Witnessing toxicity in Partner's relationship with Nesting partner

G

glowinthedarkstars

New member
Hi everyone,

I am in a situation where my partner, Dave, lives with and is married to Mia. Mia dates Tom, and has gotten serious with him over the past year. (During that same time frame, Dave has gotten closer to me.) Until recently, I didn't realize how iffy Dave's relationship with Mia has become.

Mia and Dave have mostly a friend/roommate/business-partner type relationship. Even though they are married, it is nonsexual and nonromantic at this point.

Dave has some really big issues with Mia's boyfriend, Ted, and how Mia and Ted interact with each other, perceiving it as highly toxic. It's driving Dave and Mia further and further apart. On top of that, he is seeing changes in Mia's personality that he really doesn't like and it is affecting him big time. He's been depressed and doesn't like how he is being treated.

In turn, I am seeing Dave be treated in a way that I don't like. It makes me want to protect him and be there for him. At the same time, I have to respect his path. I am more monogamous-minded, so I am trying to be mindful that I do not try to sway Dave in any which way for my emotional needs, but rather encourage him to listen to and honor his feelings. A big issue is that Mia is very dominant and I see Dave suppress himself and his feelings around Mia. It makes me upset because I want Dave to stand up for himself.

I never had any personal issues with Mia or Ted. I know them very casually and like them. But I feel very upset that one toxic relationship is turning another relationship toxic, and then it drips down to me.

I spent most of last night lying awake, feeling like I was in a fight, or in trouble, and very anxious, partially because I am worried for Dave, but also because I just feel like I have bad programming that causes me to blame myself for things that really aren't my fault. I am working on that in therapy.

I am wondering if anyone has been in a situation like this. At some point, I will not be able to watch Dave in what looks like an emotionally abusive relationship. He is very focused on the abusive nature of his wife's relationship with Ted, and of course, I am more focused on his with Mia. Having said that, last night I told him he could come over if he needed a safe space, or call if he needed to talk. I felt like that was a good way to offer support.

What other ways can I offer support, but also maintain my health and happiness? I hate seeing him so miserable. I want to see him happy. I also feel like I am not equipped for the emotional toll this is taking on me. What kind of boundaries can I set for myself?

Thanks so much!
 
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There are 3 sides to every story, in this case, Dave's, Mia's and the truth.

That said, you need to put yourself and your mental health first.

Frankly, Dave is being a sloppy hinge. He needs to handle his own business and not drag you into a mess that is not your own.

Personally, I would tell him he needs to seek outside counseling, with and without Mia, and stop using you as a sounding board. It is not good for your mental health. Besides, it isn't your circus or your monkeys.

If this situation were to continue, honestly, I would speak with my feet. Life is far too short to be this stressed out and miserable.
 
Comfort in, kvetch out.

You could validate that Dave feeling bad as a result of Mia treating him poorly is reasonable to feel. Nobody likes being dumped on.

Then you could only offer what you can actually do without dinging your own mental health-- walk the dog, make a meal, pick up the dry cleaning, etc. Do the jobs you feel ok doing.

You could encourage him to vent to someone outside the system. You do not have to do ALL the jobs.

It's ok to acknowledge your limitations and enforce your boundaries to protect your own mental health. It is ok for you to say, "I know you need to talk. I don't like how you are being treated, either. But I'm just not the right person for the listening job. I'm too close to this. I cannot be an impartial listener. You can rely on me for jobs like ______. Not this job. Not at this time. I need space/time for my own self care in all this."

He has to figure out if he wants to keep trying with Mia, or part ways, or what. You cannot figure that out for him. You could tell him to look at resources like speakoutloud if he's dealing with abuse.

You could encourage Dave to ask for help from others.

You can be a part of his support team, but you cannot be the WHOLE team. But if he's hell-bent on making you be his life raft, the ONLY person on the team, you may have to step away so you don't get dragged under. It's ok to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do things that hurt me."

It's a tough spot to be in.

Galagirl
 
glowinthedarkstars said:
Dave is very focused on the abusive nature of Mia and Ted's relationship. I am more focused on Dave's and Mia's.
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You have just second-hand stories about Ted, and only one side of the story about Dave and Mia, so I suggest you don't focus too much on either. Focus on your relationship with Dave. Try to keep that one happy, healthy and functional. Seems like the best help to me...

As others have said, encourage Dave to seek out counselling for his depression.
 
Hi Glow,

It seems to me that hearing about the D-M-T situation is stressing you out. Maybe you can hear about some of it, but not this much. Keep in mind that D is in charge of his own life and relationships, he is free to leave M if that's what he needs to do. Likewise, M is free to leave T if that's what she needs to do. Nobody else can force her to do it, and no one else can figure that out for her. Likewise, D needs to figure things out for himself, you can't do that for him.

It's fine to help D as much as you reasonably can, just make sure you take care of yourself as well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Glow,

It seems to me that hearing about the D-M-T situation is stressing you out. Maybe you can hear about some of it, but not this much. Keep in mind that D is in charge of his own life and relationships, he is free to leave M if that's what he needs to do. Likewise, M is free to leave T if that's what she needs to do. Nobody else can force her to do it, and no one else can figure that out for her. Likewise, D needs to figure things out for himself, you can't do that for him.

It's fine to help D as much as you reasonably can, just make sure you take care of yourself as well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Absolutely thank you so much
 
Update is that D and M talked about their most recent fight, or rather M talked and D didn't do any talking. I told him that worries me but I understand its his relationship to navigate. I also encouraged professional counseling and told him that I support him no matter what (if it means closing his relationship with her or parting ways)
 
I don't like dating people whose primary nesting relationship is so messed up. It doesn't sound like they are mentally/emotionally healthy enough to do poly properly (not that anyone's perfect but...). And you're stepping in like kinda white knighting "poor D?" Is that what you do in life, a pattern for you? Taking on the emotional management for others? "It must be my fault somehow, I better fix it." Was that how you grew up, with battling parents, and you were stuck in the middle?

And D is supposed to be your Daddy, your protector? But you feel protective of him...

And on top of his sketchy relationship with his wife, he's dating you and how many other "littles?"
 
My first thoughts were pretty much as Magdlyn said.

Yes, it's very difficult to watch a good person slog through a difficult situation.

...however, a good person would not drag someone into that sort of morass.

You CANNOT somehow "fix" another person.
 
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