Will you be my husband's girlfriend??

openbj

openbj

New member
Okay, so how on earth do you even approach someone about being your husband's girlfriend? The person we want, Ariel, has been a friend for two years now. She and my husband Eric had an affair last year. They really do love each other. But I ruined it for all of us at the time. I didn't even know that poly was an option. Some of that brainwashing I've had to work through. We are all three still friends. I love Ariel like a sister, even after everything we went through last year.

Eric and I have decided to go poly. His love for her is still strong, so he has asked if Ariel could his significant other. I have agreed. I was actually going to suggest it myself. We love Ariel's kids, she loves our kids, our kids all love each other, etc. Eric has asked that I be the one to talk to her because of everything last year, so that way she's more comfortable for her, knowing that I'm in agreement, and it's not just him trying to have another affair. Even during their affair, she would tell Eric, "This can't destroy your marriage. You love your wife too much and she loves you too much. You can just consider me a friends with benefits relationship."

Now, I do believe that Eric and I are ready to move forward with her. This would be a V with him as the hinge, and Ariel and me as best friends (like we are now). I'm just not sure how to break the ice with her and get things moving in that direction. We are looking at this as long term, possibly forever. We really can see us with her like this for that long.

Tips? Ice breakers? Conversation starters? I really need help here.
 
I should also add that Eric just got a couple of job offers. Both jobs would move us, either within our current state (OK) or to NM.

Ariel lives in TX. We moved from there to OK a year ago. The affair started over the phone, as we expressed our loss over losing our closeness in proximity and constant contact.

Ariel expressed to me the other day that jobs aren't working out for her where she's at, so she is considering moving to her mom's until she gets on her feet. We would, of course, want her in the same town as us, so that Ariel and Eric could see each other more, and she and I could spend time together as well (as friends) and the kids could play together.

Our initial idea, if Ariel is open to being Eric's significant other, is to move her with us, until she finds a job and a place of her own to settle into. That's how serious we are about this commitment. This was my idea, so yes, I'm perfectly fine with it. Eric's new job would be able to provide for all of us until she gets on her feet. So, no worries there.
 
How about something like:

"Ariel, I hope you know I love you like a sister. And Eric has never stopped loving you. We want you to know that, after much discussion and consideration, we've decided to open up our marriage. In other words, we are now non-monogamous.​
​
I'm telling you this because, if you still feel the same way you did for Eric, you both have my blessing to resume your relationship. I know he would want that very much, and you should know that I have worked on and gotten past all the issues that made it difficult for me when it was an affair between you two. What we both want now is for it all to be out in the open and honest. In fact, we've even discussed the possibility of asking you to relocate to be nearer to us. That's how serious we are about this.​
​
I know this must come as a shock, but it is real, and Eric and I both want you to seriously consider this, and to come to us with any questions you might have."​

You could write it too, if you think you would have a hard time speaking to her.
 
nycindie said:
How about something like:

"Ariel, I hope you know I love you like a sister. Eric has never stopped loving you. We want you to know that, after much discussion and consideration, we've decided to open up our marriage. In other words, we are now non-monogamous.​
​
I'm telling you this because, if you still feel the same way you did for Eric, you both have my blessing to resume your relationship... Eric and I both want you to seriously consider this, and to come to us with any questions you might have."​
Click to expand...

Eric and I LOVE this! He was very impressed, as was I.
 
Eric works 10pm-7am, so I'm left at home alone with the kids sleeping. Ariel usually gets off work around 10pm and is then home alone with her kids sleeping. So we chat on FB nearly every night.

Eric broke the ice a little bit this afternoon with a text he sent her that basically said, he values their friendship, has always enjoyed talking with her and hanging out with her, that he's sorry for how things went down, and that he regrets that they haven't talked more since. (They've talked, but it's all been kept really shallow and basic to "protect" themselves and me.)

We have both decided that if, during my chat with Ariel tonight, the conversation starts heading in this direction, I will talk to her. I've already told her that Eric read the text to me when I got home from work this afternoon, and that I'm not upset, hurt, or anything of the sort by it, that all is well and she is free to talk to him. So, hopefully this will help get love in the air. I just really hope that I didn't hurt her to the point that she's not interested anymore. :(
 
Best of luck!

I'd suggest that part of the strength of NYCindie's suggestion is that the whole thing is spelled out in one piece. Text might disperse that some. You may consider sending NYCindie's formal invite as an email and using texting for discussion of the email.

*fingers crossed and big hugs*
 
If our conversation goes in this direction tonight, then I plan on calling her. Eric prefers talking over typing in any form, because he feels that typing is too impersonal for such a matter as this. I would really prefer to just go see her and talk to her, but that just isn't possible with us living so far apart right now.

Hubby just took off for work and Ariel isn't working tonight. She just called me to let me know that she just needs to get home, bathe the angels and put them to bed, then she'll be ready for our nightly chatting session.

I'm still waiting for my angels to get home. They went to a woodworkers' meeting with their grandpa tonight, something they do together once a month that they really enjoy.

We have two boys, ages 12 and 9. Ariel has 3 angels (2 girls, one boy) ranging from 2-5. All 5 of the angels are just the most precious ever and the light of all of our eyes. Ariel's youngest (the boy) actually just got hurt the other day. The first thing Ariel did was text me to let me know, and then she passed along hugs and kisses from me to him. :)
 
Eeeeek!! I'm a nervous wreck. We just started chatting. Guess the angels gave her a hard time going to bed lol.
 
It did not go well. She ended with, "I can't even hear you right now. I'm just getting angry and disgusted. I'll talk to you tomorrow." She's having a really hard time believing that poly is biblical. I'm drawing a blank right now. I busted out all of my Bible references and research that I could for now. I guess she just needs to chew on things.
 
Hmm. Perhaps the affair is something she has such shame about that she wants to forget the whole thing, and just continue the friendship. Maybe she feels that she has worked hard to make up for it and this kind of proposal has brought it to the surface again. It could be that she thinks putting herself in that position will give her a reason to feel like she is a bad person, or doing wrong again. Maybe the next step is for Eric to talk to her.
 
openbj said:
She's having a really hard time believing that poly is biblical.
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I'm curious where this aproach came from? I'm not judging it, but I think this is the first time someone has used the Bible to try to explain poly to someone.

My advice is to back off as far as possible and do just like you said: let her chew on it.

I still struggle with the idea and benefit of poly over affairs. I know how destructive affairs can be, but I also know that the idea of poly is an even more shocking concept to most people, outside of the poly community, that is.

Give her time...
 
I'm wondering about the little angels' daddy. Where is he in all this? Is he going to be ok with the idea of her moving to a new state to live polyamorously? Her kids being so young is what prompted my question.

I'm sorry she reacted with disgust, but maybe she will have some time to process and start to see the positives.
 
Hi BJ,

Although I also like what NYCindie laid out, from experience I might approach this in a less formal manner. Because polyamory is so little understood, it can actually become a block at first. I've found it's better to let people come to such labels on their own.

My wife and I have been in this exact position, and I've seen it a number of times in others.

What we found worked for us was to simply acknowledge the previous relationship, express the lack of understanding and how to cope/deal, and to explain that it's finally clear. Nothing more.

Your explanation of now understanding how everyone's happiness is increased by it and that no harm is coming from it is enough. You give your blessing/consent and look forward to sharing in that happiness with both of them yourself. It's simple enough.

"I love you both. I'm happy if I can help make you both happy too."

GS
 
GroundedSpirit said:
Although I also like what NYC laid out, from experience I might approach it in a less formal manner.
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We don't know if she used my words, which were just a loose suggestion based on what she wrote here.

I think getting into taking about the Bible may have complicated the discussion.
 
nycindie said:
I think getting into taking about the Bible may have complicated the discussion.
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My own research inquiry aside, NYCindie is likely correct. Space is good for right now. As you reconnect, you can come form a place of love and forgiveness (both vital to Christianity, relationships in general, and polyamory in particular).
 
sagency said:
I'm actually really curious to hear more about your research and examples if you wouldn't mind sharing.

Thanks. :)
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We have a thread on it here, called Polyamory and Christianity (although it has recently devolved into people defending pedophile priests being victims in some sort of conspiracy of liars making up the child rapes to get money from the Church. :eek: :rolleyes: )

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2797
 
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