Friendship ended

B

bassman

New member
Hi all

This isnt poly per se, but....

I have a friend in need....she has been sending her church her 10%, but now has no cash for basics. She has asked me to help, and Ive sent her money twice now. This is the 3rd time she as asked now...

So I asked her if she has asked the church if they can help -

WHAM - End of friendship! (and a long tirade about how sick I am because I have some non monogamous aspirations and experience)

Was I wrong to ask that question? :confused::confused:
 
How could it have been wrong to ask that? People who go to church regularly should know they can turn to their church for help -- that's one of the things it is supposedly there for! Seems rather dumb that she doesn't know that.

Essentially, she was asking you to donate to her church for her, since you were giving her money to meet her basic expenses and she was forking money over to the church. Such foolishness. Either she doesn't know how to budget herself well enough to live on 90% of her income, or the 10% should've come out of her income after she met her basic expenses. I know she's a friend of yours, but it makes me wonder how people can be so stupid?
 
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nycindie said:
How could it have been wrong to ask that? People who go to church regularly should know they can turn to their church for help -- that's one of the things it is supposedly there for! Seems rather dumb that she doesn't know that.

Essentially, she was asking you to donate to her church for her, since you were giving her money to meet her basic expenses and she was forking money over to the church. Such foolishness. Either she doesn't know how to budget herself well enough to live on 90% of her income, or the 10% should've come out of her income after she met her basic expenses. I know she's a friend of yours, but it makes me wonder how people can be so stupid?
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You have managed to verbalise, exactly my thoughts.... lol
 
She sounds like a user. You're a sweet person to give freely to a friend in need. There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking a beggar if they've sought other resources first. For her to unfriend you sends a loud and clear message Although I have to wonder the mental health of some one who would go to such an extreme like that or someone who would tithe when they don't have the resources to do so.
 
Inyourendo said:
She sounds like a user. You're a sweet person to give freely to a friend in need. There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking a beggar if they've sought other resources first. For her to unfriend you sends a loud and clear message Although I have to wonder the mental health of some one who would go to such an extreme like that or someone who would tithe when they don't have the resources to do so.
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like;)
 
Whats really hurt me,

is how much I shared... how much I told her. She threw it in my face telling me how weird I am.

Anyway she contacted me again. I asked her to delete all my messages and she became upset and let loose with a whole lot of negative feedback again. and then blocked me.

Yes I think Im better off now....
 
Unfortunately, some people are "users" - friends to your face, then turn around and attack you if you don't give them what they want. This is generally NOT a problem for me, personally, as I don't share my friendship easily. Dude, however, considers everyone who is attentive to him a friend, and, thus, runs into this sort of thing a great deal more often.

Dude had a "friend" who called him in the middle of the night for an "emergency" ride out of state - several hours each way. Dude made arrangements and did it. Three weeks later another "emergency" - one he had known about for WEEKS - not talking about a ride to the bus station or airport but another all-day-round-trip-"favor", then was pissed when Dude said "No". As it turns out, another friend had actually offered to take him and he said "No, Dude will do it." but he never even asked until the last minute- blech!

Some people seem to just create emergencies (or drama) that could be easily avoided. I wonder if it makes them feel important in some way.

JaneQ
 
bassman said:
Whats really hurt me, is how much I shared... how much I told her. She threw it in my face telling me how weird I am.

Yes I think Im better off now....
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I agree.

Anyone who would give the church 10% when they can't make ends meet has obviously swallowed the whole pill. The way she reacted to your question, sounds like there's even more going on there than meets the eye.

I don't think it's personal. She's clearly got issues, so anything she says is coming from her shit, not yours. Cut your losses and try to forget what she said. Judgementalism speaks more about her than you.
 
You are right, she has a lot of stuff going on. some of it might be me... but yeah, its her shit and shes turned on me as if I caused the pain. Im sure I did cause the pain when i said no to the THIRD round of money she asked for.



And I know I will never get that money back now.... ho hum.
 
bassman said:
You are right, she has a lot of stuff going on. some of it might be me... but yeah, its her shit and shes turned on me as if I caused the pain. Im sure I did cause the pain when i said no to the THIRD round of money she asked for.
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Never take responsibility for the emotional reactions of others. We're all responsible for our own feelings. Even when someone's standing in your face screaming profanities, you have the choice whether to take offence or write them off, and react accordingly.

And I know I will never get that money back now.... ho hum.
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Any time I hand over money without a written and signed agreement outlining repayment expectations, I take it for granted that it's a gift. Not only does it prevent disappointment over non-repayment of casual loans, but it forces me to be reasonable about how much I'm willing to give away as charity.

A few months ago, my husband wanted to sell our old car to his childhood friend and her husband. It was just taking up space in the yard so I was more than happy to see it go. But they were moving provinces and money was tight, so he wanted to let them pay us for it over a year. I asked him frankly, are you willing to lose this friendship over the small claims court case it would take to get the money if they decide not to pay us back? He said he was, but that he didn't think it would ever get to that. We drew up an official loan agreement with the car as collateral, outlining a payment schedule and interest.

Just the fact of having a signed agreement makes most people far less likely to even try screwing you over. It also makes the people who have no intention of paying you back look elsewhere for their charity.
 
I never expected the money back. Its not about getting the money back. :)

Its about opening my heart to who I thought was a friend and revealing some very personal stuff, and having that stuff thrown in my face about how weird I am, the moment I said no to sending more money.

It is also about being told what awful people atheists are, and then I (an atheist), help her when the church is doing f all.
 
Re (from OP):
"Was I wrong to ask that question?"
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Duh, of course not. And her reaction was ridiculous. A good example of how a church can screw up a person's mind.

She pays 10%, then asks you for financial assistance? What that really means is that you were paying her tithing for her. Again: ridiculous.

As a fellow polyamorist and a fellow atheist, I'm definitely on your team.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You are right to ask if she's asked for Church help or other people for help before giving her more of your money. You are not the endless fountain of money.

I'm sorry she dragged up your personal stuff to fight with just because you (rightly) declined to donate any more cash to her.

IME, church can be asked for a waiver. Like if there's a unexpected death in the family/funeral expenses, an unexpected job loss, or serious illness/medical bills... one could ask church for a waiver to either modify the pledge down to something more doable or just waive it entirely that year. Any church budget I have seen has that built in -- the buffer margin for pledges that don't come in like they thought. Churches know things happen to people.

But asking Church for a waiver would mean her taking more responsibility for herself and her situation. And it seems she's not keen on that. She's more keen on "maintaining appearances" maybe? Or seeking easier marks now that the well dried up with you?

You sound better off without her drama. It wasn't about you. She's acting out.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
You are right to ask if she's asked for Church help or other people for help before giving her more of your money. You are not the endless fountain of money.

I'm sorry she dragged up your personal stuff to fight with just because you (rightly) declined to donate any more cash to her.

IME, church can be asked for a waiver. Like if there's a unexpected death in the family/funeral expenses, an unexpected job loss, or serious illness/medical bills... one could ask church for a waiver to either modify the pledge down to something more doable or just waive it entirely that year. Any church budget I have seen has that built in -- the buffer margin for pledges that don't come in like they thought. Churches know things happen to people.

But asking Church for a waiver would mean her taking more responsibility for herself and her situation. And it seems she's not keen on that. She's more keen on "maintaining appearances" maybe? Or seeking easier marks now that the well dried up with you?

You sound better off without her drama. It wasn't about you. She's acting out.

Galagirl
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thanks Gala girl

Beyond a waiver, I would expect them to actually give some money back in this situation, shes obviously overstretched to help the church, why cant they give her some back ?

I agree with you, it is likely a pretentious front she wants to maintain.
 
Wouldn't you love to send her a transcript of this thread? Of course, you wouldn't want her coming here and making trouble for you, so you'd have to somehow obscure the name of the site and your username, but it would be a tempting thing to do, if I were you. It would show her what an inconsiderate friend and misguided follower of the church she is!
 
Because Church cannot know the situation by magic? She'd have to speak up and own it. Call the front office to see what the process is there. Then do it and apply.

Yeah, she sounds like she's not wanting to own anything remotely close to taking personal responsibility. Wanting a hand out. Not actual help.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
Because Church cannot know the situation by magic? She'd have to speak up and own it. Call the front office to see what the process is there. Then do it and apply.

Yeah, she sounds like she's not wanting to own anything remotely close to taking personal responsibility. Wanting a hand out. Not actual help.

Galagirl
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yes you are right, they dont know of course. but my question could have been rephrased to be

"why doesnt she feel she is allowed to now ask the church for some help"

or more specific

"why do the people who give, get made to feel too ashamed to later ask for help when they need it"?
 
That's a rhetorical question, but it does make logical sense to say that a church has an incentive to maximize its profits while minimizing the amount of funds it pays out.
 
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