As per our Guidelines, it might help your thread if you could pick nicknames for your husband, new guy, and hubby's new woman.
I don't think either of us truly realized how big the sexual disconnect was until we openly started to talk about sex and what we wanted. This was reached after we opened our marriage up.
So hubby was your first and only sex partner. Were you his first partner? Do you both come from conservative (possibly religious) backgrounds? Were you married very young? Early 20's, and now you're in your early 30's? Any kids in the mix? Is hubby's friend single? Inexperienced?
It can be easier to DO sex than TALK ABOUT sex, especially in detail. I'm glad you're talking more now... I hope things go OK with
you+hubs
you+"his friend"
hubs+"his friend"
hubs+his new woman
That's a lot of moving parts to juggle after 10 years of sexual dysfunction with no prior dating or sex experience with others. It is quite right to fear a loss of any friendship at all with "hubby's friend," either between the men, or between you and "hubby's friend," if you and "friend" don't work out. Usually best friends are on the "no date" list, the "messy person" list, along with bosses, siblings, etc.
I guess I never realized that we both believe our disconnect is specific to the two of us. I don't seem to struggle with some of the same things when I am with my new person. This is something I need to dive deeper into, apparently.
You've only just started being somewhat sexual and intimate with new person. So your "sex issues" won't be cropping up for a few months... if things move along well. NRE is making everything wonderful. NRE doesn't last forever.
We haven't quite labeled our relationship yet, me and my new person, but he is more and more comfortable with the idea of being with me. He seems struggles off and on with the belief that my partner will hate him at the end of this.
Quite possible!
Despite this, he is fully present with me when we are together and I am really enjoying getting to know him more and more. We haven't been on an actual "date" we tend to just hang out, cuddle, play, etc.
Cuddle and "play?" What do you mean by play? Video games?
My partner is very sexual in the sense that he is always in the mood and I tend to be more emotionally sensually sexual, if that makes sense. I flutter back and forth between that and occasionally being insatiable. He relishes those moments.
You know women's sex drives vary according to what time of the month it is, right? Does hubby know this? Women tend to be more horny during ovulation.
Up until recently took my needing more time or not being in the mood as something against him or me not being attracted to him. This is the vicious toxic cycle that has been present our entire relationship, and was the cause of 90% of our fights.
That's very sad, and a real issue with 2 gender sex. Men are always ready, women vary. It's nobody's fault.
So, now I tend to remember that almost immediately, when he touches me. I'm working through it, by communicating that with him in the moment, instead of shutting down and internalizing the guilt of not being what he wanted. Lately I've been hearing his frustration with this as him wanting me to be more sexual like him.
That's a beauty of polymory. If one partner isn't in the mood, one's other partner may be! Your hubby is allowed his feelings. And he can wish you were "more like him." But you taking on guilt or shame, or him harping on and on about your varying desire is pointless. Many partnerships can have each partner have a different degree of libido. That's not the end of the world. Compromises can be made. There are ways to deal with this without anger and heaping guilt on one partner or another. "You're cold!" "You're a sex addict!" "You're not a real man!" "You're a slut!" etc., etc.
His date went very well. He had sex with his date and was very excited about it.
I am excited for him, but I am struggling a bit with something I am having a hard time putting into words, so I hope you can help me pinpoint it. I have struggled with insecurity all of my life, until about a year ago when I finally let that mess go. I have never been this confident in myself, and love who I am.
When my partner told me he had sex with someone else, I immediately felt a pang of... I don't know. The thought of him touching someone else felt wrong? Maybe? That is not the correct word... I feel like it has to be that we were each other's only until now, so it is just an unfamiliar thing that I need to work through?
Yes, as GG said above, it's going to feel strange at first.
I don't want to know details, is that wrong?
No, not at all. In fact, hubby may want to share details, because he is in NRE lalas, but that doesn't mean you want to hear! And what about the new woman? Is she OK with him telling you details about her intimate moments? Good chance she isn't OK with that.
That same night, my new person and I had sex for the first time, and my partner was elated for me, and had no problem talking about it. The roles seemed to have reversed a bit lol I am nowhere near completely broken by it, it is just that I haven't felt these types of feelings in a long time, and I'm unsure what to do with them!
Be kind to yourself and others. Be respectful to all concerned. Realize you're in a rush of hormones... infatuation, NRE. These hormones do all kinds of things to our bodies and minds. Try to be aware of this and not get carried away. Same thing goes for hubby.
