Your experiences

Hello community,
I am registered today on this forum cause thinking about polyamory for a long time since I first heart about that relationship concept. I am interested about your opinions on my introduction and situation.

I am 26 years old man in monogamous relationship. This is my second long relationship. I was full of energy, like playing music, riding on skateboard and enjoying infinity possible emotions and characters around me. I really loved going to unknow, out of my confort zone to feel that stress and excitement of something new. I am introvert but that thought of infinity world got me power to met new people and makes my world more infinity, beautiful and full of energy. Now I am 4.5 years in relationship and feel totally apathetically like a zombie, I feel nothing and a lot of time just looking paralized on the wall or cry if nobody is around me. I observed similar symptoms during the first long relationship. Another thing is now i have good girlfriend which is enough only my love (i think this is beautiful) and she hurts when see me like that.

I am trying exercise, breathing exercise, going to cold water every morning and trying new thing like climbing , singing, yoga... but this getting me out of that fucking state just for some time I feel the solve of my problem is some bigger life choice.

What do you think about that?
Was somebody in similar situation ?
If yes what helps you ?
Can be polyamory relationship right decision for me ?
If yeas how to tell that to girlfriend in a considerate manner to harm her as little as possible ?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Whether you are mono or poly, the first few months, say, 6-24 months, of a relationship are an infatuation phase. This is called New Relationship Energy in the poly world. This is an actual hormonal state designed to make you bond with a new partner, so nature can take its course and cause a baby to be conceived and born. Of course, nowadays we don't want to have babies right away. But our hormones and unconscious parts of our brains don't know this.

In this phase we are discovering the unknown of a person. We put our best foot forward. We idealize our partner. We go on romantic dates. We usually are very excited to touch each other and have lots of sex. We do acts of service, give gifts, we may write flowery poems, etc., etc.

Unless you are long-term compatible, your interest in your partner can wane over time. Smart couples do things to keep the excitement alive, such as going on fun dates, trying new things together, making a priority of special couple time, instead of just being in the rut of work, dinner, household chores, bed.

You say there is love between you and your gf, but are you dating her? Or just in that rut?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Dying_inspiration,

Tell your girlfriend, something like, "Honey, I have been thinking a lot about polyamory lately, and I think it might be something I want to try. Can we talk about that?" Then, gently follow wherever the conversation leads. If she says, "What the heck is polyamory?" then you can say, "It's a kind of ethical nonmonogamy."

Just some ideas.
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for airing out.

Now I am 4.5 years in relationship and feel totally apathetically like a zombie, I feel nothing and a lot of time just looking paralized on the wall or cry if nobody is around me.

If this is not something like medical depression?

I could be wrong... but it sounds like you aren't happy in this relationship and are just going through the motions. So you could STOP being here.

You wrote a lot about being excited about meeting new people in the past and how being here? Kinda fizzled out like your first relationship did.

Is it that you want short term relationships? Serial monogamy? Because seeking "the new" is the thing for you?

Or is it that you want polyamory? Dating more than one partner? What happens when the poly partners get on in years too? Will it be back here at this place all over again? Only instead of dealing with one established partner you are no longer happy with, it's several established partners you aren't happy with?

You mentioned this is only your 2nd serious relationship. Is it lack of experience with break ups? And not knowing how to break up sooner/faster so it does not end up dragging on? And in that dragging on you get depressed still being here? Like you like/love the partner and don't want to hurt them, but feel trapped. But say nothing and you end up here hurting yourself?

It's ok to be 26 and figuring out what you want. But I encourage you to think it out. Get on with figuring yourself out and what you want in life.

Can be polyamory relationship right decision for me ?

Only you can answer that. Have you done any reading on it? Or are you thinking it could be the solution to your problems so you can avoid the break up AND go seek new people?

Do you want short term relationships with a limit so you can end them nicely and then move on? Because some people enjoy that.

Do you want polyamory? Open relationships? Some other open model? Something else?

If it's that you are bored/unhappy in this relationship? If you know that she's strictly monogamous already? It might be kinder to just end it now than take the long way around "trying poly" only to end up splitting up anyway.

If you are not sure where she stands? You have to ask her.

If yeas how to tell that to girlfriend in a considerate manner to harm her as little as possible ?

I think you just tell her what you want to say calmly and kindly. Blue just to visually block it off.

"I need to make you aware. I care about you a lot. But I'm not happy in this monogamous relationship any more. I want to explore new relationships and I am curious about trying polyamory. It's been hard to bring up because I know you might not want that, which is ok. Each person can want what they want.

I'd like to know where you stand. And if this means we want different things and are growing in different directions... then I'd like for the last loving act we do together to be breaking up politely with some dignity and grace if you are willing."


Then let the chips fall where they fall. Speak your truth.

That's considerate enough, and doesn't drag things on some more. After all.... if you cannot speak your truth to your partner why are they your partner in the first place?

I hope you choose to be up front and honest with your GF about what's going with you. And whatever her answer and however it pans out...

I hope things get better for you over time so you can stop feeling like "an apathetic zombie. " That sounds really rough. :(

Galagirl
 
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consciousspirit

New member
I have experienced something similar, though the root cause could be different than my experience. For me, I found that I wasn't showing up enough in my life, wasn't able to be present. I wasn't choosing the things that could truly make me feel happy or content. I was going through the motions, trying new things but I felt dissatisfied with how I shaped my life and my relationship. I couldn't find any peace.

It helped me to be really honest with myself about what I want, what I need, and how I felt inside- what is good for my soul. Once I explored these things internally, through writing and talking with people that I trusted, I was able to then share with my partner.

I find that when I am clear about what I need and feel comfortable with getting my needs met, conversations and interactions turn out cleaner, less drama.

I wish the same for you- finding what your truth is and feeling good about getting your needs met. Though we don't like to hurt people that we have cared about. It is okay for you to be happy :)
 
If you interested I have feedback after time.
I thought a lot about the life change (polyamory, maybe brokeup) and I decide to tell her how I feel and what is in my mind , as first I just opened theme for conversation. After that, it start a fucking drama with a lot of shit words at me, what makes me more easy to brokeup but it still was horrible how I saw her desperate and full of tears.

So some weeks after broke up:
On the one side I feel horrible about hurt person who matter on me. (Still comming to my mind picture how she hurst)
On the another side I feel like a huge rock has falled from me. It's really easy for me now live in present and also it seems to me I found something what I lost and what making me more myself. I have also more energy and stopped be like apathetic zombie shit who looking at wall .

I think my choice was right and I wish I had no empathy.
Thanks for your time, answers and I hope this post help somebody in similar situation.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry to hear about the break up.

It's ok to have empathy for her hurt feelings. And at the same time, not like how she behaved.

I'm sorry that your ex decided to do "shit words" at you.

It is disappointing when it turns out that two people dating each other are not compatible after all. But turning it into a temper tantrum or acting out? That is not loving treatment toward someone who is trying to be honest and share difficult news. You don't have to like that part of it if you were trying to be honest and decent and she just blew up.

At least it's done now.

I think my choice was right and I wish I had no empathy.

It sounds like overall it was the best choice. I'm glad you no longer feel like an apathetic zombie.

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Dying_inspiration,

Thanks for updating your situation here. I'm sorry your girlfriend broke up with you, perhaps even sorrier about the cruel words she directed at you, and sorriest of all that she was hurt by your polyness. I'm not sorry that that huge rock fell away from you, I'm glad that you are no longer feeling like a zombie. I hope your ex-girlfriend finds some healing in the months ahead. It seems that the two of you weren't meant to be together any longer, I hope she finds someone who is monogamous and can enjoy a monogamous life with her.

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 
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