I'm so glad to read about your resolution and decisions made.
Fantastic - I very much hope that the adjustments make all the difference.
I really think they will. We shall see! Also, I may get used to the marks from them being in their new location and "reframed" so that over time, I'll just be completely comfortable with them being wherever. That is my aim!
That sort of competing for people's affection is just so far out of my experience of the world that it took me ages to recognise what was going on. I'm not into competing for the affections of those close to me so I've made adjustments to keep it to a minimum in my life.
Yeah, even if once in a while I might *feel* a bit of competitiveness (usually stirred up in me by other people starting it), it seems silly to me to act on it. There have been times in earlier situations in my boyfriend's last relationship where he suggested doing XYZ with a particular person first, so as not to stir up jealousy, or doing a tit-for-tat thing so that everything is fair, and I've just been like, "Dude, keeping score and marking who does what first is just keeping competition at the forefront of everyone's minds. You don't have to do that for me—or for her, for that matter. If feelings come up, they come up and we deal with them, but to keep score and to try to dole things out like it's a competition for resources just makes it seem like it actually is, when it is not."
Part of why I love a thread like this is that it gives me something to think about (and maybe go back to) in case it comes up in any of my polyships. If someone was having trouble articulating something about marks, I would definitely come back here and take notes to ask if any of the thoughts that have come out here might be relevant.
I really love how other people seem to be getting so much use out of this thread. It's one of the things that I love about forums: I present my own tiny, super-specific problem, and somehow it manages to resonate with or be useful to way more people than just me. Not to mention the broad range of responses that I get, in terms of people's widely differing viewpoints on whether the marks are good or bad; whether my response is understandable or overreacting; whether the solutions proposed are adequate, inadequate, overkill; etc.
Jon loves leaving marks (and I love having Jon's marks on my body) and I honestly never considered overmuch how that might feel to another partner. Issi and Jon have left "marks messages" on me before, but all of us were "in on it" so to speak, and it was all done in a spirit of remarkable silliness, given that they're both Dom/me(s). Issi is also a great lover of leaving marks, so it hadn't occurred to me (as I knew that going in) that she would have a problem with marks left by Jon. And she didn't; she used to sometimes ask him how he'd get certain marks to happen.
I doubt this will happen with piercing play, but one thing that I have discovered is that for other activities that leave bruises (biting and impact play mostly), if you do it long enough and often enough, you stop bruising or bruise WAY less. It's actually pretty rare these days for Jon to leave any kind of bruise on me, so given that we both love marks, we've moved on to other ways of marking.
Well, that's the interesting thing about my reaction: I'm not anti-marks in general. Not that long ago, my boyfriend accidentally left hickeys on my neck (the first time since I'd had any since high school), and I was fascinated and thrilled by them; last year, my best friend and another girl spanked me until my ass was all bruised up at fetish party that we'd gone to with my boyfriend, and I was tickled to see the bruises; and an ex and I used to play a game where he'd give my ass one good smack and see how many days he could get the handprint outline to last. And not to mention that in the past I have been into sensual cutting (myself) and I actually have a fair number of scars from that. MY BOYFRIEND is actually the one who, in general, does not even like to be marked, and expressed his own wishing that it really hadn't left marks, but not to the point that he was unwilling to engage in the practice again. I think that, indeed, marks can be fun. They just were the opposite for me in this particular case.
Just thought I'd mention I've been following this thread, and was glad to hear that things were brought to an agreeable resolution. I think your current metamour is still new to you and you are trying to get a feel for her. Her willingness to abide by the new guidelines is a good sign.
Thanks! It's true that it's a good sign, though she doesn't know that the reason for the guidelines is my discomfort (my boyfriend was worried that telling her that would cause HER discomfort), so she has been led to believe that it all comes from his own dislike of marks. Time will just have to tell how everything shakes out in terms of her following his guidelines, and in terms of how the guidelines indeed affect my reactions, but I have a good feeling so far.
It's also true that I'm trying to get a feel for her. I like her so far, on the whole. I'm sure that as time passes, everyone's comfort with the situation will increase.
