Why does it always have to be at my house?

Okay, so the gf is a very young woman who lives with her mom, and she's afraid it wouldn't be cool to bring home an "older(!)" bf to spend the night. Is it his age, or just that Mom doesn't want any of her (adult) children bringing home partners to spend the night together, unmarried and all? That is entirely the gf's issue to address. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your privacy and serenity just because the gf is young and scared of her mom's disapproval.

And maybe "mi casa su casa" was fine with you years ago, but now you seem to want: "My house is yours for X amount of time, and to make X amount of mess, but no more."

It sounds like you are facing your former tendency to bottle things up to avoid conflict, only to explode like a volcano when the pressure gets to be too much. That should help.
 
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Lol. I believe you are spot on. I was allowing it. I hold a lot of power in this relationship. My husband will bend over backwards for me. At the same time I have no desire for that power, and sure as hell don't want to abuse it. I want to be reasonable about my requests. Sometimes I tend to be hyper-sensitive, even to my detriment. Other times I can be downright nasty. Being able to hear others thoughts on it and get validation (or invalidation) is very helpful.
 
I am reasonably okay with people leaving stuff and making themselves at home. But damn, there are blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, sex toys, cosmetics, food, cookware, you name it. It's crazy. {smh} Clutter is one of my anxiety points, too. It gets worse as I get older.
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Having a toothbrush and your favorite cereal or snacks around because you are a regular overnight guest is one thing. Bulky bedding, stuffed animals, sex toys, COOKWARE? That's moving in part time, not an overnight-bag kinda guest, to me.

One of her roommates is her mother, who lives in a different part of the house. I can see why it would probably be awkward for her to bring home an older man. Still, it should not be a burden for me to carry.
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Right. This is not your problem to solve or burden to carry. Your meta is an adult. She can work that "roommate" stuff out with her mom, or not live with her mom anymore. The mom herself might want to have overnight guests if she is also dating.
 
Abigail, are you familiar with the concept of "poly hell"? It centers on demotion, displacement and intrusion. If you are unfamiliar with the concept, maybe you should read up and look at your territorial issues through the poly hell lens. To me, you got the intrusion part coming out through the butt plug issue. I think the frequency and some of the disrespect could lend itself to you feeling displaced or demoted.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com
 
(Mod note: a bump of a two-year old thread)

I think @Tinwen phrased it very succinctly in another thread:
I hold the consent to have someone enter your home as more fundamental than the consent to poly, [...]

I think you could allow yourself to treat your primary living space as a sacred area designated just for you and the people you choose to share it with, to the extent that feels good to you. And by that, I mean as much space as you need to feel safe, relaxed and comfortable - definitely not just one room where you can spend time behind closed doors. If you're not comfortable with them spending their dates in your house, you are entitled to say "no", just like that.

I know from experience it's really hard to accept that partner and meta choose to live in a complete mess (in terms of the state of the household). Make them do it where you don't get to see it.

You've been brought up to make people feel welcomed in your space. People sense your true feelings. You do them a favour when you welcome them when they're welcomed, but when they may also rely on the fact that you don't invite them when they would be a burden. That way, those who come will feel truly welcomed and cared for, not just tolerated.
 
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