perpetually.concerned
New member
I've been solo poly for a while, only dating unpartnered people. This was my first time dating someone partnered. They had been married for 5 years. I dated him (Paul) for about 4 months, and during that time he initiated and went back on his third divorce attempt. We ended explosively when I told him I was worried he was being emotionally abused. I posted about this on reddit and everyone was convinced that Paul was the abusive partner. His wife is poly under duress, which I know is NOT ok. But through conversations I had with her one on one and things he said about her, she exhibits classic signs of abuse like grandiose self opinion, lacking of accepting any blame and blame shifting, narrative of 100% victimization, fixation on seeking an idealized relationship, frequently pushing long arguments, boundary violations, and explicitly stated need for control. I dated a narcissist for 3 months and am aware of the way they express blame. Paul was much more inine with the low self-esteem of a victim.
I made a lot of mistakes along the way in not setting my own boundaries bc I was curious about their relationship. On our first date, maybe 6 hours in, he asked if his wife (Claire) could say hi, and I said yes. She proceeded to question me about my poly identity for about 2 hours, eventually crying and saying she didn't feel like Paul cared about her needs. Paul looked completely frozen and dissociative this whole time. She told me Paul didn't want polyamory until he started messaging me. When she left, Paul told me that wasn't true and looked pained.
I hung out with her one on one a couple of weeks in (too soon). We talked about ADHD, and she said she always felt she had that. I don't remember what I prompted, but she ended up telling me in detail about her frustrations with their sex life and about how she dropped out of college her last semester to come be with him because he was anxious. And that in part she blamed her parents for sheltering her so much for that. I told this to Paul later when he was being hard on himself about ruining her life (the week of his divorce), and he told me that she had never told him that she blamed anyone but Paul. He also told me that Claire said I thought she had ADHD and denied self claiming it. I found it very disturbing that she told me things she hadn't told him. Later on, she told me I had insisted on meeting one and one and had pushed her into sharing details of her life that I later used against her.
Another thing that is deeply concerning to me is that she is doing MDMA therapy with an unlicensed practitioner. And that person is dating one of Paul's longest term friends. I met the 'therapist' at a pool party one time, and she was extremely cold towards me.
I just don't know how to stop being worried about him and them. I don't think any of their friends understand what's happening in their relationship. She only has one friend as far as I'm aware. And he's not very open about their marriage which he says is because she likes privacy and only wants him to talk about things with a therapist. They were in couples therapy for a while which Paul said didn't help and that they spent months just trying to get Claire to admit that a business venture she was pursuing (buying and reselling purses) was not actually something she was doing and that she just liked buying purses. I think Paul is jaded from therapy because of that experience.
After I told him I was worried about abuse, he told me I didn't know what I was talking about and that he knows his wife way better than I do. I had asked him on multiple occasions to tell me positive things about her because I was aware I was developing a negative bias, and he literally told me he wouldn't because he didn't want to get roped back into being optimistic.
I know he was a bad hinge and that poly under duress is bad. I've never felt as aligned with someone on a level of neurodivergence traits, ideals, and fixation on sexuality exploration. I want to internalize that he's an adult and can take care of himself. I just don't think anyone in his life sees what a hard time he's having. He told me not to contact him anymore and he didn't have anything else to say to me. I know this is rambly and confusing.. I just want to know- I can't do anything else right? Trying to give him resources about narcissistic partner abuse or offering myself as a safe person are all just going to be further ammo if he is being abused?
I made a lot of mistakes along the way in not setting my own boundaries bc I was curious about their relationship. On our first date, maybe 6 hours in, he asked if his wife (Claire) could say hi, and I said yes. She proceeded to question me about my poly identity for about 2 hours, eventually crying and saying she didn't feel like Paul cared about her needs. Paul looked completely frozen and dissociative this whole time. She told me Paul didn't want polyamory until he started messaging me. When she left, Paul told me that wasn't true and looked pained.
I hung out with her one on one a couple of weeks in (too soon). We talked about ADHD, and she said she always felt she had that. I don't remember what I prompted, but she ended up telling me in detail about her frustrations with their sex life and about how she dropped out of college her last semester to come be with him because he was anxious. And that in part she blamed her parents for sheltering her so much for that. I told this to Paul later when he was being hard on himself about ruining her life (the week of his divorce), and he told me that she had never told him that she blamed anyone but Paul. He also told me that Claire said I thought she had ADHD and denied self claiming it. I found it very disturbing that she told me things she hadn't told him. Later on, she told me I had insisted on meeting one and one and had pushed her into sharing details of her life that I later used against her.
Another thing that is deeply concerning to me is that she is doing MDMA therapy with an unlicensed practitioner. And that person is dating one of Paul's longest term friends. I met the 'therapist' at a pool party one time, and she was extremely cold towards me.
I just don't know how to stop being worried about him and them. I don't think any of their friends understand what's happening in their relationship. She only has one friend as far as I'm aware. And he's not very open about their marriage which he says is because she likes privacy and only wants him to talk about things with a therapist. They were in couples therapy for a while which Paul said didn't help and that they spent months just trying to get Claire to admit that a business venture she was pursuing (buying and reselling purses) was not actually something she was doing and that she just liked buying purses. I think Paul is jaded from therapy because of that experience.
After I told him I was worried about abuse, he told me I didn't know what I was talking about and that he knows his wife way better than I do. I had asked him on multiple occasions to tell me positive things about her because I was aware I was developing a negative bias, and he literally told me he wouldn't because he didn't want to get roped back into being optimistic.
I know he was a bad hinge and that poly under duress is bad. I've never felt as aligned with someone on a level of neurodivergence traits, ideals, and fixation on sexuality exploration. I want to internalize that he's an adult and can take care of himself. I just don't think anyone in his life sees what a hard time he's having. He told me not to contact him anymore and he didn't have anything else to say to me. I know this is rambly and confusing.. I just want to know- I can't do anything else right? Trying to give him resources about narcissistic partner abuse or offering myself as a safe person are all just going to be further ammo if he is being abused?
I am so woo!! Haha. I'm getting my Ph.D. in chemistry but believing in past lives and simultaneous lives is about the only way I've come to make sense of many of my experiences. There are so many people I've felt very deeply about very quickly. I like to mentalize it as - these are people who I have past lives with, and I can let it be transient in this one, because I was lucky enough to get a little glimpse of the happiness I have in another life.