Your opinions on trying to get to know a married man

Juju047

New member
So I would like your opinion on this situation. First I've been poly for 10 years so I do have some poly experience.

There is this guy I've known for 6 years through work. I'm attracted to him and I think it's reciprocal. Of course I would like to get to know him more and see where it could lead to and being poly is very well possible for me. If I knew he were poly or single I would pursue this without thinking twice but he is married. We never know, he could be poly but I'm thinking probably not. I don't think he knows I'm poly.

I don't know how things are with his wife, if he is happily married or not, he hasn't said anything pointing towards one or the other. He is 48 and have been with his wife since highschool. They have 4 kids, they had them at a very young age so the kids are all grown up and gone from the house.

It's totally against my values to start dating someone cheating on his wife. If I pursue trying to get to know him more, I have no intention on going further than chatting without his wife being aware of the whole thing. As a start, me being poly will come out for sure.

To you, at this point, would you consider this ethical (or unethical) to encourage flirting, texting maybe even meeting somewhere for chatting (following covid rules of course)?
 

TXretired

Member
I met Ewe through a lifestyle profile where my wife and I met another couple. Ewe and I had a major connection and were blessed by both spouses. We are now in a poly relationship. All of our “meets” our up front. If during daily conversations you can slip in a little statement about poly, your coworker might ask some questions. Best wishes.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
To me? I wouldn't bother even if he was poly because he's a coworker. Dating people at work would make things too weird for me. I know others might feel differently about dating coworkers, but that's a hard no go for me. Just because I have a crush on someone doesn't mean I HAVE to pursue.

If I pursue trying to get to know him more, I have no intention on going further than chatting without his wife being aware of the whole thing. As a start, me being poly will come out for sure.

To you, at this point, would you consider this ethical (or unethical) to encourage flirting, texting maybe even meeting somewhere for chatting (following covid rules of course)?


I think it would be easier/more ethical if you are interested in this guy to say "Hey, I wanted to let you know... I'm poly. I am attracted to you. I don't know if you are in an open/poly marriage, and I'm not into cheating things. So I wanted to let you know up front. If it's a non-starter, I'm sorry to intrude and I hope you take it as a compliment. I won't bother you again. If there's potential, look me up sometime."

I think that would be a cleaner start.

Galagirl
 

Juju047

New member
To me? I wouldn't bother even if he was poly because he's a coworker. Dating people at work would make things too weird for me. I know others might feel differently about dating coworkers, but that's a hard no go for me. Just because I have a crush on someone doesn't mean I HAVE to pursue.
I agree with you about the coworker situation except that I just changed position and we are not really coworkers anymore. I'm in a different division and building now and we won't have anything to do with each other at work anymore.
I have not pursued any crush I had for 10 years, and I've brushed this one off many times but it's always coming back.

I really like your clean start suggestion! It makes a lot of sense. Thank you!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Juju047,

My vote is, go ahead and chat with that guy at work, there's no reason you and he can't be friends, a friendship is not cheating. Definitely let him know, before exploring anything beyond friendship, that you are poly. At that point, he will probably tell you if he is poly too.

You've known this man for six years, that's a lot! so it isn't like you'd be rushing into anything. I say what the heck, go for it. Just don't start anything romantic with him unless/until his wife gives it the okay.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

NerfHerder

Member
As a married man who has dated married women...

Be honest. A friendship is great, anything more can be icing on the cake if it's based on realistic and honest expectations. Also... run away if he starts talking badly about his wife or his relationship.... If he can't be honest with her, he can't be honest with you, and he'll probably talk the same way about you to the next person.

Otherwise, I think Kevin said the most important bits.
 

DavidWhorton

New member
As a married man who has dated married women...

Be honest. A friendship is great, anything more can be icing on the cake if it's based on realistic and honest expectations. Also... run away if he starts talking badly about his wife or his relationship.... If he can't be honest with her, he can't be honest with you, and he'll probably talk the same way about you to the next person.

Otherwise, I think Kevin said the most important bits.
When married men are bogged down with immense responsibilities of a marriage and are unable to cope, they search for an escape route and end up falling in love with another woman. They might feel emotionally disconnected from their wives, because of which they look for emotional satisfaction elsewhere.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Since you're no longer seeing each other as often, because of your move to another building, you could tell this guy you miss him, and ask him to have lunch together, or at least coffee. There's nothing wrong with friends having lunch.

If you see an opening, you could casually mention you're poly. If he hasn't heard of it, you could explain how it works for you. Watch his reaction. If it seems to light a spark in his eyes, maybe that will turn the conversation to more specifics about your feelings for him. I'd avoid flirting or texting, since that could just encourage cheating without properly clearing the decks.
 

NerfHerder

Member
Since you're no longer seeing each other as often, because of your move to another building, you could tell this guy you miss him, and ask him to have lunch together, or at least coffee. There's nothing wrong with friends having lunch.

If you see an opening, you could casually mention you're poly. If he hasn't heard of it, you could explain how it works for you. Watch his reaction. If it seems to light a spark in his eyes, maybe that will turn the conversation to more specifics about your feelings for him. I'd avoid flirting or texting, since that could just encourage cheating without properly clearing the decks.
This reminds me of a few conversations I've had.... once a co-worker asked me why I didn't wear a wedding ring, and gave me a perfect lead like "you *are* monogamous, right?" and I responded with "well...." and we had a brief conversation about it. She didn't ask very many questions.

Another time a friend was over and saw the book "more than two" on our shelf and asked about it. Another good conversation was had.

I'm sure there's been times where people have jumped away more, but in general I've found people to be pretty respectful as long as you're not putting any expectations on them and let them come to you if they want to know more.

Magdlyn's recommendation is a good one. Either it'll lead somewhere, or it won't. Either way you can get some more information. (=
 
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