Sexual healers and Slutdom

[GroundedSpirit]

I've clipped out a couple paragraphs here from another thread because I think they bring out a topic that is important to talk about.

Redpepper, I hope you don't mind.

This is from a thread that TruckerPete started, which was interesting.

I used to be a friend that fucked their friends to show them I loved them when they thought they weren't worth anything to anyone. I slept with most of my high school friends as a result. It was awesome to be able to give like that.
Unfortunately, one or two bragged about it and I got to be known as a slut. I was deeply hurt and began to lose trust because I didn't know which friend had bragged. Small towns in Northern Canada... gotta love 'em. I still haven't lived that down, and my being poly now has not helped. They think it's just an extension of my slutdom. To them, being a slut does not empower.. There is no new age of sex positive shit going on there.

I have a friend that just experienced the same thing as I had this last summer, and she is in her 30's. She saw herself as a sexual healer to her best guy friend, until the guy began to mistreat her by using her for sex and seeing her as a slut. He would get drunk and brag about it and tell everyone that she was a slut, so he fucks her because of it. Really awful, but not uncommon. I think a lot of women, and perhaps men, are inherently sexual healers, but have been used and abused so often they don't trust anyone anymore, and don't give themselves to others that way anymore. It's become self-preservation, I think.

I agree this is an age-old problem. But what's most difficult, I feel, is embracing that label and rising above the negativity normally associated with it. And yes, it is somewhat similar to what prostitutes endure. Looking back over history, you'll find some professionals who have made this leap-- risen above the negativity. They are proud of their profession and have developed ways to let the stigma run off their backs.

I've seen the same thing with the slut label. I've known a few and some that were actually proud of it, and justifiably so, because they WERE actually healers, even before that concept became public. Inside, they knew. They knew the impact they were having. They accepted the shots that came with it. A rare breed indeed, but foresighted and admirable.

And, at least from my experience, I'll share a comment that may matter to some. The label 'slut,' for all it's seemingly negative connotations, is not in reality as negative in its effects as everyone might think. It's literally a term assigned out of jealousy and envy and generates far more unspoken respect than most are aware of. I can't think of an actual instance where anyone was rejected from a job, even an important social engagement, because of their reputation as a slut. Generally it's approached like, "Well he/she is a slut, BUT..." That BUT just acts as the lubricant that lets things flow forward much as they would have, minus the label.

So, for those strong and enlightened individuals who have chosen this route, I say, bless you. Keep your head high and a smile on your face.

GS

 

[SourGirl]

I agree totally.

I never realized I even had a 'slut' issue until the last 2 years. I actually use to joke in high school that 'A slut is just a person who refuses to say no to a good opportunity.' Then someone attempted to call me one during sex, meant in in a sexy way, and ended up backhanded and alone. (It was consensual rough sex, so don`t get your panties in a wad about the backhand.)

Why I had the strong reaction, I debated for a long time. I was NOT raised in a slut-shaming environment. In fact, even my grandparents use to encourage us NOT to seriously date the first guy we came across. They encouraged us to keep dating 'light hearted' at a young age. To date different people, and find out what kind of people we actually like, before getting serious.

Anyhow, I have learned even when you think you are all proactive, you can still have triggers.

I suffered from the, 'I can call myself a slut, but you can't' idea, because I bought into the concept, at some point, that sluts are submissives in most people's eyes. I could refer to myself as one with pride, but if someone else said it, I automatically assumed I was being downgraded.

I've since fixed that issue, and become very aware of the silly things we all do, and how we slut-shame in small ways.

The current thing I notice is how being a slut, or enjoying sex, has been automatically equaled with lacking respect for your partner, being careless, or lacking in emotions-- all this among people who should know better.

While there may be a good percentage of people who are disrespectful, careless and cold, I think it's interesting that even in an 'enlightened' crowd, it still seems to be the 'rule' to associate it all together, rather then just a section of the population.

 

[dingedheart]

Oh my god. I just realized I'm a sexual healer. This is great. It makes so much sense to me now. I think I'm going to add that to my business cards.

 

[redpepper]

Redpepper - hope you don't mind.....

No, I don't mind.

I agree this is an age-old problem. But what's most difficult, I feel, is embracing that 'label' and rising above the negativity normally associated with it. And yes, it is somewhat similar to what prostitutes endure. And looking back over history you'll find some professionals who have made this leap - risen above the negativity. They are proud of their profession and have developed ways to let the stigma run off their backs. I've seen the same thing with the 'slut' label. I've known a few and some that were actually proud of it, justifiably so, because they WERE actually healers, even before that concept became public. They knew the impact they were having. They accepted the shots that came with it. A rare breed indeed, but foresighted and admirable.

And, at least from my experience, I'll share a comment that may matter to some. The label 'slut' - for all its seemingly negative connotations, is not in reality as negative in its effects as everyone might think. It's literally a term assigned out of jealousy and envy, and generates far more unspoken respect that most are aware of. I can't think of an actual instance where any was rejected from a job, even an important social engagement, because of their reputation as a slut. Generally it's approached like, "Well, he/she is a slut, BUT..." and that BUT just acts as the lubricant that lets things flow forward much as they would have, minus the label.

I disagree here. To me, a slut is not a sexual healer. They are someone who enjoys the amount of sex they feel comfortable with, regardless and without thought of what others say, usually, but not always, before they are called a slut.

Historically, for most, people go underground, or are shamed into not repeating the experience that got them the negative name to begin with. To me its completely a "self" journey, which seems to me is a good reason why it hurts so much when people point a finger and say, "You're a slut."

I commend anyone that can own that title with pride. I am totally not there yet with the word "slut." In actions, however...

To me, a sexual healer is someone who has sex with people they see as less fortunate, in need of comforting, closeness or just a good fuck. There is little-to-no thought of themselves. It is an act of giving that they get something out of, and not the having of the sex, necessarily. Sex trade workers get money for it, and, if they are like my friend, a sense of accomplishment and pride that they were of good service.

I used to work for a non-profit as a therapist that supported sex-trade workers. It's not an uncommon thing to enjoy the role of healer, as far as I know. Slutdom rarely comes into it, although it can help a person love the benefits of their job. Sexual healing and slutdom can most definitely go hand-in-hand, but there is a difference, in my mind.

 

[IndieSolo]

This topic reminds me of one that Mags started a while back:

I long for the days when sex was so sacred...

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, I ID as a slut and a sexual healer. As I said on the other thread Cindie kindly linked to, in days of old (before the patriarchy) female and male sex workers in the Mideast/Cannan were called qudesha (female) and qudeshim (male), Hebrew/Aramaic for "holy ones." Sadly, we have lost that concept, along with the power that comes from being a strong self-actualized woman.

I know that I have begun a healing process for many men since I became single. Even if our relationships are no longer going on, I have helped men feel stronger and freer to pursue the things they really want in life, by using the gift of my body, as well as a strong shoulder and listening ear, and a good sense of humor and fun, as well.

I've always been this way... When we first met, my ex used to call me a slut, because of my dating around before we met. I sloughed off any negative connotations, because I was, in my mind, a free love hippie, with a "make love not war" kind of attitude.

Luckily for me, I was never shamed by the communities I lived in as "trash." I never needed to worry about my reputation.

Sadly, my jealous ex tried to tame me, control me, and our sex life suffered for many years. If he wanted me to be less sexual with others, less flirty, completely mono, he got the consequences of less sex for himself as a result! He tried so hard to turn down my heat, he turned it off.

Through our sex and our polyamory my gf has also healed me. A lot.

 

[Jade]

I sometimes think that most of my joy from swinging has come from playing that role. The healing function was even at work in the beginnings of our polyamorous relationship. Sex can touch the soul, and when it does, there's no beating it.

 

[TruckerPete]

I remember trying to explain one healing encounter to a friend. They jokingly replied, "So you pity-fucked him?" I was utterly shocked that anyone could see it that way. It was at that point I realized how differently I felt about sex than most people.

My body is not a temple, it's a gift.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

I disagree here. To me, a slut is not a sexual healer. It's someone who enjoys the amount of sex they feel comfortable with, regardless and without thought of what others say, usually, but not always, before they are called a slut.

Okay, that's fine. Like we've said before, we run into this constantly. Everyone seems to adopt their own meaning of any particular word and one is usually (although not always) as good as another.

Out in the world, the term 'slut' is often used for any (I'm going with the female gender) girl/woman who is just known for having a lot of sex with different people, regardless of what her motivation might be. And, at least in my experience, ladies like that often have altruistic motivations as often as not. It's not just about the physical pleasure they might think of receiving, as much as wanting to foster that closeness that often comes with sex, for themselves and the other person.

It's part of an old debate, that there is no such thing as a truly altruistic act, that anything we do always has some self-serving motivation behind it, even if it's only ego. But that's off topic and beyond what we need to get into here.

Back to the point, I still feel that what's important is to foster that attitude and understanding of the role of sex, so that people can engage in it for whatever reason they choose, and have that accepted without labels, or even a discussion. We don't question or debate why people eat. We just accept it as part of being and staying alive.

To me, a sexual healer is someone that has sex with people they see as less fortunate, in need of comforting, closeness or just a good fuck. There is little to no thought of themselves.

I agree, and feel that many of us have played that role at one point, and hopefully will again, if it's needed. But per my previous comments, there's something in it for us, too.

GS

 

[GroundedSpirit]

I've always been this way... When we first met, my ex used to call me a slut, because of my dating around before we met. I sloughed off any negative connotations, because I was, in my mind, a free love hippie, with a "make love not war" kind of attitude.

Lucky for me, I was never shamed by the communities I lived in as trash. I never needed to worry about my reputation.

Thanks for this reminder, Mags. I think we (those of us from a certain period) often need this reminder, that we did live in a unique time, where labels and attitudes were changing fast. A lot of analysis, opening up, loosening up, if you will. Then it fizzled. But there were valuable lessons learned and insights gained that are uncommon in today's culture, so it's good to try to relight that candle when you can.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Out in "the world", the term 'slut' is often used for any girl/woman who is just known for having a lot of sex with different people, regardless of what her motivation might be.

Yup. There has been no reclaiming of the word in my environment. It generally refers to someone who is "easy," and serves a purpose, but not someone you would have a committed relationship with or bring home to mom. Slut, skank, whore are all the same to the people I work with and often socialize with.

Sexual healer is an interesting term, though. I have to think about this for a while. I believe sex can be a valid service to provide, but haven't thought about it being used as a healing tool. I can see how it could increase self esteem and confidence, possibly. Thanks for giving me something to think about.

 

[Carma]

So most people think Marvin Gaye's song is just kind of a little joke?

The books on tantric sex are all about healing. I wish we lived in a world that recognized it as such. I know good sex has been healing, for me, and I know I have been a healer, too. Sometimes I really felt my attraction to Butch was a "calling," and to deny it would have been the sin!

 

[dingedheart]

Carma,

That's my new ring tone for the healing hot line. I also have it on the heal-mobile I use when I have to make house calls. The power of Marvin Gaye! God bless that man.

 

[opalescent]

Some thoughts

I'm fascinated by this thread. I am especially interested that some folks have connected slut with being a sexual healer. That sluts (who are female - there is no male equivalent in English) are altruistic, sharing themselves with others to help them heal in some way. (I believed Grounded Spirit noted the altruism aspect.)

I consider slut a shame word thrown at women and girls who enjoy sex, who experience and share the pleasures of sex. Slut, as a derogatory term, is sometimes used about women or girls who often haven't had sex with lots of partners, but gave some sort of indication that she enjoyed it. This dovetails with Redpepper's ideas on what a slut is. It's not the number of partners, but that she enjoyed it!

The connection with sexual healing intrigues me because, personally, it has never occurred to me to have sex with someone because they are damaged or hurting in some way and having sex with me could help. I've had sex for lots of reasons-- to express love, to connect, for pleasure, to pass the time, to touch and be touched, to get off, among others, but never to heal someone else (or heal myself, for that matter). That literally never occurred to me.

I also don't have that common female compulsion to take care of everyone around me. I use compulsion intentionally. It seems to me that women are often pushed, or push themselves to heal, to take care of, to mend everyone but themselves. And, yes, men do this too, but it seems much less accepted, by men and women, for men to behave in this manner.

I'm also intrigued that the sexual healing encounters described have all been heterosexual. I racked my brains trying to remember if any lesbian or queer friends have mentioned a similar experience. I haven't come up with any. Of course, just because I haven't heard about sex as healing in this manner among queer people doesn't mean it doesn't happen. But I wonder if all this sexual healing is one-sided. All of the stories in our small sample were of a woman healing a man, not the other way around. Of course, this doesn't mean it doesn't happen, but it is very suggestive, to me.

TruckerPete, honestly, the pity-fuck aspect of your sexual experience with your friend occurred to me, too. Yes, pity is an emotion of contempt, which you clearly did not feel toward your friend. You felt sorry for him and wanted to help him see himself differently, see himself through your eyes, through your body. That is a great gift to be treasured.

 

[Magdlyn]

Sluts are female - there is no male equivalent in English.

"Man whore" is a term I've heard. Don Juan is another. Of course, that's supposed to be a compliment... but I don't think it is!

There are lots of women in the kink community who have reclaimed the words slut, cunt and whore, and men who will use those terms as a compliment or turn-on during sex or kinky activities. It's generally seen as a sex-positive idea.

I consider slut a shame word thrown at women and girls who enjoy sex, who experience and share the pleasures of sex. Slut, as a derogatory term, is sometimes used about women or girls who often haven't had sex with lots of partners - but gave some sort of indication that she enjoyed it. This dovetails with Redpepper's ideas on what a slut is. It's not the number of partners, but that she enjoyed it!

It's a holdover from the patriarchy, especially from Victorian days. Back then, it was officially broadcast that women did not ever experience sexual desire, but were supposed to offer their bodies to their husbands only for his pleasure, and to procreate. Of course, there were thousands of prostitutes back then, and a big porn industry. Also, electric vibrators were invented then, right after the lightbulb, to be used by male doctors on women who were suffering from "nervous exhaustion" or "hysteria."

I'm also intrigued that the sexual healing encounters described have all been heterosexual. I racked my brains trying to remember if any lesbian or queer friends have mentioned a similar experience. I haven't come up with any. Of course, just because I haven't heard about sex as healing in this manner among queer people doesn't mean it doesn't happen. But I wonder if all this sexual healing is one-sided. All of the stories in our small sample were of a woman healing a man - not the other way around. Of course, this doesn't mean it doesn't happen but it is very suggestive to me.

Well, I am in a lesbian relationship, my primary is a woman. (I ID as genderqueer and pansexual.) I know our sex has been extremely healing for both of us. Also, I had a LTR with a mostly closeted bi man, and would roleplay being a male lover for him. (We only met irl about 5 or 6 times, over the course of about 18 months, but cybered a lot.)

Right now, I am entering into a friendship with a male crossdresser. We've only chatted so far, but even my open attitude towards his gender ID, and the type of sex he'd like, has been a bit healing and encouraging for him. (See the "Complicated" thread.)

As far as a man healing a woman during sex, well, I certainly used to experience that feeling after a hot roll in the hay with my boytoy D.

I do admit I am a typical warm nurturing mama type. It doesn't take much to get me interested in taking care of someone who seems to be in distress. (For example, I have been doing volunteer work for over 20 years with a lactation support organization, helping moms who are having difficulties breastfeeding.) But I do take good care of myself. I can see the signs of getting burnt out, and I step back and do nice things for myself.

Also, my idea of helping is not to give a person a fish, but to teach them how to fish.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

I consider slut a shame word thrown at women and girls who enjoy sex, who experience and share the pleasures of sex. Slut, as a derogatory term, is sometimes used about women or girls who often haven't had sex with lots of partners, but gave some sort of indication that she enjoyed it.

Interesting comment, Opal.

I wonder if we've uncovered another gender difference, or if it may be a regional or cultural difference. Like I said to RP, it's amazing how many variations on the meaning of any particular word you find.

I have never seen/heard the term slut or any other derogatory term used for a woman who just seemed to enjoy sex., unless that enjoyment led her to a high level of activity with multiple different partners. Men will talk about how "hot" someone (likely?) is, how horny they are, etc., but it only leans toward the negative when she starts spreading her joy.

Maybe it's been different in your area or culture? I suspect, if so, it would be a minority.

The connection with sexual healing intrigues me because, personally, it has never occurred to me to have sex with someone because they are damaged or hurting in some way and sex with me can help. I've had sex for lots of reasons-- to express love, to connect, for pleasure, to pass the time, to touch and be touched, to get off, among others, but never to heal someone else (or heal myself for that matter). It literally never occurred to me.

Again, maybe it's a regional or cultural phenomenon.

It's been known since antiquity that the hormones released during sex can have profound impacts on people's mental state. We've talked some about the science behind it here quite a few times, the whole oxytocin, etc., syndrome. We also have all the science we need that connects stress to physical problems. Can you think of a better stress buster than a few orgasms?

The ancients were well aware of this, so nothing new here. But like Mags mentioned, ever since the rise of the patriarchy, a lot of this commonsense wisdom has been lost/hidden. And it still is. You bear witness to this!

So go forth and heal, girl. {{hugs}}

I'm also intrigued that the sexual healing encounters described have all been heterosexual. I racked my brains trying to remember if any lesbian or queer friends have mentioned a similar experience.

I think this is universal across all gender preferences. It's only because of the limited participants in this little thread that it might seem to have a hetero connection. Altruism is gender neutral.

GS

 

[Carma]

Can you think of a better stress buster than a few orgasms?

Ah, yes, TANTRIC SEX. Believe it or not, it does not focus on the orgasm! It's the joy in the journey. It's being fully present for and with another human being.

Orgasm -- the "petit mort," in French, which means "little death" -- can be such a focus, that the good stuff on the way gets underrated.

Believe it or not, in Tantric, you can have whole body orgasms! Soul orgasms, that last a whole lot longer!

I'm not making this stuff up, and I'm no expert whatsoever. I've only read a few books. It was really appealing to me, especially the healing part, which I have experienced personally. Worth checking out.

 

[IndieSolo]

I have never seen/heard the term 'slut' or any other derogatory term used for a woman who just seemed to enjoy sex, unless that 'enjoyment' led her to a high level of activity with multiple different partners.

I think it's fairly common. It's not necessarily that a woman has sex with many people that gets her called a slut, although that is usually the case. But, if she reveals that she likes and wants sex, that will also prompt people to label her slutty.

 

[polyq4]

The Ethical Slut

I went to Amazon and bought the book "The Ethical Slut" on Kindle. It makes a lot of sense and it really takes the word back. I think I would love to be that person. Most of the women I have been with, though, believe that sex is never just sex. When we started going outside of my current marriage, my SO always asked, "Why am I not enough?"

I love sex. It's fun. I totally get off when the other person cums. That's my turn on. I will usually only cum once, but I have been known to go an hour or more.

Now I am in a fourple and it's great. I have 2 women and one guy I share with. (I wasn't bi till we met them.) The big difference for me is that there is love involved. Occasionally we play outside, but not often anymore.

The biggest change has been in the last number of months where my 'primary' has seen that I can have feelings for someone else and I don't have less for her. I think, at some point soon, we might like to add another person to the mix, be it a guy or girl, and maybe have that third down the road be a more permanent person, but we'll see.

Sorry for the ramble. lol

 

[redpepper]

I have never seen/heard the term slut or any other derogatory term used for a woman who just seemed to enjoy sex.

The term slut has been used to identify loose and easy women. As far as I know, there is no term for women who enjoy sex. "Slut" would not be that word, for me. After a long history with the word, I would prefer a new one to describe myself, please. I am not interested in claiming "slut" to describe myself. To me, it has a definition already, and I am not it.