Parents quickly learn that if their child is not happy, entertained, learning, becoming independent, doing their thing that the parents life becomes a nightmare. "Kids first" means that parents life can be satisfied second. Not only should it be like that, but it works better like that.
OMG could we make it a rule that all parents learn this?
I would be very careful about children with anyone.
If only more people were! It should require a license like driving does. Bad parenting is much more dangerous than a bad driver.
To bring a child into the world means that anyone you love would become secondary to them. My boy is my child and I share the responsibility to raise him. That responsibility can make or break loving relationships between parents or caregivers.
This is true. I guess I just know myself well enough. When I met Maca, I did not want more children, but he had a son. In the first days of us becoming friends again (not even dating), his son got pneumonia. I happened to work a schedule that allowed me to watch him while Maca was at work, so I did, not because I wanted to, or because I loved Maca, or because I was trying to "win him," or because of any desire to have a relationship with him, but because it was simply the right thing to do. No parent should have to choose between working to feed their child or being sure their child is cared for and safe. So I watched him. So, for me, it's not just someone I'm dating, it's anyone I have in my life who has a child.
Just today, a child I barely know fell out of bed in our basement. Her mother is a long time friend of Maca's, but I only just met them both. My autopilot instinct was to run. I had her in my arms before anyone else could even react, because it was just the RIGHT thing to do (for me).
Some people are like this, some are not. It's very important to not only know what kind of person YOU are, but also your lovers. I've had significant others who weren't like that, but they weren't primary caregivers for my child. I now have lovers who are like me, and can be primary caregivers for my children, because it simplifies all of the relationships.
I have always thought it unnecessary to birth children. Sure, it's easier to get pregnant for a lot of people but really you can chose to have kids in your life and make them a priority. There is no need to birth them. I got pregnant because it was easier for me that was a conscious decision.
My sister is an example. She has borne no children. She's 34 years old and probably never will. But she tells people she has four kids because she loves my kids and cares for them as her own. They know her as Auntie, or "Mimi," but she cares for them like a mother.
I was Auntie to a boy for many years whose mum was a single mum. I looked after him often and included him in our lives. They moved away... We were reacquainted again this year and it turns out we had a huge impact on his life. He is 17. He remembers he did stuff with us, such as going to the pool, tenting in our living room in the winter, eating his first pomegranate. He thinks fondly of us and we influenced his life positively at a time when he needed that. Anyone can do that! and more people should! There are so many kids in the world already that don't have that, I really think that we should be taking care of them first. They need us. I don't have any problem saying "need" here. Kids "need" responsible, caring, loving, positive, adults.
(bolding by me)
I completely concur. My daughter (18 years and thank god no babies on the way) retains fond, close, loving relationships with my high school boyfriend who cared for her, as well as MANY of my close friends from high school, some of whom I am friends with. Mostly we grew out of each others lives, but they didn't walk out on HER. It's been amazing watching how secure she is in her life, in herself, in her relationships, because even though her father walked out on her, all of these other men and women stuck by her and showed her it was HIM, not her that was lacking.
If more people would put forth the effort to be an auntie or uncle to a child, less children would repeat the mistakes based on insecurity borne of one parent or another failing them!
But, and this is a huge but, you have to be the kind of person who can do that and not be self-centered. Because even if the child isn't yours, caring for a child even for short bits of time requires selflessness. Those little buggers require a lot, even if they are independent and self-motivated, well behaved and well adjusted!
Perhaps instead of thinking about biological clocks ticking this friend of yours could involve herself somehow in a child's life... I suspect that she will be just as fulfilled... If she isn't fulfilled, then having her own is a good option, provided the situation and time is right.
Not only that, but taking time to be there when they do go home, gives you a chance to increase your time with them incrementally, and sort of "test the waters." When I had my daughter a lot of the girls in school with me went through the "Ohhh I want a baby" b.s. I let my daughter spend the night with them (not all of them, just the ones who were more responsible) or invited them to spend the night with me. That way they got to wake up every few hours to deal with wet diapers, bottles, missing pacifiers and then get up and go to school in the morning.
Interestingly, not one of them had a baby before age 30. That "testing" time can be invaluable.
OP, it wasn't my impression either of you were talking about jumping into the parental waters. I commend you both for talking to people, taking the opportunity to really consider if this is a viable option (for either of you, as you did note you aren't considering it together). It's a huge life decision, and more people who think that they do want kids without the extra complication of that being a new concept in a life designed without them should make that much effort!
(bolded and colored in case you get tired of reading my rambles and want to skip to something specific to you!)
too young!!!), but he remembers he did stuff with us that his mum couldn't pull off, such as going to the pool, tenting in our living room in the winter, eating his first pomegranate. He thinks fondly of us and we influenced his life positively at a time when he needed that. Anyone can do that, and more people should! There are so many kids in the world already that don't have that; I really think that we should be taking care of them first. They need us, and I don't have any problem saying "need" here. Kids "need" responsible, caring, loving, positive adults.