachment to really be able to let go with someone sexually.

Anyway my partner at the time found herself falling in love with my best (female) friend and asked me if I would be open to her exploring a relationship with her. Up until then her sexual experiences had been all heterosexual. At the time we didn't even know the word 'polyamory' but it didn't seem right to me to deny her the opportunity to explore a side of herself that she had not even been aware of so I said 'ok'. I think it helped enormously that this was with my best friend, someone I trusted and also loved (as a friend). That's as far as the polyamory went really, she made it clear that she was open to me also exploring relationships with others but I never felt the inclination to, and she was only interested in my friend (until that is when we broke up after a few years, and then I know she had relationships with several other women and men). Just to be clear this was also strictly a 2 person thing, we didn't have or want to have threesomes or anything like that, although there were times when we shared the same bed (for practical/friendship reasons - we only had a small flat) but just cuddling up (which was lovely actually). I don't think I could have handled the complications of it being a 'menage a trois' anyway, didn't want to ruin a good friendship and a beautiful relationship for my partner, and it would have felt wrong to make their relationship something for my gratification.

That was, until my current relationship, my only experience of what I now know to be polyamory.

 

[under_moonlight]

As someone new, I wanted to post my story, though it's not very interesting at all, and may actually be offensive for some parts. So *trigger warning*, it involves two people who had stupid ideals/desires, but thankfully grew up a bit and thankfully never ended up hurting someone.

My first discussion about anything non-monogomus was with my husband a few years back very early in our relationship. We had been discussing threesomes as something we might both be interested in trying out. This in itself was not necessarily a bad thing, as many people partake in very healthy threesomes, foursomes, orgies, etc. all the time, but I can't say that would have been the case for us. Our mindsets were both very self satisfying with little regard to each other's desires, let alone another person's. Thankfully we were both too awkward to ever act on any of these feelings and probably saved at least one or two people we both fancied from getting a crap end of a stick.

We never really stopped talking about this, but as the years went on it started to involve more than just a sexual encounter, but a was hearing up to sound more like a throuple/triad situation. I was actually very against us going down this path at first since it went against every thing I was ever raised on. Thankfully, again, some poor soul was spared what would have been an awful experience, and our relationship was probably spared as well. I had been cheated on in a past relationship so the jealousy that would have stemmed from that would have been nightmarish.

Things sort of died down about this discussion, we grew as people, and as a couple. We worked on the existing issues in our marriage, and discovered things about ourselves that we were either too scared to previously admit or that we were completely unaware of.

My husband approached me a little after we were married, this time with someone specific he was interested in to pursue sexually on his own. At this point we both were pretty comfortable in our relationship, though I will admit that I still felt a small mix of fear. Still I trusted my gut and gave him the go-ahead. They didn't go far, but they had two sweet moments, and even though nothing more came from it I was floored on how good it felt to see my husband so happy for the good parts, and how easy it was to be there for him during the bad parts.

Polyamory was still not something either of us had ever heard of, but this opened a flood gate of feelings for my husband. He has inattentive ADHD and ASD 1 so he got hyper focused on research on this new thing. It led him to some docuseries on different types of dynamics, and ultimately led to us reading 'Ethical Slut' and doing our own research into people's experiences. I also have ASD 1 so I had my own bout of hyper focused research as he brought me more information.

We opened up towards the end of the summer in 2020 to him dating on his own, and honestly some old jealousy and hard feelings resurfaced. I was not ready at the moment to start exploring myself due to a very busy schedule, but I was at least ready for the feelings this time and worked through them instead of fighting about them. We became great at communicating, and as things started to head towards a positive direction with one of his connections I decided I would try to see if I could make something work for myself.

I ended up meeting someone (my current LDR partner) fairly quick and we hit it off in a heartbeat. Unfortunately my husband's connection did not pan out into a relationship, so he ultimately had some difficult feelings to work through. I think if things had worked out differently, where we both started at the same time and met people at the same time that things may have ended up differently. Thankfully I think his connection primed him for some of the feelings he faced when I met someone and fell in love.

We did have some issues with boundaries at first, where we were setting some up that really were not based in anything but our own insecurities. Thankfully we talked through them, revised a few, and got rid of many.

My other partner moved away (8~10 hr drive/1 1/2~2 hr flight) but we decided to continue in a long distance relationship. We text every day and have a weekly virtual date night. We just had our first successful visit this past weeknd (him staying with us for 3 nights), though I am feeling a bit of a drop since he left - LDRs are hard! This might be why I have been focusing my energy on trying to find a community to talk to the past few days. Just to take my mind off of missing him.

My husband is continuing to look for connections, and I find myself wary of seeking out new ones until I have a better schedule.

Sorry for the long post, but it was definitely an experience!

-Moon

*I have made some spelling edits since the original post