Hi,
I am new to the open relationship.
Hi, welcome to the board!
I met a man, and he is married.
Are you married too?
He and his wife have an open relationship. They just started a new rule: "no secrets."
No secrets between her and him? That's a very vague "rule." Also, I'd be wary of a member of a couple imposing their newbie "rules" on me.
I've been dating him for 2 months now. We get together once a week because of our schedules. My schedule will be changing soon, then we can see each other more. We do want see each other more, because once a week isn't enough.
I'm not allowed at his house yet, because his wife doesn't want to meet me yet. She has jealousy issues.
She doesn't have to meet you if she doesn't want to. Many poly people do not want to meet their metamours, much less hang out with them. All that you need is to be socially polite and respectful if you do happen to meet at the door or something. Some people think metamours meeting can decrease jealousy. Sometimes this helps a little, but it's not a guarantee. Lack of jealousy comes from trusting your partner, and inner confidence.
She was dating a guy, but he found a permanent gf.
We had planned to go out last night. We did, but he told me that his wife didn't have anything to do, and was upset he was going out with me. He asked her if she wanted him to cancel plans with me, and she told him no.
It upset me that he asked her. It's not fair to me. I didn't say anything, other than, Well, do you want to go home? He said no.
He didn't need to tell you all that. He's making a lot of mistakes. Don't believe that he is good at poly just because he and his wife had a live-in unicorn for a while. They may be too entangled and not good with personal boundaries. They may not accord enough respect to their "secondaries."
I'm new to the open relationship. I'd like to meet her.
As with any person, you can request that, but she can refuse, if she's not ready.
So, last night we were looking at pics on his phone, and he showed me her naked pics. I don't know if that was breaking "the rule."
Whether he broke his own rule is none of your business. What matters is your own sense of decency and privacy, and his apparent lack of respect for his wife's privacy. Even if he did want to make a threesome happen, he shouldn't be offending you and violating her privacy in that way.
I could only excuse it if he was scrolling through many pix and they popped up. In that case, he should have quickly closed it all down and reconsidered just showing you every pic on his phone!
I didn't say anything after he showed me the pics, but I wondered what his attentions are. He and his wife have had a live-in gf once, and have engaged in threesomes. I, on the other hand, have just been with 1 man for 28 yrs, so this is new to me.
I do care about him a great deal, but I don't know how he feels about me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
The "no secrets" was put in place because I told him I need approval from her first, before I agreed. So they talked and agreed.
So, their new vague "rule," "no secrets" was put in place because YOU wanted to make sure this guy was really in an open relationship and not a cheater? That's kind of strange.
All he tells her is when we have a date and when he will be home. I think that is having honest and open communication with his wife, and I respect that.
Our sex life is private. He does not discuss that with her...
I hope not!
... although he has told me she has started to initiate more sex lately, since knowing of me.
He is telling you about their sex life, but supposedly not telling her about yours... Hmmm...
Before that, it had been a long time since being with another woman: 3 yrs.
I told him that her jealousy was exhausting.
I have no clue why he would tell me that she has initiated more sex, other than being open with me.
I did talk to him about the nude pics. I asked him if his intention was for us to have a threesome. He said no threesome will come from him. I asked him again what his intentions were. He said, no intentions. I asked him if he wanted his wife and me to hook up, and he said, idk.
And then did you tell him what your intentions were? To have a bf, and not be a shared sex toy for a husband and wife?
They both have GPS on their phone, and I told him when we go out, I don't agree with it. So he has been turning it off. It's her being jealous. I told him, if this is something you agreed to bring into your marriage, then you need to work it out with her.
Is this normal with some open relationships?
Nobody's perfect. Many couples new to polyamory, who started by trying to share a unicorn, will struggle with the independence inherent in usual poly practices. It's up to you whether you like him enough to be part of his learning curve. I've been burned a few times by newbie couples. It can be quite hurtful. You're a newbie too, though, so many you're all learning together.
I told him that it seems that he considers me 2nd place, if he is willing to cancel plans with me whenever she wants him to.
He said, What are you trying to say? What do you want?
I told him I didn't want this type of role in his life. His reply was, "Oh." So I am letting him think about it.
I am no one's 2nd place.
I'm not into women.
I don't think he is unicorn hunting.
He told me I looked beautiful on our date Saturday night.
So apparently he has feelings for me.
Well, a man can tell a woman she looks good just to get into her pants. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. Do you like him? That's what's important here. Is he worth the bother?
Honestly? I haven't seen much actual jealousy behavior on the wife's part described here. I think they are couple-centric. If she doesn't want him to ever date a woman unless she's got a date set up for herself on the same day, same time, good luck with that! It's very rare that both members of an established couple will always be able to coordinate their dates with their OSOs. Poly people need to cultivate hobbies, platonic friends, and other interests to keep busy when their partner has a date with someone else.
