You must be this experienced to ride this ride.

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Orlandobif

Member
A gal I've known for about a year recently made it known she was interested in dating. We've chatted many times at various local poly events and I've had her husband over for dinner last summer. I'm quite fond of her. Everything she has said until recently was that she was straight but that she's had a crush or two on women so essentially her interest in women is very new. I've been bisexual and poly for 27 years. I am sexually confident and free, spent most of my life with women (35 years) and kink leaning.

I have enough experience with women both in relationships and casual to know that women who have never been with women, are insecure, fearful or engaging casually for reasons other than they want that experience (bi for the boy for example) does not result in a good experience for me. I end up in a teacher role or I have to pay a lot of attention to their emotional needs at the expense of my own.

I am curious to know if others have declined a flirtation because that person wasn't experienced enough in what you needed. What did you need?
 
Interesting.:rolleyes: I have ID's as poly for around 30 years and bisexual for about 25 and my experience has been very different. I prefer to be with women who identify as "bi-curious" - they have less expectations as to how things are "supposed" to go - so whatever happens is fine (lesbians scare me - they seem to have a script that I don't know about that I am failing to follow). Part of it, I think, is that I am never "looking for" a romantic relationship, I am never disappointed if one doesn't happen.
 
It's not like the few women I've had relationships with were that different than having a relationship with a man, really. People is people, after all, and relationshipping is basically the same: trust, communication, blah blah blah. Sex things are a bit different, but that varies from person to person too so it's never felt that big of a deal to me- or to my partners, I suppose. No one's mentioned it, anyways! Though, in all honesty, the first woman I was with was just as naive as I was, so we kind of just bumbled our way around :p

I have to admit that I am... hesitant... to date anyone who doesn't have some kind of relationship/sex experience behind them. I had two terrible experiences back to back with men who had little or no experience (clingy, needy, suffocating, ugh) and now I'm gun-shy. I did end those relationships pretty quick, but in retrospect it wasn't because of lack of skill in any particular area but due to a general lack of skill in all areas plus troubling behaviour patterns (the clinginess, for example, does not mesh well with my rather rabid need for independence). Man or woman, I like someone I can talk sex with, who is comfortable in their skin and what they like, and comfortable experimenting. Plus, since I like a bit of teeth and dominance with my sex, that doesn't mesh well with newbies in my experience.

I don't think lack of experience would be a utter deal breaker for me, though- if the person was great, and was still able to communicate about sex the way I like to, then I feel like that could be a surmountable issue. It would be a consideration if there were other warning flags, however. However, since most of my partners are older than me, I would be curious as to how someone could live 35-40 years without building up some kind of resume :p
 
You're definitely not alone in this. The majority of lesbians and many bi women in my area won't date a woman who hasn't had experience dating other women. They also shy away from women who are in a primary relationship with a man because of unicorn hunting.

I'm like Jane. I prefer less experienced women and women who are already in a committed relationship because I was looking for a fwb, not a romantic relationship.
 
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Expectations

These days, if I find myself having a sweeping opinion about a whole classification of person ("poly newbie", "married but open", "bi-sexual") I try to remind myself to check my expectations. Since I don't want any one particular thing from a person other than what they naturally are prone to giving me, pretty much all of my expectations are irrelevant and just getting in the way.

I try to approach each association as a unique little snowflake. As long as it feels good and isn't obviously unhealthy for me in some way, I try to just let it be what it is. This is easier said than done sometimes because I am prone to this 'classification' sickness just like everyone else, but it's my goal post.
 
Additionally, the whole idea that people who are more experienced at a thing are necessarily closer to how I function has been proven false far too many times. I have met a wealth of examples of 'experienced' people who function in a way that I find *bonkers*.

It's a lot easier for me to find out if my approach is going to line up with someone elses by just finding out what their approach is and going from there.
 
I look for people who seem to have the emotional intelligence to handle being with me. (And that sounds awful, like I'm a handful! I am but that's not where I am going with this.) It can be hard to experience a first same-sex encounter, even if a romantic relationship is not on the table. It can be hard to experience poly relationships. I try to connect with folks who work to be self-aware, who can figure out what they are feeling and why and can tell me what's going on with them, and who can listen to me in return. These characteristics do not always correlate with experience. Often they do but not always. I've run across plenty of people with experience who seem not to have learned a damned thing. Experience is helpful but i see emotional self-awareness as being more critical.

So if an inexperienced woman wanted to experiment with me, I might be willing, depending on how emotionally capable she seemed. Ditto with a woman who is partnered with a man (and his capability would be taken into account too).
 
I don't thing that experience or inexperience is anywhere near as important as personality.

So I have only had a few experiences with women. Most of them have been threesomes and have revolved more around the women pleasing the man, not directing much dedicated attention at one another. I have only had a few girlfriends in my life, two of them were ages ago when I was a teenager. Out of those two, one of them was so not shy about anything ever and we were both pretty aggressive together, and towards others. We liked to "go hunting" and treated boys like conquests. The other had a sub to my Domme energy fit, and it just naturally worked that way for us.

Fast forward a couple decades and I'm trying to figure out how to be in a quad, with another woman...and it was hard! I wanted her, but for some reason, maybe just how my head was programmed after mono marriage life, I felt drawn to serve the needs of the men and had a hard time initiating things between me and her. Both of us felt shy and hesitant about it. There was no initiating energy to propel things forward.

And that's what I think of, when you talk about women who are too new to it. But it could be just as easily personality or circumstance, I don't know.

But when it comes to men...I absolutely love virgin men, always did. I feel like "experienced" men come with preconceived things that they learned with other women, which often don't work on me. Also, there is this whole "corrupting the innocent" thing that is too wicked. I dig it. And the worst partner of my life was a guy who bragged about having had lots of women partners, but man he was awful. I should have asked how many tried to get him back in bed a second time. If a guy has had tons of one night stands, there's a good chance his "experience" doesn't make him a better lover.
 
FeatherFool said:
However, since most of my partners are older than me, I would be curious as to how someone could live 35-40 years without building up some kind of resume :p
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I had a crush on a guy like that :) He said he probably suppressed feelings for most of his life and then he just fell in love at 35 and it turned his world upside down - but he wasn't unaware of feelings when I met him. It didn't continue for perhaps other reasons, but I must admit his lack of experience put me off somewhat. Not necessarily in bed, he did seem to have some natural talents, but in communication. There were just these... little hangups. Otherwise a pretty cool guy, just even bigger age difference than with Idealist.
 
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As far as I can remember, I only declined a flirtation one time, way back when I was married, monogamous, and very religious. I was also very inexperienced and didn't realize at the time that it was a flirtation I was declining.
 
My previous relationship I was the "bi-curious" one. She had experience and I had none. It took me all of about 1 kiss to figure out I wasn't just curious. So I am thankful she was willing to take on someone with no experience, but she also wasn't exactly teaching me anything sexually since I pretty much applied what I know about myself and what I have heard other women day they like to her. Now, I'm in a something, don't ask what because I honestly don't know at this point, with someone that started as bi-curious. I wouldn't say she is exactly curious anymore, but actually quite enjoys receiving from me. There are things she hasn't tried though. However, it does not bother me. She has an amazing personality and we just mesh well together in every day life. For me her inexperience isn't a turn off and maybe in the process of slowly gaining experience she and I can grow closer.
 
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i recently got in touch with the first woman I had sex with. She said she had no idea I was new to this. I had contacted her to thank her for her time with me, as it was a catalyst for me.

But I personally do not mind dating women who are bi-curious or unsure. It helps them to figure it out, and I'm quite picky on who i'd date long term anyway. I like to meet women out and about and see where it goes naturally. Also any bi-curious woman usually ends up remaining friends because we don't have sex, maybe just kisses and cuddles while they figure it out. Which is fine by me.

I am a lot more assertive now on approaching men or women I fancy, though I did go on a date once with a woman who wouldn't date me because of being bi. I said well you saw it on my profile? :confused:

The man I was on and off with for 2 years, also didn't have much experience. I quite preferred it in some ways because I could say, I like this not that...and he didn't have any hang-ups or preconceived ideas about what a bi-woman should be like. :) Some cultures and backgrounds actively discourage sexual identity and freedom. In his hindu/indian background this was the case, and was very much "policed" by all his social network- even in busy city and living on his own.

I'd have more issue with a person who'd want to actively hide me, as in not comfortable with being out as bi/lesbian and ok with me being poly...or able to kiss on dates etc. Than I would be with dating someone without experience. Authenticity is #1 importance to me.
 
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