Wife wants poly or am I just over reading it?

B

Beefsupreme

New member
Hello all,
I am new on here and am looking for some thought on my situation.

My wife and I have been happily married for about 4 years. We have a pair of 6 month old twins, and our relationship has been strong despite all the adjustments with being new parents. My question is that my wife and her best friend seem to be dropping hints that they would be interested in some sort of poly relationship.

They became good friends about 3 years ago when I had to spend a year living apart from my wife to work. They text and send snapchats on a daily basis. Since I've been back, they've been referring to her (the friend) as our 2nd wife in a kind of joking manner since she has trouble meeting guys. My wife and the friend have both claimed to be bi, but have never displayed any sort of romantic intentions to each other (that I've noticed). The friend has been semi-flirty with me but she tends to have one of those flirty type personalities.

We've kept this "joke" going so far as getting each other husband or wife cards for holidays or birthdays and posting on each other's Facebook as wife or husband (to the confusion of our friends I'm sure). They've even thrown the poly term out there when joking about how the friend should stop dating these guys and stick with me and my wife. We even joke about how my wife and I had twins so that the friend could have one (she can't have kids).

I had never really heard about poly before this and I think I would be ok with it. I'm just unsure if it's just a cute little joke or if it's a serious suggestion to trying out some sort of poly arrangement. Just wondering what others thoughts are. Do normal monogomous couple's joke about having a second wife? Am I being oblivious to the signs or am I over reading the situation? I'm hesitant to bringing it up to my wife unnecessarily as I'm worried she might think that I want to cheat on her with the friend and she's had issues with past boyfriend's cheating on her so she is sensitive to it.

Thanks in advance for your help!
 
I can't answer your real question - presumably you know your wife and her friend better than random internets people do. Is your wife the type to lay down a thick trail of hints and expect you to figure things out? Or is she the straight-forward type who asks for what she wants directly? (For a simple instance, does she get upset if you don't get her something for Valentine's Day, even though she said "Nothing but you honey!" when you asked?)


Beefsupreme said:
Do normal monogomous couple's joke about having a second wife?
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Short answer - Yes! For some people it is safe to "joke" about because it is so far out of the bounds of possibility as to be ridiculous. Sort of like when I text my husband that I am coming home and he texts back, "Great! Just give me a few minutes to send the strippers away!":eek:

For some single women who are friends with (happily) married women the "second wife" joke is along the lines of: "Wouldn't it be simpler if I could have what you have by sharing yours rather than finding another one as good? :D" They don't really want their friend's husband, they want a relationship like the one their friend has, more of a lament on the state of dating in their world. For the wife - the joke is often like the Comedic Line "Take my wife...please!"

I am not saying that close friendships NEVER morph into poly relationships - they do, but what you are describing seems really thin to take very seriously.
 
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Thank you for the insight! My wife can be a little indirect at times as far as when she wants something and I can be pretty oblivious (ex. I suck at gifts). So I really wasn't sure how to interpret what I've been experiencing.

That's very interesting to know that women joke about the second wife thing and it makes sense with how you explained it. Knowing that I'm guessing what I've been experiencing is more of the light-hearted second wife vs some subtle bread crumb trail to a poly relationship.

Thank you again for the response! Looking like I'll stick with monoamory/monogamy (I don't even know the correct term!) for now but I'll probably poke around here on the forums to learn a bit more about the lifestyle.
 
You are quite welcome and welcome also to the forum, certainly learning about how different people experience relationships is not a bad thing. Here's to present and future happiness!

JaneQ
 
Beefsupreme said:
Hello all,
My question is that my wife and her best friend seem to be dropping hints that they would be interested in some sort of poly relationship.

They became good friends about 3 years ago when I had to spend a year living apart from my wife to work. Since I've been back, they've been referring to her (the friend) as our 2nd wife in a kind of joking manner since she has trouble meeting guys. My wife and the friend have both claimed to be bi, but have never displayed any sort of romantic intentions to each other (that I've noticed).

Do normal monogomous couple's joke about having a second wife? Am I being oblivious to the signs or am I over reading the situation? I'm hesitant to bringing it up to my wife unnecessarily as I'm worried she might think that I want to cheat on her with the friend and she's had issues with past boyfriend's cheating on her so she is sensitive to it.
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The short answer is: yes, "normal" mono couples joke about this and related topics frequently, if they share that kind of irreverent sense of humour. It doesn't necessarily mean that's what they really want, or are hinting at wanting to bang each other or each other's husband/wife.

That said, it's not out of the realm of possibility that your wife and her friend MAY be dabbling in thoughts of "experimenting" with their sexuality, or contemplating some kind of triad type relationship.

Due to your uncertainty about the issue AND your wife's sensitivity about cheating partners... I think the "safest" way to bring up the topic is NOT to ask whether she/they are interested in polyamory with YOU, but rather, sound your wife out about HER OWN interest in exploring female/female sexual relationships.

You could ask her - when an opportune moment arises - if she's serious about being bisexual... how she "knows" she's bi... what that means to her, and for your marriage... and if she's ever had any serious desire to explore that side of herself. Ask WITHOUT any expectations concerning the best friend or this particular situation... but out of genuine interest.

She may then open up to you about her feelings, confusion, desires... and that way, hopefully you'll glean a better understanding of where her head is at.

IF it transpires that, yes, she's been having thoughts along these lines (maybe including her best friend in the equation, maybe not), then you can take the discussion from there. Just be prepared for her to deny/reject the notion totally.
 
Oh, and I should add that... your wife and her best friend may have grown exceptionally close - closer than normal - due to several factors, including your living apart for a year (at a time she really needed someone to lean on); the friend's "bad luck" with men; and her inability to have a baby when you and your wife have twins.

And in your wife's case... having one newborn, let alone twins, can cause a woman to feel especially emotionally vulnerable. Wife may have transferred or projected some of her need for closeness and support from you to her best friend, and this may be causing her and/or the friend to believe they have feelings for each other that are more than platonic friendship.

The friend may have some degree of envy about you and your wife's presumably solid, happy marriage, and the fact that you have these beautiful new babies - things she has failed to achieve and may want for herself.

Rather than this being a good basis for entering a polyamorous relationship, I'd say it's a precarious emotional situation. This other woman friend wants what she can't have... and your wife, meanwhile, is sensitive to the idea of a partner cheating because of her own past. Tread carefully IF you decide to discuss this subject.
 
Hello Beefsupreme,

I get the impression (from your description) that your wife (and her friend) may be dropping some hints ... but the only way to know for sure is to ask. I know you are concerned that she might take it the wrong way, so you'll just have to ask carefully, clarifying that you do not wish to cheat. If you decide to ask, of course. Use your own best judgment, I'm just sharing my first impressions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Leave it alone. If you bring the subject up and you're WRONG, you can't unring that bell. The idea will forever be implanted into your wife and her friend's minds. Even if you say that this isn't really your idea, you thought it was what THEY wanted, they will likely hear something completely different.
 
If I were you, and was confused as to whether all this second wife shit is a joke or not, I'd stop participating in the "jokes." Just stop, on your end. No more posts on FB as her "husband," no more sending cards to her (from you and your actual wife I guess?) as her husband and wife... It's just all sounding awkward and sophomoric and weird.

If either of the women ask why you've stopped the har de har har about a second wife, tell them you're uncomfortable with it. Maybe the best friend is using you as a crutch to avoid finding a man and starting a family of her own. Maybe she's using your wife as a way to partially satisfy her bisexual longings to avoid really facing them, or satisfying them. Maybe she really is poly and longs for a triad with you two. But you don't need to continue to be her crutch or the butt of jokes. You don't need to participate in all this play-acting if it's making you uncomfortable.

If you refuse to stop playing along, maybe the truth will come out. If either of them get mad at YOU for going along with, then stopping to join in on, the so-called "joke," that's on them for taking it all too far.
 
IMO, the problem is that "jokes" so often tend to be passive aggressive, sometimes a way of needling someone under the guise of "innocent fun," sometimes a means to push responsibility for one's fantasy onto someone else. So, I'd agree that it should be explicitly halted.

Polyamory requires communication -- clear, open, honest, explicit, immediate -- & certainly any nonmonogamy (any relationship form, really) will benefit from being blunt.

In this instance, having a hard discussion might help clarify how much actual interest underlies the (now somewhat ragged) "joke." The result could well be that one or more of you realizes you're a step away from an ill-advised "accident" that damages your friendship(s) & possibly your marriage.

Beefsupreme, you say you've been married for four years. How long have you actually been a couple? How long have you known each other?
 
Wowza. Quite a bit more responses than I expected. Thank you everyone for your feedback and advice. It's always helpful to hear different viewpoints. With that said, I do have a few responses:

Luna, I really like some of the things you bring up. I think bringing up the bisexual thing could be a very natural opener and transition into further discussion, and doesn't have the negative repercussions that diving straight into a poly discussion might entail. I think I might try that should the right opportunity arises. You also bring up good points on my wife and her friends relationship. It really started and flourished when I was working out of town. I would also agree that the friend probably does have some baby envy considering her own inability to have children. When we were initially pregnant, the friend was super stoked about it and wanted to be super involved but after they were born it never really came to fruition. She plays with the kids and visits occasionally, but she was definitely more excited about it when we were pregnant. Not sure if something changed with the babies being born or what but it is a bit odd.

Magdlyn, the whole 2nd wife thing is definitely weird and the fact that it's an ongoing thing vs a one time joke is what is confusing me. I haven't been a big part of participating either so not sure why it continues.

Raven, we dated for 2 years prior and knew each other for 1 year before that.
 
the whole 2nd wife thing is definitely weird and the fact that it's an ongoing thing vs a one time joke is what is confusing me. I haven't been a big part of participating either so not sure why it continues.
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If it is weird for you? Could inform your wife and ask her to please stop joking like that.

"Wife, could you please be willing to stop with these joke things with your friend like she's our second wife? It's stopped being "cute" or "funny" to me. Now it just feels weird to me.

If you want to talk to me about bi/poly stuff, actually TALK to me about bi/poly stuff."

Galagirl
 
lunabunny said:
... having one newborn, let alone twins, can cause a woman to feel especially emotionally vulnerable.
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This quote amuses me, for I have twins and twins do not cause emotional vulnerability. They cause sleep deprivation.

Granted, I have no idea if their twins are screaming in stereo but mine drove me into the closet (safe to leave baby in crib said my support group) to cry about the lack of sleep and a desire to avoid hurting the children in response to the shrill noises.
 
Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
... having one newborn, let alone twins, can cause a woman to feel especially emotionally vulnerable.


Sageflutterby said:
This quote amuses me, for I have twins and twins do not cause emotional vulnerability. They cause sleep deprivation.

Granted, I have no idea if their twins are screaming in stereo but mine drove me into the closet (safe to leave baby in crib said my support group) to cry about the lack of sleep and a desire to avoid hurting the children in response to the shrill noises.
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^ Pregnancy, and the newborn/post-partum phase, leaves many women feeling emotionally vulnerable due to fluctuating hormone levels, increased feelings of responsibility and protectiveness, and physical discomfort including, yes, sometimes extreme fatigue... is all I meant.

I had two children in quick succession, complete with a severe bout of PPD for which I had to be hospitalised, and my best friend had twins born prematurely, so perhaps I am generalising somewhat. In any case, I didn't mean twin births "cause" one to become emotionally vulnerable, per se... more that new motherhood does for the majority.
 
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