Pardon the rambling, its kinda what I do

G

GaiasResistance

New member
So this is where I tell you about me and what brought me here. I’ve been trying to write my intro for a little while and kept starting over. I was putting in way too much background, and then not enough context and I’m probably still failing at both of those things. What follows is as close as I think I’m going to get to accurately describing myself and telling you all what my deal is.

me = Late 30s
= bi-curious but “straight by default”/never had opportunity to explore
= all previous encounters amount to Serial Monogamy, but want to explore poly (with the other players in this story, My Story, Only)
= confused about how to handle being emotionally supportive, not crossing lines, wanting more than friendship, maintaining intimacy, and figuring out what I need/want from either, or both, of them

Rick = Early 50s
= boyfriend for the last 9.5 years
= straight
= formerly involved in poly relationships, burned badly by exes not communicating/following rules
= monogamous
= wants marriage, kids, house, and less than 3 hours round trip commute to work
= insecure i.e. worries I’m going to leave him; worries that I just want someone younger and (by his estimation) more attractive,
= established rules* about how/when I see Mike for the next year as a means of compromise when I felt trapped and Was about to leave.

Mike = Late 20s
= friend/crush for the last 7 years
= straight
= grown up in poly lifestyle, not looking to change
= doesn’t want feelings to screw up our working together (at yearly retreat where we met)
= wants to see if there is more to the apparent chemistry between us
= willing to forgo a relationship if it means we stay friends
= doesn’t want to cause problems or screw up my life
= willing to wait for me and Rick to figure things out

*Rules:
No private meet ups, public spaces and activities only.
No kissing.
Absolutely no sex.
No R or X rated conversations.

So, why am I here? I want to help Rick get past, or work through his insecurities. He doesn’t have anyone in his life that he trusts enough to share what he’s going through in this, and I don’t know how to help him. I also want to gain some perspective of what Good Poly looks like in a situation like mine, where in the best possible world, Rick is my primary partner and Mike... something else, I don’t know what. I don’t even know if what I want, or think I might be able to have with Mike is anything that could last. Mainly I worry that it’s all NRE with nowhere to go based on the rules that are in place for the next 8-10 months.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW? I think you basically call it. "The Rules" are very limiting for the next year-ish.

Mainly I worry that it’s all NRE with nowhere to go based on the rules that are in place for the next 8-10 months.
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Mike is willing to forgo a relationship if it means you and he stay friends. Are you? Stop looking at Mike as "potential BF" and leave it at "friends only" for the next year at least?


established rules* about how/when I see Mike for the next year as a means of compromise when I felt trapped and Was about to leave.
Click to expand...

Are these agreements you are happy to do and actually do agree with? Because the way you write it sounds like Rick is the boss, he makes the rules, and what he says goes. So... are you feeling any less trapped?

What is expected to happen after you clock a year sticking to these rules/agreements?

Could looking at these help? Like color the ones that are good to go "green" those that are "proceed with caution" yellow, and those that are "no, not at this time" red, and then "no way EVER" black?

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Then come back to renegotiate the colors after a year? Some of the yellow can turn green maybe?

You sound like you ultimately want to be able to date BOTH of them, but at this time Rick is not excited about participating in a poly V because he got burned in the past. Which stinks for you because you are not Rick's exes. You didn't do anything horrible to him. Yet here you have to clock some time to help him build trust that THIS time could be different.

You might be willing to clock the time if Rick is willing to work on himself in that time to Open Up better than how it went in the past.

But if it is basically that Rick NEVER wants to poly again and this is just kicking the can further down ? It might be best for you both sort that out now rather than later. Be super honest with each other. If you want poly and he doesn't? It's not compatible.

Galagirl
 
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Greetings GaiasResistance,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am wondering if Rick would consider joining this forum, and expressing his feelings here. How does he feel about your relationship with Mike? Is there something specific that bothers him about it? Is there something specific that scares him about it? What does he feel is the worst thing that could happen here? How would he attempt to cope with it if it did happen? Questions like these.

Is Rick suffering from insecurity and jealousy? If so, I can give you some links to help him:

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
“Mike is willing to forgo a relationship if it means you and he stay friends. Are you? Stop looking at Mike as "potential BF" and leave it at "friends only" for the next year at least?”

Staying friends with Mike should be the easy part, I’ve got 6 years of practice telling myself that’s all we are to each other. It has only been in this last year that he reached out and let me know that it wasn’t all in my head. We’re still getting to know one another, there are thousands of things we still don’t know and haven’t shared, despite having known each other for so long. The thing is, it feels like we’re already more than friends. True, we haven’t kissed, or shared intimate details about our lives, or spend more than a few hours at a time in each other’s company, but there’s something about the way we interact when we’re around each other that feels deeper than just friendship. Maybe it’s that we’re close and we share a connection because of how and where we met, and maybe that connection means that we’re just supposed to be in each other’s lives. I want to say I am willing to give up on finding out if we work as more than friends, and I want to mean it.


“Are these agreements you are happy to do and actually do agree with? Because the way you write it sounds like Rick is the boss, he makes the rules, and what he says goes. So... are you feeling any less trapped?”

This example here is what I was talking about when I said how much trouble I was having writing my intro, not including pertinent contexts. We both have looked at our relationship as a partnership, both of us equals, neither of us dictating terms on the other. I agreed because at the time it was the lifeline I was looking for, the only way to stay with Rick and not destroy the last 9 years of what we built together. Was I happy about the terms? Not really, but one of the things Rick said at the time he offered them was “In a true compromise, nobody walks away feeling like they got what they wanted.” I’m still not sure about that logic, but I was happy that I had more time to figure out how to make us work better. I don’t want to, but I was ready to leave him rather than try to ignore and suppress how I feel for Mike. Having the ability to openly talk about how I felt, and how I feel as regards either or both of them definitely helps me not to feel trapped.

“What is expected to happen after you clock a year sticking to these rules/agreements?”

Expected? I don’t know. At that point the terms of those rules are up for renegotiation. Depending on how the year goes between Rick and I, depending on how insecure he is about my commitment to him, it could go a few ways; either loosening the restrictions, keeping them the same, or tightening them.


At its most basic, something like the link you shared is what our rules were meant to establish. A baseline for what I was wanting and looking to try with Mike. When I first brought this to Rick, I was hoping to open our relationship up enough to just find out for sure that the chemistry between me and Mike even worked. I wanted to spend time with him outside of the only place we’d ever interacted in the history of knowing one another. Mike and I had talked about wanting the freedom to kiss and cuddle, and I knew that even going that far without Rick’s knowledge, or permission, would be cheating, which is a line I won’t cross, ever.


“You might be willing to clock the time if Rick is willing to work on himself in that time to Open Up better than how it went in the past.”

We have been open with each other about past relationships and baggage since the very beginning. I know that at least three of his previous relationships ended because they cheated on him. He knows I have no intention of ever cheating on him, I made that clear very early on and unless his insecurities convince him that I’m lying, he should know that I won’t cross that line. I’ve flat out said that if there were to come a time when I thought I might want to cheat, I would leave rather than do so.


“But if it is basically that Rick NEVER wants to poly again and this is just kicking the can further down ? It might be best for you both sort that out now rather than later. Be super honest with each other. If you want poly and he doesn't? It's not compatible.”

Yeah, this, exactly this, is what I’m most worried about.
 
Are you planning to marry Rick and have children with him? If those are his goals/wants? Do you have a house together already?

Is he currently commuting a 3 hour round trip to work every day? (I can't quite tell if that's what you mean from his list of goals). Because that sounds intolerable...when I had a crazy long commute I was basically unable to think straight or do anything.

I'm asking these questions because you seem very focused on your crush on Mike, and seem to mention only in passing that Rick has these major life desires that it's unclear if you are on board with. If Rick is in his 50s and still wants to raise children...well, he's gotta act on that pretty soon.
 
No, we don’t have a house. Rick and I have been living together in an apartment for the last three years. Prior to that we were in a long distance relationship during which the longest we went without talking to each other was three days where he did not have access to a phone. I lost sleep that week because I didn’t hear him wish me goodnight. We have essentially been in constant contact for the entirety of our relationship. Even when we were having problems, I still called him on my lunch break every day, just to check in. I say all of this to be clear, Rick is not an afterthought. He is a priority in my life and I love him. I wouldn’t be this torn up about trying to figure out what I want if that weren’t the case.

Listing his goals as I did was just part of the rambling/tmi/lack of context. The commuting issue is sooooo not on the same level as the other three dealbreakers, I included it as part of the list because trying to find something that meets all the criteria for what he’s looking for tends not to fit inside that distance/time bubble.

As for the other dealbreakers, I’ve got some pretty hefty baggage when it comes to marriage and have not been sure that it’s for me far longer than he and I have been together. I’ve gone back and forth on the kids issue many times and there’s baggage with that too. One of the largest pieces of luggage in that set is being financially unprepared to care for another living being while I’m still struggling to support even just myself. Another not so small piece is that *I* am rapidly approaching the point where risk factors for my own health and health of potential offspring go way up. As we speak I might even be passing it. The universe might make that choice for me.
 
GaiasResistance said:
.

he should know that I won’t cross that line. I’ve flat out said that if there were to come a time when I thought I might want to cheat, I would leave rather than do so.
Click to expand...


In the context of this one yr trial/ experiment how does this help him be less insecure ?

So If the tension or sexual chemistry becomes more than you can handle aren’t you telling him you’re going to walk away ? And isn’t that at the core of his insecurity being good enough for a certain span of time until something better or younger comes along.
 
If Rick wants a house closer to work, what's stopping him? He's a mature man. Late middle age! If his finances are in order, he could go ahead and start house hunting!

You two sound very dependent on each other. Which could be sweet, or could be unhealthy.

You (both) sound very indecisive. It sounds like you, personally, don't want kids. You're late 30s and maybe fear birth defects. Or maybe you fear you are already infertile, if you've never been pregnant before. Either way, you don't feel like you're a good candidate for motherhood.

To be honest, raising a kid takes a ton of energy. I wouldn't want to be having a kid in my 50's. I had my first at 30, and two more by age 35, and that was tiring enough!

I'm not sure your shaky finances are a roadblock to having kids. If Rick, in his 50s, can afford a house and a kid or kids, he would certainly be giving his money to afford his life goals, whether you're a rich bitch or not. :rolleyes:

But no. You don't want kids. And you have a huge crush on a guy you met at at a retreat. You want to be with him, figure out this "chemistry" thing, but you feel you need Rick's "permission" to do so.

Rick isn't your dad. You're a grown ass woman. You have an older lover so maybe it feels to you like he's in charge. Somehow he is your "lifeline." You don't stand on your own two feet.

So the thing with Ted, it kinda looks to me as if you and he are like teenagers, and dad doesn't approve of this Ted, and so you feel trapped and disrespected. But you're not a teenager.

I understand Rick provides security. You two have been together a pretty long time. It's cruel of you to keep him hanging on, hoping you'll agree to househunt together and start a baby. You really really don't seem to want this!

Rick has been burnt by poly. He has no interest. He wants to focus on a house and kids! Not you going off and banging some other guy. That's the last thing he wants. "His Rules" that you grudgingly agreed to, make this crystal clear.

"Set me free why dontcha babe
Get outa my life why dontcha
You really don't want me
You just keep me hanging on..."

You've got some hard choices to make.
 
And I’m out

Before I get into what I Really have to say, I wanted to address two earlier comments;

dingedheart, thank you for your comment/questions. They actually were a cornerstone of Rick’s concerns he’d voiced last fall, but having someone outside of “us” point it out, really hit home for me. I brought it up with him, and while the results are still uncertain, at least we’re talking about it.

Kevin, I asked Rick if he would be willing to join the forum, like you suggested. He’s not wild about being open with strangers about our personal life, but he’s put some thought into it. I have found the comments and questions you all are asking kind and constructive up to this point. A few days ago I might have even have asked Rick if he had further considered joining the conversation we’re having, even though I’m pretty sure of the answer. Based on what I woke up to on here unfortunately, I honestly understand where he’s coming from, and as things stand right now, I don’t plan to press him on it.

Now that I’ve tied up those loose ends...

Mags, I’m gonna try and be polite here, because CLEARLY we don’t know each other, but What The Helll?! I’ve even sat with this for a while trying to figure out why I feel attacked. One of the reasons is that you are passing a ton of judgement on my situation based on how it “sounds” and “seems” to you. About half the things you said here could have been phrased as open ended questions without commentary. If you had, I might even have responded to them with more information, but I’m definitely not going to do that now.

As I stated in the first damned paragraph of my intro, I am consciously not including all the details for what my situation is. First of all because it is complicated. If it were simple I wouldn’t have felt the need to reach out to people who I thought might have insight into how fucking complicated things like this can be. Secondly, I’m not going to write a thousand paragraphs detailing every nuance because a lot of it isn’t anybody’s business besides the parties directly involved. I included SOME details in my replies to comments and questions, but those are to clarify what I either missed including, or felt added to my intro.

I asked for advice, specific to how I can help Rick deal with feeling more secure, presumably from people familiar with situations similar to my own. I came here to find tools to help me deal with a very personal, very complicated set of emotions that I don’t have any real-world examples of how to work out.

If yours had been one of the first responses, I might have written it off as someone who stirs things up to draw people out on the defensive. Someone who either uses wrong names in reference as a means of provoking correction, or is too lazy to pay attention to the minimal details included by the OP, but makes sweeping generalizations based on what information is provided. I might have fallen for it and told you exactly why and where you’re wrong. But I’m not stupid, and I’m not handing out ammunition to be used against me. Or maybe I’d have read your comment, deleted my intro, and never come back. I still might do that.

You don’t need to know the specifics about my extensive baggage around marriage and kids. You don’t get to know the inner workings of our finances, our health, our levels of commitment to, or dependence on, one another. You do not have the right- NO ONE has the right to pass judgment on any of the things that you’re only getting as a crayon drawn sketch of the full picture.
 
GaiasResistance said:
Mags, I’m gonna try and be polite here, because CLEARLY we don’t know each other, but What The Helll?! I’ve even sat with this for a while trying to figure out why I feel attacked. One of the reasons is that you are passing a ton of judgement on my situation based on how it “sounds” and “seems” to you. About half the things you said here could have been phrased as open ended questions without commentary. If you had, I might even have responded to them with more information, but I’m definitely not going to do that now.

As I stated in the first damned paragraph of my intro, I am consciously not including all the details for what my situation is. First of all because it is complicated. If it were simple I wouldn’t have felt the need to reach out to people who I thought might have insight into how fucking complicated things like this can be. Secondly, I’m not going to write a thousand paragraphs detailing every nuance because a lot of it isn’t anybody’s business besides the parties directly involved. I included SOME details in my replies to comments and questions, but those are to clarify what I either missed including, or felt added to my intro.

I asked for advice, specific to how I can help Rick deal with feeling more secure, presumably from people familiar with situations similar to my own. I came here to find tools to help me deal with a very personal, very complicated set of emotions that I don’t have any real-world examples of how to work out.

If yours had been one of the first responses, I might have written it off as someone who stirs things up to draw people out on the defensive. Someone who either uses wrong names in reference as a means of provoking correction, or is too lazy to pay attention to the minimal details included by the OP, but makes sweeping generalizations based on what information is provided. I might have fallen for it and told you exactly why and where you’re wrong. But I’m not stupid, and I’m not handing out ammunition to be used against me. Or maybe I’d have read your comment, deleted my intro, and never come back. I still might do that.

You don’t need to know the specifics about my extensive baggage around marriage and kids. You don’t get to know the inner workings of our finances, our health, our levels of commitment to, or dependence on, one another. You do not have the right- NO ONE has the right to pass judgment on any of the things that you’re only getting as a crayon drawn sketch of the full picture.
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Sorry I said Ted when I meant Mike. I'd just posted on another thread with a Ted.

I don't "need" to know anything. But I generally tend to give specific information or support or advice based on specific cases, not just general ideas. Sometimes maybe all of us regulars make guesses that aren't accurate. So we then take in subsequent information from the person asking for advice.
 
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Blame the victim.

Withhold information deemed worthy of raging about, justify leaving that information out on the basis it is nobody's business...

then rage at them because they don't know what you consciously omitted.

I think we have identified the problem. It doesn't have to do with Poly.

At the risk of you raging at me, ambushing me for not knowing key information you withheld:

The rules you listed do not constitute a poly relationship. I am inferring (shame on me, right?) that it is an attempt to ease into Poly gradually.

The more I think about it, the more clear it is that leaving out information, explaining that you ramble incoherently, and then punishing people for trying to help under those circumstances... why bother?

That's a question.
 
MayDecember said:
Blame the victim.

Withhold information deemed worthy of raging about, justify leaving that information out on the basis it is nobody's business...

then rage at them because they don't know what you consciously omitted.

I think we have identified the problem. It doesn't have to do with Poly.

At the risk of you raging at me, ambushing me for not knowing key information you withheld:

The rules you listed do not constitute a poly relationship. I am inferring (shame on me, right?) that it is an attempt to ease into Poly gradually.

The more I think about it, the more clear it is that leaving out information, explaining that you ramble incoherently, and then punishing people for trying to help under those circumstances... why bother?

That's a question.
Click to expand...

She bothered because she wanted us to advise her on how to change the goals of her partner from, "Wants monogamy, house, kids, shorter commute," to, "Willing and eager to let this partner whom I want to be the mother of my children to instead 'explore sexual chemistry' with younger man, putting house and kids and monogamy on the back burner, if not forgoing them altogether."

When we didn't help her further her goals of changing the entire life plans and goals of her partner of 9 years (with the biological clock not just ticking, but clanging), so that she could have sex with enticing younger man (who, btw, is willing to just be friends that meet once a year, and does NOT want to come between her and Rick), she flounced.

I guess she imagined we established polyamorists would put poly ahead of all other goals, and all other identities and preferences. Surprise! We don't.
 
GaiasResistance said:
I asked for advice, specific to how I can help Rick deal with feeling more secure, presumably from people familiar with situations similar to my own. I came here to find tools to help me deal with a very personal, very complicated set of emotions that I don’t have any real-world examples of how to work out.
Click to expand...

I'm glad you're not choosing to bail out of the forum, GR. You're a good communicator, I think, and we need you (and people like you) here to help us sustain a good, safe and kind space for sharing.

In reading your OP, my impression is that there are two major topics and some relatively minor ones. The major topics (as I'm seeing it) are about

  • whether Rick might possibly relax about his preference for monogamy with you and decide to open the relationship up, allowing you to explore other possible bonds.
  • whether your desire or need to explore a more open, poly way of life is a minor or major facet of who you are and what you really need in life.

If you can live happily with Rick in a monogamous relationship, but have a minor desire or need to open things up and explore polyamory, that'd be something quite different from having a very major need to open things up.

I'm in the early "dating" (very early!) stages of exploring a new relationship with a man for whom he was so deeply desirous of living a poly way of life that he said he was willing to let his otherwise happy and successful marriage of more than twenty years come undone because of this. His wife was recently just not even able or willing to talk about his desire for polyamory. If the topic came up she'd say she felt sick to her stomach and would leave the room. They almost split up during the month I've been talking with my new friend, but she eventually got around to saying she wants to work on her stuff around this and explore opening things up rather than to lose him in divorce. So I know first hand of a case where the need or desire to explore polyamory can be so strong that folks will even allow an otherwise happy marriage end to follow powerful desire.

If you're more like my new friend in this way than someone who can take it or leave it with regard to polyamory, there may be some very difficult, challenging times ahead in your relationship with Rick. And you can't know whether Rick can or will heal from his wounds from previous relationships and open up to polyamory as an option again. But you can get clear on how important poly is to you. Mike's presence in your life may not be the crucial thing here(?). Or maybe it is? Maybe it would have been some other guy (or gal), had it not been Mike, to initiate your inquiry about whether poly could or should be an option to explore?

I know about myself that if I'm in a very long term relationship which his happy and healthy, I'm eventually going to want to explore other relationships … without having to end the initial one. For me, this desire would not be (and has not been) a minor note in my life. It's a deep need for me. I'm just not cut out for monogamy! It's too constraining. I'm happiest in being completely free to explore other connections. It was a deep need before I met anyone in particular I wanted to explore more deeply with. So I did not have a "Mike" to bring it about. I just had this desire / need for other connections besides the one I have with my very long term sweetheart.

Luckily for me, my very long term partner is fine with my "dating" other people (!!), so nothing has to break for me to make other connections. I'm not sure I'd end my relationship with K over my need to connect with others, but I'm sure glad that's not a choice I'll have to make! I imagine I might become very, very conflicted if forced to make such a choice. It would not be fun! It would hurt.

As for how you might help Rick explore his feelings … his wounds and associated fears … with the hope that he might move in an opening up direction? I can only say that the best and most you can do is to love him so thoroughly and so well that he can't doubt that love or your commitment to your loving bond with one another. But that may not be enough. Wounds are often hard to get close to, and one cannot work with them at too much of a distance. So he'll need your loving support in learning how to get up close enough to the hurt in the wound that the wound can be healed. Usually, adult wounds to the heart are woven together with childhood wounds to the heart, so getting close to the adult wound brings up unresolved stuff from the earlier trauma or hurt. And the best guide I personally know of for exploring this stuff (outside of therapy) is the writings of John Welwood.

http://www.johnwelwood.com/listofbooks.htm

I would recommend that the two of you read some of Welwood's books together, and to discuss them as you do so. Chapter by chapter.

Now, many men would simply refuse to engage in such an exercise. Many men have been raised up in such a way that they respond to "touchy-feely" (sensitivity) stuff with disdain and disgust (fear, avoidance). I hope your guy isn't one of these!
 
I made my last post in early March before a whole new set of craptastic circumstances hit my household that threw everything else to the background. At the time I thought I’d take a while and come back in a few weeks or so, but then well, Life, ya know? Then I stopped getting email notifications for new replies on here, and so had No Idea there was more discussion happening, until I checked back a few weeks ago.

MayDec, with the exception of using trigger-language as a starting point, and making one hell of an assumption about me, I tried to take what you were saying as constructively as possible, even the sarcasm and snark.

I’m the “victim” here, because I responded to Mags by saying I felt attacked, and judged. Beyond admitting to mixing up names from different posters, and acknowledging that she doesn’t need certain detailed information, I have yet to see any attempt to correct my perception, or apology. I’m not holding my breath.

I don’t know what tone filter you read through, MayDec, and you don’t know me so please take this at face value, but my last post was nowhere near “rage” level. I reserved those feelings for reacting privately to Mags last reply, which I did not, and have not, put down in text. I’m ignoring her now because I get angry all over again when I think about how she responded to your post.

The fact that you made me out to be “the problem”, which was bad enough on its own, seemed to embolden her to pass even more judgement on me in her reply. I wasn’t even given a chance to respond to that myself, assuming I’d got the notification about your reply and needed time to articulate why I would bother to want to try poly/be on here at all. But Mags was there to answer for me with trolling sarcasm, preconceived notions, assumptions, and judgments. None of which had any shred of truth to them.

I’m done responding to her, or anyone else coming on here with similar approaches to what otherwise could be civil discourse. From now on, shit like that gets ignored and, when possible, reported. I am willing to take on the burden of responding to valid criticisms, answering and clarifying what I am able to, as long as those engaging are able to do so with respect.

It may be a while before I can answer your question, and your post also River, which I fully intend to do.
 
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GaiasResistance said:
I want to help Rick get past, or work through his insecurities. He doesn’t have anyone in his life that he trusts enough to share what he’s going through in this, and I don’t know how to help him.
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Would it be equally fair for Rick to want to help you get past your inability or unwillingness to overlook a hot young guy?

By saying you want to help him, you are saying there is something wrong with him, something lacking, something that needs fixing. In fact, you are very clear: he's 'insecure.'

1. it sounds to me like he simply does not want poly. You are refusing to hear that and accept it. You are, instead, deciding that he really would want what you want if only you could fix him. No, it sounds like he doesn't want poly. That's not a flaw in him that needs fixing. It's a valid choice and it is his to make.

2. The hard cold truth is that plenty of marriages/long term relationships do break up with one spouse leaving the other for their poly partner. Do some reading on this forum and you'll find plenty of them.

So this isn't 'insecurity' that needs 'fixing' on his part. It's a very real possibility and he's wise to look at it. For him to see that this could happen is not a problem that needs fixing. It's reality and he should be taking it into account.


GaiasResistance said:
I don’t even know if what I want, or think I might be able to have with Mike is anything that could last. Mainly I worry that it’s all NRE with nowhere to go based on the rules that are in place for the next 8-10 months.
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Few Vs last beyond 2.5 years and fewer still past 5 years. Chances are very, very high that if you have a poly relationship with Mike, within 5 years either Mike or Rick will no longer be a partner.

So really you need to decide if it's more important to you to be with someone to whom you've committed nearly a decade or if you'd rather have the younger pastures. Rick is not enthused about poly and pushing it on him probably is not going to get you what you want.
 
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