Wife fell in love with her friend. Now we're talking about making a triad.

My wife and I have been married 20 years. We have a special needs child that has put a lot of strain on our relationship. Lately my job has required a lot of travel - one to two weeks out of every month. Childcare was more than wife could handle alone, so her friend started sleeping over.

I wasn't too concerned. I was sure my wife was straight. Then one day she asks if I'd like a threesome. I was shocked, but also intrigued. We started talking about it.

Friend wants Wife. Wife is curious to try, but says I come first. I am attracted to Friend, no problem there. Friend claims that I turn her on. I worry she only says that to get into a relationship with Wife, but if so, she's a great actor.

Wife does not know if she will be able to have a physical relationship with a woman. She's never tried. They have a very strong emotional connection, to the point I feel jealous sometimes of how close they are.

I do like having the friend in the home. She is better at housekeeping and cooking than my wife. The help with childcare is huge. The downside is that she takes a lot of my wife's attention. But to be honest, before she was in the picture, our attention was taken up by the kid and her needs. We didn't have much time for each other before the friend started taking on some of the load.

So this is where we are. After over twenty years of being committed to the same woman, and never considering cheating, I'm considering a triad.

I am a believer in monogamy, but I think I'd be okay with a closed, committed, triad. I worry about it being a V with my wife as pivot, because I'd feel jealous and excluded. I worry about really hitting it off with the friend, but my wife deciding she can't go through with it. Then I'll have to deal with the sexual tension. I had never thought about another woman, but now that it's on the table? I've been thinking about her.

From what I've read on this and other forums, I guess I'm really lucky. The relationship is forming naturally. No unicorn hunting. If it all comes together.
 
WElcome to the forum. The thing about triads is, as long as you all relate to each other individually as well as a group and are not fixated on everything being "equal" at all times or creating rules for one person to follow unilaterally, and other things like that, you're not a unicorn hunter. I know on reddit they act like anyone who is a man/woman married couple forming a triad with another woman is a unicorn hunter, but that is not true.

Feel free to start a thread in the Life Stories and Blogs section if you just want to share updates without specifically asking for other people's opinions. If you post anywhere else in the forums, you'll get opinions.
 
My wife and I have been married 20 years. We have a special needs child that has put a lot of strain on our relationship. Lately my job has required a lot of travel - one to two weeks out of every month. Childcare was more than wife could handle alone, so her friend started sleeping over.

I wasn't too concerned. I was sure my wife was straight. Then one day she asks if I'd like a threesome. I was shocked, but also intrigued. We started talking about it.

Friend wants Wife. Wife is curious to try, but says I come first. I am attracted to Friend, no problem there. Friend claims that I turn her on. I worry she only says that to get into a relationship with Wife, but if so, she's a great actor.
It's good to be worried about that. How well does Wife know Friend? Is Friend bisexual (or pansexual)? Has she had relationships with both women and men before? Is she currently single, or does she have other partners? Has she been in poly relationships before? How did that go?

These are the kinds of questions I ask people on a first date, to see how polyamory might go. It's not too late to ask them now, even though she's become a fixture in your home as a nanny/housekeeper.

Does she want to move in full time? If so, why? Does she just need a place to stay?
Wife does not know if she will be able to have a physical relationship with a woman. She's never tried.
That's a concern. Bit of a red flag. What happens if she finds she is not into lesbian sex? Does it end their friendship, and end getting the help with Kid?

What happens if Wife is devastated to see you having sex with another woman? What happens if you feel more jealous of them, not less, if you see them enjoying each other in bed?
They have a very strong emotional connection, to the point I feel jealous sometimes of how close they are.

I do like having the friend in the home. She is better at housekeeping and cooking than my wife. The help with childcare is huge. The downside is that she takes a lot of my wife's attention. But to be honest, before she was in the picture, our attention was taken up by the kid and her needs. We didn't have much time for each other before the friend started taking on some of the load.
It's very unusual for a grown adult woman to step in and help a married couple with childcare and cooking and housework, unless they are paid to do so. How come she has all this free time? Are you feeding her for free?
So this is where we are. After over twenty years of being committed to the same woman, and never considering cheating, I'm considering a triad.

I am a believer in monogamy, but I think I'd be okay with a closed, committed, triad. I worry about it being a V with my wife as pivot, because I'd feel jealous and excluded. I worry about really hitting it off with the friend, but my wife deciding she can't go through with it. Then I'll have to deal with the sexual tension.
Yep, that's one of the worst things about triads. Look forward to a possible breakup and see if it's worth the risk.
I had never thought about another woman, but now that it's on the table? I've been thinking about her.

From what I've read on this and other forums, I guess I'm really lucky. The relationship is forming naturally. No unicorn hunting. If it all comes together.
Hmmm, I wouldn't say you're lucky to be asked to add sex to this free childcare/cooking/housework angel (or possibly grifter...). It makes things more complicated and could cause damage to every single one of you, even your kid, who would suffer from the fallout of losing her new second mommy.

Most successful formerly mono couples do at least ONE YEAR, preferably two, of research before starting to date others. You guys are like just jumping into this totally blind, just because Friend says she has the hots for both of you. Goodness, she must be very pretty and charismatic.

It's flattering I guess, and you imagine it could be hot. But it could be horrible. Take your time. Do NOT drink alcohol with this woman and have sex by accident. Keep a level head until you've at least read one book, like say, Opening Up!
 
It's good to be worried about that. How well does Wife know Friend? Is Friend bisexual (or pansexual)? Has she had relationships with both women and men before? Is she currently single, or does she have other partners? Has she been in poly relationships before?

Wife and Friend have known each other seven years. Close friends for the past two or more. Friend is primarily interested in women, but "has been with men before". She was in a triad once before and says she had a closer connection with the man. The relationship ended when the wife became pregnant. Friend is currently single - sort of. She is married to a woman, but they have been separated for the past seven years. Her ex won't sign the divorce papers. For the past few years she has been with another woman, but that was always rocky and it ended about a year ago.

Does she want to move in full time? If so, why? Does she just need a place to stay?

She is living at my house full time now. After breaking up with her last girlfriend, she was living at her mom's house, but her mom has never really accepted that her daughter is a lesbian, so it was uncomfortable there. She was already spending all of her free time over here - Child needs a lot of attention, and Wife was nearing a breakdown with the amount of work it takes - but Friend was also struggling with the breakup, relationship with her mom, and work stress. Friend claims that she feels safe and accepted here. Doing housework keeps her mind occupied. She likes cooking, and I'm sure it makes her feel nice that we all enjoy the meals she prepares.

What happens if she finds she is not into lesbian sex? Does it end their friendship, and end getting the help with Kid?

Friend says no. She is happy just being where she feels safe and accepted and that won't change. I have my doubts though. How long will she be content without a partner of her own? If she started dating, and met someone, would she move out to be with that new partner? I wouldn't want her bringing partners to my home - the house isn't that big!

What happens if Wife is devastated to see you having sex with another woman? What happens if you feel more jealous of them, not less, if you see them enjoying each other in bed?

These are among my greatest worries. I'm already struggling a bit with the thought that my wife has been carrying on an emotional affair. Even though it has not yet become physical, they love each other deeply. It hurts, but I understand that Wife was drowning with the needs of Child and when I'm traveling for work, the support from Friend was critical. I'm still working through it, but I think I can move past it.

It's very unusual for a grown adult woman to step in and help a married couple with childcare and cooking and housework, unless they are paid to do so. How come she has all this free time? Are you feeding her for free?
She doesn't pay rent or anything, but I think she more than earns her keep with the amount of housework and childcare. It is unusual, but she says she is happy to be somewhere safe and accepting. She has all of this free time because her past girlfriends were so controlling, I don't think she knows what to do without someone telling her. Living here, she is free to do whatever she wants, and it seems that staying in the house, being a "housewife" is what she wants. I can only guess.

Hmmm, I wouldn't say you're lucky to be asked to add sex to this free childcare/cooking/housework angel (or possibly grifter...). It makes things more complicated and could cause damage to every single one of you, even your kid, who would suffer from the fallout of losing her new second mommy.

You are right, I would have been happier to not have another person in my marriage - taking a share of my wife's love - but I understand that Wife needed that emotional support. I didn't think it would turn romantic. I am just trying to navigate the course forward. My love for Wife hasn't changed. Wife says her love for me hasn't changed. Wife says if I don't want things to happen, they don't have to happen, but I'm not going to tell her to suppress her feelings. I want her to feel free to find happiness.

Goodness, she must be very pretty and charismatic.

She is very pretty, but more importantly, she is genuinely tender and caring. She loves my wife and child. I think she likes me. She says I turn her on. She turns me on. When I get home after a long flight, and she makes me a drink and rubs my shoulders, I feel cared about. I start to have sexual thoughts too which makes me feel guilty, but if the Wife is on board with it, maybe it's going to be okay?
Friend and I get along well. We are alike in many ways. Wife has joked we are just the male and female versions of the same person. We have gone out together to enjoy hobbies that we share that Wife does not enjoy.
 
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I should make it clear that Wife and I have no expectations and have put no conditions on Friend. She is free to do whatever. No housework, no childcare, nothing. She can go or stay as she wishes. We ask for nothing. She helps out because she wants to. Because she loves my wife and child. Does she want to replace me? Maybe, but I don't think she is that devious. She seems to be just happy to have people that care about her - and don't try to control her. Control her movements, control what she wears, control who she talks to - like her exes have.
My wife's family also likes and accepts Friend. We spend a lot of time with Wife's parents and Friend is always welcome. Nieces and nephews are excited to play with Friend. Friend is an only child. I can understand how she is happy here with a family that accepts her.
So, why risk this great arrangement by moving to intimacy? Well, I feel like Friend and Wife are already moving in that direction. They are already emotionally involved. Wife is wondering about her feelings. I appreciate that I'm included and it's not happening behind my back. It helps that Friend is very attractive with a fit, athletic body. And beautiful eyes. I have a hard time looking her in the eyes because I start to feel strong urges to embrace her and kiss her. I think she knows this by the cute little twist in her smile when she sees the effect she is having.
 
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Thanks for more information. It sounds like Friend is well established in your home! She's had a rocky past life with two (at least) controlling partners, one who won't even finalize their divorce. (That makes for some possibly sketchy legal issues.)

How long ago did she move in full time, to be fully financially supported by you?

You're gone 1/4-1/2 the time from your home. I'm really sorry you have to work so much, leaving Wife with your special needs child at home. How old is Kid? Is she in any programs suited to her needs, or is (was) Wife just doing everything, never getting any breaks?

I see how Friend needs stability, and has ingratiated herself with you, to the point of bringing you a drink at the end of a hard work day, massaging your shoulders, giving you "the Look," etc. She's really working her way in. Wife loves her and you are falling for her too, fantasizing sex, etc. It seems "perfect," you seem "lucky" to have this triad looming ahead of you. Friend wants to be safe in a triad. Some unicorns have that need to date a married MF couple, to get that Mommy and Daddy care they missed out on as a child.

It seems like she's built a lot of trust with Wife. And if there is attraction between you and her, you're all, "Why not?" She's been in a triad before. It didn't end up working out long term. Maybe you think this time it will be different. I can't say whether it will or not. There are successful triads out there. We don't get them coming to this board, because they're making it work and don't need our help.

I'd still recommend you and Wife read a book or two before going all the way into full-on naked sex. Wife has her doubts. This could be fine, or it could be just one more rocky path for Friend.
 
How long ago did she move in full time, to be fully financially supported by you?

She moved in a little over a year ago. Wife mentioned feelings one month ago.
I make a good enough living that I don't have to care about finances, and adding one person to the household really doesn't affect my bills noticeably. Friend covers her personal bills - like hair, nails, clothes - out of the money her father left her.

How old is Kid? Is she in any programs suited to her needs, or is (was) Wife just doing everything, never getting any breaks?

'Kid' is physically an adult, intellectually a pre-teen, and emotionally a toddler. Wife did nearly all care without any support or breaks. When I was home, and would take over childcare, that just left wife feeling alone and lonely because child took my attention and we could not be a couple. Family is unwilling to give any help due to the amount of work it is to manage the kid. We have had a parade of case workers and care providers that show up for an hour (when they show - which is half the time or less), do nothing, leave, and then send a bill.

Some unicorns have that need to date a married MF couple, to get that Mommy and Daddy care they missed out on as a child.

Friend was very close to her father, who passed away when she was young, so that might be it.
 
Greetings SquishyHusk,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I hope things go well with your pending triad, it sounds like you have some details to work out first. I hope Polyamory.com can be of some help, if you have any questions let us know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I guess one thing I need advice on right now:
Wife said that because she has never been with a woman before, the first time she wants me to just watch while she explores how girl-girl stuff works.
I can't honestly say whether watching my wife be with someone will be great or terrible. I wonder if we'd all be happier if they had time to pursue things as a couple first. However, then I'd feel like having one-on-one time with Friend. Is that being too concerned with "balance"?
Maybe I'll really like watching? Maybe I'll get to join in if the first time is going well.
 
My vote would be to start with one/one encounters, without the third person present. You can try threesome stuff (including watching) later.
 
She moved in a little over a year ago. Wife mentioned feelings one month ago.
So it took a year for Wife to "develop feelings," aka, "fall in love" with Friend. But Wife may not be bisexual. She is willing to try sex with Friend (as long as you're in bed too, doing stuff?) but she might not like it. That's OK. She can feel romantic to another woman without feeling sexually attracted enough to actually have sex with her.
I make a good enough living that I don't have to care about finances, and adding one person to the household really doesn't affect my bills noticeably. Friend covers her personal bills - like hair, nails, clothes - out of the money her father left her.
Cool.
'Kid' is physically an adult, intellectually a pre-teen, and emotionally a toddler. Wife did nearly all care without any support or breaks. When I was home, and would take over childcare, that just left wife feeling alone and lonely because child took my attention and we could not be a couple.
How is it then, that when you're gone, Wife and Friend can feel like a couple when they collaborate on caring for your child?

Another question, if it's not too personal, but I think it's relevant: have the two women been sharing a bed all along? Have they been embracing and kissing for extended periods already?
Family is unwilling to give any help due to the amount of work it is to manage the kid. We have had a parade of case workers and care providers that show up for an hour (when they show - which is half the time or less), do nothing, leave, and then send a bill.
I'm sorry. That's a shame. I had a friend about five years ago with an adult autistic daughter (non-verbal) who got to go to a 9-5 day program, M-F, which was very beneficial. But we live in one of the most progressive states in the US.

I'm sure the "child" care is incredibly exhausting. But somehow Friend is keeping a clean house and making great meals. And she even has energy for threeway sex, just the same, and Wife is on board with that, and so are you!

And now you're asking about polyamorous commitment ceremonies/gestures. You three haven't had sex yet (?), but you want to "marry" Friend? Or does Wife want to marry Friend?

Maybe you should wait a while to commit legally. Because you don't know how the romantic/sexual aspect of your relationship with Friend and Wife's relationship with Friend, will pan out. You haven't even read a book on polyamory yet. But maybe you're just casually asking.

Other ways to commit are to set up legal protections such as inheritance rights, next of kin status for medical emergencies, put her on your lease or mortgage, combine finances (to a degree), pay her health and life insurance, etc.
 
Wife said that because she has never been with a woman before, the first time she wants me to just watch while she explores how girl-girl stuff works.
Does friend also want this? How will you feel if one of them changes their mind and wants the usual privacy a dyad has when exploring sex together?

I can't honestly say whether watching my wife be with someone will be great or terrible. I wonder if we'd all be happier if they had time to pursue things as a couple first.
Have you suggested this? Maybe you can just decline to be present the first time they’re together. Since you’re not sure how it would be for you, anyway. Then if wife is just inviting you out of guilt or concern for your FOMO, she can feel okay about going ahead without you. Or does she need you there to feel safe with a new partner? Even this one she is so close to?

However, then I'd feel like having one-on-one time with Friend. Is that being too concerned with "balance"?
Yes. Friend is not a carnival ride and you are not ten years old. Things will rarely if ever be balanced in a triad (or V, or zigzag tangle). Start how you intend to continue: with equal respect for the unique characteristics of all of the individuals and partnerships involved.

If you won’t be content without an illusion of equal portion sizes, don’t sign up for this meal plan.

Maybe I'll really like watching? Maybe I'll get to join in if the first time is going well.
This “maybe” doesn’t sound like a joyful yes. I think everyone could slow down and stop planning to do things they know they aren’t ready for. Talk and learn about all this stuff until someone says “I really want to [do x thing with y partner(s)] and I feel ready to approach it with compassion and curiosity (and maybe humor, if that is how they work),” and y partner(s) is/are equally ready. Then x thing can happen without all of this insecurity and “what if?”.

Just. Slow down, enjoy the intimacy you all have, and enjoy learning about what else you might want, instead of trying to force it over the next frontier because it’s there.

Slow and steady is always the right choice when your relationships are good for all of you right now. That’s my advice!
 
Have you suggested this? Maybe you can just decline to be present the first time they’re together. Since you’re not sure how it would be for you, anyway.
I told them they are free to explore whenever and however they want.
Yes. Friend is not a carnival ride and you are not ten years old. Things will rarely if ever be balanced in a triad (or V, or zigzag tangle). Start how you intend to continue: with equal respect for the unique characteristics of all of the individuals and partnerships involved.

Just. Slow down, enjoy the intimacy you all have, and enjoy learning about what else you might want, instead of trying to force it over the next frontier because it’s there.

Slow and steady is always the right choice when your relationships are good for all of you right now. That’s my advice!
This is good advice. Thank you.
 
How is it then, that when you're gone, Wife and Friend can feel like a couple when they collaborate on caring for your child?

Another question, if it's not too personal, but I think it's relevant: have the two women been sharing a bed all along? Have they been embracing and kissing for extended periods already?
This touches on some of the problems with my marriage. Why do they make a better parenting team than my wife and I did? Some of it was me putting my career first.
And yes, they have been sharing a bed for quite some time. If they are to be believed, it was only cuddling for support until recently when they started kissing. The infidelity hurts, but my wife was headed for a breakdown and I was not giving her what she needed. I can't fault her for reaching for someone to keep her afloat when she was drowning. I'm moving past the resentment and jealousy and navigating the path forward. The path is made easier because the adultery partner is a hot young woman that is also a great cook. She appears to want this - to be a partner to me as well as my wife. How can I really know? It's obvious that her and my wife are in love. My wife says she still loves me the same. Friend gives all signals that she wants to have sex with me. But how do I know if it's sincere? I want to make sure Friend knows there are no expectations. This is her home now and she doesn't need to do anything to stay.
 
How can I really know? It's obvious that her and my wife are in love. My wife says she still loves me the same. Friend gives all signals that she wants to have sex with me. But how do I know if it's sincere? I want to make sure Friend knows there are no expectations. This is her home now and she doesn't need to do anything to stay.
I think you can listen to your wife and her other partner. Tell them your feelings and experience, and hear their needs and interests. It sounds like this is a pretty stable situation that doesn’t need rescue or intervention. So what it needs is care and feeding. Practices that promote communication, connection, and acceptance. If ever there was an ideal time for a little (poly friendly) coaching or counseling, this might be it … when you are building a different kind of family without the usual cultural touchstones and firsthand experience.

Together, you can lay a foundation that gives each person some ballast, and something to support them (emotionally, financially, skills-wise) if the structure needs to be dismantled later. I think you’re right on target by wanting everyone to feel secure.

Rock the boat just enough to say “I need … what do you need … and how do we make sure we can express changing needs as time goes on?” Listen, listen, listen. Don’t try to fix everything. Take it in, and support the needs of the individuals and the dyads and the team. Be flexible and available.

Y’all might just make this work!!
 
This touches on some of the problems with my marriage. Why do they make a better parenting team than my wife and I did? Some of it was me putting my career first.
Maybe because you are gone so much, your daughter feels emotionally more secure having a full time second mom. Wife and Friend are a real team, and can keep abreast of all the issues in a way you could not, coming and going as you do? Also, maybe daughter is receiving better nutrition and enjoying a more orderly home environment, less clutter and mess, etc.
And yes, they have been sharing a bed for quite some time. If they are to be believed, it was only cuddling for support until recently when they started kissing.
Well, it's definitely an unusual poly situation, with the extenuating circumstances. I am concerned that Friend could still be a loose cannon, but if Wife has known her for years, there must be trust that Friend has matured enough to be able to commit in a healthy way.
The infidelity hurts, but my wife was headed for a breakdown and I was not giving her what she needed. I can't fault her for reaching for someone to keep her afloat when she was drowning. I'm moving past the resentment and jealousy and navigating the path forward.

The path is made easier because the adultery partner is a hot young woman that is also a great cook.
As discussed above, your role in having sex with this "hot young woman" is to be determined. Do you think you'd be fine if the women decide they are an exclusive couple after all and you don't get to have sex with Friend in any way, after all? A V, instead of a triad.
She appears to want this - to be a partner to me as well as my wife. How can I really know? It's obvious that she and my wife are in love. My wife says she still loves me the same. Friend gives all signals that she wants to have sex with me. But how do I know if it's sincere? I want to make sure Friend knows there are no expectations. This is her home now and she doesn't need to do anything to stay.
Yeah, I'm thinking Friend may be offering her body to you as a way to secure her free room and board and access to Wife, at least for now. So, I wouldn't rush to commit to her, or to make more financial arrangements, until more time has passed. There's nothing wrong with being cautious until you see how the new relationships evolve past the NRE stage.
 
...your role in having sex with this "hot young woman" is to be determined. Do you think you'd be fine if the women decide they are an exclusive couple after all and you don't get to have sex with Friend in any way, after all? A V, instead of a triad.
If she's faking, she's a great actor. She gives every indication of wanting to get her physical needs met by me. She prefers the company of women, but if my wife is fulfilling her emotional needs, she might just want to "scratch the itch" with me.
If we end up in a V, will I be fine? I'll survive I think. It would be the price of my wife's mental health. Out of my love for her, I'd accept it. Whether I stayed for it, or decided to separate, is a question that I can only answer when faced with the decision. I won't like it, but I might be able to live with it.
 
If she's faking, she's a great actor. She gives every indication of wanting to get her physical needs met by me. She prefers the company of women, but if my wife is fulfilling her emotional needs, she might just want to "scratch the itch" with me.
If we end up in a V, will I be fine? I'll survive I think. It would be the price of my wife's mental health. Out of my love for her, I'd accept it. Whether I stayed for it, or decided to separate, is a question that I can only answer when faced with the decision. I won't like it, but I might be able to live with it.
It's recommended when starting on the more risky venture into committing to polyamory, especially after being mono with your partner for an extended period, to imagine various break-up scenarios.

In your case, you're starting to explore this when the new partner has already been living with you for a good year. So, it's like falling in love and beginning to have sex with a roommate. In your case, there doesn't seem to be any of the "falling in love" bit, of course. It's more like friends with benefits, at least so far. Whether Friend is het enough to actually fall in love with a man, we don't know. Two people sharing one partner-- it's never going to be equal. There will usually be a preference of the unicorn for one of you over the other, and for one of the couple to be more invested in her than the other partner is.

Anyway, the break-up could end up as:

You leave and the women stay together
Friend leaves and you and Wife remain partnered
Wife leaves and you and Friend remain partnered
Everybody breaks up with everyone else and moves to different locations
Everybody breaks up with everyone else and you continue to live together as roommates and coparents

Let's not forget that "staying together for the children's sake" is a HUGE factor in your case, with a child with special needs. So, it seems to me the final scenario would need to be negotiated with the least amount of contention and stress possible, especially to reduce harm to your daughter's increasing equilibrium.

And if there are breakups, and you are the odd man out, of course, you'd still need to continue to provide financially for Friend as well as for Wife and daughter, pretty much forever. This boring and hard stuff should all be discussed up front, prior to sexy fun times, I think! Imagine if you are forced out, and single, or get a new partner, but you're still supporting all of them.

But I hope you all can work this out and everyone can be happy and healthy!

Did you order any books yet?
 
Last night after the kid went to bed, I was sitting on the couch with Wife watching TV. Normally Friend would cuddle with Wife, but Wife was doing stuff on a laptop, so Friend snuggled up to me. I have to say, it felt great. Wife said watching us snuggling together made her feel happy.
When Friend got up to go to bed, wife gave her a peck on the lips. Friend turned to kiss me and I gave her a deep, long kiss. She then went back to give Wife a deep kiss. I told them I'm giving you space to explore and went to bed. Wife came to bed a minute or two later. I asked her if she is happy with what is happening and she said she is happy.
 
Did you order any books yet?
I ordered Opening Up.
And as far as me falling in love with Friend? Now that I don't see her as a rival, I can feel that I care about her. I appreciate her. When she shows me attention, I feel good. I remember falling in love with my wife, and this feels different. I love Friend for being there for my wife and kid - but it's not a romantic love. Or maybe I just haven't given it enough time. It took months to know my wife was the one. Maybe it will take months to know how I really feel about Friend. She's not really my type, but at the same time I feel attracted to her. I didn't really get a choice in who my wife picked, but she didn't really get a choice either - this friend is the only person that stepped forward to help support the wife and kid.
Sure, she made the choice to become romantically involved, but was it really a choice to fall in love? With a person that was there for you when you were struggling? I try to see things from her side.
Ending the relationship is not a choice. So it's either divorce or make lemonade out of these lemons. At least the Friend is making the lemonade taste sweet. The affair could have been with a man. While that shouldn't make a difference, it does. They could have excluded me completely. Things could be better, but also much, much worse.
 
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