Casual Sex - Discussion

I love personal choices. When they are made consciously, with self awareness, what is more awesome than that? That said, it is true that the choices a person makes today about their sexuality are different from the choices they made 10 years ago and 10 years before that, because we are evolving (hopefully), each of us individually, and as a culture. My sexual self-perspective has changed many times throughout the years, but thankfully I have learned from my mistakes (wrong choices) and I am committed to gaining as much awareness as I can, and the ability and willingness to make conscious choices daily.
 
"Being sexually self-actualized is important, and once you've taken the time to understand yourself, your motivations, and your needs, there really isn't a whole lot limiting you but your own conscience."

The article seemed shallow and frivolous to me. Magazine writers need something to write about, and just because Lady Gaga said it doesn't make it so. I feel irritated by reports of trends of any kind because, in the end, it's an individual choice whom I screw, when, and how much, and the only thing that matters is how I feel about myself before, during and after.

Now that I got that off my chest, I will say that my sexual liberation has done more for my whole-person liberation than any other endeavor I've embarked upon, including therapy, meditation, yoga, 12 steps, etc., etc.

Korindino's quote says it all.
 
redpepper said:
choice
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This is the message I zeroed in on, individual, non-influenced choice. Too many people seem to get caught up in the need to act a certain way or think a certain way, to feel a part of things or gain acceptance. Sometimes this is driven by key people who have figured things out for themselves and naturally assume that it is the way it should be for everyone.

(Sam Malone! LOL)

Often they attract a collection of people who may have the same ideas, and sometimes that gets conveyed as a type of idol worship. Sometimes it makes people look ridiculous.

I don't even know if this is related. Sorry, Lilo.
 
Maybe I'm not "qualified" to have an opinion on this because I'm not female. But if I am, I would say that this article is nothing more than well-disguised conservative right-wing propaganda.

We kind of had a similar discussion (that never went real deep) regarding the whole gay acceptance issue. Despite the fact that there were peaks in activism and public awareness that intimidated many people into putting on a face of "changing" their outlook, down deep, really deep, little changed.

So, although during the '60s and '70s there was a swell of female sexual liberation (and acceptance) on the surface, at the root little seems to have changed. The conservatives have never ceased in their efforts to undermine and discredit any concept that a woman should be able to screw anyone, anytime, anyplace, with full celebration of their own fulfillment, and without guilt. So, be careful, ladies. They are STILL out to slap the chains (and chastity belts) on you, or better yet, have you slap them on yourselves and BELIEVE it was your own choice!

GS
 
lovebird13 said:
"Being sexually self-actualized is important, and once you've taken the time to understand yourself, your motivations, and your needs, there really isn't a whole lot limiting you but your own conscience."

The article seemed shallow and frivolous to me. Magazine writers need something to write about and just because Lady Gaga said it doesn't make it so. I feel irritated by reports of trends of any kind because, in the end, it's an individual choice whom I screw, when, and how much, and the only thing that matters is how I feel about myself before, during and after. I will say that my sexual liberation has done more for my whole-person liberation than any other endeavor I've embarked upon including therapy, meditation, yoga, 12 steps, etc.

Korindino's quote says it all.
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I'm not sure I understand what you mean by frivolous. Aren't you saying what the article is saying?

Love the quote! I'm going to use that, for sure. Thanks. :)
 
redpepper said:
For me, it's a matter of not fucking friends. End of story. There is far too much chance of damage, and I would lose far too much of what I have gained in terms of self love and empowerment. Besides, there is so much to be gained by sticking with a few good lovers and really developing what it means to make their toes curl, and teaching and learning from them what make my toes curl.
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I can't say that I have the same reasons, but I do feel the same way. I like to keep my "people that I have sex with" and my "people that I think of as friends" separate. For me, it's a sort of drama tolerance. If I am having sex with someone, I have a different level of tolerance for drama than if I am not. If I could potentially have sex with most of my friends, then that means there would be a LOT of people who'd bug me at work because they need to recover a profile from Windows XP. (Yes, this happened before.) If they are just friends, and they ask for stuff like this, I'll just tell them to call the "Geek Squad."


YGirl said:
But have you had an orgasm with a treadmill?
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I haven't, but it isn't unheard of. They are called "coregasms." I do concede your point, though. :D
 
redpepper said:
How do you deal with that when you go into casual sex for the #1 reason, having fun expressing yourself, and connecting without being used? I have seen this and had this happen to me, time and time again! What does one do when one has GIVEN of themselves, only to be tossed aside once they get off?
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I think a lot of it has to do with your expectations heading into it. When I've had casual sex, I didn't expect anything beyond the encounter itself. It's the only time that I'm entirely selfish during sex, because I don't expect to get anything from them unless I "take" it (in a reciprocal, non-forceful, non-emotional way... struggled to figure how to say that without sounding like a rapist). But I never led them to believe there would be anything beyond that night.

So I guess the answer to that is, if you're having sex outside of an established romantic relationship, the safest way is to not "give" anything (emotionally). Heck, I wouldn't even "give" anything physically. E.g., I don't enjoy the act of giving blowjobs in and of itself, but I love giving them to my husband because I love him and love to do pleasurable things for him. But I would never give a blowjob in a casual setting, because there would be nothing in it for me. Whereas intercourse is "sharing" because we both get something out of it at the same time.

For me its a matter of not fucking friends. End of story. There is far too much chance of damage and I would lose far too much of what I have gained in terms of self love and empowerment.
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I can understand that and I won't question a decision like that in someone else's life.

I personally feel that any friendship which is strong enough to be worth protecting in the first place would be strong enough to survive a sexual encounter. But if you value the friendship, you definitely need to talk about it first. A LOT. Discuss what will happen if one person develops feelings from the encounter. Discuss whether the desire is strong enough to explore those feelings.

For me, when romantic feelings develop with someone I'm close to, the "friendship" is over, in one way or another. I can't just turn off those feelings and pretend to be satisfied with friendship. So if there's no possibility to develop it into romance, then I would probably have to pull away from the person and the friendship just to protect myself from the pain of seeing them and not being able to be with them.

I'm not a "something is better than nothing" kind of person. I want it all, or I want to get on with my life.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
e.g. I don't enjoy the act of giving blowjobs in and of itself, but I love giving them to my husband because I love him and love to do pleasurable things for him. But I would never give a blowjob in a casual setting, because there would be nothing in it for me.
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Interesting. I DO enjoy giving a blow-job for the sake of itself, and I've done it in a "casual setting" where I did not have an orgasm of my own body, and never thought of it as having "nothing in it for me". I get an endorphin high out of it which probably comes from the different layers of power-exchange... being on one's knees is a sort of submissive position, but I've got my teeth around someone else's genitals which is a somewhat dominant position... The juxtaposition of these positions is a huge turn-on. Plus, there are other things, such as really being able to experience someone else's orgasm that is not quite the same as when you're also focused on your own - this is one reason i'm not a big fan of sixty-nine.

But now, this is getting to the point where we might have to split some of the posts off into another thread, and I might need a cold shower.
 
SC, thank you for your post. I appreciate your patience and non-judgmental response. I hesitate every time I post my feelings on casual sex, as I fear that they will be met with judgment and that people will think that I am trying to convert others to my point of view. I don't have any judgment of what others do in their sex lives. Sure, I cringe sometimes, but it isn't out of judgment, but because I find it hard to empathize. I have been trying to get to the bottom of how I feel, so that I don't cringe anymore, and I think you have helped me immensely with your post.

I understand this...

SchrodingersCat said:
I think a lot of it has to do with your expectations heading into it. When I've had casual sex, I didn't expect anything beyond the encounter itself. It's the only time that I'm entirely selfish during sex, because I don't expect to get anything from them unless I "take" it (in a reciprocal, non-forceful, non-emotional way... struggled to figure how to say that without sounding like a rapist). But I never led them to believe there would be anything beyond that night. So I guess the answer to that is, if you're having sex outside of an established romantic relationship, the safest way is to not "give" anything (emotionally).
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I think I have been giving too much thought and emotion going into casual situations. The thing is, I don't see the point in bothering without giving. Hmm... It's nice to give, I guess, but I think I prefer not to now, in life. I have given too much and really just want to give to those that are closest to me, relationship-wise.

SchrodingersCat said:
Any friendship which is strong enough to be worth protecting in the first place would be strong enough to survive a sexual encounter. But if you value the friendship, you definitely need to talk about it first. Discuss what will happen if one person develops feelings from the encounter. Discuss whether the desire is strong enough to explore those feelings.

For me, when romantic feelings develop with someone I'm close to, the "friendship" is over, one way or another. I can't just turn off those feelings and pretend to be satisfied with friendship. So if there's no possibility to develop it into romance, then I would probably have to pull away from the person and the friendship just to protect myself from the pain of seeing them and not being able to be with them.

I'm not a "something is better than nothing" kind of person. I want it all, or I want to get on with my life.
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Thanks for this, too. I have been in these situations and agree entirely. Right now, there is no room for any of my friends to become intimate friends or FWBs, but I get it.
 
YGirl said:
Interesting. I DO enjoy giving a blow-job for the sake of itself, and I've done it in a "casual setting" where I did not have an orgasm of my own body, and never thought of it as having "nothing in it for me".
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Yep. I understand in principle that many women actually enjoy giving blowjobs. It took me a really long time to actually believe it, that they weren't just being used or doing it for some other benefit. Now, I can totally understand the empowering ability to control a man's orgasm that way, and the vulnerability it puts them in. I just dislike the physical sensation of putting a penis in my mouth.

RP: I get where you're coming from. I have the luxury of being 28, childless, with all the time in the world. As an introverted homebody, I spend most of that time on my own, but I like it that way. I enjoy company, too. Don't really find myself desiring casual sex anymore -- I find much more satisfaction from spiritual/reflective type experiences, like yoga or helping people who need it.
 
Thanks for bringing it up, Y-girl. *waves hand in the air* oh oh oh ME! I love giving blow jobs and hand jobs for exactly the reason you stated.
Yippee! Now I want to give one!

Who's up for it? (Just kidding!) I mean, where's Mono? :D
 
YGirl said:
But now, this is getting to the point where we might have to split some of the posts off into another thread, and I might need a cold shower.
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You might? Jesus... I might have to stop reading this forum at work. Haha

The juxtaposition you mention is the exact reason why I love blowjobs...now. This will sound odd, but enjoying blowjobs is really recent for me. I refused to let girls do it, because it was just so damn dominant I couldn't handle it. Not to mention being uncut makes the technique very different, something most North American women do not get on the first try.

This is one reason I'm not a big fan of sixty-nine.
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Now, this is something I have always enjoyed. (Yeah, I know I said I didn't like blowjobs, but this is a whole different world...) I think it's a timing thing for me, or even a competition. But it's one of the few times the guy and girl are working out of sync to make the same end result, ideally at the same time. I find it an incredible feeling if it all comes together.
 
With 69, I don't like the angle, either. It's not possible for me to position so that the guy can get his mouth on my pussy and I can maneuver my mouth effectively over his penis. I suppose I could do it with another female because our anatomy is different.

When I first got with my husband he didn't want blowjobs but now he rarely refuses one.

I do not think there is much difference between sucking a circumcised versus an uncircumcised penis when they are erect. The uncircumcised one just has looser skin and I'd put my hand on it and hold it back, and voila, instant circumcised penis.
 
YGirl said:
With 69, I don't like the angle, either. It's not possible for me to position so that the guy can get his mouth on my pussy and I can maneuver my mouth effectively over his penis. I suppose I could do it with another female because our anatomy is different.
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At 6'5 I find this less of a problem. Average height girls fit fine. My tall girlfriends were usually at my knees and the short ones at my belly button. There are definite logistic issues with 69ing.

I do not think there is much difference between sucking a circumcised versus an uncircumcised penis when they are erect. The uncircumcised one just has looser skin and I'd put my hand on it and hold it back, and voila, instant circumcised penis.
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There is for some. Some foreskin is tighter than others, so you can't just start reaming on it as some women are prone to do. This is one where girls who learned from porn are at a massive disadvantage.

I had one girl attack my penis like a porn star. I ended up slapping the back of her head to make her stop. Women complain about men not taking direction. Well, it can happen the other way too. haha She wasn't believing me when I was telling her to stop.
 
GroundedSpirit said:
Despite the fact that there were peaks in activism and public awareness that intimidated many people into putting on a face of "changing" their outlook, down deep, REALLY deep, little changed.

So although during the '60s and '70s there was a swell of female sexual liberation (and acceptance) on the surface, at the root little seems to have changed.

So be careful, ladies. They are STILL out to slap the chains (and chastity belts) on you! Or better yet, have you slap them on yourselves and BELIEVE it was your own choice.
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I don't think that someone's REALLY deep outlook on anything is anyone's business other than the person who holds that outlook.

True, we won't be able to change things at the root, but in this case I think that the cure (policing someone's deepest thoughts, complete with mandatory painful self-examination and correction when those thoughts are not in line with societal norms) is far worse than the disease.

In regards to casual sex, I think that we will always have some people who are uncomfortable with it. As long as they don't actually do something about their discomfort (which we should resist), I think it is part of living in a society that is not ideologically pure.
 
Ariakas said:
There is for some. Some foreskin is tighter than others, so you can't just start reaming on it as some women are prone to do. :)...This is one are where girls who learned from porn, are at a massive disadvantage.

I had one girl attack my penis like a porn star, ended up slapping the back of her head to make her stop, women complain about men not taking direction, well it can happen the other way to hahahaha she wasn't believing me when I was telling her to stop :D
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Anyone who uses porn as an instructional video is going to find themselves needing a reality-check. You may have heard the saying that if a pose or position is comfortable, it probably doesn't look good on camera, and vice-versa.

I haven't watched THAT much porn (compared to how much is out there), but it got to the point where I could tell if my partner had been watching too much porn because of what they were trying to do and how they were trying to do it.

"Um, excuse me, but did you see this in a skin-flick?"

"Yeah... "[Name of Some Generic Porno Flick]". Why? You've seen that one?"

"No, but I can tell that what you're doing won't work, so I assumed you saw it on film and wanted to try it out."

"Oh. How do you KNOW it won't work?"

Etc.

Don't even get me started on the guys who thought they would fuck me in the ass and then get me to suck their dick right afterward. Ain't gonna happen, not in this life or any other. Just because I'm "adventurous" doesn't mean I'll do whatever comes to mind (and I do not take it up the ass. I think I discussed this in another thread, or maybe earlier in this one).
 
DharmaBum23 said:
As long as they don't actually do something about their discomfort.
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You mean like imposing their beliefs on others through some kind of enforceable societal judgement?

As far as the basic discussion of casual sex goes, is it really anything more than "what works for me doesn't have to work for you"?

The only implication of differing views I can really see is when determining if someone fits our own criteria to have a relationship with. Not everyone is compatible, but no one's opinion of casual sex is evolved or the right path for anyone but themselves.
 
YGirl said:
But now, this is getting to the point where we might have to split some of the posts off into another thread, and I might need a cold shower.
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You already gave me reason for a cold shower.

:cool:
 
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