How do I even start to explain??
- Thread starter Journeyofawakening
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Journeyofawakening
Member
Things are not going well here.
If I want a polyamory lifestyle, my husband says I have to leave. Last night he was shouting in my face that I was wrong wrong wrong. I've tried my very best to explain myself but he still sees me 'leaving an 8 year marriage for a 4 month fling' and thats really not it.
He wants me to turn away from the Internet, turn away from polyamory, turn away from my friend who I have feelings for. He wants me to come back to church because 'that's where you belong' and 'fake it til I make it' with my marriage and spirituality.
I kind of can't believe it really. The reaction this has got is...bullying.
If I want a polyamory lifestyle, my husband says I have to leave. Last night he was shouting in my face that I was wrong wrong wrong. I've tried my very best to explain myself but he still sees me 'leaving an 8 year marriage for a 4 month fling' and thats really not it.
He wants me to turn away from the Internet, turn away from polyamory, turn away from my friend who I have feelings for. He wants me to come back to church because 'that's where you belong' and 'fake it til I make it' with my marriage and spirituality.
I kind of can't believe it really. The reaction this has got is...bullying.
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I saw this once with a friend and it wasn't over poly or anything. His wife was in a Fundamental Church, he got tired of their butting in and left, he was happy for some time , even got engaged to a nice girl. The church stepped up their bullying to include his son. He want on a massive guilt trip and went back.
As I am not of his faith, I lost a friend. If he has to resort to the Church, I would say walk away from him very fast. I had 16 unhappy years, I wish I had left sooner.
reflections
New member
I'm so sorry, Journey. It seems like he is really terrified and does not know how to respond but to double down. I hope you can take care of yourself and show yourself some self-compassion during this time.
Journey, I am really sorry to see so many similarities in your situation and in mine back at those times... The ways the people in a fundamental church react to changes that challenge their thinking. I tried to make my parents understand my point of view and failed miserably - and then realized that there is just no way they ever will understand me without leaving the church, too. And they did not leave, they had closed the door for that possibility long ago.
I really feel for you - it ain't an easy call at all. It must be even harder for you than it was for me, as you have children to take care of, too - and need to co-parent with your husband in any case. I could just leave and have no more contact with those people.
Remember, the way your husband acts towards you is bullying. It is abuse. It is not okay. You have the freedom of thought, you are free to choose your beliefs and act according to them. He can't force you back unless you give him the power. You are not wrong!
I really feel for you - it ain't an easy call at all. It must be even harder for you than it was for me, as you have children to take care of, too - and need to co-parent with your husband in any case. I could just leave and have no more contact with those people.
Remember, the way your husband acts towards you is bullying. It is abuse. It is not okay. You have the freedom of thought, you are free to choose your beliefs and act according to them. He can't force you back unless you give him the power. You are not wrong!
Would you be prepared to not ever act on polyamory, but still refrain from the church and other things? Or are you expecting him to accept polyamory in his marriage, despite the fact he signed up for a monogamous relationship?
I'm starting to think the only thing you'll view as fair is if he makes steps towards allowing polyamory in his marriage. I think he's made his position very clear, as well as telling you what he needs from his wife for a happy marriage. Any more pushing from you is actually you ignoring boundaries. It's time for you to make tough decisions for your future. You need to decide if polyamory is more important to you than your marriage. I know that polyamory is more important to me than any single relationship. I would never give it up for anyone, regardless of how serious our relationship was.
You've tried to get him to get you, he doesn't want to. Now it's time for other options. I don't necessarily think you're bullying him any less than he's bullying you by you keep pushing when he's made his thoughts clear.
Is part of the problem that you will find it much harder to have other relationships if he isn't there to do childcare? So you actually need him for you to live a polyamorous lifestyle?
He doesn't have to up for poly just because you are.
That behavior is out of line. He can state he prefers to disband without that kind of violent behavior. He seems to care more about being "right" than being in "right relationship." But that's neither here nor there.
At this point, I think you get to pick if this behavior is acceptable to you or not. It's no longer about poly. It's moving into bullying and abuse.
You could stop trying to get him to understand. He's not listening for understanding. He can see it however he wants to see it. Stop justifying, arguing, defending, explaining. Move on to taking action so you can be free of harm.
He can want that. But he is not in charge of you. YOU get to pick what YOU want. I hope that you want to be free of harm.
I am sorry. You do not deserve ill treatment.
I think you are going to have to disband. You guys are not compatible any more and on top of that, he's being hurtful.
Quietly call a shelter and get some info on HOW to leave safely. Leaving a bully spouse can be a dangerous time -- that whole "If I cannot have her, nobody can!" factor.
Galagirl
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graviton
New member
This made me laugh because it made me think of something my wife said after she had been out with a boyfriend during the day while the boys were at school and I was at work . She told me that she felt it was unfair for me to go on dates during family time
(anytime I'm not at work or the gym) or to take time off from work to go off on a date because that is time that should be reserved for her and the boys. She felt that what she did was better because she didn't steal from family time. Did I mention that she had no job of her own? So basically she was allowed to date because I was supporting her and giving her free time to do so.
Norwegianpoly
New member
If you disagree on how to live your life together, maybe you should't be together. If you want to stay and hope he embraces poly, be prepared to be patient.
WhatHappened
Active member
Sounds like my XBF's wife. He kills himself working 45+ hours a week, working a second job/avocation that also brings in money, while she spends her days having 'playdates' with her long term boyfriend/dom, posting on FL, buying make up, going to munches, and setting up more dates with more men. But she really didn't like it when he fell in love with me and was no longer available the once or twice a year she chose him as date of last choice for a play party (and then dumped him at the door anyway.)
She had no use for him other than his income, but sure didn't want him falling in love with me, and made it impossible to have a real relationship.
[Of course, he chose to let her play that game, so I guess he got what he chose.]
monkeystyle
Member
Journeyofawakening
Member
Wait...so me trying to explain to my husband that I've changed and how I view the world in a calm and collected manner is 'bullying' just like him threatening to take our kids away from me, kick me out of the house, scream in my face, tell me to 'fake it till you make it' in the marriage and telling me I must go back to church whilst then pretending nothing has happened?? Sorry but...what?
And no, I don't just want him so he can look after the kids while I go frolicking. I love him and enjoy sharing my life with him when he's not treating me like he owns me and can control me.
I fully plan on working, not being a 'kept woman'. I have hopes and dreams too, and I plan on working my ass off to make them happen. I already work my ass off educating my children, keeping this home and doing what I can with my limited time to make money as well as studying.
And no, I don't just want him so he can look after the kids while I go frolicking. I love him and enjoy sharing my life with him when he's not treating me like he owns me and can control me.
I fully plan on working, not being a 'kept woman'. I have hopes and dreams too, and I plan on working my ass off to make them happen. I already work my ass off educating my children, keeping this home and doing what I can with my limited time to make money as well as studying.
But, as you said earlier, you're not just telling him that your worldview has changed. You're pushing for him to permit you to explore polyamory within your marriage. However badly he's stated his opinions, he has expressed them clearly. He is not interested in opening your relationship. You have to decide what to do with that information. This isn't going to be a situation where you have everything that you want.
IndieSolo
Active member
The OP has repeatedly stated that she wants to explain her point of view and for him listen to her, and be willing to discuss it. She hasn't said she expects him to accept it. She hasn't bullied him, it seems to me. She has asked that they talk about it with a third party present (therapist/counselor). Her frustration lies, at this point, in the fact that he keeps shutting her down and won't listen to what she has to say. Instead, he is making pronouncements that she is mentally ill, needs to get off the internet and go back to church.
I see this as basic incompatibility, however. Journey, as many have already said to you, get your ducks in a row financially and prepare for leaving. Things are not looking good for your marriage to continue if you want to be true to yourself. So sorry!
I see this as basic incompatibility, however. Journey, as many have already said to you, get your ducks in a row financially and prepare for leaving. Things are not looking good for your marriage to continue if you want to be true to yourself. So sorry!
Hell yeah. Journey is not bullying. What a ridiculous statement. She has changed. People change. It is not "bullying" to inform a spouse that one has changed and discuss what to do about it! For goodness sake.
Obviously her h is not open for any compromise. It's his way or the highway, even if she has to just pretend to still be the same Stepford wife she used to be.
Journey is preparing for the next step of her journey to authenticity and independence. If her h won't accompany her, or can't, so be it. It's still a painful and sad process at the moment. Let us be gentle to her, since her husband is not being so gentle.
Obviously her h is not open for any compromise. It's his way or the highway, even if she has to just pretend to still be the same Stepford wife she used to be.
Journey is preparing for the next step of her journey to authenticity and independence. If her h won't accompany her, or can't, so be it. It's still a painful and sad process at the moment. Let us be gentle to her, since her husband is not being so gentle.