How do I even start to explain??

I just have to say that, your situation really spoke to me. Well, except for the Christianity part. Please understand that I mean nothing but respect. I am in a very similar situation as you and your husband. At least, the beginning part. My wife just revealed that she has deep feelings for 5 other people just a few days ago. So this is very fresh in my mind, and I'm still trying to make complete sense of it. Three of them (2 men,one woman) were people that she became close with online, they all live fairly far away too. She hadn't met two of them, and the one that she did, was years ago, way before those feelings existed. I was also with her and met that person too. So she felt more like a mutual friend than a potential "significant other".

I am like your husband though (I didn't read every post on every page, so maybe not in every regard), I am a very adamant monogamist. The night that she told me about this, I made it very clear that I would NEVER condone any sort of sexual activity - not even hand holding or kissing. I'm sorry if that sounds too draconian, but my take is that I should not be forced into changing how I'm wired, just because she discovers that she's wired differently than she thought she was before we even started dating nearly 20 years ago, let alone after 16 years of marriage.

I think that in the end, there is an extreme fundamental difference between the two types. I'm not saying that either is wrong by any stretch of the imagination, but I think there will always be an element that neither side truly understands about the other. I've been called jealous, controlling, possessive, insecure, and worse. But the fact is, that I am who I am, as is your husband. Personally, I feel sick to my stomach when I even think about my wife being sexually involved with another person. and believe it or not, it's NOT every guy's fantasy to see their wife with another woman either. The thought breaks my heart just as much as if it were a man.

Fortunately, my wife has stated that she would never sleep with someone else as long as I'm uncomfortable with it. And she also said that her feelings for any of the others don't really go that deep to begin with. She's never lied to me before, so I don't have any reason not to believe that. She tells me that she loves me much more than she could love anyone else, and it sounds like that's where you're - sort of - coming from too.

I know that kids being in the mix makes the choice to leave or stay difficult, but please try the best you can to leave them out of the decision. The only thing worse than coming from a broken home, is living in one.

You need to evaluate what works best for you, as he does with himself. And ultimately, try & mutually determine if those things coincide. The best of luck to you.
 
Journey, you must be feeling so sad, alone and frightened right now. Take heart. Lots of people go through marital discord and even divorce, every day, all over the world. It's very tough for a while, but then you start to heal and feel better and more authentic and happier! Take good care of yourself. Rest, eat, exercise. And I am so sorry your whole family is telling you to go back and "keep your head down" and be that Stepford wifey-poo. Keep looking for "real life" supporters, starting with therapist, then lawyer, then new friends and chosen family! You can do this.
 
I'm currently abroad visiting a friend to have some time out from home and get my head around what path I take (in many aspects of life, not just relationships). I may ramble about it here or I may go silent. I don't know yet. But I do want you all to know your support is highly valued...
 
Needingadvice22 said:
Where is "abroad" for someone in the UK? For us US people abroad might mean the UK. :)
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Mainland Europe, super quick and easy and relativity inexpensive to get to!

Thank you Karen. I feel torn in two directions so I'm in a lot of pain right now. But no one on one of the sides even really acknowledges the pain. They just think I'm confused and 'spend too much time on the internet'.
 
Ideas that are different usually get met with, "Who have you been talking to?", "You are spending too much time on the Internet!", or "You need to start going to church again." As if somehow you have been led astray by radical Islamists who are trying to get you to join ISIS or Demons trying to destroy you.
 
Needingadvice22 said:
Ideas that are different usually get met with, "Who have you been talking to?", "You are spending too much time on the Internet!", or "You need to start going to church again." As if somehow you have been led astray by radical Islamists who are trying to get you to join ISIS or Demons trying to destroy you.
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Or, in my case at the end of my marriage, "Counseling is making you worse."
o_O

And, BTW, that had nothing to do with Poly. It had everything to do with two people who drifted apart, and one person trying to browbeat the other with "why can't you just be happy with what you have?"

You can't work together on something when one person refuses to confront the issue (and instead points their finger everywhere else).
 
Shame is a powerful tool that I'm learning about right now. It's something religion and cultures use a lot but even we use it in our relationships. It generally has little to do with right and wrong and a lot more to do with control and manipulation.
 
Needingadvice22 said:
Shame is a powerful tool that I'm learning about right now. It's something religion and cultures use a lot but even we use it in our relationships. It generally has little to do with right and wrong and a lot more to do with control and manipulation.
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I made a post a while back about tribal shame, you might find that interesting. I've been doing some research into what the Bible says about monogamy and polyamory. I decided that whilst I don't sign up to what the Bible says now, my husband does and I want to respect that, so I want to know what it says. It's very interesting and to be honest I've learnt more about the bible and various aspects of it from this research than I ever have being the church my whole life.
 
Journeyofawakening said:
I made a post a while back about tribal shame, you might find that interesting. I've been doing some research into what the Bible says about monogamy and polyamory. I decided that whilst I don't sign up to what the Bible says now, my husband does and I want to respect that, so I want to know what it says. It's very interesting and to be honest I've learnt more about the bible and various aspects of it from this research than I ever have being the church my whole life.
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This is a good way to approach it.
 
Read the Song of Soloman. It's a poly love story. She is in love with her man who is the king of Israel. He has many wives and concubines and she craves him. He decides to spend the night with her that night and a hot love scene ensues. Yet Christians ignore the poly aspect entirely.
 
Needingadvice22 said:
Read the Song of Soloman. It's a poly love story. She is in love with her man who is the king of Israel. He has many wives and concubines and she craves him. He decides to spend the night with her that night and a hot love scene ensues. Yet Christians ignore the poly aspect entirely.
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Heh, I have a different take on that. SofS is an ancient song based on Asherah or other goddess worship. "Our bed is green" refers to the sacred outdoor groves where the Great Goddess of the Hebrews was honored in sexual rites. Altho Solomon IS said to have many wives, and they were all pagan, and he was pagan too! It's all in there. He did what was displeasing to "the Lord" (Yahweh). So, going by Solomon's choices isn't really what was pleasing to the Jewish/Christian male warrior god Yahweh El (translated as "The Lord God") at all.
 
Journeyofawakening said:
I made a post a while back about tribal shame, you might find that interesting. I've been doing some research into what the Bible says about monogamy and polyamory. I decided that whilst I don't sign up to what the Bible says now, my husband does and I want to respect that, so I want to know what it says. It's very interesting and to be honest I've learnt more about the bible and various aspects of it from this research than I ever have being the church my whole life.
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Good for you! I have had so many conversations with evangelical Christians on online fora, who have never read the Bible clear through, but just taken whatever they get from the pulpit, or the church sanctioned interpretations they get in Wednesday night Bible study classes. Cherry pickers, we call them.

Read it, read it all, and come to your own conclusions. It's a free country! You have every right to make up your own mind about what works for you from the Bible (and there is good stuff in there, amidst the myths and wars) and what doesn't work (patriarchal bs).
 
Magdlyn said:
Good for you! I have had so many conversations with evangelical Christians on online fora, who have never read the Bible clear through, but just taken whatever they get from the pulpit, or the church sanctioned interpretations they get in Wednesday night Bible study classes. Cherry pickers, we call them.

Read it, read it all, and come to your own conclusions. It's a free country! You have every right to make up your own mind about what works for you from the Bible (and there is good stuff in there, amidst the myths and wars) and what doesn't work (patriarchal bs).
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*puts hand up* Cherry picker right here...a real shame really.
 
No worries. It is how you were brought up? Kids get brainwashed into their parents' religions all the time. Once we become adult it is common to start to question when you find holes in the religious fabric. Personally I was asking questions as young as age 11, since my mother was a secret atheist, though she took us kids to church to please her mother. Mom told me to question authority. I remember in Wed classes, getting ready for confirmation, I used to question the (conservative) pastor who was teaching us, showing him all the holes and contradictions in the Bible. I used to make him so mad! hehe! He hated me.

A reminder to get The New Oxford Annotated Bible, if you haven't already. It's got lots of footnotes showing correct translation of Hebrew and Greek terms, honesty if the scholar are unsure what an archaic word means, and cultural context for all the myths and poetry, similarities to other local religions, lack of historical evidence for this or that, etc etc.
 
Re: the New Oxford Annotated Bible ... must be huge! Still, I'm tempted ...

Re:
"Kids get brainwashed into their parents' religions all the time."
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All too true ... and one of my pet peeves (about religion).
 
I am not intimidated by fat books, Kevin. Check one out, your library probably has one, or can get one from inter-library loan system.
 
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