My heart is broken -- and I couldn't be happier

A

AJM

New member
I've been with my GF for 3 1/2 months and living with her for almost 2. She's beautiful like a model, screws like a porn star and parties like a rock star. We had such amazing chemistry! I loved her SO much. She was so easy to be with. We fluid bonded in January and I wanted to be with her a looong time (even after my wife moved in with me this spring). I'm surprised at how strong my feelings for her were.

The problem is, she's mono and this was her first experience with poly. Early on I asked her exactly what she wanted from life. She wanted to meet an amazing guy, fall in love and get married. Like Meatloaf said: "2 out of 3 ain't bad." Getting married was kinda a thing for her and something I couldn't give her.

She was with me while still looking for "Mr. Right." and he may have come along. He's VERY jealous of me and if she's going to try to make this work she can't be seeing me anymore. I feel so lost and empty without her, but I love her so much I'm jumping with joy that she has the chance to get everything she wants, even if I'm cut out of the picture.

You never know which day, which kiss will be the last. Don't take any of them for granted. I'll remember her and the time we spent together for the rest of my life.
 
Do you mean you've been with her 3 1/2 years, living together 2 years? I mean, 3 1/2 months isn't so long. And that would mean you moved in together after only 1 1/2 months together?
 
Magdlyn said:
Do you mean you've been with her 3 1/2 years, living together 2 years? I mean, 3 1/2 months isn't so long. And that would mean you moved in together after only 1 1/2 months together?
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Yes, months. It was a whirlwind romance. The chemistry was incredible. I was very much under her spell/charms.

@GalaGirl: I've known it was coming. I've prepared for this day but all I can think about is all the things I wanted to do with her, activities, weekend getaways to Toronto or NYC, that we'll never have a chance to do. I'm locking myself away till I can cry it all out.
 
She moved in with you lock stock and barrel after a month? A 52 year old woman? Is she now homeless after a mere 3 month affair? Or did she already move in with her "husband to be?" Was this "mono" woman dating others while you and she were having your thing, partying and fucking like porn/rock stars? You fluid bonded in January. January 1 is 3 1/2 months ago, which means you fluid bonded on the first date?
 
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no, I was living with her. I'm in a new city basically living out of a suitcase for a year so it was easy. it took 6 weeks before bonding & moving in happened. in hindsight that was a little fast...

yeah, she was still looking for "husband" material while we were together. I encouraged her to date.
 
You've never been happier. Yet you're locking yourself away crying your eyes out. I don't get the idea you're crying with ultimate joy and bliss and satisfaction.

I don't know your current situation, but I get the idea you met G online perhaps, then moved to her city, perhaps for work (?), leaving your wife behind. And then you just immediately moved in with G at her invitation, having unprotected sex, lots of it, "partying" (booze and drugs? clubbing?) etc., enjoying your infatuation. But you were (possibly) just a toy for her while she kept up her husband hunt.

So, now you're the homeless one? And also companionless, no wife, no gf, while your suddenly ex gf is now exclusively dating her potential Mr Right.

This is not polyamory. This is you being used for sex by a woman who is not poly, just playing the field with intentions to "settle down" into marriage asap.

Yes, you were carried away You got way involved with her way too fast. I am glad you realize that. I wish you well as you find your footing in your new city alone. I hope you've found a comfortable place to live at least. When does your wife come to join you? Is this a permanent move for both of you? Is your wife fine with you having had unprotected sex with this relative stranger, with a possibly unknown sexual history? Was G also having unprotected sex with others as she dated, searching for her Mr Right? Has anyone been tested for STDs lately?
 
@GalaGirl: I've known it was coming. I've prepared for this day but all I can think about is all the things I wanted to do with her, activities, weekend getaways to Toronto or NYC, that we'll never have a chance to do. I'm locking myself away till I can cry it all out.
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Well, it's mixed feelings. You wish her well, and are happy about that part. But you miss her and are sad about that part.

Moving in so soon seems rays to me. But at same time? It's also over. You sound like you knew what you were getting into -- a temporary thing. You went there with eyes open. Now it ran its course.

At this point? Do your appropriate self care, get your stuff sorted out with where you will live next and so on. Keep moving it forward.

Galagirl
 
Magdlyn said:
You've never been happier. Yet you're locking yourself away crying your eyes out. I don't get the idea you're crying with ultimate joy and bliss and satisfaction.

I don't know your current situation, but I get the idea you met G online perhaps, then moved to her city, perhaps for work (?), leaving your wife behind. And then you just immediately moved in with G at her invitation, having unprotected sex, lots of it, "partying" (booze and drugs? clubbing?) etc., enjoying your infatuation. But you were (possibly) just a toy for her while she kept up her husband hunt.

So, now you're the homeless one? And also companionless, no wife, no gf, while your suddenly ex gf is now exclusively dating her potential Mr Right.

This is not polyamory. This is you being used for sex by a woman who is not poly, just playing the field with intentions to "settle down" into marriage asap.

Yes, you were carried away You got way involved with her way too fast. I am glad you realize that. I wish you well as you find your footing in your new city alone. I hope you've found a comfortable place to live at least. When does your wife come to join you? Is this a permanent move for both of you? Is your wife fine with you having had unprotected sex with this relative stranger, with a possibly unknown sexual history? Was G also having unprotected sex with others as she dated, searching for her Mr Right? Has anyone been tested for STDs lately?
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wow Mags, you have quite an imagination. I'd me mad or offended at your less-than-human painting of us but it's just too funny. I appreciate sarcasm.

Yes, I'm going through waves of loss and abandonment but that's completely normal at a time like this. I'm happy in the sense that I'd do anything to ensure her happiness even at the cost of some of my own. Isn't that what REAL love is all about? You may be unfamiliar with people who care deeply for other people.

We've both been tested. I trust and believe her when she says what she doing is using protection.

In any case, I'll be too busy over the next 2 months to worry about what could have been because I'm moving my wife up here permanently. We talk every day. She knows exactly what's going on.

I wouldn't change a thing or trade a single day we had together. Fast? Maybe. My heart forgot to check with your schedule before it started feeling. Sorry about that.

Way to misinterpret every word and jump to all of the wrong conclusions. What's happened in your life to make you so negative and bitter?
 
AJM said:
I'm happy in the sense that I'd do anything to ensure her happiness even at the cost of some of my own. Isn't that what REAL love is all about? You may be unfamiliar with people who care deeply for other people.
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Uhm, no. That's what being a real doormat is all about. Love is give and take. People who love you don't just toss you away when you become inconvenient.
 
Hi AJM,

What you're experiencing sounds like an ultimate case of compersion. This relationship meant the world to you, yet you do not begrudge your girlfriend the relationship she wants with the other guy, even when it means you had to lose her. So kudos for that, and I hope you find some healing in the months ahead.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi AJM,

What you're experiencing sounds like an ultimate case of compersion. This relationship meant the world to you, yet you do not begrudge your girlfriend the relationship she wants with the other guy, even when it means you had to lose her. So kudos for that, and I hope you find some healing in the months ahead.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Thank you Kevin. I picked up the last of my things from her house yesterday. We were very nice and all smiles. Very friendly parting. I wished her all the best. I told her to call or text anytime.

The truth is, this doesn't change the way I feel about her one bit. She's still the beautiful, exciting woman I fell in love with. Her voice is still music to my ears.

Now I'm concentrating on getting my awesome wife moved up here. We're going to have a grand adventure in her new city.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
Uhm, no. That's what being a real doormat is all about. Love is give and take. People who love you don't just toss you away when you become inconvenient.
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I disagree with both ShrogingersCat and Magdlyn in this case. Instead of taking either of their expressed views on this matter, I'm much more inclined to accept that AJM knows how to interpret and understand his own unfolding experience. He hardly seems to be a "doormat"-- fer gawd's sake, he's said he is grieving a loss here. But he seems to me to respect the fact that his whirlwind romance partner really wants to one day become married, something AJM could not offer (just like he said it). So he let go. And now he's loving her in this other way, a way which is quite unselfish, it seems. But then when he speaks of it in here his experience seems to be pathologized ("doormat" is a pathologizing term).

I don't have any reason not to believe these two people really did share genuine love together. Perhaps they both understood from the beginning (almost?) that their love would not be of the very long term kind ... and accepted that. This does not make it less loving, valid, meaningful, true.... Not all love experiences must (or can) result in marriage or one of its analogues.

Please be kind to this loving man as he grieves his loss in such a courageous, honest and loving way.
 
I guess I don't believe in love at first sight. Strong infatuation is as common as dirt. Love takes time. With frequent contact, you may know another well enough after a year to really be in love. Prior to that, it's generally just fun and games. Lots of fun!! Lots of sex! :D

I also don't believe in moving in together on the 2nd date. I may be half lesbian but I think U Haul lesbians are careless. :rolleyes:

3 months of shagging and drugs are all well and good. I'd get over it quickly if it were me (and I wasn't a moony teenager).:eek:

Good times though. Nice memories. Hopefully he gets over it. I guess they can't remain friends since her new Mr Right is terribly jealous. :(
 
Magdlyn said:
I guess I don't believe in love at first sight. Strong infatuation is as common as dirt. Love takes time. With frequent contact, you may know another well enough after a year to really be in love. Prior to that, it's generally just fun and games. Lots of fun!! Lots of sex! :D(
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I don't think we're all alike in how long it takes to experience genuine love toward (or with) a person. We differ in this respect as much perhaps as the many others we're all agreeing we differ in.

But I would agree that discovering mutual compatibility for a long term, committed relationship does take a considerable amount of time together. Just because people are "in love" is no reason they are also compatible in this way, obviously (most everyone in here seems to agree on at least this much).

Anyway, there's just this one little English word, "love" which, when uttered, we hardly know what the other thinks of it as. Not until we ask and get into the finer specifics and details. And even then it can just be mostly an inexplicable feeling that asserts itself unbidden, with little ability to explain finer details.

When I was in my middle to late twenties I could fall in love at the drop of a hat -- and often did. It never meant I had to be compatible with the person, or know him or her very well -- which can take years, at least. And one also has to know one's self pretty well to know another well -- and that can take a whole lifetime. At least.
 
Judging the quality of a relationship based on time is something I thought most of us were beyond.
 
AJM said:
Judging the quality of a relationship based on time is something I thought most of us were beyond.
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It's not that, AJM. It's just that calling it "love" when all you mention is her looks, her sex and her ability to party like a rock star... Is it really love? I mean, you obviously didn't share life goals. You didn't talk about having interests in common other than sex and drugs.

Sure, it was a great time. You knew it was time limited, so why the heartbreak?

I guess, I've just become more cautious with my heart as I've gotten experience in poly. I hold my emotions in check until more time passes. I've had several "relationships" that fizzled after 2-7 months. They didn't cause me to cry my eyes out when they didn't work out. I guess you were hopeful she wouldn't find Mr Right so soon and you'd have more time for fun with her. "Love" on your side, and apparently just a good time with a disposable person from her end.

I'm glad your wife will be joining you soon.
 
anomaly said:
I read somewhere that the end of a shorter relationship can actually be more painful than a long one because you're still in the NRE stage so the feelings are more intense.
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This is from another thread, but pertains here. I cried my eyes out last fall over the end of a two month relationship. I'd never want to hold back my heart because that is what hurts for me. Flinging my heart open and letting love flow feels so good and I can feel love for someone pretty early on, easily within the first week, and enjoy it for a good, long while. My husband and I met and married within three months and we had 15 great years. Everyone is different, I suppose, but my experience is that I for sure can feel love for a new person right away.
 
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