It used to be two to three times a week on average. Since we talked it is once, sometimes twice. So it is much better, though it is something I struggle with. Is it wrong for me to limit the amount of times his other partners stays over? Shouldn't it be his choice on how much time he wants to spend with each of his partners?
Thanks for providing more information.
If your h lived alone, it could certainly be his own choice as to when/how often he has guests. But he has a roommate, you. Likewise, his gf has roommates, who also are not even as comfortable with you are at having others' lovers spend time there, or spend the night.
Everyone who shares a living space with others, whether this is platonic roommates or nesting partners/lovers/spouses, needs to negotiate boundaries around having guests over. It is entirely unfair that her roommates' comfort trumps yours. Maybe they have been more squeaky wheels about it than you have.
A compromise would be for your h and his gf to hang out at her place on a regular basis for a meal in the shared kitchen, tv/movies in her room. Heck, even shared activities with her roomies, if they get along, like board games or video games or other hobbies. Why not? If she isn't actually friends with her roommates, she and your h could stay in her room. If they have a rule there about no overnight guests ever (which would seem strange) they could eventually come to your place to actually sleep. Maybe they'd get home late and you'd be asleep in the master bedroom and just consider that is their night, and they go to the guest room.
I have a partner who visits every two or three weeks. She will stay a couple nights and go home. Sometimes she will stay three or four nights (she lives two hours away). The difference is, we are all comfortable with each other and sleep in the same bed together. She and my husband are not sexual, but are intimate. Usually we try to schedule things so both our partners are here at the same time, but that doesn't always happen.
This is actually a bit unusual. I would say most polyamorists do not have a 3way bed share, where 2 of the people are not sexually involved.
I do have territorial issues and I have considered these as a reason or at least in part for some of the difficulties I am having. This is my home. I should feel comfortable and safe in my own home.
Here are some examples of what I had to deal with territorially speaking;
- Putting things back where you found them after you are done with them.
- Leaving dirty butt plugs in the bathroom sink. Seriously, they were there for a week until I said something. I don't use that bathroom and it was another guest who told me they were there. I mean, really, who does that?.
- Changing the temperature in my home. I get the importance of making it comfortable for guests, but at least ask before changing it.
- He gave her a shelf in the panty, space in the fridge and has closet space and leaves stuff in the guest room. We see no rent from her but she does make him nice meals.
- "Clean your mess when you are done" does not mean leaving a ton of dishes on the drying mat for me to put away. I have a simple rule; leave the place the same or better than the way you found it. I raised two daughters, this stuff is not new to me (well, except the butt plug part which is not half as disgusting as some of the stuff my kids have left for me). But my kids are raised and out now. I did my time. I don't need more kids to clean up after.
I know, I share the home with my husband and he too should feel safe and comfortable in it. I will happily clean up after him, but if he is going to entertain a partner and make a mess, shouldn't it be their responsibility to clean it up, properly?
The three of us had already discussed a lot of these issues and it is much better now, which is why I didn't mention it earlier. But it does reflect on my territorial issues and thought it may be useful.
Of course you'd want them to clean up their dishes, their sex toys, wash the sheets, etc. I'm glad you 3 have discussed the above issues and come to some compromises.
From his girlfriend's perspective, she wants to feel like she has her own place here. She wants something she can call her own. I am not sure how I feel about that. I get it, but her name is not on the deed and she doesn't pay rent. I am not even sure paying rent would matter. I wouldn't want her as a housemate. We had others rent a room out before. It was very stressful. I don't want to do that anymore.
Yeah, unless she is on the lease, she doesn't get to claim your place as her own. A drawer, a shelf, OK. If she was on the lease, she'd have a say in the kitchen set up, decorations in the living room and so on. But to be honest, she is basically a guest. Even if she is considered something of a family member, it's not really her place. Her place is where she pays rent. That is where she needs to go and speak up about having a guest there.
I just wish that they would do it in her home or somewhere else. From my perspective; she doesn't want her roommates to feel uncomfortable with her and my husband at her place (or maybe she is not comfortable), yet she will come to my home and make me uncomfortable? That just doesn't seem right to me.
Yeah, it's high time the above gets addressed. It is interesting that you don't even know if she comes to your place for her own comfort, or for her roommates' comfort. Your h, as the hinge, must do his best to assure both his partners are as comfortable as possible. If there is money for a hotel/BnB (as someone else said) that should be under consideration, as well.
Is me being uncomfortable my problem and something I should be fixing about myself?
I would say the one thing you could look at, as a poly person, is why you need to sleep with your husband on a night when he has his gf over. Just because YOUR gf is OK with that doesn't mean h's gf needs to be. In fact, it's more likely she wouldn't be. I hope you can speak out about this and the whole issue of her being in your space more than you'd like and figure out a better solution. I don't see why you should sacrifice your privacy when her roommates don't have to.
I have been known to have outbursts. Things will stew up inside of me and then, bam! Everything comes out at once and those closest to me get hurt. I normally don't use filters and some people find me offensive because of it. When I have an outburst it can be much worse.
I am trying to fix that by having a regular outlet and by having more conversations with my partners when the need arises. But people don't always say what is on their minds. I am hoping being here will help give me some different perspectives and help me understand their minds better. It might be good to hear from someone who is in my husband's girlfriend's situation or even in my husband's situation.
It's great that you can go to one of your OSO's places usually, when h's gf comes to your place. My nesting partner and I have a similar arrangement presently (although we have tried different things over the years). Here is what we do, as an example.
On Friday evening, my bf Aries comes to our home around 7pm. My gf, Pixi goes to her bf Malachi's place just before Aries comes here. Malachi has his own house (no roommates). Aries stays here until Sunday night around 9:30. (He works nights.) I usually have the house to myself (yay, me time) on Monday. Pixi usually comes back here on Tuesday at some point.
One or two Friday evenings a month, Aries goes out with friends of his own. On those weekends, I just see him for 24 hours. I may pop over to his place for a quick visit during the week, but he lives with his brothers and cousins and it's not that private.
Added to this: Pixi and I have a ranch house with a finished basement. In the past, I have entertained other bfs for a few hours in the upstairs part of the house while Pixi chills out downstairs where the big tv is. She brings down snacks and drinks so she can give us space. There's a half bath down there too.
We have not usually had any of my prior bfs spending the night when Pixi is here. But (as another example) when that has happened, with this one guy, I would tuck him into bed in the guest room. He didn't mind at all sleeping alone. We would have sex, and then I'd come back out and spend time with Pixi, watch tv, and then sleep with her, but in the morning I'd go back to the guest bedroom, usually before my bf got up, so we could cuddle. On the other hand, if a bf would have wanted to spend all night with me, that would have been fine with Pixi too. (This was before she had Malachi, before she and I were living together. Usually she'd stay at her own apartment if I was going to have someone else spend the night at my apartment.)