Wife of 5 years wants to try polyamory

B

Bryce12

New member
My wife and I have a bit of a back story. We dated when we were both in high school. I left for college and she was extremely hyper-sexual and I think she didn’t know how to channel that into a monogamous relationship. So we went our separate ways. We both ended up with people that we loved at first but then became violent and hurt us and themselves. (This is separate relationships in different parts of our province of Canada) my wife left her partner and moved back home then I left my partner and was in the process of moving back to the same town. I got a hold of her on Facebook because I couldn’t stop thinking about her and we started talking and dating again.

I left for another town to work and date someone else but came right back to my wife because I wasn’t happy. I wanted her.

Here we are, about 12 or so years later and we’re married (for 5 years), trying for children (lots of complications and money and stress involved), and setting up our little family.

My wife and i were talking the other day and she’s afraid I can’t fulfill the kinks and fantasies she has as I am not an extremely dominant person, I can be but I have to be coached and that obviously takes a lot of mood out of the vibes. I’ve been doing everything I can and pushing my boundaries to give her more and she’s thinking because of that she’s feeling she wants even more sexually.

She mentioned possibly opening up to a partner and making rules and boundaries and decisions that best suit the both of us and we can compromise and obviously if I’m on this site I’m open to the possibility I’m just scared and sad and feeling alone in the sense that this is new to me and I’m a trans-man that hasn’t had any surgeries so I already feel self conscience in my body so hearing these things make me feel like I guess, less of a man? That I can’t give my wife what she wants and deserves. I’m not making her fully happy even though she swears to me she wants me to be her one and only it would just be to satisfy her dark urges that I can’t get dominant about.

I don’t know.

If someone could maybe message and help with their experience if they’ve ever had similar? I’d like some friends that have been in a similar situation so I can ask questions and not feel completely insane.
 
What I am hearing is, you'd rather speak one-on-one to someone privately, who perhaps has experience with transgender and BDSM issues, as well as polyamory/ENM? If you open this up to our general community here, you'd get a larger mix of coping skills and ideas. I'm not sure there are many here with experience in all these areas. However, I am gender-non-binary, one of my partners is a transwoman (technically, she IDs as female), my other partner is "questioning," and I've been practicing polyamory full time since 2009. We have a member (kitty) who only writes in our blog section who dates transwomen, and I think she's fairly kinky too. But she doesn't pop around to give advice.
 
Magdlyn said:
What I am hearing is, you'd rather speak one-on-one to someone privately, who perhaps has experience with transgender and BDSM issues, as well as polyamory/ENM? If you open this up to our general community here, you'd get a larger mix of coping skills and ideas. I'm not sure there are many here with experience in all these areas. However, I am gender-non-binary, one of my partners is a transwoman (technically, she IDs as female), my other partner is "questioning," and I've been practicing polyamory full time since 2009. We have a member (kitty) who only writes in our blog section who dates transwomen, and I think she's fairly kinky too. But she doesn't pop around to give advice.
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Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. I will gladly open up to the general community.
 
I will gladly open up to the general community.
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Okay, great! I'll start. Thank you for sharing your story with us! I've abridged it below.
Bryce12 said:
My wife and I dated when we were both in high school. I left for college and she was extremely hyper-sexual and I think she didn’t know how to channel that into a monogamous relationship. So we went our separate ways.... I couldn’t stop thinking about her and we started talking and dating again. 12 or so years later and we’re married (for 5 years), trying for children, setting up our little family.
,
My wife's afraid I can’t fulfill the kinks and fantasies she has, as I am not an extremely dominant person. I can be, but I have to be coached, and that obviously takes a lot of mood out of the vibes. I’ve been doing everything I can to give her more... she’s feeling she wants even more sexually.

She mentioned possibly opening up to a partner... I’m scared and sad and feeling alone... I’m a trans-man that hasn’t had any surgeries, so I already feel self conscious in my body, so hearing these things make me feel like I guess, less of a man? That I can’t give my wife what she wants and deserves. She swears to me she wants me to be her one and only, it would just be to satisfy her dark urges...
I’d like some friends that have been in a similar situation so I can ask questions and not feel completely insane.
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First of all, being a transman, and not being a particularly dominant man doesn't make you not a man, or not less of a man. Not everyone can be a Dom. And believe me, most people, men, women or whatever gender, who say they are Doms are actually secretly weak a-holes lol. Believe me, I've met a bunch.

However, if wife wants more power exchange in your play and you're perhaps both more on the subby side, that can be tricky. Some people do open their mono relationships because their kinks don't match up.

However, maybe you're a switch and you'd be happy to be the sub sometimes and the Top at other times. My two partners and I are more fluid like that. :) (Note, we don't play as a threesome, ever. And my gf's other partner is only a Top/Dom/Master [as far as I know].)

Anyway, is the sex/kink piece the only reasons she wants to open? Mismatched drives, mismatched desire for frequency of sex?

To start, there's no rush. Most formerly mono couples who are considering opening up, who do succeed at it and not become instant trainwrecks, take a least a year, if not two, to read, research and educate themselves about ENM before actually starting to play with or date others. We have a fantastic list of current resources here:


Probably the first book to read is Opening Up, as it's very comprehensive, but people also love Polysecure. The podcast Multiamory is also popular.

Enjoy reading all the threads around the board that pertain to things you're wondering about.
 
Magdlyn said:
Anyway, is the sex/kink piece the only reasons she wants to open? Mismatched drives, mismatched desire for frequency of sex?
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She says that’s mainly the reason. Also, she’s hyper-sexual and I can go with or without sex (for a reasonable amount of time lol) so definitely mismatched drives.
 
Magdlyn said:
Okay, great! I'll start. Thank you for sharing your story with us! I've abridged it below.

First of all, being a transman, and not being a particularly dominant man doesn't make you not a man, or not less of a man. Not everyone can be a Dom. And believe me, most people, men, women or whatever gender, who say they are Doms are actually secretly weak a-holes lol. Believe me, I've met a bunch.

However, if wife wants more power exchange in your play and you're perhaps both more on the subby side, that can be tricky. Some people do open their mono relationships because their kinks don't match up.

However, maybe you're a switch and you'd be happy to be the sub sometimes and the Top at other times. My two partners and I are more fluid like that. :) (Note, we don't play as a threesome, ever. And my gf's other partner is only a Top/Dom/Master [as far as I know].)

Anyway, is the sex/kink piece the only reasons she wants to open? Mismatched drives, mismatched desire for frequency of sex?

To start, there's no rush. Most formerly mono couples who are considering opening up, who do succeed at it and not become instant trainwrecks, take a least a year, if not two, to read, research and educate themselves about ENM before actually starting to play with or date others. We have a fantastic list of current resources here:


Probably the first book to read is Opening Up, as it's very comprehensive, but people also love Polysecure. The podcast Multiamory is also popular.

Enjoy reading all the threads around the board that pertain to things you're wondering about.
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This helps a bit, thank you!!
 
Bryce12 said:
She says that’s mainly the reason. Also, she’s hyper-sexual and I can go with or without sex (for a reasonable amount of time lol) so definitely mismatched drives.
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Okay. Well, that's a legit reason to want to seek other sex partners. In fact, I'm hypersexual too, but my gf's libido is pretty low. So I was highly motivated to date others (men, mostly) to scratch that itch. However, I am also polyamorous (and so is Pixi) and I wanted partners who were open to intellectual, emotional relationships with shared interests other than sex. I do admit, I sometimes just settled for giggles and sex, but only in "emergencies" of extreme horniness. *rolleyes at self* And even then, of course, my standards for who I'd get in bed with were high, because I wanted to feel safe, respected, etc.

But now, your wife, who wants more sex, might be in for a surprise (well, hopefully not, if she reads those books on our lists) that she might go in just wanting sex, but ending up getting fond feelings for her play partners, or even falling in love. You never know! Some people (like swingers) can separate love and sex, but in most cases, our bodies and hormones are designed to have the two go hand-in-hand like peanut butter and jelly.

Some primary partners practice a hierarchy, where they insist on maintaining the two of them as the top priority, and keep all others on another plane, see them less often, mingle their lives less, etc. And in fact, for now, if you two are TTCing, that's probably quite wise. Once there is a pregnancy and a baby, that's going to come first, and be so overwhelming... your wife might not be quite so horny, for a good while. haha

A word of caution about kids though! I'm not sure which of you wants to get pregnant, but if it's your wife, she needs to be extra careful with the birth control, condoms, etc. You probably don't want her getting pregnant by a casual sex partner or kink partner. (Apologies if I hit a nerve; I know how sensitive fertility issues are.)
 
I think you could slow down and tread with caution.

My wife and i were talking the other day and she’s afraid I can’t fulfill the kinks and fantasies she has as I am not an extremely dominant person
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Not all fantasies have to be fulfilled. It's okay that they stay fantasies. You also are not obliged to meet all her fantasies.

That I can’t give my wife what she wants and deserves. I’m not making her fully happy even though she swears to me she wants me to be her one and only it would just be to satisfy her dark urges that I can’t get dominant about.
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Then why does she want polyamory? Poly means "many" and "amory" means love-- so "many loves." So, how's that work if she wants you to be her one and only love?

Is she confusing vocabulary? She says "polyamory" but means "non-monogamy?"

Is it that she wants kink partners who she'd share kink activities with, but only share love with you? What happens if she falls in love with a kink partner? What then?

Why is NOW the best time? I think you could put TTC on hold. Because if this doesn't pan out, you can walk away and just not deal with each other anymore. Not so, if there are kids. You'd still have to deal with each other as coparents.

Maybe you and wife want to talk to a counselor experienced in kink, poly and other forms of non-monogamy. Just because you two were compatible for monogamy for a time doesn't make you AUTOMATICALLY compatible for non-monogamy together. You might not even want the same kinds of non-monogamy. How would all that fit in with raising a family?

So, slow down, talk this out, and figure out if you two are still compatible or not. That is my suggestion.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

Galagirl
 
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Opening a monogamous marriage can fail in fairly hurtful and/or disastrous ways. I would recommend seeking out some of those stories on the internet to balance out the idealistic stuff you might be reading about polyamory. The most ideal way to explore polyamory is when everyone involved has a curiosity, interest, or otherwise identifies with it. Are you being pulled into this? If so, that is already a red flag, in my opinion.

I am not saying polyamory is not an option, or that it is doomed for failure. However, I think if two people enter into a monogamous agreement, it might be best to seek counseling on how to manage the monogamous contract before you consider burning it.
 
GalaGirl said:
Why does she want polyamory? Poly means "many" and "amory" means loves-- "many loves." So, how's that work if she wants you to be her one and only love?

Is she confusing vocabulary? She says "polyamory" but means "non-monogamy?"
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I want to point out that our friend didn't call his or his wife's ideas about opening up "polyamory." Yes, he posted his questions on a polyamory board, but maybe just because we seemed like the nicest place. haha :)

Edit: Oops, I see he titled this "Wife wants to try polyamory." My mistake! Sorry, GG.
 
GalaGirl said:
Is she confusing vocabulary? She says "polyamory" but means "non-monogamy?"
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She might be? Or maybe my wife misspoke and means I would be her “person” in the “hierarchy” of her partners? As @Magdlyn mentioned.

We weren’t in the best scenery to be talking about it as we were smoking out front of my cousins place after moving her in so I asked if I could just have a little bit of time.

I don’t need long, just enough to hear other people’s experiences and maybe do some research then we could in depth talk about it more. Because I’m not a closed person I am open I’m just extremely hesitant about it all.

She agreed and that’s great. And there will be LOTS of communication because we believe in that in our relationship. But obviously she has my brain going now in a hundred million directions lol! I won’t lie and say I’ve been curious in the past with a friend of mine that is Poly and another friend that my wife and I have had a threesome with and have also had around the house kind of as a “third” (I’m so sorry I do not know terminology at all so please correct me) already but I guess I have to have a longer conversation with her about this because you all bring up valid points and more questions for me to ask.
 
Hello Bryce12,

Communication is the most important thing in polyamory -- well, second-most important. The most important is knowledge and mutual consent. If you don't consent to this, you shouldn't do it. And maybe it will take some time for you to figure out whether you do consent. But besides time, communication will help you figure out whether you do consent. So do lots of communicating, and I know you will. Also keep reading and posting on this forum, we can help you figure things out (though you of course have the final say). One of the truisms in poly is that seldom can one person be everything for another person. This is why we have polyamory: so that different people can meet different needs. You aren't less of a man, or less of a partner, just because your wife has needs that are not in your wheelhouse. I know it's hard to feel that, but at least you can think it.

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 
Bryce12 said:
I’m a trans-man that hasn’t had any surgeries so I already feel self conscience in my body so hearing these things make me feel like I guess, less of a man? That I can’t give my wife what she wants and deserves. I’m not making her fully happy
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Coming from a poly perspective as well as kink perspective... I'm not trans and cannot speak to that, but many people may feel less than when they cannot fulfill their partner's desires. IMO it has NOTHING to do with gender. We are all individuals with our own likes and dislikes. Please don't let your head take you down an "I'm not man enough" rabbit hole of doom. My cis male partner isn't great at domination either. The little he does I enjoy, but natively, he leans sub and I lean domme. Lucky for us that it works. Many do seek out that thing their partner just feels like they need and it is NOT a reflection on you at all.

When I was starting out, trying to learn and figure out what I was okay with and what I wasn't, what type of ENM I was looking for, one book that I loved was More Than Two. One of the authors has ethical issues (many won't recommend it for that reason) but every chapter has great questions you can discuss with your partner that were very helpful for my partner and me to have discussions about. If I could combine a book for newbies it would be Opening Up with the questions from More Than Two. (Side note: More Than Two is releasing a new version without the author that was problematic, so you can look for the new version.)

Take your time, figure out what the ideal structure would be for each of you and if there's a comfortable place to meet where you'll both be happy.
 
The cousin just moved in with you? For how long?

Because trying to conceive, thinking about changing to polyamory, and dealing with a new roomie... it's a lot of stressful things piled on at once.

Does it HAVE to be all happening right now, at the same time?

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl, I think the OP was just referring to helping the cousin move into their own place, not moving into OP's place.
 
I would like to point out from my kink experience, that
a) the community is very open to people having multiple play partners. This does not automatically have to mean sexual partners. There is a lot of experience floating around, so I always recommend going to live events and talking to people. Some kind of primary-secondary model of polyamory, don't ask, don't tell policies, no-strings-attached relationships and similar arrangements are extremely common.
b) a new partner is always more exciting. It's very, very difficult for most people to maintain a DS dynamics with their live-in partner.

Lastly, regarding your feeling of inadequacy, I'd like to say it's very normal with newcomers to this board. Monogamous men in particular do feel like "less of a man" if they "can't provide everything their partner needs", but sometimes also women feel hurt by "not being enough" for their partner. To an extent, this is part of cultural programming, but I also see it as a part of a genuine monogamy preference.
 
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