Poly couple reading text messages

L

lostintransition

New member
Hi all,

I'm dating a girl that is poly and has been open with her relationship with her boyfriend for a few years. Today, out of the blue, I got a text from her boyfriend telling me that they have an open text message agreement. Basically he reads all the messages that she and I send to one another. Maybe he's read them all, maybe only a small portion of them. But basically it feels weird to me to know that what I inherently believed as a private place to share with one another was open for observation.

He mentioned that it protects their relationship and he said to me "since you met, you've never had privacy".

We started dating in the beginning of December. I've never met him.

I'm not poly, but have been reading and researching and been very open to it. I love her very much, but it seems like there isn't a lot of support for someone like me. I've had to deal with this on my own, when they had time to ease into being poly and do it at their pace.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm struggling here.
 
Well, I would never stand for that. Each person in a relationship deserves respect and privacy. I would be quite pissed off to find out my privacy had been invaded like that. I also have to wonder why he (and not she) contacted you about it now, out of the blue, all these months later - could it be that they are fighting and he's starting trouble to try and break you two up?

I would want to speak to her ASAP, if I were you, and find out what the fuck is going on.
 
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Wow! That sounds like crazy business! If that's really their agreement, she should have told you that in December. I wouldn't like that at all if I was you.
 
Thanks for replying. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this. They want to meet tomorrow night and talk but I feel like I'd like to have time to myself to let everything settle and try to sort through my emotions and discern what I'm feeling.

What should I do? I mean, I'm in love with her and she's in love with me. I have to accept that as part of the conditions of us seeing one another?
 
Sometimes I read nate's messages, he doesn't have issues with this. If he did I wouldn't. He is certainly welcome to read mine but doesn't. Im not sure if he's told his fuck buddies that I occasionally read or not
 
Hi lostintransition,

I must say that at the least, she should have informed you about the lack of privacy right from the start. That way you would have known what you were getting into.

You now have to decide,

  • if you can tolerate the no-privacy text policy,
  • if you can pardon the fact that you weren't informed about it.
I, too, wonder what her boyfriend's motivation is in telling you now? :( I hope you're able to get to the bottom of it. Think about what your boundaries are, and let them know when you meet with them.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I hate to say it, but if that is one of their rules to "protect" their relationship, what other rules are you not aware of? In other ways, how are you not treated like a human being and given respect? How else do they "protect" their relationship at the sake of you and your partner's relationship? Does BF have veto power (aka can ask your partner to end things with you whenever he wants)?

I'm hearing that there needs to be a lot more communication between you and your partner about rules (not that they are needed - but it sounds like there's some behind the scenes stuff going on that they haven't told you about). And why did the BF tell you (not your partner)...and why now??
 
reflections said:
I hate to say it, but if that is one of their rules to "protect" their relationship, what other rules are you not aware of? In other ways, how are you not treated like a human being and given respect? How else do they "protect" their relationship at the sake of you and your partner's relationship? Does BF have veto power (aka can ask your partner to end things with you whenever he wants)?

I'm hearing that there needs to be a lot more communication between you and your partner about rules (not that they are needed - but it sounds like there's some behind the scenes stuff going on that they haven't told you about). And why did the BF tell you (not your partner)...and why now??
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Yeah, we had a small group text between the 3 of us that never really amounted to much beyond funny photos and stuff like that. Then today, in the group text he sent the message telling me that. Good point about what else is going on behind their doors. We've had a great relationship up to this point given the fact that I've never been involved with someone who has an established poly lifestyle with a boyfriend she lives with.
 
So, will you meet with them tomorrow night?
 
On one hand - I sort of feel that anything when you send (txt, email, snail-mail) ANYTHING to another person you don't really have any control over who they share it with (their mother, their SO, their friends, etc.) - you trust to their discretion.

So, if someone sends me a funny picture - I might share it with appropriate people. If my boyfriend send me a txt that irritates me, I might share it with my best friend - "I said this and this and this. Then he sends me THIS..What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?!?"

But a blanket agreement that ALL texts are read by an uninvolved party, without disclosure or discretion? Feels disrespectful and dysfunctional to me.

Dude is pretty nosy - if he hears my phone txt alert - ears go up (like my dog does) - "Who is it? What did they say? Did they mention me?" - I may answer or say "Dude, NOYB!" - MY phone, MY txt, MY decision. (Dude and Lotus are more - "Share every irrelevant detail"; while MrS and I are more - "Just the facts, ma'am.")

Just curious: Do they each record every phone conversation so that it can be replayed for the other person? Do they each wear spy-cams so they can replay each IRL interaction for each other? If not, then what makes txts so special that they MUST be shared?

JaneQ

For the record: theoretically we all have access to each others phones - mine is set so that you can see who a txt is from but can't see the message without entering the password (The boys know the password but understand, and respect, that "work txts" are treated differently than other txts). The boys' phones, the text itself shows. If someone is sleeping and their phone goes off - someone else might look to see who it is from to see whether we should wake them up. ("Dude! JennyL is blowing up your phone at 3 AM - you wanna wake up and deal with that?" - "IDK, what does she want?" - "She wants to know if you are up." - "No." - on Dude's phone "Hey JennyL, this is JaneQ, Dude says he is sleeping. You need something?" - "Have him call me when he gets up." "OK"). More likely - "JaneQ - Work# has txt'd you 7 times - here, make it stop!"
 
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It feels very couple privilege-y to me. "We" are more important than whatever relationship you have with one of us, so we have to protect ourselves. From what?? And what a way to feel "less than" their relationship. Ouch.
 
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the insight.

Like I mentioned, I'm new to this whole scene, so if anyone can direct me towards articles, resources, anything that can help me in this situation - not poly, new to scene and heavily involved with someone that's fully ingrained in the lifestyle - I'd love that.

Thanks again.
 
If you'd like to read more on couple privilege, check out: http://tacit.livejournal.com/578925.html. Your situation may not fit for all of it (you're not in a triad), but it might help to read part 4 in particular.

In addition, you might want to read "More Than Two" by the same author of the article - really helps in better understanding polyamory as a whole. I've also heard "Opening Up," "The Ethical Slut," and "Sex at Dawn" are good books (I have Opening Up on my bookshelf ready to read).
 
I was new to this scene, too, when I started dating XBF.

Doesn't matter how new I was...I'm still a human being. It creeped me out to find, a year and a half into our relationship, that his wife had the password to his e-mail and may have been reading what I thought were personal e-mails to him all along. It disgusted me that nobody told me my e-mails were not necessarily private. I don't care what you call yourself, that's a crappy way to treat another human being, to just, oops, NOT MENTION, that what they think are private messages, aren't.

Upshot of my story was that he set up a private e-mail account and assured me 'nobody' knew about it. It told me something about her view of his outside relationships and their relationship, that he wouldn't or felt he couldn't, tell her, "This is a human being who deserves privacy in her innermost thoughts she shares with me...remember, me, the one she's having a relationship with, not you?"

Apparently his wife would not have agreed to allow me that basic right of privacy, as part of the human race. Apparently secondaries are, to her, just toys to entertain her husband while she's out fucking other men. So he felt he had to lie to her, to give me basic privacy.

No, I would never tolerate having a third party read all my private texts and e-mails. If poly is about multiple relationships, then the people in those relationships need to be given the same basic respect and privacy as they would have in any other relationship. Sorry, no one gets a pass on the basics by calling themselves poly.

And nobody has to tolerate having their private words deliberately, knowingly passed on to another, and never being told that's happening.
 
Text reading is a more common practice in swinger relationship where the outside partner is really a sex object. I'm all for things being out in the open but blanket access to all my communication would feel very violating to me. I would need to have that change if I were to continue in a relationship
 
He mentioned that it protects their relationship
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Did she know this and not inform you from the start? (lies of omission?)

Or is this a new thing to her too? (foisted on her as much as you, like her BF thinks he can make unilateral decisions for the trio?)

You can say "No, thank you. I will not do that. What is your need? In what other way can that be met?"

Either way? You could set your soft feelings for her aside for a moment and you rethink whether or not you want to date her under these conditions.

he said to me "since you met, you've never had privacy".
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Is she aware of that? Or has he been sneaking behind her back looking at her things ?

You can ask why you were not informed sooner, so you could give full consent from the start.

If his concern is protecting their side of the V from intrusions...Then wouldn't it go the other way? Him making sure their texts together are private? How does invading/intruding on this side of the V's privacy help protect that side of the V's privacy from invasion or intrusion? :confused:

To me it sounds more like he's afraid for HIMSELF, not for their side of the V.

I'm in love with her and she's in love with me. I have to accept that as part of the conditions of us seeing one another?
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No. You do not have to accept that as a condition of seeing her. You can decline to participate in that.

You can ask her what IS private between you both.

You can ask her if she is safe. (Ask her this away from the dude. Ask her if he's cyberbullying her -- controlling/reading her texts, her email, spyware on her devices, etc. She may not be able to speak honestly in front of him.)

In short, before you decide anything --- try to see what it is you have on your hands here.

I'm new to this whole scene, so if anyone can direct me towards articles, resources, anything that can help me in this situation - not poly, new to scene and heavily involved with someone that's fully ingrained in the lifestyle - I'd love that.
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Make sure you are prepared to set and enforce your personal boundaries. They define what you will and will not put up with. Along with a consequence that YOU can do about it should someone cross the line. And inform them where your personal boundaries / lines in the sand are.

I will assume positive intent for now. If he is a person having a hard time (vs being a bully) ... maybe all 3 read this together and address his fears.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Get clear on what open model you three are practicing here and that all are on the same page. You may not be up for (primary-secondary) model.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships

General poly reading:

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
https://www.morethantwo.com
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles


HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Gala Girl gave you a lot of reading material. Here is yet one more article on the subject from the morethantwo website about the rights of secondaries:

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html

Read all these articles, digest them, take notes if necessary, THEN go to talk to your gf. Or both people, IF you desire. If you're not a relationship with HIM, there is no reason to talk directly to him. That's just one more incident of couple privilege.

You can tell your gf you want your private messages to be just that, private. If two women chatting lovingly is a threat to their relationship, I'd say they don't have much of a relationship. :rolleyes:
 
lostintransition said:
Like I mentioned, I'm new to this whole scene, so if anyone can direct me towards articles, resources, anything that can help me in this situation - not poly, new to scene and heavily involved with someone that's fully ingrained in the lifestyle - I'd love that.
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To me, this has nothing to do with "the scene" and everything to do with douchebaggery. I would under no circumstances feel OK with anyone reading my texts besides the intended person.
 
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