Your most recent OKC messages. post em here!

FallenAngelina

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Spork said:
Hey, FallenAngelina....are you on the "Ask a woman a question including penis questions without being made to feel like a jerk" group?
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Yes.

That question seems to come up weekly and the penis pic reaction :rolleyes: seems to be pretty universal. It's Dating 101, Tip #2 in my book. Tip #1 is for women: Don't sext before you meet someone if you're looking for a real relationship.
 
Spork

Spork

Active member
FallenAngelina said:
Yes.

That question seems to come up weekly and the penis pic reaction :rolleyes: seems to be pretty universal. It's Dating 101, Tip #2 in my book. Tip #1 is for women: Don't sext before you meet someone if you're looking for a real relationship.
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I don't know, I think I needed a Dating 101 Tip # 0.5 for women: Have some goddamn idea if you're looking for a real relationship, or what the heck you are looking for or trying to do, before you start messing with people and trying to date.

Actually that's a good rule for anyone.

The dating world can be pretty rough on people who don't really know what they are trying to accomplish, or think they want one thing but end up needing something different, etc. A little self-awareness goes a long way.
 
Petunia

Petunia

Moderator
Staff member
How did you manage to fit so much personality into a few lines on a screen? You are like a fine whiskey - a knock-out in small quantities! I love your profile and thought you should know you have a secret admirer somewhere. ​

Sweet message, but our percentages are crap and he lives on the Coast. Still...sweet message and so much better than the majority.
 
Spork

Spork

Active member
Sometimes I'm tempted to hop back on OKC for a while just because I get restless and bored with social media. When I click around here, and on Facebook, and on fetlife, and not much is going on, I kind of miss even the awful messages I used to get from stupid horny guys with no imagination. I used to mock them by demanding haikus about outrageous sexual acts. It entertained me in my moments of tedium.

But I think it's probably pretty unfair to go on there when I'm really not looking for anything new. So I don't.
 
C

Cleo

New member
So I thought this would be the right place to post this .. a question.. do any of you OKC users have a kind of litmus question you look up on the profile of people who messaged you or people you are interested in?

I obviously always check what they answered to questions about non monogamy and 'would you consider an open relationship'. But I just realized I ALWAYS check the 'do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved' question and am really turned off when a guy answers 'yes'.
 
vinsanity0

vinsanity0

Active member
I look for the answers to the smoking questions because I smoke. I also look at how they answer questions regarding kink. If we aren't a good match with political type things they won't be on my radar because the match percentage will be too low.
 
Magdlyn

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Cleo said:
So I thought this would be the right place to post this .. a question.. do any of you OKC users have a kind of litmus question you look up on the profile of people who messaged you or people you are interested in?

I obviously always check what they answered to questions about non monogamy and 'would you consider an open relationship'. But I just realized I ALWAYS check the 'do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved' question and am really turned off when a guy answers 'yes'.
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Heh, I even added on that answer, if your answer is yes, don't message me.

Not that I don't shave my legs. I usually keep em up pretty good. But still.

But my main one is, which is bigger, the earth or the sun? lol
 
FeatherFool

FeatherFool

New member
When I was on OKC, I had a bunch of questions that I used to tell me if I would feel safe meeting this person or not. If you are answering the questions, I'm going to use them to judge you, straight up. Safety is really really important to me and when I compare my concern about it to my friends (also on OKC), my screening was much more rigorous. I found some questions useful when compared to their self-descriptions as a way to identify inconsistencies that, to me, spoke of not being a safe person.

"Is there ever a time someone is obligated to have sex with you?" better be answered as some form of HELL NO. "Have you ever lied to a partner about your sexual history?" should have a similar answer. You better also be against eugenics, and not think one race is more intelligent than another, etc. Bigotry, racism, misogyny, etc, are all deal breakers for friendship let alone anything else.
 
nycindie

nycindie

Active member
The first thing I always look for is how they answer questions regarding someone who is overweight. If they don't think an overweight person can be sexy, that is a deal-breaker for me. I'm not huge, but it's a waste of my time if a guy is only looking for skinny and "fit" chicks because that is not me. There are a few questions with the word "overweight" in them, so I just type that in the search box to bring up those.

Then I look for that question on whether they think jealousy is healthy or not. If they think it is healthy, I pass them up.

I also look at how they answer the questions about polyamory, abortion, shaving, and drug/alcohol use.
 
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Emm

Emm

Stealth Mod
My mandatory turn-offs are the leg shaving one (obligated to whom?), a few to do with consent, including (from memory; it's been a while) almost anything on the list for "how would you prefer your partner to wake you up?" and a 'yes" to either "is there ever a time someone is obligated to have sex with you?" or "is it generally acceptable to you for a sex partner to initiate foreplay while you are sleeping?"

I'm sure there are more, but it seems I can't sort them in any useful ways anymore and I've got 116 pages of answered questions in there that I'm not going to read through.
 
Magdlyn

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
nycindie said:
The first thing I always look for is how they answer questions regarding someone who is overweight. If they don't think an overweight person can be sexy, that is a deal-breaker for me. I'm not huge, but it's a waste of my time if a guy is only looking for skinny and "fit" chicks because that is not me. There are a few questions with the word "overweight" in them, so I just type that in the search box to bring up those.

Then I look for that question on whether they think jealousy is healthy or not. If they think it is healthy, I pass them up.
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I actually answered yes to that question. I mean, feelings are feelings. If you're jealous, you should not deny or repress it, but look at it and examine your fear of loss. Only by feeling your feelings, identifying them, and examining them in the light of day, do we enable ourselves to move past them, if moving past them is necessary. If ever I feel "jealous" or "envious" of one of my lovers, I tend to tell them I do, so we can work together to see the root of the problem and what needs to be done on either of our parts to remedy the situation.

I once answered yes to the "is anyone obligated to give me sex" question, since my gf's anxiety and body issues can tend to suppress her sex drive to the detriment of our bonding. I can't and wouldn't just mount her and rape her of course! We need to gently and yet persistently work on her sexual attitudes, which can sometimes get lost in her anxieties about various life issues. I told her I refuse to have "lesbian bed death." This was in our first couple of years. We have worked things out well since then.

Obligation is the wrong word, but if any lover is consistently unable or unwilling to have sex with me, they tend to fall into the "friend" category and the whole relationship changes.

I had periods of low libido in my life with my ex husband, of course. Having 3 kids in 5 years was a boner killer for me, due to exhaustion. I did feel very bad for my husband in some ways, although he could have stepped up to the plate and done more housework to enable me to rest and feel sexy again.

Mismatched libidos are a rampant problem in love relationships. Jewish women can divorce their husbands merely for not providing enough sex. So, according to Jewish law, the husband IS obligated to give his wife sufficient sex. I find that very interesting!
 
nycindie

nycindie

Active member
I don't have a problem with people feeling some jealousy and dealing with it. I think it is healthy to look at/resolve/come to terms with any feelings that overtake us or upset us. However, jealousy... ugh. It's a sore point with me. When I was younger, I had boyfriends who were so extremely jealous and possessive that it tainted everything. With one bf I was with for a few years, if I turned my head to look out the window while we were driving through town, he would snap "who are you looking at?!" and I had to keep my eyes focused up front. He judged what I wore based on who would be checking me out. He wanted me to look appealing but not too appealing, for fear I would be stolen away, I suppose. Things like that made it hard to socialize and only made me more shy and awkward. This was when I was really just budding as a sexual being and learning how to relate in groups.

Now that was extreme, and I was young and not yet fully my own person at that point, so maybe it scarred me a bit, but through the years I have come to observe that, although we all experience jealousy and envy to some degree from time to time, jealousy isn't all that healthy for loving relationships. That's just my opinion, which I reached because I've seen very often how jealousy is easily connected to insecurity, possessiveness, and competitiveness. I have had cases where I wanted to stay friends with an ex but his new gf wouldn't allow it out of jealousy. I just think that is sad.

I never objected to my ex-husband having women friends or staying in touch with ex's. I was rarely jealous because I was very secure in our relationship. When I trust someone and feel secure, jealousy doesn't come up for me. It was only after my ex-h told me he wanted a separation that I started feeling jealous and wondering which women at his office he was socializing with, because obviously my sense of security in our relationship had taken a major hit.

I see jealousy, for the most part, as a self-manufactured state of being that comes out of thoughts we entertain and indulge in, and/or fears and insecurities we don't want to look at, rather than a natural emotional response that is organic, like sadness or joy.

I think that envy is much more common, and it makes sense to me that people want what someone else has, but most people confuse envy with jealousy. I think jealousy can really mess things up. I don't want to start a relationship with someone whose answer to that question on OKC says that he believes that jealousy is healthy. It's not always a deal-breaker if other things he says in his profile indicate that he can rise above jealousy, but when it comes to men in relationships, I equate jealousy with possessiveness and I don't want to be in a relationship with a possessive, jealous guy.
 
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nycindie

nycindie

Active member
Emm said:
My mandatory turn-offs . . . a 'yes" to . . . "is it generally acceptable to you for a sex partner to initiate foreplay while you are sleeping?"
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Haha, my ex-husband and I often initiated sex while the other was sleeping because we had different sleep schedules and if we didn't make that effort sometimes, we'd have had sex a lot less often. But we both knew already that it was okay to do that. Although I admit, I would rarely ever object if someone I was sleeping with woke me up that way. I've been more upset when someone didn't want to do that!
 
vinsanity0

vinsanity0

Active member
After reading some responses, I have to wonder just how much you can really tell about someone from those questions. I tend to overthink answers. The questions may mean totally different things to different people. One woman said I was a cheater. I have to assume that was because I had answered yes to the question about being a secret. I was thinking DADT and I wouldn't be opposed to dating someone who had that relationship with someone else.
 
Emm

Emm

Stealth Mod
... which is why my answers to that type of question include a descriptive answer as well as a box tick.
 
Spork

Spork

Active member
I often explained my answers, too.

Nycindie: First of all, I applaud and agree most of what you're saying about jealousy. My ex was seriously insecure and jealous and did the whole "who are you dressing for" and explaining to me like a little girl that all the boys just wanted one thing, and I could not be friends with them. And my female friends? Either he hoped we'd get intimate so he could "watch" (ugh, gross--I am NOT your porn, guy) or else he hated them because "drama." Essentially his insecurities and jealousy were just cause for him to manipulate me and isolate me and control me.

So. I don't hold people's feelings against them. But I absolutely hold someone's actions to me as a result of feelings against them. And too often, jealousy, especially when perceived as "healthy" or "normal"...leads to shit actions. If a partner expressed to me that they were having uncomfortable feelings that seemed like jealousy, and we worked through unbundling them, discussing things, maybe making some compromises, trying to get to the root of any insecurity...then that's fine. But no one will ever again be allowed to tell me, "I am feeling this bad feeling, so you need to change your actions so that I don't feel it."

Nope.

As for foreplay while sleeping...I think that's one where I would add the explanation/caveat that we should probably discuss it first. Interestingly, for such a flaky lover, Worm King did that one perfectly right. I spent the night once, he'd told me that he wanted to initiate sex with me while I was sleeping, and would in fact appreciate if I tried to "stay asleep" or pretend to, and not react. I found the pre-negotiation hot, and the activity too. It was not creepy or bad or weird to me because we talked about it prior and I'd agreed to it (my consent obtained.)
 
W

WanderingINTJ

New member
Hi... you are stunning .. :)​

Just a general message, and the guy is in India. I did respond thank you, how are you doing for conversation.
 
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