How do I even start to explain??

[dingedheart]

And yes you're right, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would want to know what my husband was feeling or thinking. I guess I'm still coming to terms with my poly nature, as it hadn't occurred to me before.

To follow this train of thought I'd play out as many poly scenarios as you can in your head. All the what if's. whats if's about relationship structure, time ..time management, Nre ...theres a week of what ifs alone . what if I lose sexual interest in my husband, what he loses interest in me, what if's on money., what ifs on accidental pregnancy, what ifs on a planned pregnancy etc etc etc and then plan on the one you didnt think of happening to you or to one of the relationships.

All of this will turn my world upside down too so I'm mentally preparing myself for all of that. But I also know that I cannot deny my feeling this way, otherwise this experience will end up repeating itself somewhere down the road and I don't want that to happen.

Personally I think think the key part and the platform for your conversation should be this " I cannot deny my feeling this way, otherwise this experience will end up repeating itself somewhere down the road and I don't want that to happen." I have romantic attractions and when they grow deep enough I need to act on them. And yes sex is going to be a part of that.


One thing id advise against is making large/grand statements of love, I love you the same today, all quantitative love comparisons too, commitment, forever ness, soulmate stuff , etc . Why because its not going to mean much and those words will then need to be backed up with actions and many times/often NRE has a way of getting in the way and actually making you look like a liar and or proving the opposite.

Imo the worse thing that can happen is he poses a what if and you quickly reply that wont happen ....and then a week or a month or (X) amount of time later it actually happens.

Your situation reminds me of another member/friend Hoyam....married 10yr ish ...2-3 kids and fell in love with a guy on vacation out of the clear blue. You should look her up and read all her threads and see how she dealt with some of these issues ...Ill send her a pm and an outside email to see if she's still around and might have some advice for you.

 

[FallenAngelina]

You are having bigger things going on in your life and poly is only part of it. Important part, maybe, but not the core issue here, I think.

This is the sense I get as well. You find yourself deeply drawn to another man who reflects where you're heading but you're also connected to your husband who reflects from where you come. "Poly" is just an idea that allows you to embrace both perspectives: Your honoring of your past and your many questions about these very strong religious foundational tenants of your upbringing. Your screen name says it all. I'd take so much focus off of these relationships and just let them be who they are to you. The person to focus on is you and your calling to learn more about different ways of seeing the world. The relationships will reflect your journey.

 

[GalaGirl]

I brought up the idea of poly to him, not linking it to our situation at all just saying what other people do. He is 100% against it. He feels quite passionate about it.

At this time husband is not into poly and does not sound likely to be willing to participate in a polyship. That is ok. He is allowed to have his preferences for his relationship shapes.

Did you also ask if he is willing and able to listen/talk about your inner life as you go through this awakening and get to know yourself as a poly person? Is that part of the marriage agreements between you? That spouses provide safe space for the other spouse to talk about vulnerable stuff?

That is a separate but closely related topic to me.

You do not sound like you have brought this up to him because you seem fearful. What is the fear coming from? Does he not provide safe space for you as spouse? You do not like being vulnerable and laid open bare? Both? Something else?

If it is other topics and not poly, do you feel confident going to your spouse to talk about vulnerable stuff? Does he provide safe space for you to do it in then?

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

I get the feeling the husband was answering a general question not knowing that poly or open are if not already in his house at the very least knocking on his door. Once this becomes very personal and he inputs what all the ramifications will be he might change his stance.

When the bf came to town for that visit did he meet your husband ...or did husband know he was in town and that you were meeting him???

 

[Journeyofawakening]

At this time husband is not into poly and does not sound likely to be willing to participate in a polyship. That is ok. He is allowed to have his preferences for his relationship shapes.

Did you also ask if he is willing and able to listen/talk about your inner life as you go through this awakening and get to know yourself as a poly person? Is that part of the marriage agreements between you? That spouses provide safe space for the other spouse to talk about vulnerable stuff?

That is a separate but closely related topic to me.

You do not sound like you have brought this up to him because you seem fearful. What is the fear coming from? Does he not provide safe space for you as spouse? You do not like being vulnerable and laid open bare? Both? Something else?

If it is other topics and not poly, do you feel confident going to your spouse to talk about vulnerable stuff? Does he provide safe space for you to do it in then?

Galagirl

All of this is a very good point and has made me realise, that no i don't feel like I have a safe space to talk about vulnerable stuff. I've been trying to discuss with him the changes I am going through in my spiritual life and he just...shuts me down. I'll try to explain about something I've read that has made me think about things in a different way and I just get arguments against it. He often has an argument for everything. I'm not sure if it's just because that's the way it is or because of the whole "men are the head of the household" in the Christian religion. I don't know. But it is an issue. I am fearful of talking to him about it because I think he will be close-minded, and because I don't want to hurt him. Im a people pleaser by nature (working on that...) and care too much what people think of me. So I guess that is the element that makes me feel vulnerable.

I'm actually feeling really at peace with the changes in my spiritual life which I'm so happy about. I've discussed them in great length with my mum (a devout Christian) but not with my husband. He doesn't seem to care much?? I thiiiink I have relationship issues to deal with. Thank you for highlighting them

 

[GalaGirl]

You sound willing to think on it so I will ask other clarifying questions in case they help you sort your thoughts out some.

He often has an argument for everything.

What is "argument?" Can you give an example? Because it is hard to tell if he puts out an argument, or you take it as argument. Or a bit of both. Do either do defensive listening?

Does he have a personality that is gruff and comes across as argumentative?

Is he one of those personalities that stiff arms anything new and says "no" because he doesn't feel good saying "yes" and it takes forever to get to try new things? Be it a new recipe or new restaurant or...? Like a dozen "no" times before it becomes "well , maybe one day" and a dozen rounds of that before "Fine! We'll do it because you want to" type?

I'm not sure if it's just because that's the way it is or because of the whole "men are the head of the household" in the Christian religion.

Is this how it is in your home? He is the head of household and you are expected to go with his leadership? Or are you co-leaders in the home? Or some other model?

I am fearful of talking to him about it because I think he will be close-minded, and because I don't want to hurt him.

Is that you selling him short a bit? Or is that an accurate assessment from past experiences with him talking about other things? He is close-minded, and then gets uncomfortable with the conversation and blames you that he feels yucky?

Im a people pleaser by nature (working on that...) and care too much what people think of me.

I think it is natural to want your spouse to hold you in good esteem, respect your opinion, etc. But it can go too far in the sense that to keep it you stop expressing any opinions at all.

I think before you move on to the poly topic, you might want to spend some time on this since it seems to be an issue. The one of "I don't feel safe telling my spouse my vulnerable inner life stuff." Whether the problem lies what you need to become more willing to TELL or what he needs to be more willing to LISTEN is something you have to discern with him.

If your spouse is neglecting knowing all of you, or not interested in knowing all of you... it can lead to feeling empty. Like the closest person to you isn't all that interested in you.

Poly has a way of magnifying all the cracks... so before moving on with poly talks, I suggest you make sure you come from strong foundations.


Galagirl

 

[Journeyofawakening]

You sound willing to think on it so I will ask other clarifying questions in case they help you sort your thoughts out some.




Gala girl

I may have to answer all of that in a pm if I may? I feel like I've already pulled my husbands character apart in a public place enough! Perhaps too much in fact. eep! It wasn't my intention as I certainly don't blame him for everyone, I have faults too

 

[kdt26417]

Could it be it's just his personality type? I recently took a test where four personality colors can be identified: Red, Blue, White, and Yellow. Yellow is the playful personality, White just wants things to be peaceful, Blue is altruistic and wants to do the right thing, Red is strong, assertive, energetic, and wants to be in control. Perhaps your husband is in the Red category? There's no right or wrong in being this color or that color, they all have their pros and cons.

 

[Kerala]

I may have to answer all of that in a pm if I may? I feel like I've already pulled my husbands character apart in a public place enough! Perhaps too much in fact. eep!

As long as there is no reasonable chance that his name is disclosed and linked to this forum this fear seems a bit unrealistic to me.
What would be his reaction, if he finds out what you have written about him (apart from the poly issue)? Would he be fine with it, because you struggle to find ways to deal with him and it is anonymous. Would he be interested, what you think of him? Or would he be angry about you are not in awe about every aspect of his personality.

It wasn't my intention as I certainly don't blame him for everyone, I have faults too

You can put these lines as a disclaimer below any discussion about relationship topics .

 

[bassman]

Could it be it's just his personality type? I recently took a test where four personality colors can be identified: Red, Blue, White, and Yellow. Yellow is the playful personality, White just wants things to be peaceful, Blue is altruistic and wants to do the right thing, Red is strong, assertive, energetic, and wants to be in control. Perhaps your husband is in the Red category? There's no right or wrong in being this color or that color, they all have their pros and cons.

Been through many of those corporate training courses where you are expected to put people in boxes, - I think putting people IN boxes dilutes their value and you start expecting them to behave like they should because they are in that box. ?

 

[bassman]

I think you are going through what I went through with the church. You are beginning to think FOR YOURSELF, and it is very good, except that it is the enemy of any church.

Some posters in this thread have articulated very gracefully, the process and the pain and the learning and growing and joy that happens when you start removing the shackles that the church want to bind you by.

In my opinion, they want to control our lives. They induce fear of the unknown, epically death, and then play on that fear to exert control over you and your family.

Your hub might be in the same thinking mode as my boys mum .... That is.... Let's imagine all the things that might go wrong, and spend a lot of time and energy reducing the risks. One way to do that , is to take a set of rules and abide by them. In this case, the (sic) rules that the church delivery every Sunday, every home church meet, bible class , and so on....

Well, things still go wrong !!! life isn't like that.

Your hub is in that mode, rejecting any risk, and perhaps in his thinking, the way to keep your marriage is to keep it closed and "forsake all others". (I'm pretty sure you might have had that in your ceremony, funny how it's ok for god to included everywhere though"??).....

but.. there is also risk in doing nothing, especially now !!

Anyway....

You are where I was 6 or 7 years ago..... You start to think " but WHY can't I try this, or try that", and "WHY can't we do this or that" .... And you are definitely not allowed to stand up in church and ask questions !!!

And here's a big question most on here have asked, " why, exactly, CANT I love more than one person?? " and then it follows, " but Why CANT I be loved by more than one person" .....

If you sit back and look at those two questions, you will soon see that it is crazy that the church forbids this, isn't it ? what, because of their book and because it says so ???

 

[GalaGirl]

Sure, you can PM.

But I didn't think you were pulling your spouse's character apart.

I thought you were just trying to figure out what behaviors you could change in you, and what behaviors you could ask him to change in him so you guys get on better. That doesn't mean he stinks as a person. Just that you would like other behaviors instead. It doesn't have to be a big deal to tell a spouse "Hey, you know when you do ____? Could you be willing to do ___ instead? Thanks!"

Life is long, we all age. What worked in a 20's couple might not work in a 40's or 60's couple. YKWIM?

Galagirl

 

[Journeyofawakening]

Sure, you can PM.

But I didn't think you were pulling your spouse's character apart.

I thought you were just trying to figure out what behaviors you could change in you, and what behaviors you could ask him to change in him so you guys get on better. That doesn't mean he stinks as a person. Just that you would like other behaviors instead. It doesn't have to be a big deal to tell a spouse "Hey, you know when you do ____? Could you be willing to do ___ instead? Thanks!"

Life is long, we all age. What worked in a 20's couple might not work in a 40's or 60's couple. YKWIM?

Galagirl

Okay, thank you. So there you go that is another mindset that needs changing. That a wife should accept her husband for exactly who he is and just work around it. I will look back over your questions and give them some proper thought before I respond.

We have both changed in various ways since we were first together. We were also married young and we got engaged and married incredibly quickly. I don't fully regret it but I wish I had taken the time to figure myself out and get myself in a good place rather than relying on a partner to make me feel like a complete person or bring peace to my life. If there is one lesson I want to teach my kids it is that, don't rely on others for those things.

 

[Journeyofawakening]

I think you are going through what I went through with the church. You are beginning to think FOR YOURSELF, and it is very good, except that it is the enemy of any church.

Some posters in this thread have articulated very gracefully, the process and the pain and the learning and growing and joy that happens when you start removing the shackles that the church want to bind you by.

In my opinion, they want to control our lives. They induce fear of the unknown, epically death, and then play on that fear to exert control over you and your family.

Your hub might be in the same thinking mode as my boys mum .... That is.... Let's imagine all the things that might go wrong, and spend a lot of time and energy reducing the risks. One way to do that , is to take a set of rules and abide by them. In this case, the (sic) rules that the church delivery every Sunday, every home church meet, bible class , and so on....

Well, things still go wrong !!! life isn't like that.

Your hub is in that mode, rejecting any risk, and perhaps in his thinking, the way to keep your marriage is to keep it closed and "forsake all others". (I'm pretty sure you might have had that in your ceremony, funny how it's ok for god to included everywhere though"??).....

but.. there is also risk in doing nothing, especially now !!

Anyway....

You are where I was 6 or 7 years ago..... You start to think " but WHY can't I try this, or try that", and "WHY can't we do this or that" .... And you are definitely not allowed to stand up in church and ask questions !!!

And here's a big question most on here have asked, " why, exactly, CANT I love more than one person?? " and then it follows, " but Why CANT I be loved by more than one person" .....

If you sit back and look at those two questions, you will soon see that it is crazy that the church forbids this, isn't it ? what, because of their book and because it says so ???

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I have now started thinking for myself and not trying to be the person I'm expected to be. I've spoken to my mom about the fact that I'm leaving the church. She has been very understanding and we had some good theological debates on various topics. She's relayed the info to my dad who apparently has 'theories' on why I've done this haha but he can think what he likes.

The thing that concerns me with my husband is he doesn't really seem bothered about what I believe? He's struggled with the church too for some time but mostly because he finds it hard to relate to the people there but mostly because he is an entrepreneur and they all seem to think Christians should stay poor.

So I don't think he's closed-minded or anything but you're right, there are risks in everything. I've tried explaining to him that I am bisexual but I think he just comes up with 'arguments' (related to what I have said previously) as to why he thinks I feel that. Because my health is suffering right now so perhaps it's hormonal/chemical blah blah blah. Perhaps arguments is the wrong word. Perhaps justifications is a better one. So I feel that if I say I am poly, he will just come up with justifications for that too.

 

[Nadya]

All of this is a very good point and has made me realise, that no i don't feel like I have a safe space to talk about vulnerable stuff. I've been trying to discuss with him the changes I am going through in my spiritual life and he just...shuts me down. I'll try to explain about something I've read that has made me think about things in a different way and I just get arguments against it. He often has an argument for everything.

Let me guess... the arguments are exactly those phrases you hear in your church meetings regularly? The answers your church gives to all possible life issues? And now, you have started to question those exact answers, trying to find the meaning behind them or outside them. You are trying to discuss these exact statements and your husband refuses to do so. That is no kind of a discussion at all. I might be wrong in your case, but that was my experience about discussing with people in my church back at that time.

I'm not sure if it's just because that's the way it is or because of the whole "men are the head of the household" in the Christian religion. I don't know. But it is an issue. I am fearful of talking to him about it because I think he will be close-minded, and because I don't want to hurt him.

Again, with my background I interpret this as follows: He is afraid of independent thinking, because the church has told him it will lead to eternal damnation. He wants to shut down not only your words but actually your thinking - because thinking is dangerous, it will lead you to hell. The fear here is so huge that it is difficult to understand if you do not have experience about it.

I'm actually feeling really at peace with the changes in my spiritual life which I'm so happy about. I've discussed them in great length with my mum (a devout Christian) but not with my husband. He doesn't seem to care much?? I thiiiink I have relationship issues to deal with. Thank you for highlighting them

Well, sounds like your mother has a different approach to religion than your husband. Glad you can discuss these issues with someone! You really do sound so much like me some ten years ago... I was so happy of the changes in my spirituality, the deepening of understanding -- and then it totally blew up with my parents and my church. I am afraid that in your situation your newfound clarity might blow up your relationship with your husband. Wishing all the best to you. Keep strong in your own path!

ETA: Did not see your response to bassman... we were writing the same time. Anyway, will leave my reaponse as it was written - talking from my own experience here.

 

[Journeyofawakening]

Let me guess... the arguments are exactly those phrases you hear in your church meetings regularly? The answers your church gives to all possible life issues? And now, you have started to question those exact answers, trying to find the meaning behind them or outside them. You are trying to discuss these exact statements and your husband refuses to do so. That is no kind of a discussion at all. I might be wrong in your case, but that was my experience about discussing with people in my church back at that time.

Mostly yes. We have both grown up in church so it's all we know. It really is a conditioning when it begins from early on in life. I think that's why teens who have grown up in church very often rebel! I rebelled age 18 when I went to to university. I went back to God and the church after that because it was my security blanket and I thought it would make me happy. Again, relying on the external and other people to bring me peace and happiness.

The issue I have with my husband is that he doesn't seem keen to discuss any of it at all. I can't even figure out how he's feeling about everything spiritually for himself! He's so wrapped up in work and earning money that he doesn't seem to have much time for anything else. It's a bit sad really.

Again, with my background I interpret this as follows: He is afraid of independent thinking, because the church has told him it will lead to eternal damnation. He wants to shut down not only your words but actually your thinking - because thinking is dangerous, it will lead you to hell. The fear here is so huge that it is difficult to understand if you do not have experience about it.

Perhaps...but as I said above I can't get out of him how he is feeling about his spiritual beliefs. But my views are changing on things so when I mentioned anything about hypnotism it was an instant "hypnotism is wrong" (I used to think this...it's what I've been told...) with no discussion on the subject. When I ask why he thinks that it's just that it opens the mind to dangerous things, for evil and the enemy to enter. It's like an insta-response from church conditioning. So it's hard trying to discuss anything with him when he's like that!! Which is why I am taking my time with the poly stuff.

Well, sounds like your mother has a different approach to religion than your husband. Glad you can discuss these issues with someone! You really do sound so much like me some ten years ago... I was so happy of the changes in my spirituality, the deepening of understanding -- and then it totally blew up with my parents and my church. I am afraid that in your situation your newfound clarity might blow up your relationship with your husband. Wishing all the best to you. Keep strong in your own path!

To be honest...I'm not bothered what people in my church think. Well it's not my church anymore, I won't be going back as a member. I've not formed deep relationships with people there except for one couple who are leaving anyway for other reasons. I'm bothered about my family though. They will be accepting of my spiritual views as long as they don't think I'm doing anything dangerous. They will carry on praying for me though ha! But I don't think they are going to be quite so accepting over poly. My mom already pointed out she's worried about my marriage, and said that I made a commitment to him and I need to work at it.

I don't think my husbands views about monogamy necessarily stem from what the church says, I think it's mostly society. Or perhaps a mixture of the two.

 

[bassman]

I am sooooo encouraged by your responses !!

I am on holiday here in Australia and my sister in law has been through a Christian upbringing, many decades of church going , to thinking for herself.,she said her biggest moment came the day she accepted that we just don't know what happens when we die. That's when the church had no more hold over her.

If your hub is an entrepreneiur, that's encouraging too, it will foster thinking for himself, and also shows willing to take some risks !!

With me, I fell in love with someone, and though I knew it was a huge risk, I asked my wife for consent to my relationship . It was enough for her to divorce me, but I wanted to get away from the church controlling me through her anyway.


Keep thinking !!!!

 

[Magdlyn]

Journey, I don't know if you went to the thread on our Spirituality forum that I mentioned, started by AphroditeGoneAwry. Her situation was different from yours, because she had been exploring pagan spirituality, but had converted to a strict form of fundamentalist Xtianity. Her words on how humans are really sheep and need a Lord were disturbing to say the least.

That kind of thought control might have worked in 700 BCE or during medieval times, but in this day and age I just do not know how anyone can buy into it. I guess some people are just so afraid to think for themselves, they can't make any decisions on their own.

Did you know it was illegal for laypeople to own Bibles in the early years of the church? Did you know the first person to translate the Bible from Latin to English was executed by the church?

Church leaders of olden days knew the Bible was full of holes, and when read, actually encouraged independent thinking. Read the questioning books of Job and Ecclesiastes, the goddess based and highly sexual Song of Songs. Notice the differences in ways of thought when the same story is told twice, in Chronicles and Deuteronomy. Read of the way Josiah killed off worshipers of a Hebrew female deity Asherah.

Oh, you've never heard of Asherah? That is because her holy name was translated as "pole" in the King James, and other versions, of the Bible. Her image was carved onto wooden poles and put in groves and on sacred mountains. Translators purposely hid references to her in the Bible by called Asherah and her images "poles." Her worship was wiped out by extreme force when Judah was under attack by Babylon. Leaders in Jerusalem tried a last resort of placating Yahweh (as opposed to Asherah, who was then seen as Yahweh's consort), to stave off attack. (It didn't work, of course.)

Women of that ancient time had more power, as reflected in there being mighty female deities in the region, such as Asherah, Ishtar, Isis. Once patriarchy really got going, and women lost more and more power and rights/privileges, it became forbidden in Israel for goddesses to be honored or invoked. Yahweh's priests even took over the female centered realm of childbirth! I mentioned that upthread.

The modern polyamory movement could not exist without our current feminism. Women (and gays, and transpersons) are claiming rights. One of those rights for women is to not be forced to be second class citizens to their husbands. Keep thinking for yourself. If your husband won't listen and is intensely focused on his career to the point of ignoring you, he is not even following the words of St Paul which advised men to love their wives as Christ loves his church.

 

[KC43]

Journey, one thing you said a few posts ago really stood out to me: that a wife should accept her husband as he is and work around it.

In my opinion, that can be a very damaging mindset. I've heard the same line of thinking from women in abusive marriages. "He's my husband, this is just the way he is, I just need to try harder to be a good wife." Hell, my mother said exactly that to me ("He's your husband, you have to accept him and try to be a better wife") when my ex started being abusive to me.

Note that I'm NOT saying your marriage is abusive; I see nothing at all to indicate that. I'm saying that some women who *are* abused by their spouses use that reasoning to justify the abuse and to take the blame for it on themselves. And the abusers often reinforce that. (My ex did... "I can't change and shouldn't have to. I'm a good husband, but you're a shitty wife, so you're the one who needs to change.")

In a healthy relationship, there is a growth pattern. As people age and gain more life experience, they grow as people. They learn new things in general, and new things about themselves. Something they enjoyed as a 20-something might not even remotely appeal when they're a 40-something.

And just as each individual is (hopefully) growing and changing over time, the relationship also grows and changes to accommodate it. Two people who have been married to each other for 20 years are not the same people they were when they got married, and they most likely aren't going to relate to each other the same way they did as newlyweds.

Life isn't stagnant, and in my opinion, people need to be open to change. Spouses should accept each other, but they should also encourage each other to be better, to learn and grow. If one spouse does or says something regularly that's a problem for the other spouse, the other spouse shouldn't just "accept" it, they should be free to say "Hey, that's a problem for me, let's see if we can figure out how to solve it.". And it shouldn't be one-sided; a husband owes a wife as much consideration and respect as the wife owes the husband, as far as I'm concerned.

Sorry...rant...

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't fully regret it but I wish I had taken the time to figure myself out and get myself in a good place rather than relying on a partner to make me feel like a complete person or bring peace to my life. If there is one lesson I want to teach my kids it is that, don't rely on others for those things.

My spouse does not complete me. I am already complete and whole in myself.
My spouse complements me in our shared life -- we choose to work together toward things. He also encourages me to continue to grow as an individual. As I do him.

How we were in our 20s? That's not the same as how we were when kids entered the picture. When it's empty nest time, it will change again. I can accept him as he is (ex: as a person, his values) but I can ask him to change his behaviors as things go along and change in our lives (ex: help me with the childcare, since we both made this kid. I'm in an arm cast, please help me reach things up high. I am in menopause, please be patient with me with these hot flashes, and go easy with sex since I have more sensitive bits right now)

Those are simplistic examples -- but the point is that a marriage behaviors could change over time because the people IN them change over time. Being flexible is what helps make it last. Being rigid isn't going to help that.

You might benefit from reading James Fowler's stages of faith development.

Or if you want something longer, James Fowler's Stages of Faith book or Scott McLennan Finding Your Religion.

I think that just like there are stages of physical growth (we sit, we crawl, we walk), there will be stages for emotional growth, intellectual growth, and spiritual growth.

You seem to be in a growth spurt of some kind -- maybe in a combo of areas.

You seem to be outgrowing how you previously approached your childhood faith. As you should -- even if you stay in the same tradition as an adult your understanding of it could deepen. You are not longer a child. Or you may find a new path would serve you better at this point in time. Or same faith, but new house of worship. Point is... If you have decided to leave your church, that's ok. YOU get to decide how you tend to your spiritual health and what practices you find nourishing or not. If community worship right now isn't the thing... get on to what is.

You are also examining other facets of your life -- like your marriage and the model it follows, and its expectations.

Your parenting and what you want to keep from your own upbringing and what you don't want to repeat.

It's ok to do all that. Take your time.

The issue I have with my husband is that he doesn't seem keen to discuss any of it at all.

Sounds like you want intimacy - emotional, intellectual, spiritual. And he's not offering any.

My mom already pointed out she's worried about my marriage, and said that I made a commitment to him and I need to work at it.

Well, how do you interpret "commitment to the marraige?" Here is how I do:

I made a commitment to uphold my promises/vows. My spouse did too. My 100% is half of the fuel to run this thing. He's got to hold up his end of the stick too and contribute. Tending to the health of the marriage is not ALL on me. I hold up my side, he holds up his.

Now if he's laying down on the job, and not offering me connection? Emotional intimacy, mental intimacy -- not just physical intimacy of sex? I'm trying to relate to a brick wall? Or we are living like ships in the night?

I'd try to bring it up to him and ask him to change this behavior. Be more present. But if he still keeps on that way? The marriage to me goes spiritually dead over time. Feels hollow. I can't be in a one way street thing. I would do what I could to alert him to the gravity of the situation but if he's Mr Wall still? Well, I served out my promise and fulfilled my commitment of "Until death do us part."

He let it die from lack of tending his side. I cannot control him or his behavior. So I have to walk away.

My marriage could also end "till death do us part" if one of us gets run over by a bus. But I'm not going to stay shackled to an unfulfilling, neglecting, non-participating partner either. Spiritually dead counts to me.

I encourage you to do your side of the job. Tell him what's going on with you on the inside. Don't hold back from fear that he will REACT badly and act out AT you rather then RESPOND thoughtfully and talk WITH you. He cannot be a mind reader. Hold up your end of the stick. Expect him to hold up his.

If he does not, that's a new problem you can address at THAT point in time. But right now? You could work your side of the gig.

GL!
Galagirl