Husband demands a houseboy (permanent threesome arrangement)

[Jeteo]

I’m 28. My husband Jax is 47. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 4 (gay couple).

Five years into the relationship, he suggested having threesomes. I finally gave in, and we set our rules: we’d both agree on meeting that person, always together, and only for sex. Last December we met an 18 year old guy (let’s call him James). Jax sort of fell in love with him. They were chatting way too much. James is totally his type, and I felt that Jax was becoming less interested in me. He also asked James if he wanted to be a "backup boyfriend" in case things didn’t work well with me. He did all this while always reassuring me that I had no reason to be concerned!

Last month, he dropped this huge bomb on me: he said he hasn’t been happy for the past YEAR(!), that he isn’t sexually attracted to me as much as before. (Modesty aside, I am good-looking, fit, attractive and could get laid in less than 10 minutes if I wanted to.) He said that he didn’t love me as much as before. He said he wanted James to become our house boy/slave boy and live permanently with us.

And he said that he wants to travel the world, literally sell everything we have, to travel the world like g*psies.

This was all said within one hour. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that I had been married to this stranger. I couldn’t and still can’t recognize this person.

I am strongly opposed to having James with us, since it’s clear that he is indeed a threat to my relationship and that I am at risk of losing Jax to a boy we met two months ago. James also wants to come live with us. He says he likes us both, but clearly he likes Jax best. James and I are both bottoms. Jax is the only top.

Jax has demanded that James comes to live with us. He has literally made that a dealbreaker for our relationship. I must accept it, or we should split, because he wants to be a dominant top with a submissive slave boy.

He seems more willing to pursue this adventure than to stay in this relationship. He knows it's not even logical, but can't control it.

I love Jax very much. I would do anything for him. But I can’t understand why he is doing this to me. How can he put our relationship on the table like this? He says he still loves me, and wants this threesome arrangement to work, and that he wants both of us, but I no longer feel safe in this. I don’t want to leave him because I love him with all my heart. But I don’t even like James. I have no idea what to do.

Do I try to see if this arrangement will work at all? Should I just leave my husband, even if I love him and have been together and faithful to him for the past 10 years? We got together when I was 18. I’m not sure I want/am ready to start a new life from scratch.

 

[Vinccenzo]

At 37, Jax sought out an 18-year old.

At 47, he did it again.

How did relationships prior to you end for Jax? Do you wonder what will happen to James in 10 years? Is this a pattern slowly becoming apparent to you?

I only mention the above because while what Jax wants to do could be fabulous for partners who want the same, it isn't likely if this is about an age fetish. Love doesn't always mean sexual or romantic exclusivity for everyone. But love never means use someone up and then treat them like a busted toy 10 years later. Only you would know if any of that applies to your situation.

Either way, that he demands this isn't a very loving attitude. He has only know James for two months. Is this the first time in 10 years you've seen him behave this way? Is it possible he is having mental issues or something traumatic has triggered this?

If those can be ruled out, then it sounds to me like even if you wanted to save your relationship with Jax, he has already told you that THAT relationship is over, and one you are not sure you want is your only alternative with him. You might just be selling your self esteem off bit by bit for every little bit longer it buys you with him, and still not having the relationship you want.

I too did the whole "married in my teens, only to be single (with a child!) again," at your age. So let me assure you-- it can be the best thing that ever happened, despite how hard or scary it seems right now.

Take care of yourself. I hope things get better.

 

[AnnabelMore]

I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening to you.

When I was 17/18, I fell deeply in love with a man who was 30/31 at the time. I thought that we were special and that age was just a number. We were together for just six months before we split up, and I never stopped missing him. Four years later, when he admitted that he felt like he'd made a mistake and missed me, I couldn't say no. We gave it another try, first as partners, then as friends with benefits, but neither thing worked out.

He honestly believed he was in love with me. I was close enough to him to know that he was being genuine about that. But his actions didn't match his words. I could only conclude that he was honestly confused. He just wasn't into me in the same way as before, and eventually I accepted that and let him be.

As time went on, I found out from other people who knew him well that he'd had a marked pattern of falling for younger women, and of not being able to sustain a long-term relationship. He's now dating a woman four years younger than me.

Looking back, it seems likely to me that he was an ephebophile (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ephebophilia). How someone like that can ever really maintain an LTR, I just don't know.

Anyway, it seems to me you have two choices. Accept Jax's preference, and adjust to the idea that he will likely continue to collect young lovers as time goes on. Or, decide that that isn't for you, and let him go. Me, I'd opt for the latter. Even if you think you could deal with it without becoming bitter, what's up with how insensitive he's been about this whole thing? He should be talking this out with you as an equal, not making demands and expecting you to suddenly uproot your life and become a g*psy. (That part sounds like a plain old mid-life crisis). As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.

Best of luck.

 

[Anneintherain]

I'm sorry about the situation you find yourself in. In your place, I would certainly not try to make it work, but you might want to see if Jax would be willing to go to couples counseling first, before talking about James moving in (or anything of that nature) again. It would probably be enlightening, to say the least. It's not right for him to talk to you or treat you that way, and I imagine if you let him get away with it, there'd be more where that came from.

 

[sparklepop]

Welcome, Jeteo.

Your husband isn't treating your relationship as a marriage; he's treating it as a dictatorship. He's being flipping rude.

In terms of D/s, are you bottom and top, not 24/7 Master and slave? I'm guessing that you have not committed to handing over your entire life, simply sexual submission? And now Jax is saying he *does* want a slave/houseboy? Then, don't act like his slave. Be his husband. Stand up for what you want. It's your right.

Of course he should be able to *express* what he wants. Expressing sounds like this:

"This might be very difficult for you to hear. I have reached a stage in my life where I have realised there is something I desperately want/need. I want/need a 24/7 D/s dynamic, and I would like to have someone who lives with me, or us, who can fulfill this role. Is this something you could consider?"

Demanding is this:

"I want a slave/houseboy. I'm in love with this new boy and he has to come and move in with us. If you don't like this idea, you can leave."

Last month, he dropped this huge bomb on me: he said he hasn’t been happy for the past YEAR(!), that he isn’t sexually attracted to me as much as before... he didn’t love me as much as before. He said he wanted James to become our house boy/slave boy and live permanently with us. And he wants to travel the world, literally selling everything we have... This was all said within 1 hour. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that I had been married to this stranger. I couldn’t and still can’t recognize this person.

Can you say mid-life crisis?

This is NRE gone mental.

If this helps at all, I'd like you to consider something that I strongly believe in. I believe that NRE is not actually the process of falling in love with someone else. It's the process of falling in love with yourself. We feel NRE because this new person makes us feel good. In Jax's case, James makes him feel hot, because James is a young guy. This convinces Jax that he's still attractive at 47. It likely also makes him feel in control; obviously an important need for a Dom.

This is why "NRE junkies" exist. They need that constant buzz of attention and adoration, because of the way it makes them feel about themselves.

I say this to you because I don't think it is you that is the problem. I think that Jax has reached the stage that many people do at his age, and also, at this stage in a relationship, the 10 year slump/itch. Of course, he could have fallen out of love with you, but that doesn't mean it's your fault. It doesn't mean you're a horrid, unattractive or unlovable person. It simply means that you are no longer working for each other in the same way.

Jax is not acting like a husband. There are no two ways about this. He says he doesn't love you as much, doesn't find you as attractive, so he wants to move a younger guy in. And he thinks that is acceptable? As if, somehow, you should say, "Oh, of course, darling! If you're not attracted to me any more, you should absolutely move in someone who is more attractive to you! Get that need met, my love!" No, no, no.

I am strongly opposed to having James with us, since it’s clear that he is indeed a threat to my relationship, and that I am at risk of losing my husband to a boy we met 2 months ago. James also wants to come live with us. He says he likes us both, but clearly he likes Jax best… James and I are both bottoms and my husband is the only top.

I don't blame you for being strongly opposed. Even if James weren't a threat in the slightest, it's your right to have your say on who lives with you.

Do I try to see if this arrangement will work at all? Should I just leave Jax, even if I love him and have been together and faithful to him for the past 10 years?

You shouldn't have been put into this position in the first place. You've been given an ultimatum, not a consideration. If he really wants this, but still wants you and values your marriage, Jax could be saying, "I'd really like James to move in. I'd like you to consider this over the next 6 months and see if we can work towards it. I must warn you that if you cannot, my needs may not be met and this might cause me to reconsider our compatibility."

It's completely acceptable to say that you don't want anyone else living with you, now, or in the future. It's completely acceptable to assert your own wants and needs. If they aren't compatible, it doesn't mean you should cave.

What worries me is that you might spend another 10 years with Jax. He might swan off around the world with James, or another younger boy. You'll come out of a 20-year relationship. You'll be 38. No doubt, you'll still be hot, but you'll have missed so many opportunities for happiness.

We got together when I was 18. I’m not sure I want/am ready to start a new life from scratch...

This is an incredibly terrifying concept, I know. Nobody here can tell you that you should leave. You're describing a problem in your marriage, not your ten-year relationship. The only thing I can do for you is put various options out there and give you food for thought.

Anecdote time:

Like Annabel, I've always had a thing for older partners. In D/s we call that Mommy/boy, Daddy/girl, Mommy/girl, and in your case, Daddy/boy. It's never been a fetish of mine in the actual fetish sense, but it became blindingly obvious to me that I was seeking some kind of parental figure in my relationships. (I'm sure I still am. My girlfriend is 38 and I'm 28!)

Almost every partner I've had has been older. I want to tell you about one in particular. When I was 18, I met a man who was 31. I fell in love with him and it was an intensely special relationship that lasted 5 years. I would have married him and probably spent at least 10 years with him; if not my entire life.

I was petrified about leaving him. I loved him very deeply. He was and still is my soul mate. (We are still very close, after 10 years of knowing each other). But, when I left him, a new chapter in my life began. I got to travel a bit, I got to explore other people, explore myself. I became more confident, independent, strong. I was no longer dependent on him looking after me. And don't get me wrong; I wasn't a mess when I was with him. I was a very happy person. But leaving that relationship dynamic did me the world of good.

The thoughts I want to leave you with is this--

- There are many different kinds of relationships.
- It is possible to change a relationship into something more healthy.
- It is possible to have a relationship of companionship, or even romantic love.
- It is possible to remain married, or remain close, whilst not necessarily living together.
- It is possible to walk out of the door, but leave it open.
- Some relationships are very special, and yours very well might be.
- Some relationships are valuable, even if they end or change.
- Some relationships are only right for a certain amount of time.

Could Jax fulfill his fantasy of having a house boy? Could he even do his mid-life-crisis thing and go travelling around the world? Could you go and do your late-twenties thing and see what else is out there too? All of these things are possible.

Could you stay and have James move in? You could... but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't take that unwanted path.

The grass is always greener, and to be honest, the chances are that if James moved in, your husband would tire of having a houseboy soon enough. If he went travelling, he'd probably realise what a fool he was being soon enough, too.

Of course, he could realise that this is really what he wants. And if that is the case, why should you stay in a marriage that is no longer compatible, wasting your youth, love, time and - let's face it - hotness, on half-met dreams, whilst he fulfills all of his? Marriage is about compromise, about putting each other's needs first at times. But it is not about denying all of yours in order to let them have theirs.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Wow! Great response, Sparklepop!

It occurred to me to consider your situation from this angle, OP-- Would Jax assent to you bringing a burlier, buffer, hairier, and more forcefully dominating older man into your home for your benefit, along with James, making this a foursome arrangement?

 

[sparklepop]

Wow! Great response, Sparklepop!

It occurred to me to consider your situation from this angle, OP --

Would Jax assent to you bringing a burlier, buffer, hairier, and more forcefully dominating older man into your home for your benefit, along with James, making this a foursome arrangement?

I like this idea!! Hahaha. Now, that would be interesting, wouldn't it?

(And thank you. My response was so damn long and waffly that I was almost embarrassed to leave it!)

 

[learninginTN]

I'm so sorry your husband is behaving like this. He is totally caught up in the NRE, and his desire for teenagers is a bit disturbing. His demands are off-putting, for sure. My gut reaction would be to walk away and let him do his thing, and maybe he'll recover his from his NRE-induced fog and come back begging for forgiveness.

But I know that's much easier said than done, when you've invested a huge chunk of your life and emotional energy into someone you truly love.

I'm in a somewhat similar position myself.

Is there any way you could get him into some marriage counselling? Sometimes that disinterested third party can get someone to begin thinking of the serious repercussions of their actions, and can sometimes cause the serious introspection that can help cut through the NRE fog.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't blame you for feeling shock. I just read it and I feel like "Whoa! This is awful!" Your feelings are not unfounded. I am sorry you are hurting.

Others have already given good input. I'm going to just sum up how I understand this and give my input. So this is what the situation is:

My husband told me last month that

• he hasn’t been happy for the past YEAR(!)
• he isn’t sexually attracted to me as much as before and he didn’t love me as much as before.
• He wants James, a guy he's known 2 mos, to become our house boy/slave boy and live permanently with us
• he wants to travel the world (literally selling everything we have).
• I must accept it, or we should split because he wants to be a dominant top with a submissive slave boy. It is a dealbreaker for him.

I am

• upset (for many reasons)
• not willing to have James move in.
• not willing to sell everything and travel like that
• feeling like he's some stranger I cannot recognize
• feeling not safe in this situation.
• feeling devalued and our relationship devalued ("I can’t understand why he is doing this to me. How can he put our relationship on the table like this?")
• feeling confused from his mixed messages. (He wants all those things above, but "He says he still loves me, and wants this threesome arrangement to work, and that he wants both of us. " But he approaches me with less than loving behavior. Behavior I find upsetting and confusing. )

A good Dominant understands the care and keeping of a sub. No sub? Don't get to be a dom. You can only dom ethically within the framework that's been established and negotiated with the sub. This sounds like it steps outside your framework. It's beyond rude and selfish. It's sounding crazy, unsafe. Is he well?

At this point, you could just say no. Put the brakes on this. You will hurt either way, so save yourself from more incoming pain.

Some choices in life are not "win/lose" but "This stinks, and that stinks. So which stinks the least?"

I'd go with not dealing with James in your house, not dealing with traveling the world. Those do not sound fun for you, so do not reach toward those things. Plain and simple. That is your personal limitation.

He seems more willing to pursue this adventure than to stay in this relationship. He knows it's not even logic, but can't control it.

Has he emotionally abandoned you? Has he not been present in the relationship, if all this stuff is news to you? A year is a lot. Was he telling you all along, and you did not want to listen? Or he did not bother to make you aware of his changing wants, needs, and limits at all?

I was wondering about his mental health too, because I was reading and thinking, "Dude! Is this guy even ok in his mental health? All this stuff sounds over the top!" When was Jax's last health check up?

You could respond with something like this:

"I love you. I do not love THIS. This plan sounds over the top to me. You have known James only 2 months. You want him to move in. You want to sell all our stuff and become a world traveler. This is impulsive stuff I do not care for.​

​

I would like to request you get a health check up. Even you say this is not logical and cannot control it. You seem out of control, so get a health screening. If you are not well, let's find out before making major life decisions. ​

​

If you are unwilling to get a screening, and you insist on this, and want it to be a dealbreaker, then my regretful answer sadly has to be NO. Deal broken, then. ​

​

I am just not willing to get myself into a situation like that. I am responsible for looking out for my own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Your offer doesn't sound healthy for me. Offer declined. Thank you." ​

You may not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life without him, but you will not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life with him under these conditions. You can choose to love him from a safer place, out of the line of fire, if he's hellbent on crazy self-destructive or relationship-destructive things.

Either way, there will be some pain, so pick the choice that pains you least. Choose your own best health and your own well-being. Choose to put your own oxygen mask on first.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Wow. This is awful. But you got great advice from the members above. I am sorry for your pain. Starting over sucks, but it's so worth it. I left my husband at age 54 (he was 56) and I am so very glad I did! If I can do it, anyone can.

Good luck and cyberhugs.

 

[Jeteo]

Thank you, everyone, for your replies. I will read them through, and reply, and give you an update on my current situation. It's good to know that I might not be the problem; he simply changed, or decided to change.

 

[Jeteo]

At 37, Jax sought out an 18 year old.
At 47, he did it again.
How did relationships prior to you end for your husband? Do you wonder what will happen to James in 10 years and/or is this a pattern slowly becoming apparent to you?
and this is the first time in 10 years you've seen him behave this way? Is it possible he is having mental issues or something traumatic has triggered this?

This is the longest relationship he ever had. The 2nd longest was 9 months, so it's not a habit. Yes, I wonder if James will have the same end, but right now I'm more concerned about myself and couldn't care less about what might happen to dear James.

In your place, I would certainly not try to make it work, but you might want to see if he's willing to go to couples counseling first before talking about James moving in.

He is very stubborn and has refused going to couple's counseling or even alone. He really thinks this is OK. He keeps saying, "You have nothing to worry about."

Of course he should be able to express what he wants. Expressing sounds like this: "This might be very difficult for you to hear. I have reached a stage in my life where I have realised there is something I desperately want/need. I want/need a 24/7 D/s dynamic and I would like to have someone who lives with me, or us, who can fulfill this role. Is this something you could consider?"

Actually it started like that. But every "No" I gave was being ignored or postponed for consideration. If it wasn't such a big deal,he would have been able to quit on the idea, but he hasn't.

Demanding is this:
"I want a slave/houseboy. I'm in love with this new boy and he has to come and move in with us. If you don't like this idea, you can leave."

That came a bit after,in different words, pretty much like "But I want him too,and I want you as well,otherwise I might have to let you go because I really want him and I think you can take better care of yourself than he can." This while reassuring me that he loves me more... yet willing to let me go, according to him to "avoid hurting you even more than what I have". Well... what about stopping this crap?

This is NRE gone mental.
I believe that NRE is not actually the process of falling in love with someone *else*... it's the process of falling in love with *yourself*. We feel NRE because this new person makes *us* feel good. In your husband's case, James makes him feel hot, because he's a young guy and it convinces your husband that he's still attractive at 47.

He has confirmed that's how he feels, that he was surprised someone that young/cute was interested in him and that triggered this need to make his fantasy come true.

He says he doesn't love you as much, doesn't find you as attractive, so he wants to move a younger guy in, and thinks that is acceptable?

Indeed. The times I managed to break all contact between them, in less than 24 hours, Jax was depressed, saying, "I don't know how to fix our relationship." After fighting and crying, I'd have to agree, "Ok, I'll give it a try," and then he'd be fine again! Just like a kid when he doesn't get his toy.

If Jax really wants this, but still wants you and values your marriage, he'd be saying, "I'd really like James to move in. I'd like you to consider this over the next 6 months and see if we can work towards it. I must warn you that if you cannot, my needs may not be met and this might cause me to reconsider our compatibility."

It's supposed to be a trial. He says I should give it a try and we'll fix problems as we go along. But I no longer trust him, since he changes terms and conditions and boundaries as he sees fit. I fear/know that even if it comes to me saying, "No, this is impossible for me," I'm the one who will have to leave.

What worries me is that you might spend another 10 years with Jax. He might swan off around the world with James, or another younger boy. You'll come out of a 20-year relationship. You'll be 38. No doubt, you'll still be hot. But you'll have missed so many opportunities.

I really hope I can't withstand that much pain for another 10 years.

Could Jax fulfill his fantasy of having a house boy? Could he even do his mid-life-crisis thing and go travelling around the world?

In order to make him happy, I'm going to take the risk, probably at the expense of my own happiness and mental health.

The grass is always greener... Chances are that if James moved in, Jax would tire of having a houseboy soon enough. If he went travelling, he'd probably realise what a fool he was being soon enough, too.

I suggested we do a smaller trip, as a test, because I bet he would get fucking bored from being on the road for 1 month, sleeping in a RV. He always complains about his back (office work), and being on the road for a month, little to no internet access, crappy food, bad mattress. That is probably going to save my marriage. lol.

Wow. Great response, Sparklepop. Would your husband assent to you bringing a burlier, buffer, hairier, and more forcefully dominating older man into your home for your benefit, along with James, making this a foursome arrangement?

I did suggest it, but guess the answer. "No." You can't really reason with a Dom person. Especially not while he's under NRE.

Has he emotionally abandoned you? Has he not been present in the relationship if all this stuff is news to you? A year is a lot. Was he telling you all along and you were not wanting to listen? Or he did not bother to make you aware of his changing wants, needs, and limits at all?

He really did not give any signs. He told me he kept it to himself, and cried alone when I wasn't looking. I don't even know if it's true or if it's his excuse to pursue this adventure. I think he is trying to find justifications to pursue something that he knows is stupid.

When was your husband's last health check up?

I suggested therapy, even couple's counseling, but he refused it right away. Crazy people don't think they are crazy, right? Sometimes he even makes me wonder if I am the crazy one for not agreeing with his thoughts.

You may not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life without him, but you will not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life with him, under these conditions! You can choose to love him from a safer place, that is out of the line of fire, if he's hellbent on crazy self-destructive or relationship-destructive things.

Truth is that if I leave him, I can never get back together with him. I already have no self respect. He tried to break up and I begged him not to. A partner should never have to beg for anything. I lost all self respect when I begged on my knees.

 

[opalescent]

Oh Jeteo, this is heartbreaking. I feel terrible for you.

A few points. He's not being a Dom. He's being an idiot. A Dom, even one in the middle of extreme NRE, takes notice of his sub's concerns. This is unacceptable behavior for anyone. A good Dom is supposed to care for your welfare too, not just what his dick wants.

Also, he appears unwilling to change anything or to listen to you. Or go to therapy or do anything that challenges what he wants to do. He is going to do what he is going to do. He is deep in some hellish combination of selfishness, mid-life crisis, cute boy syndrome, and NRE. And he is not smart enough or self-aware enough to see the life preserver you are throwing him.

I'm so sorry. This is going to be hard to read.

Your marriage is over.

You didn't deserve this. You didn't do anything to cause it. It is not your fault. You've attempted to find a compromise. One is not possible with him right now.

It's time to save yourself.

It's time to leave, Jeteo. Why now? Why not try the travel and living with the 18-year old?

Because of this statement--

You may not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life without him, but you will not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life WITH him under these conditions! You can choose to love him from a safer place, that is OUT of the line of fire if he's hell bent on crazy self destructive or relationship destructive things.

If I leave him, I can never get back together with him. I already have no self respect. He tried to break up and I begged him not to. A partner should never have to beg for anything. I lost all self respect when I begged on my knees.

A spouse should never lose self-respect on behalf of a partner. Never. I know you love him, married him, and want to stay with him. But he has already left you and this marriage. You are begging over a corpse, and a part of you already knows this.

It is never ok to self-destruct for a partner. It is NEVER EVER OK to make yourself less than who you are for a partner. You are worth so much more than this.

The only thing you can control is your actions. Act to preserve your sanity and well-being, your life. I am very serious. Staying in this marriage under these conditions is destructive to you. It is soul destroying.

Please, for the sake of your soul, leave.

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

Opalescent put it better than I could. I completely agree.

Since you say you've lost self-respect, now is the time to start re-building your self-respect by choosing self-respecting behaviors. Do not go along with his crazy plans and schemes. Do not give in to his manipulations and gaslighting. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

Leave the situation and start taking care of yourself. I understand that you love him, so it's going to be really difficult, but he is not showing you love at all in any of this. You will be okay on your own. And it's okay to fall back on friends and family as needed also. And get individual therapy!

 

[BoringGuy]

This is the longest relationship he ever had. The 2nd longest was 9 months, so it's not a habit. Yes, I wonder if James will have the same end, but right now I'm more concerned about myself and couldn't care less about what will happen to dear James.

I can't tell you how refreshing it is to hear that. So many people in your position are trying to protect everyone else, they fail to take care of number one. Have no doubt that whatever outcome this has, you yourself will be just fine in the long run, as long as you look out for your own well-being first.

I did suggest it, but guess the answer? "No." You can't really reason with a Dom person. Especially not while under NRE.

Yes, you can reason with a Dom, NRE or not. You cannot however reason with a 47-year-old adolescent. A "Dom" has nothing to do with being unreasonable. D/s doesn't mean that the sub has to put up with whatever infantile bullshit the Dom feels like dealing out that day of the week.

 

[GalaGirl]

Truth is that if I leave him, I can never get back together with him. I already have no self respect. He tried to break up and I begged him not to. A partner should never have to beg for anything, I lost all self respect when I begged on my knees.

To me, that sounds like you went into shock. Don't worry so much about what you do in the heat of the moment, in shock, when you are just not in the right frame of mind. Worry more about getting back into a sensible frame of mind and making clear, sensible decisions that are in the interest of your own health and well-being.

This is going to suck either way. No doubt about it. Choose the path of least suckage. Choose to leave this situation and letting him deal with whatever wacky he wants to chase.

• He wants to live with James? Great. Go live with James at James's house then. You are not living with James. He is free. So are you.
• He wants to sell his things and go travel? Great. Split up your things. He sells his things. You keep your things. He can go. You are not going. He is free. So are you.

But say "No" to this madness for yourself. You do not have to participate in things that do not interest you. (I know that is an understatement.)

If you truly think he is suffering from anosognosia, where he is ill, loopy in the head, and does not realize he is ill and loopy, it will be very hard to deal with, especially if he does not want to go get treatment. Do you think you are looking at involuntary commitment?

Is he a danger to himself or others? Is he depressed? Manic, up and down, bipolar? First, with the crying in the night and then this "Wheee!" fantasy of selling everything he has? Clearly this is bad, but you are the one who is there to know how bad it is. It's hard to tell from a distance online.

But dx or not, on the James/world travel front, it's still a big fat no for you, right? So go with the "No, I will NOT be a part of this." And let that be what it will be. He wants to break up over it and be wacky, so be it. He wants to yell at you because you "won't let him" do wacky -- fine. Yell.

Ignore him for a bit. Get yourself into a healthier space first. Then determine the next choice that is on your plate:

• If you need to deal with some serious healthcare actions, prepare.
• If you are just done, be done and walk away. Alert his next of kin and save yourself.

Galagirl

 

[RfromRMC]

I got to this thread late. There's been lots of good advice already.

Suffice to say, this is not polyamory. This is part Dirty Old Man Syndrome, part Asshole-itis, and you need to free yourself from this creep as fast as possible.

It is not ethical non-monogamy when someone pushes another person around to accept a multiple-person arrangement. And then the fact that he would say no if you found another partner you like just says he's a plain hypocrite. Point blank period. This dude just sounds like bad news.

 

[sparklepop]

Ah Jeteo,

What you do is your decision. I know that you aren't going to make a decision based on a group of internet strangers. But, I do hope that you take the advice in and bear it in mind when you make your decision.

I agree with everything everyone else has said in response to your last post here and your overall thread.

Yes, a sexually dominant person can have a dominant (even domineering) personality. But a*good* Dom also has traits such as patience, responsibility, humility. I am a Domme and whilst asserting control is a part of my personality, I cannot act like a spoilt child simply because I am sexually dominant. I would never dream of wanting to.

My GF's husband has quite a submissive 'personality' and the two of them have gotten themselves into a cycle after ten years where she pretty much calls the shots and he follows. The fact that she isn't like that with me tells me that it's not all her. I refuse to follow, I stand up for myself and my own beliefs, and this means that we don't have the same dynamic as the two of them have.

If you let yourself be treated a certain way, you will be treated a certain way. It doesn't matter that you got down on your knees. We are all capable of begging in some form when we are scared. It doesn't matter how you've been in the past. What matters is where you are now.

So you have two choices. Go with what he wants, and give in to James moving in. Accept that making that decision is going to continue to put you underneath your husband's thumb for the duration of your marriage. Accept that saying yes to something you absolutely do not want is going to place all future decisions in your husband's hands.

Second choice is to stand up now and either leave, move out, or refuse to have James live with you. Accept that making that decision will be scary and difficult. Accept that making that decision is going to empower you to find your own self-worth and find someone who will actually understand what a marriage is all about-- partnership.

 

[AnnabelMore]

"You can't really reason with a Dom person."

Yeah, I know this one's been beaten to death already, but I gotta chime in. My roommates are in a 24/7 TPE marriage. I've chatted at length and played with a woman who won the International Ms. Leather competition. I've been involved with a lovely Canadian man with nearly 20 years of experience as a dom. (He even makes his own toys.) Not to mention that my gf is also my Domme. (Though admittedly we're still building our dynamic.)

My pont is, I know from doms. They're people, and nothing about them is inherently unreasonable, since being reasonable is merely a matter of being able to listen and genuinely respond to another person, which is, in fact, exactly the sensitivity and insight that makes for the best, cruelest, most intense domination, imho. The kind that knows just how to get inside you and flay you open because they understand you. Errr, *cough* I may be getting off topic.

Anyways, I'm sure some doms are impossible to reason with. But y'know what? I bet they'd be that way even if they were vanilla clones of themselves. It sure isn't like vanilla people are immune from being unreasonable. Don't let this guy get off the hook for being impossible to reason with just because you think it's part of who he is as a dom! It's who he is as a person.

 

[Jeteo]

Time for an update: 3 weeks ago, after Jax nearly broke up with me, many fights, many tears and some broken glass, he finally kicked James out of our lives! It was extremely hard to make him do it. Fortunately the boy made some mistakes that worked in my favor, such as buying a webcam for porn shows. He even told me, "Go fuck yourself."

Eventually my husband understood that he had to stop changing rules every time James fucked up, so he told him things weren't going to work, because James and I clash too much. Now, I wish he would have admitted it was because James is a mess, but even after all this, Jax STILL wanted to remain friends with him, which I know would again lead to James being once again "considered" in a full time position for a triad. He even said "Ok, you guys don't like each other, but I'm attracted to him. Could I meet him alone, just for sex?" Seriously?

Conclusion: he isn't having contact with James, not as far as I can tell. I've been monitoring WhatsApp and Skype, and since James didn't block me on either of those (but I asked him to block Jax) it doesn't seem like they've been having any contact for the past 3 weeks. However, Jax works as a freelancer and sometimes spends 4 nights of the week out. While I don't think they are meeting (James lives very far), I don't know if they are talking on the phone or emailing.

So, now that James is out, it leaves me with the other part of the problem: that my husband told me that he wasn't sexually attracted to me, which really hurt me. I'm young, attractive, I'm working out and making progress. It really hurt me when he said he wasn't sexually attracted to me.

Ever since, sex has become a big deal for me. When we don't have sex (and since he is usually gone for half the week) it makes me feel "in danger", that something is wrong. Before James, we used to have sex once or twice a week, which isn't much, but I got used to it. Now, well... we did it 3 times this month (March), so that doesn't even make it once a week.

Since it's only been 3 weeks sine he broke contact with James (and he didn't want to do it), I imagine that he is hurt and stressed. But I'm also hurt and stressed! It stresses me that he wanks twice a day, when he has a pretty good husband who would like to have sex. It stresses me that when he wakes up at 6am (and I'm clean and ready) all he says is "Good morning. Go back to sleep," and goes to the other room and wanks.

I feel that now that I know that our relationship was/is in danger, I evaluate everything to the most minute detail. Maybe I'm seeing problems where there aren't any.