Why and how did you get into poly?

What type of poly origin did you have?

  • I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy

    Votes: 27 13.1%
  • I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before

    Votes: 81 39.3%
  • I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle

    Votes: 28 13.6%
  • I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me

    Votes: 23 11.2%
  • Other

    Votes: 47 22.8%

  • Total voters
    206

Polyglamorous

New member
I loved two people. Both toxic and unhealthy relationships. Cheating and lies and drugs involved. My solution was poly, and as we all know it isn’t a solution. So now I’m not with either people, but I really like the idea and have read so much and relate to it. I haven’t put it into actual practice though. I hope to someday.
 

Pubgirl

New member
Falling

I fell into a relationship (marriage) after working with the couple for a couple of years. It was a very natural fall and it was head over heals for (s) my male partner. Not so for (e) female partner.

Myself and (e) have a very volatile relationship, she blames me now for getting in between the relationship although (e) and (s) had an agreement before I even knew about getting involved.

I spend the majority of time with (s) as he doesn't wish to spend time with (e) I love them both but (e) doesn't love, trust, believe that I am not enforcing this. He loves us both so much and I still want to be friends with (e).

Some days are great, some days are really bad!
 

Cubby

New member
I don't have a huge amount of dating experience, as I've spent a lot of my life with bad mental health, substance use issues and with the fact that it took me coming out as transgender and changing my body to feel OK enough with it.It's only been since 2014 that I've been dating and I'm in my mid 30s!

Monogamy has never resonated with me. I dated a bit when I was in my late teens, but always wondered why I wanted to date more than one person consensually. I found the word "polyamoury" when I dated a woman in my early twenties... I didn't date anyone for a few years and ended up in a bad controlling relationship with somebody who said they were polyamorous, but eventually took issues with me even seeing friends.

It took me a fair few years to get over that and I came out as transgender and felt more authentic and monogamy hasn't really crossed my mind still. I know I have work to do, as with anyone but I can't see myself becoming monogamous as I don't feel it suits who I am.
 

Martinus

New member
We accidentally fell in to this, I'm bisexual and fell in love with a friend I didn't want to do anything with this feelings.
This friend also bisexual also fell in love with me.
Now my wife is also fell in love with him and we have a poly relationship.
 

Thing181

New member
I can remember from a very young age, wondering what was wrong in all the movies about someone stuck between selecting one of the two or more people they liked. Especially if the others got a long. Why couldn't they just all be happy together and share the happiness?

When I was in high school I bounced around between a group of best friends because they all got along so well and I enjoyed all of them. It was just nice to have multiple people to love and be loved and enjoyed by. We never had threesomes or moresomes, but we all hung out together for a long time and I eventually had dated each of them, and we all continued to hang out, it just felt right.

My brother was the one to introduce the poly term and idea to me, it made complete sense. At the time he also lived in a clothing optional commune and while life wasn't perfect, it seemed very free and accepting.

On the nonsexual front, once my parents divorced, they still supported each other. To the point that for most of my teens until just recently they often shared the same house. My dad, step mom, and mom.

So it's just something I've always felt right with, consensual support with multiple people and a variety of types of relationships, it seems like that is natural to me. About 8 years ago I started talking to hubby about my feelings. And a few years ago we opened our marriage up to the idea of poly. We are still working through it, but so far it's been a good adventure.
 

Stazz

New member
My wife and I met in high school and got married young (she was 18 but a Senior in HS...) She was bi-curious but didn't have time to explore her sexuality before we got married. With years of supporting her and prodding her, she eventually had her lesbian experiences and loved it. They were all short flings but she remained good friends with most. We were practicing poly-mono without knowing it.

She was about to give up on it altogether last year when I convinced her to give tinder a chance. She met her current girlfriend 7 months ago and hit things off right away. Her gf was not poly and couldn't wrap her mind around separate relationships, so we tried a triad. That was fun at first and omg there was a lot of sex. But nothing romantic arose between her gf and myself so, we are content being good friends and sharing my wife with each other.

My wife has grown to feel that I was being left out and has long thought the idea of me with other women was hot. Having been in a triad, she knew first hand that we could handle it as a married couple. So she helped make me a tinder and okcupid account and we are know officially going poly, though not all family knows (mom's are cool and understanding).

We are dating separately and my wife is only interested in women. She also would love to meet any partners I may have in the future. She likes the idea of us all sitting around the kitchen table for dinner and board games. (and we have mono friends that want to listen to that conversation and live vicariously, lol).
 

amynicole0207

New member
confused

My husband of now 8 years has decided to finally come out to me that he felt he was poly, but did not know there was a title to it. I am having a really hard time dealing with seeing my husband happy with another woman.
On the flip side because he is happy our life has become wonderful, our sex life is great, our communication is better than it has been and he openly shows me affection and love. Somtimes I think because his gf is openly ok with all this he is taking it much slower than he would have if he was just having a relationship with her, and he didn't have to think about me.
I daily have break downs and second guess his love and whatever this is. I guess I am just trying to get some feedback from people who have been doing this. We have 4 children and while this is how my husband feels a relationship should be I struggle and do not want our kids to see/deal with these struggles as I muddle my way around in this world. Send help
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello amynicole0207,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling confused and upset about your husband's poly relationship with another woman. That sounds hard. It is very generous of you to let him have that relationship, it's not like poly is widely accepted, most people would be very upset to see their spouse with another person, I don't blame you at all for feeling that way. It seems like you are trying to feel okay about this and accept it. I will try to post (below) a few links that may help.

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

byte

New member
My husband of now 8 years has decided to finally come out to me that he felt he was poly, but did not know there was a title to it. I am having a really hard time dealing with seeing my husband happy with another woman.
I hear you, that is tough. I myself came out to my wife as polyamorous, while she identifies more as mono.
A lot of pain I think comes from misunderstanding the others perspective. The mono perspective is usually the persepective that is more widely understood, since it's our main role model and sorrounds us in our daily culture. Thus it is the norm.
It is hard to think outside this norm.
Your husbands feelings propbably never fit this norm. It probably caused him a lot of pain and confusion in his life. I mean, who is there who understands, if one does not even understand yourself?
Talk to him how he sees the world, how he has seen it in his past, as a child as a teen, in his past relationships in the past of your relationship and so on. Try to listen. You can gain some outside perspective for instance from works of the author Elizabeth Sheff, she has written a concise book that is called "when someone you love is polyamorous" and another that is called the polyamourists next door. The latter is also great because it gives a lot if adive for poly family parents.

But what do I mean by other perspective? E.g. your sentence "my husband happy with another woman. " can be interpreted two ways:
The normative and implied version is the mono one: He has another woman now and she replaces me, he is happy with her.
The poly perspective is: Yes he is happy, he is happy because he can be himself and he can express his love freely. He is happy because he has people in his life he loves, and who love him back. There is no need to use "another".

These are the two perspectives, but of course there is still jealousy!
You can try all the poly resources on jealousy even if you don't consider yourself poly. These books are great for self realization. Working through feelings of jealousy is the fastest way to grow. I know you didn't as for it.
Books with good sections about jealousy are e.g: "Jealousy Workbook" and "More than two".

On the flip side because he is happy our life has become wonderful, our sex life is great, our communication is better than it has been and he openly shows me affection and love.
It really sounds like you love him and he loves you <3

Somtimes I think because his gf is openly ok with all this he is taking it much slower than he would have if he was just having a relationship with her, and he didn't have to think about me.
Well, he probably is. And that is a good sign that he values you and your relationship and family. It is also a good sign, that she is ok with this. This can all work out!

I daily have break downs and second guess his love and whatever this is. I guess I am just trying to get some feedback from people who have been doing this. We have 4 children and while this is how my husband feels a relationship should be I struggle and do not want our kids to see/deal with these struggles as I muddle my way around in this world. Send help

It makes perfect sense to second guess it: We have all learned from day one, that this cannot be. This is not what love looks like.
Maybe it already helps trying to understand his perspective, to understand you don't have to second guess his love.
There is also a lot of social stigma associated with this. Your family is right now moving outside the norm. This causes external, but of course also internal resistance. This is what you experience. It is perfectly normal and ok to feel this way.

Be open with your kids about this. Author Elizabeth Sheff has a lot of insight about poly parenting and how to approprietly tell the kids.

But see it like this:
How would your kids react if neither of their parents them told them?
How would your kids feel, if they found out their parents betrayed them for 18+ years to find out?
What does it make with your kids, if they turn out to be poly as well, but not even their parents want to be their rolemodels? How much pain and confusion would it be for them?
Handle the situation as responsible adults and your family will grow indefinetly.



Maybe a thought experiment for last: How would you react, if your husband told you he was gay or actually felt like a woman? How would you react, if he was these things, but never told you about them?
How would that be for your children, if he was either of these things
How would it be, if he never told them?
 

3908

New member
I've recently talked to my wife about my awareness of interest in polyamory. we are a "non denominational Christian" household.

so my wife went online and found a bunch of anti polyamory stuff to toss at me from Christian websites.
there was a lot of fear on her side, probably still is, she just doesn't want to talk about it right now. that's fine.

I have explained that I'm interested in having a Female friend that I can be affectionate with and have an emotional connection, I'm not really interested in sex with another woman, but my wife says it will turn into that, I say that's not really what i want. she recently found one of her friends has been in poly, but not currently. it doesn't help that her friend says poly is all about sex.
I suppose my interest could turn into a sexual environment eventually, but I said to my wife if it does I would bring that to her to discuss.

my Wife thinks that with my poly thinking, I will cheat on her no mater what, I say NO. that's why I came to her first. that's the ethical thing to do. I have told her that I would only connect with another woman if my wife approves.

My wife has accused me of being selfish, I say that I'm ok with her having a male friend too, the same way I'm interested in, affection, emotional connection, no sex. so that I don't think I'm selfish, but she says she wants nothing to do with another man like I describe.
learning about Compersion, I totally think I could enjoy knowing my wife is being enjoyed by someone else in a safe way, but im not specifically interested in being present for that, and I'm not really interested in hearing a bunch of details of her with another guy, just to say that we can have an agreement (affection ok/emotional connection ok/ no sex or sexual contact) and I would trust her, leave it at that.

so the structure I think I'm interested in is a Primary (Wife) /1 Secondary (Metamour) configuration.
I think it would be more stable to have a married secondary because it seems that if I was with a single woman, as soon as she got a regular boyfriend I would probably get pushed aside where with a already married woman, that might not happen.

I'm a guy in my mid 40s been married for almost 10 years. my first marriage was a disaster, bipolar wife, very angry, controlling and jealous of my guy friends. (yes jealous of guy friends) so in the worst of my first marriage (about 20 years ago) I suggested we could be swingers with my friend and his wife. at the time I didn't know what polyamory was, so I thought being "swingers" was what to call it, but looking back, I was wanting a polyamorous relationship because these were close friends. even today the thought of swinging with random or unknown couples does nothing for me and I really don't want that.

sometime in 2007 I was interested in a then girlfriends best friend who lived in with her, but nothing ever happened, no interest by my then gf.

I'm not sure what my earliest memory of an interest in poly was if it was before my first marriage, but my grandmother raised me for part of my early teen years, she was very open minded and could have talked to me about it. one of my mothers in my teen years was a serial cheater, maybe I thought she should just be open about it, not sure.
 

YouAreHere

Active member
My wife has accused me of being selfish, I say that I'm ok with her having a male friend too, the same way I'm interested in, affection, emotional connection, no sex. so that I don't think I'm selfish, but she says she wants nothing to do with another man like I describe.
learning about Compersion, I totally think I could enjoy knowing my wife is being enjoyed by someone else in a safe way, but im not specifically interested in being present for that, and I'm not really interested in hearing a bunch of details of her with another guy, just to say that we can have an agreement (affection ok/emotional connection ok/ no sex or sexual contact) and I would trust her, leave it at that.
Hi there,
Just something to watch out for: for someone who's really of a monogamous bent, and having had all the monogamous conditioning all her life, your wife may be feeling demoted with the whole "I'd be happy to see you with someone else" thing.

There's a role in her life that's being fulfilled right now (in this cultural mindset), and that's being someone's one and only. To tell someone that you're happy to see them with someone else can feel like they will no longer have a role in your life and instead be "demoted" to a more casual thing - like why even be married at all. We have this cultural expectation of non-exclusivity being more of a casual dating relationship and that the relationship escalator requires you to settle down with one person. It can feel like your partner doesn't feel like you're special anymore and can be hurtful.

It takes a lot of discussion and a lot of self-introspection to even accept a different mindset - if she even wants to. It is up to her to decide if she wants to consider it.

Apologies if this isn't worded well - I'm in between meetings and trying to get *something* out, so I'm sure someone can come along and poke holes where it needs more clarification. I can try to do the same later. :)
 
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