Girlfriend needs to drink to be intimate with me

L

lisa6

New member
My husband and I are in a triad... we have group dates and individual dates with girlfriend..we also have group sex and one on one sex too..

Husband mentioned to me that girlfriend texted him that she needs a lot to drink to be intimate with me...that she really only gets into pussy if she drinks..

To hear this really hurt me..

We have been intimate when sober though...

Anyway what do I do?
 
Hi lisa6,

Right now you need to think about whether you are willing to have sex with your girlfriend, knowing that she is using alcohol to prop up her interest in you. It's not like you can stop her from drinking. You could confront her about it, but I am thinking that that would not improve the situation.

Does your girlfriend consider herself bisexual? or more, heteroflexible, or bi-curious? Maybe it isn't about you personally, it is more about her orientation. Maybe.

I know you are hurt over this, and I don't blame you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Enjoy sex with your drunk girlfriend?

My wife was only really into sex after having a few drinks. Sometimes knowing that bothered me, but it wasn't about me. That's just the way she was. But she still would have sex when completely sober so it wasn't like she was a lush all the time.

That's a little different than your situation though. There is almost a loss of consent on her part even though she is doing it willingly. I might question how real the relationship is.

And why is your husband telling you this? That is troubling.
 
To hear this really hurt me.
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So why is husband telling you this stuff? For what purpose?

Rather then telling GF something like... "GF, stop drinking just to share woman to woman sex if you are not actually excited about sharing sex like that. If you are not into Lisa6 anymore? Tell her you want to break up if you rather not be lovers/dating. We can try being a V and stop trying to make it be triad. And stop putting me in the middle texting me things like this. Talk to Lisa directly."

I'd have a hard time sharing sex with a lover knowing they have to drink a lot of booze to share sex with me. How's that supposed to be a turn on? :confused: You can't MAKE her be more into you as a lover if she just isn't. Add all the other up and down stuff that happens in this relationship?

There's a point where it's just easier emotionally to stop and not do it any more because I'm tired of trying. And I'm not getting enough return on my investment. Like it's become more "drain" than "yay" to keep trying to be in this relationship.

I don't know how you feel about that. Only you can make the call if this relationship is still worth pursuing or not.

If it isn't any more? I think you could talk to GF up front and tell her you think you are more into her than she is into you, so you've decided to let it go. Go back to being friends only rather than friends + GFs.

If you want to keep going with GF? Then you have to tell husband to stop telling you private texts. If GF texts him, it's to HIM not to you. So don't repeat it to you. If he thinks he's being put in the middle, he can tell her to cut it out and talk to you direct and not use him like a "loudspeaker." The triad could maintain better personal boundaries.

Galagirl
 
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A number of months ago, I discovered my male partner, Jester, often requires certain substances in order to have sex. This also hurt me deeply when he first admitted it, though in my/our case he doesn't only need to do this with ME - it is how he is wired, so to speak. He says he doesn't always need this chemical boost, but it helps motivate him and reduces performance anxiety.

He has been a drug user for decades, was in a long-term abusive relationship and was molested as a teen, so I am trying not to take it personally as I can understand and empathise to a degree. Moreover, I know he truly loves and is attracted to me, and he compliments me constantly.

Lisa, in your case, I think it would definitely help to find out how your mutual girlfriend views her orientation, as Kevin said.

If she is not truly bisexual, she may simply be more inclined towards sex with a male, even if she has romantic feelings towards you. Obviously, if this is the case (i.e.she is more or less "straight") and has to drink in order to get turned on/loosen her inhibitions to have sex with a woman - any woman - then that's something you and she need to address.

It may be that things are not "equal" in the feelings department, rather than it being a problem of sexual attraction or orientation, per se. This is fairly normal in a triad or group dynamic, as far as I can tell. People rarely love more than one partner exactly equally, or in exactly the same way. Maybe she was more into you at the start, now she and your husband are developing a closer bond. Maybe her attraction or love for each of you waxes and wanes, or depends on outside factors, for example, mutual interests in or out of the bedroom, or how well you're getting along in general.

Perhaps your gf drinks too much regardless of sex, or has some other issue she's not being forthright about. I'm assuming good intentions on the part of your husband, since it really wasn't his place to tell you what she said (though he most likely wants to help resolve the matter) - but there is always the possibility that he may be unconsciously trying to drive a wedge between you and gf. You need to ASK her to be honest with you about what's going on here.
 
It sounds to me like she's doing sexual things with you to keep your husband, not because she's really into it.

There are really only two choices about what to do. Keep doing sexual things with a drunk girlfriend who apparently doesn't really want to be there, or stop doing them.
 
lisa6 said:
Anyway what do I do?
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How about keeping a well stocked liquor cabinet. I’ve known plenty of women who get more horny/ touchy feely with a few drinks in them. I wouldn’t take it personal. She’s handing you lemons so you make gimlets. :D
 
Or she feels like she owes you something because you two keep trying to save her...
 
WhatHappened said:
It sounds to me like she's doing sexual things with you to keep your husband, not because she's really into it.

There are really only two choices about what to do. Keep doing sexual things with a drunk girlfriend who apparently doesn't really want to be there, or stop doing them.
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This is what I was thinking too. I've had women try this with me and it makes me very uncomfortable. I don't want to be a part of that. I don't think it's healthy.
 
It may be she has social or moral reservations to the relations and is trying to adjust. Society tells us no bi, be monogamous and it is an adjustment to enter into a Poly relationship
 
lisa6 said:
Husband mentioned to me that girlfriend texted him that she needs a lot to drink to be intimate with me...that she really only gets into pussy if she drinks..

Anyway what do I do?
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Lisa, you presented your latest dilemma to the forum a number of days ago now. Many forum members have taken the time to consider the issue, asked you some insightful and relevant questions, and given some quite varied advice. However you haven't responded since your OP.

Without being too presumptuous (because I understand that life can sometimes get in the way), how invested are you in finding a real, workable solution to what seems to be an endlessly problematic relationship? What do YOU think is really going on here? What do you WANT to do?
 
Did GF ever get back on antidepressants? Is she drinking instead of being on proper pharma meds to help her moods?
 
lunabunny said:
Without being too presumptuous (because I understand that life can sometimes get in the way), how invested are you in finding a real, workable solution to what seems to be an endlessly problematic relationship? What do YOU think is really going on here? What do you WANT to do?
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Thank you for asking this question.
 
Hey Lisa6,

This seems like a tough situation. You clearly care about everyone involved here and it must be hard to hear that she feels the need to drink in order to be with you that way, as well as painful. I don't know that there's any one way to go about things, or any one right answer. All I can do here is give you my input and maybe it'll help.

If one of my partners told me they needed a substance to be intimate with me, I don't think I could do it. I'd certainly attempt to keep the relationship on an emotional level, but anything physical (or sexual) would be off the table for me with them. It may be because myself and my partners all don't drink (for various reasons), so I may be very black and white about it, but that to me is like she's forcing herself into it, and that won't end well in the long run.

I would sit down and talk with her about it quite seriously and if she really feels that way, consider where your own boundaries are regarding her use of substances to/while being intimate with you.

I'd also have a chat to she and hubby both about why things are being fed through him to you and why she couldn't tell you this herself. It seems like there might be some communication problems happening here.

Hope I've helped.
-Drummer.
 
FallenAngelina said:
the amount of attention that the OP seems to be paying
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Yah. :(

What it reminds me of... well, I knew a guy who was constantly getting himself into one scrape after another: short on the rent, having problems at work, on the outs with his siblings, not enough cash to get the car fixed. It was always something. He wasn't a cash mooch, but he'd ask all his friends & acquaintances for advice, get their input, turn every conversation back to HIS needs, & generally stall until that particular crisis passed, & he moved on to the next one. I figure being the perpetual "center of attention" (in his own head, anyway) made him feel important.

IMNSHO, without demonstration of forward progress, further "input" is a waste of effort.
 
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