I know what you are saying, but how can I be in a trusting, happy, healthy relationship with someone who thinks that about me? That's my issue. I know he loves me, but how do you get over a hurdle like that?
He said he loves me for me and not my beliefs but he doesn't agree with what I'm doing. Where do you go from there?!
If he is in rational brain space, you could ask him to clarify what behavior you are doing that he objects to.
- telling him what is going on with your inner life?
- updating your beliefs to match where you are at as an adult at this point in time?
- Something else?
If he is still in emotional brain space, you could hold space. It is part of what makes relationships happy/healthy in the long run. Being able to endure and manage rough spots in the short run with grace by holding space and not both wigging out.
Not hold space
forever, obviously. Because if you are now incompatible for marriage together there is no way around that other than dissolve the union.
But you could remember you JUST told him lots of stuff. So give him some time to process and digest all he way. Could hold space for a time so he can get his bearings. He's been set to wobbling and bobbling about like you pushed a rubber duckie under in the swimming pool. It's going to FWOOSH! back up and wobble for a while before it chills out again and stablizes.
Emotional flooding happens. He sounds like he emotionally flooded and in fear response tried to "push it away" from him. Like it has to be you are unstable in the head or it is the devil. Just some OTHER thing making him feel yucky.
Then you sound like you emotionally flooded and sent a letter to him.
Could STOP. Wait. Breathe.
It's
how the brain works -- it hits emotional brain before moving up to rational brain. Wait some time for it to get to the "top floor" first. Both on his side and on yours. Don't be triggering and retriggering each other into emotional flooding.
For you it is not news. You have been marinating this in your head for a while. For him it's a zing, so hold space and gift him some time to catch up in. If he's busy with his "Aaaahhhh!" stuff, he cannot hear you yet. Wait. Don't go off into your own "Aaaahhh!" thing compounding stuff.
While waiting, could think of ways to move forward together. If this is about your religious beliefs, could suggest reading
Fowler together. Or
McClennan. Read them on your own while waiting if you want.
Let him think of his own suggestions for how to move forward together. He might not be at that place yet -- has to get bearings first. So practice patience while waiting for him to "arrive."
My advice is to ignore it if he says stupid things from an emotional place for the next little while. Don't take it personally or go off thinking the marriage is doomed. Talk yourself down from that anxiety mountain. Be more grounded.
Respond with "I see you are scared and this is strange. I am sorry. I see it hurts for you right now. How can I help you a little bit today? To feel a bit more calm and at peace? Make you some tea? It is new to me too. Please don't tell me ___. Please remember I need words of kindness right now also."
You have your own load to be carrying right now. You cannot carry his load for him also. Maintain boundaries in loving kindness. He could carry his thoughts and feelings himself, and express them appropriately to appropriate people. If he's overloading you, suggest he see a counselor to help him carry his load. Or suggest that you see one together. You can also see one individually if you want.
Comfort in, kvetch out. And right now? Both of you are inner ring people. Both could strive to remember that.
Both of you could value the "long term health of the shared relationship" through this time of change above "personal comfort" or above "being the one who is right." Whatever you faith paths are right now, could practice confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome even when you do not see how.
And in doing so, agree to hold space and not pick at each other while figuring out next steps. Picking at a loved one like a spouse is not a behavior keeping in good character.
Healthy relationships can grow together as well as allowing the individuals to grow individually.
I said in jest that I would go get a psychiatrist check me out to prove I'm not insane and get the church to pray over me to dispell demons if that would help him. He said he thought that was a good idea.
I do not recommend you joke about serious things that matter to you. How do you teach others to take you seriously like that?
That is not a good idea. Because then it could become the song of "No. That doesn't count. You picked a quack to go to that would just say you are not crazy and I'm being crazy."
It also reinforces the idea that you cannot think for yourself. That you need someone else's stamp of approval on what you think to make it valid for you.
It also reinforces the idea that you have to carry his uncomfortable thoughts and feelings for him. Or that you (or his church praying people) are responsible for making his uncomfortable feelings go away. Rather than him working THROUGH his feelings to dispel them. HE is responsible for dealing with his emotional management. If he needs support for that, he could see a counselor for himself and support him in that work.
If you want to see a counselor for yourself, it is for YOURSELF. Not to be "proving" things to other people.
Galagirl
