I have desires, I need advice...

R

renude

New member
I'm reaching out for some advice from those in the polyamory community. I'm not sure if this is a polyamory thing or not, but maybe someone will have been in or familiar with my situation and could point me in the right direction. I felt like this was an open minded group that I could feel comfortable speaking with on this topic.

I've come to understand I have a desire to see my wife in at least some level of sexual activity with another man (like a playful thing, a handjob, something like that). I have no idea where these feelings came from. It's not something I've ever fully understood, so it's difficult to explain. It's not strictly a sexual desire, but when I heard a polyamory advocate use the term "compersion" I immediately felt that was at least one, if not a major component driving this desire.

I can best describe it as a desire to see her bring joy to another man, and her enjoy doing that, particularly a man who otherwise would never be with a woman like her sexually. Someone who would appreciate her the way I do.

What I feel is different from swinging, it's different from the cuckold fetish, I don't want to see her humiliated, bound, controlled...anything that fits the mainstream when I search for information on these feelings I have.

So it can't be just a random guy, a male prostitute, a guy we meet at a swinger's club. That being said, I don't desire to see her in a romantic relationship with someone either, but at least she would be somewhat acquainted with him prior to any kind of sexual encounter. This is where I felt reaching out to the polyamory community may help.

Am I crazy? Am I normal? Can anyone help me understand this desire? Is polyamory the right place to find a man to have a safe encounter such as this, if we did in fact want to give it a try?

Any thoughts appreciated!
 
have you done a search on the term "hotwifing"?
 
Yes, I have looked into hotwifing. I would say there are elements to it that apply to me, but mostly the community there seems to be very focused on the domination or humiliation aspects of it. Most men I've seen on there are nothing more than a "cock", and are very sexually active (perhaps overly sexed), and I feel she would be just the next "piece of whatever" for a guy like that.

The element missing for me there is that the guy she be with be someone who has some kind of need for sexual companionship.

For example, it doesn't excite me to see her get banged hard by some huge dude (which is a very dominant theme in that community), whereas my desire would be more to see her in the role of a sexual intimacy surrogate.

And the encounter I think about doesn't even need to include intercourse. It could just be her being nude with him, letting him see her, touch her. And perhaps a hand job or something at that level.
 
Swinging doesn't have to be done with random strangers. I've had partners where we had recreational threesomes with people we knew but weren't romantically involved with. So that was more along the lines of swinging than polyamory. What you described sounds a lot like hotwifing. What you described as hotwifing sounds more like cuckoldry. I think you'll find that, in general, all kinksters have their own definition of what their particular kink entails. You'll also find a lot of overlap with what you are looking for and BDSM. So if you're not into BDSM, don't let that discourage you. I suggest taking a look at FetLife. I'm sure it's full of guys who would be interested in what you and your wife have to offer.
 
renude said:
I'm not sure if this is a polyamory thing or not, but maybe someone... could point me in the right direction.

I have a desire to see my wife in at least some level of sexual activity with another man (like a playful thing, a handjob...). I have no idea where these feelings came from. It's not strictly a sexual desire, but when I heard a polyamory advocate use the term "compersion" I immediately felt that was at least one, if not a major component driving this desire.

It's a desire to see her bring joy to another man, and to see her enjoy doing that, particularly with a man who otherwise would never be with a woman like her sexually. Someone who would appreciate her the way I do.
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Is your wife aware of your desire? Is she on board? Have you brought this idea into your sex life through fantasy already? If not, you may be putting the cart before the horse by coming here asking for ways to realize this.

What you do mean by a a guy who would otherwise not get to be with a woman like her? What kind of guy? Handicapped in some way? Unattractive? Someone you pity? And what is a "woman like your wife"? Super gorgeous and generally unobtainable to the average person?

What I feel is different from swinging, it's different from the cuckold fetish, I don't want to see her humiliated, bound, controlled...anything that fits the mainstream when I search for information on these feelings I have.
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All the cucking stuff I've read is about humiliating the husband, not the wife! He's the sub, she and her bull are the Tops or dominants.

So it can't be just a random guy, a male prostitute, a guy we meet at a swinger's club.
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You want a nerdy guy who is unsuccessful with women? So maybe you can feel empowered by possessing a woman he could never get to be with ordinarily? Try gamers clubs, board game groups and the like. Comics conventions. Cosplayers.

That being said, I don't desire to see her in a romantic relationship with someone either, but at least she would be somewhat acquainted with him prior to any kind of sexual encounter. This is where I felt reaching out to the polyamory community may help.
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Beware that sexual activity can lead to love. If this guy has never been with a woman as (hot as) your wife, he may fall madly in love. She could too. You can't control feelings.

Am I crazy? Am I normal? Can anyone help me understand this desire? Is polyamory the right place to find a man to have a safe encounter such as this, if we did in fact want to give it a try?

Any thoughts appreciated!
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You feel crazy and abnormal. We don't know you, we can't judge.


renude said:
Yes, I have looked into hotwifing. I would say there are elements to it that apply to me, but mostly the community there seems to be very focused on the domination or humiliation aspects of it. Most men I've seen on there are nothing more than a "cock", and are very sexually active (perhaps overly sexed), and I feel she would be just the next "piece of whatever" for a guy like that.

The element missing for me there is that the guy she be with be someone who has some kind of need for sexual companionship.
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What kind of need? Again, is she at all interested in you pimping her out? Are you in a D/s relationship?

For example, it doesn't excite me to see her get banged hard by some huge dude (which is a very dominant theme in that community), whereas my desire would be more to see her in the role of a sexual intimacy surrogate.

And the encounter I think about doesn't even need to include intercourse. It could just be her being nude with him, letting him see her, touch her. And perhaps a hand job or something at that level.
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So you've jerked off to this fantasy many a time. Does she know?

I wish people would ask more questions instead of just advising you on where to go to find a guy.
 
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If you haven't told her about this yet, maybe you first should.
See if she's at all interested. If she is, as a fantasy, then maybe you could talk about the fantasy while having sex.
Then maybe you could role play, where you take on the role of this guy.
Then, and only then, and after months, if not a year, of planning for all scenarios and bad outcomes, should you attempt to find a guy for her to play with.

This Opening will kill your marriage. A new marriage, or a breakup, will ensue. Are you ready for that?
 
Your fantasy sounds almost like you want wife to be some sort of "sex nurse" who brings this fantasy dude (who couldn't otherwise share sex with a woman) pleasure at your largesse.

I don't think you are crazy or abnormal to have fantasies. But not all fantasies are meant to try to make into reality.

I agree with Mags.

Have you already talked to wife about all this yet? Because if she doesn't want to go there? It's all best left in fantasy rather than trying to figure out how to find just the right guy to be the "patient."

If she's not on board you are getting ahead of yourself. And if the potential dude is not on board? Also getting ahead of yourselves. This has to be a "3 people yes" -- not just you wanting this.

It's a desire to see her bring joy to another man, and to see her enjoy doing that, particularly with a man who otherwise would never be with a woman like her sexually. Someone who would appreciate her the way I do.
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See her enjoy how? Like voyeur the experience?

Or just know she's taken a lover and you want to hear details when she gets home? What happens if her lover doesn't want her telling you about their private sex life? What then?

How do you appreciate her? And figure the guy would do same? Cuz you cannot control how other people think or behave.

If you haven't told her about all this, how will you cope if she's terribly hurt at the idea you want to share her this way with some guy?

So it can't be just a random guy, a male prostitute, a guy we meet at a swinger's club.That being said, I don't desire to see her in a romantic relationship with someone either, but at least she would be somewhat acquainted with him prior to any kind of sexual encounter.
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So what kind of guy would this be? The mailman who is up for a one off? :confused:

Polyamory is about consenting non-monogamy where people can have more than one loving relationship. So seeking someone who will NOT be in a romantic relationship with her but will share sex with her so you can get your fantasy fulfilled in polyamorous spaces -- I'm not sure that makes sense.

What happens if things go unexpectedly?

She falls in love with the guy? Or he her? And they DO want to have a romantic relationship. What then? You expect her to dump him? You expect yourself to adjust? Something else?

Don't jump in blind. Think this through and check in with wife. Again... nothing wrong with fantasies. But some of them might best be left in fantasy and not try to make into reality.

Before seeking that potential guy, be SURE this is something you BOTH want to explore and be sure you are both prepared should things go haywire.

Galagirl
 
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Hello renude,

You are not crazy or abnormal, you are just a loving guy who has a loving fantasy about sharing his wife with someone who would deeply appreciate it. You should try OKCupid or FetLife, describe in detail on your profile what you are looking for. Specify whether you would want this to be a one-time thing, or if you would want a guy to be pleasured by her many times. Specify exactly how well you would want her to know this guy beforehand. Maybe you would want this to almost be like a FWB type of thing, or maybe just friendly enough for one encounter. What you want is a little bit poly, in that you don't want just a sex exchange, you want there to be some warmth between your wife and the guy you seek. But you don't want her to have a romantic relationship with that guy, and in that way, what you're looking for isn't quite poly. However it's definitely nonmonogamous; try OKCupid or FetLife and see if you can find what you're looking for there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It sounds like you are very focused on this other imaginary guy, and not at all on what your wife wants or whether she would even be into this.

Start with her. I hope you've told her already?

Rather than find a guy to fulfill this fantasy, see if your wife would be willing to fulfill it just with you, via roleplaying and imagining it together.
 
Communication

Most important. Discuss this with your wife. Then if she has buyin, investigate.
 
Cut the guy some slack. He specifically said "if we decide to try it." He's exploring, trying to figure himself out.
 
I appreciate some of the responses from a few of you who didn't jump to conclusions and make assumptions. I'm still not sure what I said to make anyone think I hadn't already talked to my wife about this, and that we haven't been talking about this with each other for many many years, and she doesn't get excited about the idea of letting a man appreciate and enjoy her. I wonder if there's maybe a little projection going on.

Anyway, again I do appreciate those of you who have offered helpful advice. I agree with kdt26417 that there are elements of poly that apply here, but not in whole. I think poly is probably closer to what I'm talking about than the cuckold or hotwifing communities. 90% or more of the profiles pictures are close up photos of a penis. Nothing says let's have a friendship better than that, just ask any lady.

I will try looking elsewhere, but thanks again to those who were helpful and not judgmental.
 
In the mainstream societal thinking, a man seeing his wife in a sexual type way might lead to violence, or at least calling the nearest divorce attorney. Here I am fantasizing about it. While I don't really understand it, I do remember the circumstance when it first entered my mind.

My wife is indeed very attractive. Way out of my league... She has worked as a model and still does occasionally. One time she accepted a request to pose for a very amateur hobbyist photographer. Not out of pity or anything, but his skill/experience/resources weren't going to build her portfolio or anything, so she was doing it to help him out and be nice. We got to know him a bit over the course of a couple shoots. He was an older guy (in his late 50's, she in her late 20's at the time) his wife had left him a few years back, he was a nice guy but also very shy, somewhat socially awkward, but not a creep or anything. I have done some photography a bit myself so I was able to help him with his photography some too and we developed a bit of a friendship.

One day he nervously asked me (his voice was shaking and broken) if she would be willing to pose topless for him. I told him I would ask her, and she said she had no problem with it. She was only doing this for him. She didn't really have anything to gain from this as she had worked with very skilled photographers and the shots he was taking simply weren't at the level that would be useful for her. But she was more than happy to work with him, pose for him because she's just a nice person.

So she goes and does the shoot. He is super nervous and clearly a bit distracted, obviously enjoying the experience as a guy does. She even offers to not only pose topless, but offers to do some nude as well.

Anyway, I wasn't at the shoot as I fully trusted him. But as my wife is telling me about the experience I am finding it very arousing to think about. She has posed nude for other photographers many times before and none of those did anything for me... but this was different. Eventually I told her how this made me feel, and she expressed to me she really enjoyed the experience and had a lot of fun showing off her body and being appreciated. I wouldn't say it was sexually arousing for her, but very enjoyable and definitely "exciting" or something along those lines.

So that's kind of the background. For me, it is sexually arousing. For her, it's exciting and a bit of a thrill. But over the years we have discussed this several times, and this scenario has made it into "dirty talk" during sex and been a fun concept to fantasize about. In fantasy it has evolved into perhaps not only posing nude for a guy like this, but doing him some more intimate favors...

Maybe it's best as a fantasy... but perhaps it's something we would like to try in real life... That's why I came here wondering if such a guy would be found in this community.

And as to the guy... that's the kind of guy we would be looking for. Not necessarily a nerd or someone disabled or "lower" than her. But someone who would appreciate it. If we were still in contact with this photographer we might even ask him, but that was years ago and we don't know where he is.

All the pro photographers who work with many beautiful models, she is just another girl to them and talking about those shoots does nothing for either of us because it was missing that element of appreciation. Likewise, many in the communities focused on a sexual encounter (such as cuckoldry, hotwifing, swinging, etc), are also very experienced sexually, many have a lot of encounters, and she would just be another girl to a lot fo them (albeit a very hot one).

I do understand there are exceptions, and likely we could find people in those communities who would fit our little mold here... but I was curious if poly community would have more compatible type people, or more looking for a friendship with the possibility of something more, rather than just the sex and kink.

Again, thanks for the responses. I will try some of the sites suggested and see what comes of it.

Take care.
 
Thanks for the background. It would have been nice to know that upfront. I do suspect you're trolling us, to be perfectly honest.

We get people here like that from time to time, with a sexual, non-polyamorous fantasy they pass off as real, using our community as an audience for their fiction. The fact that your wife is a gorgeous model is one more factor in my suspicion.

Of course, some men (very few) are married to gorgeous models.
 
I appreciate some of the responses from a few of you who didn't jump to conclusions and make assumptions. I'm still not sure what I said to make anyone think I hadn't already talked to my wife about this
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It's not what you said, it's what you didn't say. It would have been natural to mention your wife's stance. That is such a huge omission that you can't blame people for asking about it/ inferring why you did that omission in the first place.

That is not even projection. A lot of newbies come here who are afraid to talk to their spouses.
 
So that's kind of the background. For me, it is sexually arousing. For her, it's exciting and a bit of a thrill. But over the years we have discussed this several times, and this scenario has made it into "dirty talk" during sex and been a fun concept to fantasize about. In fantasy it has evolved into perhaps not only posing nude for a guy like this, but doing him some more intimate favors...
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Thank you for more info and clarifying that wife is already on board at least in fantasizing about it with you.

Maybe it's best as a fantasy... but perhaps it's something we would like to try in real life...
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Then that's where you are in your talks with wife. Deciding...

1) Keep it as fantasy

or

2) Do the prep work to make it reality so you are prepared to handle it either way.

  • If the encounter goes well and its impact on the marriage
  • If the encounter goes poorly and its impact on the marriage


Either way, what you are looking for sounds like a casual sex thing with a newbie. You don't seem to want a play partner that is experienced.

That's why I came here wondering if such a guy would be found in this community.
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It's not sounding like polyamory to me -- where wife and Dude could form a loving relationship. You don't sound up for that. Is wife also not up for that?

You both agree it would be best as a one off? Like recreational sex for funsies only?

Nothing wrong with wanting that -- just that I think you could be very clear with each other in what experience you seek and then very clear again when talking to potentials.

I'm not sure that you will find a person in poly communities. I won't say impossible, but what you want sounds more like hotwifing to me.

Galagirl
 
Hi renude,
I would almost say I was interested myself, only I don't know whether ...

  • I live near you,
  • I could perform in a voyeuristic/exhibitionist setting,
  • my current partner would consent to me doing that.
I do think there are decent odds that you could find an interested man in a poly community such as this forum, like you could form a friendship with someone first and then later discuss the fantasy with them.

In your opening post, you asked, "Is polyamory the right place to find a man to have a safe encounter such as this, if we did in fact want to give it a try?" So I don't think you are trolling, or anything like that. I trust you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
renude said:
In the mainstream societal thinking, a man seeing his wife in a sexual type way might lead to violence, or at least calling the nearest divorce attorney...
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Which is why I don't think it to be too far into the weeds to wonder if the Poly community might have some insight and suggestions for you. I think that likely most here would consider what you are looking for under the umbrella of "consensual non-monogamy" but not necessarily poly per se. My own particular view of poly includes the concept of Friends with Benefits (FWB) where the escalator stops at that particular floor and no further development is sought or desired.

renude said:
For her, it's exciting and a bit of a thrill.
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I can certainly understand this! I have a wide streak of exhibitionism - and, in college, posed nude for a friend of ours taking a photography course. Knowing that he was sexually attracted to me was definitely part of the thrill (we actually had previously had sex a while before that, but it was off the table at the time - I was newly with MrS and other men were temporarily off of the table). I also ran around naked for a student film during that time, also very exciting. I can imagine that posing for a professional would not be so interesting, as I would imagine the majority of the (ethical) professionals view their models more as "props".

I recall another occasion when we were at a "clothing optional" beach, I opted to be naked (MrS opted to be clothed). MrS was taking my picture as I frolicked in the surf..he noticed that another man was also, surreptitiously, taking my picture (for those unaware, this is considered the height of rudeness on a nude beach) and asked if I wanted him (MrS) to make the guy hand over the film (yes, THAT, long ago!) Nope. Got myself a little thrill!:p

renude said:
... In fantasy it has evolved into perhaps not only posing nude for a guy like this, but doing him some more intimate favors...

Maybe it's best as a fantasy... but perhaps it's something we would like to try in real life...
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Things in real life do have a way of being a lot less simple than they are in fantasy land. I would echo the sentiment that you should be very, very aware of the potential ramifications of taking this to the next level. You literally cannot put the genie back in the bottle!:rolleyes:

renude said:
That's why I came here wondering if such a guy would be found in this community.
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I don't think that is an unreasonable thing to wonder (as I said above). This is the kind of thing that Dude might go for - he doesn't object to recreational sexual contact with friends (nor do I, but am the wrong gender for your scenario). But, I think, you are likely to do better over at Fet Life - my impression is that there are plenty of guys that would be very appreciative of the attentions of an attractive lady.
 
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