Why does it always have to be at my house?

abigail

New member
My husband and I are poly. We both have been since we met almost ten years ago. We are open and can date others as long as we do so within our established rules. Sometimes we date people together. Those are probably the most fulfilling but are also much more complex, in my experience.

He has been dating his girlfriend for over a year now. She is an okay person though not someone I would choose as a friend. I have no desire to date her, and I don’t believe she has any to date me. We may cuddle from time to time but that’s about as intimate as we get.

Now, I don’t mind sharing my husband. I am happy to see him with others. However, I do have my limits. The only time he and his girlfriend get together is in our home. They very rarely go out anywhere together. In the year and a half, they have been together, they took one weekend trip and maybe went out to dinner twice. That’s it. All the other times they have spent at our house.

I mention this because it wears on me that they are always in my home engaging in their relationship. Do I have to constantly see this? It makes me feel uncomfortable, like a third wheel. I feel as if my safe space is being violated.

Before you ask, yes, we discussed this at length. There are reasons why she cannot host him at her house or anywhere other than my house. Not great reasons in my opinion but, whatever, who am I to judge someone else’s situation.

When she does visit, she usually sleeps over. She doesn’t want to drive the thirty minutes to see my husband if she can’t sleep over (per my husband). She sleeps in the extra bedroom, and he sleeps with her. So, the net is not only do I have to endure the scene of their relationship while she is here, I also lose my husband for the night. This results in an elevated anxiety. I try not being there when she is visiting. I will spend time with one of my other partners if they are available or just hide in my office or bedroom. It helps, I think.

During our last talk I told them I would work on my anxiety when she is over. I don’t want her to feel unwelcomed in my home. I don’t want anyone to feel unwelcomed in my home. It’s not how I was raised. But does that mean I should feel unwelcomed in my own home?


Abigail
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Maybe you and hubby would be better having separate spaces. Either your own rooms, or your own homes. That way, you choose when you share that space and who you share it with.

It sounds like they've decided their relationship is best facilitated in his home and he's happy to host. If you're not okay with that, maybe you need your own space
 

abigail

New member
Maybe you and hubby would be better having separate spaces. Either your own rooms, or your own homes. That way, you choose when you share that space and who you share it with.

It sounds like they've decided their relationship is best facilitated in his home and he's happy to host. If you're not okay with that, maybe you need your own space
Thanks. As stated, I do already arrange to stay other places when they are together, this kind of makes getting another space redundant. But your solution does answer my question in a round about way. It is not normal to feel unwelcome in my own home and such I should seek a space that is just my own.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
When you talked to husband, what did he say? Is this schedule ever going to change? Is this just how it is gonna be forever?

Because you live there too, and having a guest over all the time wears on people. Esp if they are over so much its like they live there and you are starting to feel crowded out of your own home.

Could you and husband plan to live apart and one of you takes a flat or something?
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
After a year and a half of this, no wonder you're worn down by it. Are there financial reasons why they can't go to an Airbnb? Or get further out of town for a longer time (if she's in a situation where she's very concerned about being seen anywhere with him)? How often is she at your house? (And tbh, it must be a pretty boring relationship if they "can't" ever do anything else together except play house in your home).

I get being raised to not have people feel unwelcome in your home, but you're right, you shouldn't have been stretched to the point where you are the one feeling unwelcome.

It might not be feasible to have separate homes (you and hubby) so how else could you address the situation if hubby has dug in that this is the only way? As you said, as often as possible you visit another partner. Why isn't this every time? Are there schedules involved here? Enough advanced warning? Any kind of regularity? Or are her circumstances more...spontaneous?

I have a meta who exclusively goes to see her bf on Saturday nights. That's the only time my partner will host at his house. When she's out. The schedule makes this easy.

Rather than hiding in your office or bedroom, or going out with a partner, is there something else you could do to take yourself our at least for a little while? A movie? Gym time? Evening spa/massage/mani-pedi? Date yourself on these nights so you have something to look forward to about them.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello abigail,

That's weird that your husband and his girlfriend almost always get together in your home. Most people when they're dating, tend to go out somewhere, they don't just hang around at one of their houses, let alone always the same house!

It doesn't sound like they're being very considerate of your feelings. It's pretty bad when you feel unwelcome in your own home! That shouldn't ever happen. It seems to me that she should have better reasons for why it can't be at her house.

I would say that you should get a house/flat of your own, but honestly this problem is not your fault, so if anyone should get their own house/flat it should be your husband. And I admit it's a little odd for two spouses to live in different houses. [shrug] Welcome to the wonderful world of poly.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

abigail

New member
I would be bored as hell for sure never going out. I don't know how they do it. I prefer to be out and about with my partners. I want to show them off to everyone. But hey, to each their own I suppose. Though in fairness, my home is not that boring of a place. We are lifestylers and have a play space in our home. So, I suppose it offers something that an AirBNB or hotel room would not. And I am okay with them being here from time to time, but all the time and sleeping over for a year and a half. I am exhausted.

We all talk when we discuss issues, not just me and my husband. The three of us will sit and discuss. I struggle whether I am being unfair or unreasonable with my requirements. I am a bit old fashioned and if my husband and I are home together we should be sleeping together. Even when my girlfriend sleeps over she will sleep in the same room with us. No one should have to sleep alone unless they want to. So, our solution is she either sleeps with us, I stay with another partner or friend that night, or she just doesn't sleep over. As such we set up scheduling to satisfy this requirement. Last minutes change ups are rare and when they happen we discuss or I just need to deal with it (usually the latter).

And for the record, no, my husband and I have no desire to live apart. We are very much in love with each other. We still enjoy each other company and we both love exploring this polyamorous world together. If we were to do anything, we would bring in our partners to live with us, but that is a conversation for another day.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
How often is she sleeping over? Once a week? Twice? More?
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
did you own / purchase the house/ home prior to marriage and that’s why you feel a greater attachment to the house ?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
The three of us will sit and discuss. I struggle whether I am being unfair or unreasonable with my requirements.

Well, how many days a week is she spending the night? How many bedrooms are in this home?

I am a bit old fashioned and if my husband and I are home together we should be sleeping together. Even when my girlfriend sleeps over she will sleep in the same room with us. No one should have to sleep alone unless they want to. So, our solution is she either sleeps with us, I stay with another partner or friend that night, or she just doesn't sleep over.

Does that part need to change to "No one should sleep with other people unless they want to?"
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I am a bit old fashioned and if my husband and I are home together we should be sleeping together.
If you were that old fashioned, you'd be monogamous. No, when a partner comes over, it's reasonable that partner and the hinge sleep together, alone..unless you all enjoy sexual activity together and that type of intimacy.

Honestly if you're having talks with all 3 people and it isn't changing, you've been outvoted
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi abigail,

While it is understandable that they would spend some time at your house, all the time and for this long is too much. They need to find other things to do for dates. It isn't healthy for them, and it isn't fair to you, the way they are doing it. Tell them they must stop spending so much time at your house. You and your husband living apart is not an option.

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 

abigail

New member
How often is she sleeping over? Once a week? Twice? More?
It used to be two to three times a week on average. Since we talked it is once, sometimes twice. So it is much better, though it is something I struggle with. Is it wrong for me to limit the amount of times his other partners stays over? Shouldn't it be his choice on how much time he wants to spend with each of his partners?

I have a partner who visits every two or three weeks. She will stay a couple nights and go home. Sometimes she will stay three or four nights (she lives two hours away). The difference is, we are all comfortable with each other and sleep in the same bed together. She and my husband are not sexual, but are intimate. Usually we try to schedule things so both our partners are here at the same time, but that doesn't always happen.


did you own / purchase the house/ home prior to marriage and that’s why you feel a greater attachment to the house ?
I do have territorial issues and I have considered these as a reason or at least in part for some of the difficulties I am having. This is my home. I should feel comfortable and safe in my own home.

Here are some examples of what I had to deal with territorially speaking;
  • Putting things back where you found them after you are done with them.
  • Leaving dirty butt plugs in the bathroom sink. Seriously, they were there for a week until I said something. I don't use that bathroom and it was another guest who told me they were there. I mean, really, who does that?.
  • Changing the temperature in my home. I get the importance of making it comfortable for guests, but at least ask before changing it.
  • He gave her a shelf in the pantry, space in the fridge and has closet space and leaves stuff in the guest room. We see no rent from her but she does make him nice meals.
  • "Clean your mess when you are done" does not mean leaving a ton of dishes on the drying mat for me to put away. I have a simple rule; leave the place the same or better than the way you found it. I raised two daughters, this stuff is not new to me (well, except the butt plug part which is not half as disgusting as some of the stuff my kids have left for me). But my kids are raised and out now. I did my time. I don't need more kids to clean up after.
I know, I share the home with my husband and he too should feel safe and comfortable in it. I will happily clean up after him, but if he is going to entertain a partner and make a mess, shouldn't it be their responsibility to clean it up, properly?

The three of us had already discussed a lot of these issues and it is much better now, which is why I didn't mention it earlier. But it does reflect on my territorial issues and thought it may be useful.

From his girlfriends perspective, she wants to feel like she has her own place here. She wants something she can call her own. I am not sure how I feel about that. I get it, but her name is not on the deed and she doesn't pay rent. I am not even sure paying rent would matter. I wouldn't want her as a housemate. We had others rent a room out before. It was very stressful. I don't want to do that anymore.


Honestly if you're having talks with all 3 people and it isn't changing, you've been outvoted
We do poly, not democracy. It's about compromise in order to make all parties feel fulfilled (win-win). If people like to run their poly as a democracy then more power to them. In our household we resolve issues so everyone can feel comfortable and safe. If things are so conflicted where this can not be achieved then maybe we are just not compatible with each other. And this is a possibility I consider as well.


While it is understandable that they would spend some time at your house, all the time and for this long is too much. They need to find other things to do for dates. It isn't healthy for them, and it isn't fair to you, the way they are doing it. Tell them they must stop spending so much time at your house. You and your husband living apart is not an option.
I tend to feel this way too. Except for the unhealthy part. It is not my place to say what is or isn't healthy for their relationship. I just wish that they would do it in her home or somewhere else. From my perspective; she doesn't want her roommates to feel uncomfortable with her and my husband at her place (or maybe she is not comfortable), yet she will come to my home and make me uncomfortable? That just doesn't seem right to me.

Is me being uncomfortable my problem and something I should be fixing about myself?

--


I have been known to have outbursts. Things will stew up inside of me and then, bam! Everything comes out at once and those closest to me get hurt. I normally don't use filters and some people find me offensive because of it. When I have an outburst it can be much worse.

I am trying to fix that by having a regular outlet and by having more conversations with my partners when the need arises. But people don't always say what is on their minds. I am hoping being here will help give me some different perspectives and help me understand their minds better. It might be good to hear from someone who is in my husband's girlfriend's situation or even in my husband's situation.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
From his girlfriends perspective, she wants to feel like she has her own place here. She wants something she can call her own.

3 days a week is almost living here half time. That's too much. It isn't her home, and she doesn't pay rent. She could leave a toothbrush, and her snacks or something, but dirty butt plugs laying about? Come ON. Plus you seem annoyed hinge gave her a shelf in the pantry, space in the fridge, closet space, and she leaves stuff in the guest room without ever running it by you maybe?

Hinge doesn't clean up after his guests. And neither does guest.

You do have reasons to be annoyed.

Wanting everyone to sleep in one bed? Because you want to sleep with husband? That part you might have to work on.

To me it sounds like a mix of things that each person in this dynamic could work on. It's not all on one person.

Hinge could be a better hinge and clean up after himself and his guests. Also not have her over here so much. Split time going to her place and deal with the roomies.

She could clean up after herself better, and not be over here so much. Split time over at her place. Like alternate weekends or something. One weekend here, one weekend there.

You could work on sleeping on your own. And not doing outburst blow ups.

Now that you talked and it is down to 1-2 nights a week, maybe it improves. But I think some of the time they really ought to be at her place and she hosts. And depending on how much stuff she's leaving here -- maybe some of it needs to go back home with her.

Small stuff might be ok, but like she's practically moved in is too much.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi abigail,

It seems to me that it would be more fair to divide it up evenly. Half the time they hang out at your house; the other half the time they hang out at her house. Right now they are doing 100% at your house and that isn't fair to you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It used to be two to three times a week on average. Since we talked it is once, sometimes twice. So it is much better, though it is something I struggle with. Is it wrong for me to limit the amount of times his other partners stays over? Shouldn't it be his choice on how much time he wants to spend with each of his partners?
Thanks for providing more information.

If your h lived alone, it could certainly be his own choice as to when/how often he has guests. But he has a roommate, you. Likewise, his gf has roommates, who also are not even as comfortable with you are at having others' lovers spend time there, or spend the night.

Everyone who shares a living space with others, whether this is platonic roommates or nesting partners/lovers/spouses, needs to negotiate boundaries around having guests over. It is entirely unfair that her roommates' comfort trumps yours. Maybe they have been more squeaky wheels about it than you have.

A compromise would be for your h and his gf to hang out at her place on a regular basis for a meal in the shared kitchen, tv/movies in her room. Heck, even shared activities with her roomies, if they get along, like board games or video games or other hobbies. Why not? If she isn't actually friends with her roommates, she and your h could stay in her room. If they have a rule there about no overnight guests ever (which would seem strange) they could eventually come to your place to actually sleep. Maybe they'd get home late and you'd be asleep in the master bedroom and just consider that is their night, and they go to the guest room.
I have a partner who visits every two or three weeks. She will stay a couple nights and go home. Sometimes she will stay three or four nights (she lives two hours away). The difference is, we are all comfortable with each other and sleep in the same bed together. She and my husband are not sexual, but are intimate. Usually we try to schedule things so both our partners are here at the same time, but that doesn't always happen.
This is actually a bit unusual. I would say most polyamorists do not have a 3way bed share, where 2 of the people are not sexually involved.
I do have territorial issues and I have considered these as a reason or at least in part for some of the difficulties I am having. This is my home. I should feel comfortable and safe in my own home.

Here are some examples of what I had to deal with territorially speaking;
  • Putting things back where you found them after you are done with them.
  • Leaving dirty butt plugs in the bathroom sink. Seriously, they were there for a week until I said something. I don't use that bathroom and it was another guest who told me they were there. I mean, really, who does that?.
  • Changing the temperature in my home. I get the importance of making it comfortable for guests, but at least ask before changing it.
  • He gave her a shelf in the panty, space in the fridge and has closet space and leaves stuff in the guest room. We see no rent from her but she does make him nice meals.
  • "Clean your mess when you are done" does not mean leaving a ton of dishes on the drying mat for me to put away. I have a simple rule; leave the place the same or better than the way you found it. I raised two daughters, this stuff is not new to me (well, except the butt plug part which is not half as disgusting as some of the stuff my kids have left for me). But my kids are raised and out now. I did my time. I don't need more kids to clean up after.
I know, I share the home with my husband and he too should feel safe and comfortable in it. I will happily clean up after him, but if he is going to entertain a partner and make a mess, shouldn't it be their responsibility to clean it up, properly?

The three of us had already discussed a lot of these issues and it is much better now, which is why I didn't mention it earlier. But it does reflect on my territorial issues and thought it may be useful.
Of course you'd want them to clean up their dishes, their sex toys, wash the sheets, etc. I'm glad you 3 have discussed the above issues and come to some compromises.
From his girlfriend's perspective, she wants to feel like she has her own place here. She wants something she can call her own. I am not sure how I feel about that. I get it, but her name is not on the deed and she doesn't pay rent. I am not even sure paying rent would matter. I wouldn't want her as a housemate. We had others rent a room out before. It was very stressful. I don't want to do that anymore.
Yeah, unless she is on the lease, she doesn't get to claim your place as her own. A drawer, a shelf, OK. If she was on the lease, she'd have a say in the kitchen set up, decorations in the living room and so on. But to be honest, she is basically a guest. Even if she is considered something of a family member, it's not really her place. Her place is where she pays rent. That is where she needs to go and speak up about having a guest there.
I just wish that they would do it in her home or somewhere else. From my perspective; she doesn't want her roommates to feel uncomfortable with her and my husband at her place (or maybe she is not comfortable), yet she will come to my home and make me uncomfortable? That just doesn't seem right to me.

Yeah, it's high time the above gets addressed. It is interesting that you don't even know if she comes to your place for her own comfort, or for her roommates' comfort. Your h, as the hinge, must do his best to assure both his partners are as comfortable as possible. If there is money for a hotel/BnB (as someone else said) that should be under consideration, as well.
Is me being uncomfortable my problem and something I should be fixing about myself?
I would say the one thing you could look at, as a poly person, is why you need to sleep with your husband on a night when he has his gf over. Just because YOUR gf is OK with that doesn't mean h's gf needs to be. In fact, it's more likely she wouldn't be. I hope you can speak out about this and the whole issue of her being in your space more than you'd like and figure out a better solution. I don't see why you should sacrifice your privacy when her roommates don't have to.
I have been known to have outbursts. Things will stew up inside of me and then, bam! Everything comes out at once and those closest to me get hurt. I normally don't use filters and some people find me offensive because of it. When I have an outburst it can be much worse.

I am trying to fix that by having a regular outlet and by having more conversations with my partners when the need arises. But people don't always say what is on their minds. I am hoping being here will help give me some different perspectives and help me understand their minds better. It might be good to hear from someone who is in my husband's girlfriend's situation or even in my husband's situation.
It's great that you can go to one of your OSO's places usually, when h's gf comes to your place. My nesting partner and I have a similar arrangement presently (although we have tried different things over the years). Here is what we do, as an example.

On Friday evening, my bf Aries comes to our home around 7pm. My gf, Pixi goes to her bf Malachi's place just before Aries comes here. Malachi has his own house (no roommates). Aries stays here until Sunday night around 9:30. (He works nights.) I usually have the house to myself (yay, me time) on Monday. Pixi usually comes back here on Tuesday at some point.

One or two Friday evenings a month, Aries goes out with friends of his own. On those weekends, I just see him for 24 hours. I may pop over to his place for a quick visit during the week, but he lives with his brothers and cousins and it's not that private.

Added to this: Pixi and I have a ranch house with a finished basement. In the past, I have entertained other bfs for a few hours in the upstairs part of the house while Pixi chills out downstairs where the big tv is. She brings down snacks and drinks so she can give us space. There's a half bath down there too.

We have not usually had any of my prior bfs spending the night when Pixi is here. But (as another example) when that has happened, with this one guy, I would tuck him into bed in the guest room. He didn't mind at all sleeping alone. We would have sex, and then I'd come back out and spend time with Pixi, watch tv, and then sleep with her, but in the morning I'd go back to the guest bedroom, usually before my bf got up, so we could cuddle. On the other hand, if a bf would have wanted to spend all night with me, that would have been fine with Pixi too. (This was before she had Malachi, before she and I were living together. Usually she'd stay at her own apartment if I was going to have someone else spend the night at my apartment.)
 
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abigail

New member
Thanks all for the help and advice. It's nice to have a sounding board that is not too close to the situation. It sounds like we are on the right course but still more work to do. And yes, I know I have some things to work on as well.

Small stuff might be ok, but like she's practically moved in is too much.
I believe in 'mi casa su casa'. So I am reasonably okay with people leaving stuff and making themselves at home. But damn; there are blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, sex toys cosmetics, food, cookware, you name it. It's crazy. {smh}. Clutter is one of my anxiety points too. It gets worse as I get older, fun stuff.


That seems to be something you've had to fight for rather than it being afforded to you.
This is possible. I relate it more to child rearing. Kids will push boundaries until their hands are slapped, it's in their programming. I suppose adults will behave the same way. So, yes, in a way I had to fight for it, but the fight was keeping my mouth shut until I couldn't and then just a matter of discussing my issues. I just don't want to come off as unreasonable.


It seems to me that it would be more fair to divide it up evenly.
Agreed, but getting there is the hard part. I will settle for one day right now. Actually, I was mistaken, they did stay at her place one weekend when the roommates were away. BTW, I am not sure I mentioned this and not even sure if it makes a difference, but one of her roommates is her mother that lives in a different part of the house. So, maybe I can see why it would probably be awkward for her to bring home an older man. Still, it should not be a burden for me to carry.


Here is what we do, as an example
Thanks for sharing your story.


This is actually a bit unusual. I would say most polyamorists do not have a 3way bed share, where 2 of the people are not sexually involved.
This interesting but I can see that. We never felt we had to be sexual with anyone just to sleep together. It's like cuddling but while unconscious. I enjoy the energy from sleeping with others. It may sound odd but everybody gives off an energy even when sleeping; especially when sleeping. I feed on it. I am like a dog, I need to be around humans. If I have a spirit animal it is probably a wolf.


Thanks again, it is much appreciated.
 

ref2018

Maid of All Work
Staff member
I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything, so of course what I am about to say is gonna make me sound like a jerk:

The title of this thread is "Why does it always have to be at my house?"

And the answer is: Because you allow it. After all, the best thing about banging your head against the wall is how good it feels when you finally stop.
 
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