Nervous
- Thread starter Derbylicious
- Start date
Derbylicious
New member
So there's a lot of talk about honesty and communication in the poly world. I'm starting to discover that the vast majority of people outside of poly really don't want you to be honest with them. It kind of sucks.
I tell my friends the honest reason behind why I'm doing something and then they decide to no longer speak to me.
One of these friends still is friends with my husband. She showed up at the after party for my game on Saturday to hang out with him. She was civil with me and everything, but I could tell that she would rather I not be there. Unfortunately, she showed up at my party; I wasn't about to go anywhere.
I don't like feeling sad and angry. It doesn't suit me. I was bad company yesterday. I'm hoping today is better. Although my mind keeps blowing everything out of proportion because it's that time of the month and I'm overly emotional and I'm interpreting things badly. Fortunately. I know that it's just my interpretation. Therefore, I'm just sitting with things. There's no point in starting fights over nothing.
Wow... what a ranty and vague post. There's a lot going on in my head and I'm working on getting it out. It will take time.
I tell my friends the honest reason behind why I'm doing something and then they decide to no longer speak to me.
One of these friends still is friends with my husband. She showed up at the after party for my game on Saturday to hang out with him. She was civil with me and everything, but I could tell that she would rather I not be there. Unfortunately, she showed up at my party; I wasn't about to go anywhere.
I don't like feeling sad and angry. It doesn't suit me. I was bad company yesterday. I'm hoping today is better. Although my mind keeps blowing everything out of proportion because it's that time of the month and I'm overly emotional and I'm interpreting things badly. Fortunately. I know that it's just my interpretation. Therefore, I'm just sitting with things. There's no point in starting fights over nothing.
Wow... what a ranty and vague post. There's a lot going on in my head and I'm working on getting it out. It will take time.
That sucks, Derby. Unfortunately, as much as honesty would help a lot of people, they don't want it.
MonoVCPHG
New member
I think some people ask questions with the hope that your answer will leave you open for criticism or seem insincere. When you reply with pure honesty, you take that tool away from them, and they are left with nothing to say, or end up questioning themselves out of fear or jealousy.
Perhaps processing time is what they need. It's sad they don't open up and tell you what they were thinking.
Perhaps processing time is what they need. It's sad they don't open up and tell you what they were thinking.
LovingRadiance
Active member
Derby, I was talking about this to my brother recently, the fact that people just don't really want to be real in their lives. They complain about people who are "two-faced," all the while being blatantly two-faced themselves. It is something that baffles me most of the time, and then, every so often, it flat pisses me off! I don't understand it at all.
They piss and moan about how they can't do this or can't do that because someone would know the truth about them if they did, and the consequences of the truth being known, and yet, they turn around and piss and moan about how other people aren't real with them, as though it doesn't occur to them that those other people are thinking the exact same thought-- that they can't be real because someone would know the truth about them and the consequences.
I agree with you that in the poly community (as much of it as I've encountered) there seems to be a big push for honesty, within the community.
Yet I also note that there is still that same protective stance, that we can't be real about who we are except within this little community. So my curiosity is: just when and how do things ever get to the point where people can just be real all the time? What is it that will make people feel like they can just be, instead of always worrying about what the next person might think/say/do if they know the truth about them?
They piss and moan about how they can't do this or can't do that because someone would know the truth about them if they did, and the consequences of the truth being known, and yet, they turn around and piss and moan about how other people aren't real with them, as though it doesn't occur to them that those other people are thinking the exact same thought-- that they can't be real because someone would know the truth about them and the consequences.
I agree with you that in the poly community (as much of it as I've encountered) there seems to be a big push for honesty, within the community.
Yet I also note that there is still that same protective stance, that we can't be real about who we are except within this little community. So my curiosity is: just when and how do things ever get to the point where people can just be real all the time? What is it that will make people feel like they can just be, instead of always worrying about what the next person might think/say/do if they know the truth about them?
Mohegan
New member
I'm a big fan of honesty. I try to be honest in all my interactions and I expect the same respect. I find it very difficult to get over it when people are not honest with me. I have weeded out several friends because I don't feel I can trust them to be honest with me.
Having an old friend still be friends with your spouse is really hard. I'm glad she was civil with you, but it was your party, so I'm glad you realised you didn't have to go anywhere.
Having an old friend still be friends with your spouse is really hard. I'm glad she was civil with you, but it was your party, so I'm glad you realised you didn't have to go anywhere.
redpepper
Active member
I think that it's important that when one is honest, other people are not necessarily going to appreciate it or feel comfortable with what we say. They often need time to adjust to new information.
It's kind of like "not shooting the messenger," really, when people are honest with us. I think it is important to look at what they say from outside of them, rather than judge them by it. We are all trying to change and grow, and there is a process of being honest about our needs and wants and being honest about them, at least if we want to be healthy about it.
It sucks that this woman likes to cause drama. Really, your only role is to be a gracious host (yay, I get to use that analogy I'm such a relationship/communication geek ), put on a big smile, and wait it out. I'd think that she will either lose interest and not want to hang out anymore, or figure out how she feels and warm to you again.
In the meantime, what does hubby think? I am wondering if he is all that keen to hang out with her if it makes you feel uncomfortable?
It's kind of like "not shooting the messenger," really, when people are honest with us. I think it is important to look at what they say from outside of them, rather than judge them by it. We are all trying to change and grow, and there is a process of being honest about our needs and wants and being honest about them, at least if we want to be healthy about it.
It sucks that this woman likes to cause drama. Really, your only role is to be a gracious host (yay, I get to use that analogy
I'm such a relationship/communication geek ), put on a big smile, and wait it out. I'd think that she will either lose interest and not want to hang out anymore, or figure out how she feels and warm to you again.In the meantime, what does hubby think? I am wondering if he is all that keen to hang out with her if it makes you feel uncomfortable?
Derbylicious
New member
He likes. He likes the attention he gets from her. Honestly, that part of it doesn't bother me at all. If they want to hang out, that's great, and none of my business. I just don't like the manipulation of the situation to include me. I don't like game playing. I don't play games well. I react negatively when I perceive that they are being played on me. Some people just end up being more drama than it's worth. (She's had a lot of chances already.) I think as I get older I'm getting less tolerant of BS.
On a different topic, in the past couple of days, I've been guilty of hearing what I want to hear, rather than what's actually being said. Then I get disappointed that what I heard isn't what's happening. I have to open my ears (or my eyes, when it comes to text). Maybe I should start doing that repetition thing to see if I am hearing what has been said.
I'm still bad company. Work this week is really rough and I'm having to take care of everyone else. I think it might be time to take care of me here, for a few minutes, once the kids are down for the night. I also need some human contact. I just want to be held and to cry for a bit. But at the same time, I want to be all strong and not to let it out. I think maybe I'm still processing, and won't let go until I know that I don't have to be strong for everyone else anymore.
redpepper
Active member
Yes, I hear what you are saying about manipulating you into hanging out. Well, as I said today, when she stops by unannounced, you can call over your shoulder to your husband, "Your friends here to see you," and make yourself scarce.
What about the texting? Hmm... Nothing to do with me, I hope?
Go get some lovin' from that husband of yours, sweets. He won't be here much longer. You don't have to be a big and tough. I sure as hell am not, most of the time.
What about the texting? Hmm... Nothing to do with me, I hope?
Go get some lovin' from that husband of yours, sweets. He won't be here much longer. You don't have to be a big and tough. I sure as hell am not, most of the time.
rolypoly
New member
I just started reading through this thread, Derby. Big, big hugs. I can relate to much of what you're saying, in my own way. I want to say that I think it's beautiful that you are being so honest. It's hard and brave to be undone and feel uncomfortable emotions.
I wonder if most people don't like to be honest because, socially, we're not comfortable with not having a solution. We're not comfortable with discomfort. We expect ourselves to be big and tough and have it all together.
(I'm still trying to make sure I understand who's who and what's going on with everyone. So bear with me while I catch up.)
I wonder if most people don't like to be honest because, socially, we're not comfortable with not having a solution. We're not comfortable with discomfort. We expect ourselves to be big and tough and have it all together.
(I'm still trying to make sure I understand who's who and what's going on with everyone. So bear with me while I catch up.)
Derbylicious
New member
Just the mix up of dates. Really, no big deal. Just one of a number of things I haven't been hearing properly. None of the things I've been mishearing have been a big deal, actually. I think maybe with everything else that's going on, I'm a wee bit distracted.
Derbylicious
New member
Roly, don't worry too much about trying to keep up. These are just my ramblings, for the most part. Usually as quickly as I have it out on here, it's out of my system. Plus this is really only one side of what's going on. I'm sure that others involved see the situation in a completely different light.
Derbylicious
New member
I haven't written much lately because there hasn't been a lot to say. Everything has been going along pretty swimmingly.
However, it looks like things are about to change again. My husband's girlfriend is coming to our city for a month. She will be staying with her primary, but her primary and she have decided that my husband has priority time with her, because he leaves for his job again in a couple of weeks.
I know it's selfish of me, but my thought is that it's all well and good for them to decide that, but why wasn't I consulted? I know that their relationship with each other really doesn't involve consulting me, but I would have liked to have been asked what I was expecting.
The thing is, I don't know what to expect. My husband wants me to get to know his girlfriend. He is planning things so that we get to spend time with each other. But since I've never met her, I'm not sure that I want to spend time with her. I want to be able to play things by ear a little more. I'm terrified of being the third wheel for the next couple of weeks. I'm doing my best to open up time for them to spend together. But then I'm left wondering when my time will be, and if my time gets to be fun, or if it's just going to be all about the things that need to be done. Yet again, I get to be the "no fun" wife.
I know that I make myself feel this way and that I read too much into things. I have assumptions that my husband knows the same information I know. His girlfriend's primary has every Sunday off. (I know this.) So when I found out that Sunday was the day that my husband was going to spend with me, I automatically thought that it was because his girlfriend was already going to be busy. As it turns out, he didn't know what her primary's schedule was, and that it was just my assumption.
It didn't take much though for me to get it into my head that I was just "filler," especially since she arrives tomorrow, and they're going to be seeing each other daily until Sunday.
I know that the two of them are used to being able to pretty much see each other every day. I feel very much like I'm out of control of the whole situation, though. I don't know how I'm going to feel about her, and I don't want to instantly have her become part of our daily lives. I don't move that quickly. I like things to be gradual. I like getting to know people a little at a time.
I have a lot of fears around how I'm going to react to her. I'm a little bit competitive. I'm aware of this. As such, a part of me is worried that I'm going to try and flirt with her and to win her over. I'm worried that I'm going to try and make there be more of a relationship between the two of us, because I know that my husband would be quite pleased if that happened. On the other hand, I'm worried that I won't get along with her at all, and that it will cause all kinds of stress between my husband and me.
Overall, I'm just a big ball of worry. One day at a time, I guess.
However, it looks like things are about to change again. My husband's girlfriend is coming to our city for a month. She will be staying with her primary, but her primary and she have decided that my husband has priority time with her, because he leaves for his job again in a couple of weeks.
I know it's selfish of me, but my thought is that it's all well and good for them to decide that, but why wasn't I consulted? I know that their relationship with each other really doesn't involve consulting me, but I would have liked to have been asked what I was expecting.
The thing is, I don't know what to expect. My husband wants me to get to know his girlfriend. He is planning things so that we get to spend time with each other. But since I've never met her, I'm not sure that I want to spend time with her. I want to be able to play things by ear a little more. I'm terrified of being the third wheel for the next couple of weeks. I'm doing my best to open up time for them to spend together. But then I'm left wondering when my time will be, and if my time gets to be fun, or if it's just going to be all about the things that need to be done. Yet again, I get to be the "no fun" wife.
I know that I make myself feel this way and that I read too much into things. I have assumptions that my husband knows the same information I know. His girlfriend's primary has every Sunday off. (I know this.) So when I found out that Sunday was the day that my husband was going to spend with me, I automatically thought that it was because his girlfriend was already going to be busy. As it turns out, he didn't know what her primary's schedule was, and that it was just my assumption.
It didn't take much though for me to get it into my head that I was just "filler," especially since she arrives tomorrow, and they're going to be seeing each other daily until Sunday.
I know that the two of them are used to being able to pretty much see each other every day. I feel very much like I'm out of control of the whole situation, though. I don't know how I'm going to feel about her, and I don't want to instantly have her become part of our daily lives. I don't move that quickly. I like things to be gradual. I like getting to know people a little at a time.
I have a lot of fears around how I'm going to react to her. I'm a little bit competitive. I'm aware of this. As such, a part of me is worried that I'm going to try and flirt with her and to win her over. I'm worried that I'm going to try and make there be more of a relationship between the two of us, because I know that my husband would be quite pleased if that happened. On the other hand, I'm worried that I won't get along with her at all, and that it will cause all kinds of stress between my husband and me.
Overall, I'm just a big ball of worry. One day at a time, I guess.
Derbylicious
New member
Maux Faux says to "get bent".
It's all gonna be OK.
Maux Faux is a wise woman and I should listen to her more often.
Derbylicious
New member
You know that man of mine is so easy going, he's never had any issues with anything that I've done at all. I kind of think he'd just go with it if it were reversed. I just run worst-case scenarios in my head. Chances are that when this all becomes reality, it won't be nearly as bad as I think it will be. I'm overreacting, as I tend to do on a regular basis. I have to stop turning stuff around in my head. Not everything is about me!
redpepper
Active member
K. First of all, I would say these things in front of your husband if he and I were having a discussion. I am answering this as I would any post, as it's how I talk and I am not changing anything just because I am your girlfriend.
I realize that your husband might not want to know what I think, but the fact of the matter is you have written this in a post, so I feel it is up for grabs. If there is something that comes up because of that, then I will assume he will tell me. So, here goes.
I thought I would break this down a bit. You seem to be having trouble expressing all this in times of heightened emotional intensity, so I hope it helps. I'm writing all of this as a question, in the hopes that I understand what is going on for you. I am hoping you will feel compelled to let us know if this is how you are feeling, and perhaps feel like you would like to expand on each point and add others.
You feel you are not being consulted or respected in terms of the speed this is going.
You feel like the delicateness of the situation has not been respected/considered in terms of you.
You are not feeling safe, secure. You feel somewhat threatened by the situation.
Your insecurity about being a third wheel and not good enough is being triggered.
All of the above is making you feel out of control and that is not comfortable for you
Does any of this ring true? Would you change something or add something?
Again, it's too fast. You have every right to feel that way and advocate for that.
I barely know your hubby, and you barely know mine, and we have known each other a year! It's a different type of knowing when we become a part of someone's everyday lives. It's not a casual thing. Metamours have a deeper relationship than just friends. I'm sure your hubby doesn't know her other boyfriend that well either, enough to want to be around him every day. To me, knowing someone enough to be in their everyday lives is being able to talk about the hard shit with each other without feeling like you are going to be judged and told to be dumped. Why would you want to invest in her that much before taking time to get to know her, and more importantly, how she is with hubby and your kids?
None of us feel like that yet, in your whole constellation. I don't know how you are with my hubby, my boy, or my boyfriend, and we have hung out a lot. I'm just getting to know that. These things take time. Why should you just shrug it off and believe that you will think she is the best thing ever because her boyfriends have said so? Why would you want to hang out with her all the time, or be okay with hubby being with her all the time? You and your husband don't hang out with me that much, even. In fact, the whole time your husband has been home, we have barely talked. Why? Because I respect your primary relationship enough to give you time while he is (briefly) around. There will be time for us in the future.
Okay, alarm bells here! I would not be okay with you being with anyone else just yet. I don't care what your hubby and her boyfriend want. I do not want that! End of story. I would have a really hard time with that. It would lead to a lot of questions as to whether I would be okay staying in our relationship. That is too fast for me.
I have no problem pointing out that I need to be respected as the one needing the most support, and therefore, the one that the pace should be set at. I'm not even sure that I can even ask for that yet. Yup, now I'm nervous. It seems this is all set up to revolve around the three of them, without consideration for anyone else.
Hmm...
Interesting how this all trickles down.
I realize that your husband might not want to know what I think, but the fact of the matter is you have written this in a post, so I feel it is up for grabs. If there is something that comes up because of that, then I will assume he will tell me. So, here goes.
I thought I would break this down a bit. You seem to be having trouble expressing all this in times of heightened emotional intensity, so I hope it helps. I'm writing all of this as a question, in the hopes that I understand what is going on for you. I am hoping you will feel compelled to let us know if this is how you are feeling, and perhaps feel like you would like to expand on each point and add others.
You feel you are not being consulted or respected in terms of the speed this is going.
You feel like the delicateness of the situation has not been respected/considered in terms of you.
You are not feeling safe, secure. You feel somewhat threatened by the situation.
Your insecurity about being a third wheel and not good enough is being triggered.
All of the above is making you feel out of control and that is not comfortable for you
Does any of this ring true? Would you change something or add something?
Talk to Nerdist about making assumptions and having expectations. He and I have this kind of miscommunication almost daily. It can be learned from, so that you can move on. It sucks, but in my experience, it's all a part of it. It doesn't help that everything else is going on, because moving on from it seems to go faster when there is nothing major going on. Which is why working on the other shit is helpful!
Again, it's too fast. You have every right to feel that way and advocate for that.
I barely know your hubby, and you barely know mine, and we have known each other a year! It's a different type of knowing when we become a part of someone's everyday lives. It's not a casual thing. Metamours have a deeper relationship than just friends. I'm sure your hubby doesn't know her other boyfriend that well either, enough to want to be around him every day. To me, knowing someone enough to be in their everyday lives is being able to talk about the hard shit with each other without feeling like you are going to be judged and told to be dumped. Why would you want to invest in her that much before taking time to get to know her, and more importantly, how she is with hubby and your kids?
None of us feel like that yet, in your whole constellation. I don't know how you are with my hubby, my boy, or my boyfriend, and we have hung out a lot. I'm just getting to know that. These things take time. Why should you just shrug it off and believe that you will think she is the best thing ever because her boyfriends have said so? Why would you want to hang out with her all the time, or be okay with hubby being with her all the time? You and your husband don't hang out with me that much, even. In fact, the whole time your husband has been home, we have barely talked. Why? Because I respect your primary relationship enough to give you time while he is (briefly) around. There will be time for us in the future.
Okay, alarm bells here! I would not be okay with you being with anyone else just yet. I don't care what your hubby and her boyfriend want. I do not want that! End of story. I would have a really hard time with that. It would lead to a lot of questions as to whether I would be okay staying in our relationship. That is too fast for me.
I have no problem pointing out that I need to be respected as the one needing the most support, and therefore, the one that the pace should be set at. I'm not even sure that I can even ask for that yet. Yup, now I'm nervous. It seems this is all set up to revolve around the three of them, without consideration for anyone else.
Hmm...
Interesting how this all trickles down.
redpepper
Active member
Derby, easygoing is great, but it can be seen as not being aware of, or considering other's feelings when someone thinks that others should behave the same way as them and be just like them. I'm not saying your husband is doing this just yet, as he probably needs to catch up with what is going on for you.
I know he loves you and his kids. I'm glad you are talking and allowing yourself to show your vulnerability in all this, so he can see how everything is affecting you. Chances are, he will be empathetic and work towards creating a better way of doing things.
You are beautiful in every way. There is no reason to think you have to be different, or that what you feel and what you need should not be considered.
I know he loves you and his kids. I'm glad you are talking and allowing yourself to show your vulnerability in all this, so he can see how everything is affecting you. Chances are, he will be empathetic and work towards creating a better way of doing things.
You are beautiful in every way. There is no reason to think you have to be different, or that what you feel and what you need should not be considered.