Vicki's Journey Continues...

Thanks, guys, I really appreciate it. I know that in the grand scheme of things, a lost trip isn't the biggest concern, but I've been so stressed and overwhelmed the past couple of months and I really needed this getaway. And it's looking like we aren't going to be able to fix it and go another time because of the financial losses and then Henry's mom being so angry and upset (and I can't blame her for that).

And now since our city is pretty much in lockdown, we're just sitting at home for three weeks and can't really go anywhere or do anything. And we all just feel so miserable.

We're going to try to use this time to catch up on housework, but gee, that's not sounding like what we wanted to do during our vacation! We did get some treats from the grocery store while we were stocking up since the fridge was empty because we were supposed to be away. It's nice, but it doesn't really take the sting away.

I don't even know if I'll be able to see Charles. He works tangentially with the public so it may not be safe since we are getting community spread in our city.
 
My anxiety is through the roof right now. I feel like I am just totally in denial that the world is what it is right now. I mean, it was just a few months ago that we were enjoying Christmas holidays and everything was fine, right?

And then maybe some people in China were sick, probably from a wet market, but that's nothing to worry us here on the other side of the globe. Then I remember reading about the Draconian lockdown stuff going on over there and just kind of shaking my head and the things that happen with that type of government and cultural structure.

And now it's here. Everything is shutting down for the foreseeable future. Everyone expected to stay home unless they absolutely have to be out. What has happened in the world to change things so quickly? People are losing their livelihoods. Anyone in the gig economy or entertainment industry may have financial repercussions so severe that they can't manage anymore. And look at Italy and now they have a triage document about how to decide who lives and who dies if there is a ventilator shortage.

I keep trying to blink and wake up from this nightmare but it doesn't quite seem to be working. I'm supposed to be sitting on my balcony in the sunny Caribbean, currently on my way to St Croix...
 
I'm sitting in lockdown on the other side of the globe. I've been most anxious on Sunday as the bad news was about to be announced. A day before it absolutely felt like a dream. If you want to pm or even videocall (though the timelag from Europe to US is annoying), you're welcome. I find the little things we can still do for others do make us feel better.
 
Thanks, Tinwen. I really appreciate the support. My mental health is really not doing well right now. I feel a bit like a ping pong ball. I'm on a social media lockout because I can't deal with all the craziness right now, but I feel like I have to follow the news because I don't want to miss anything critical or important. But that's hard enough as it is. The news by itself is like reading a dystopian novel. And we're all worried about how to pay the bills with reduced hours and just what the hell will happen to the world once this all passes- and who knows how long that will be? I'm seeing some projections saying 18 months???

Charles did come over for a couple of days, and that was nice. I felt a lot less isolated by having him here. Which maybe is weird since Henry is here, but Henry lives here so I guess I don't register that the same way? I felt a lot more de-stressed with the extra love and cuddles and sex from both of them, but the anxiety is creeping back up again.

Henry is self employed so he is working from home, no problem. I work in education so I'm off as long as schools are closed. But Charles works in a restaurant kitchen, and while he has reduced hours, that still means he's got way more in-person contacts right now than we do. I mean, I can guarantee that my nuclear family won't get sick as long as we stay in lockdown. We're couponers, so we have a good stockpile of shelf stable food and paper products, the freezers are full, and the only thing we will need to do is order dairy and fresh produce when we start to run low. So we can literally stop seeing any people at all and the risk of us getting sick is nil.

But with Charles? He's gotta be exponentially raising that risk because he still has to deal with a front of house person doing takeout orders and delivery drivers, and who knows how many contacts those people have. Plus he has two housemates who while they are admittedly recluses, I'm sure they have some points of contact. So that means by seeing just him, I'm exposing Henry and Kiddo to so many strangers where we have no idea of their health risks.

I don't know what to do. As long as Charles is working, it's dangerous. And we don't know how to quantify that risk. Henry and I discussed inviting him to move in with us for the duration of the crisis, but only if he's not working. Which opens up a whole new set of issues like he will still have to pay rent for a place he's not using, etc, plus we have to carve out space for him in our home because no one wants to be on top of everyone else. It's not like this is a nice planned thing we all want. It's just a reaction to staying safe in a crisis. I don't want to have to stop seeing him possibly for months on end. But I don't think I could live with myself if Henry died or had permanent lung damage because I wanted to spend time with Charles. But Charles is also my partner and cutting him off doesn't feel right either- it feels like the worst kind of hierarchy. So I guess asking him to stay here is the best case we can offer but even then it's not great for him because then he'll be living on EI which is only 55% of what he makes and no one can live on that anyway.

I've been taking Ativan just to get to sleep and drinking during the day. I don't know how to manage like this.
 
I'm really not doing so well, guys. I had a pretty severe emotional breakdown yesterday. My mental health is not in good shape with everything going on in the world. I thought I was really going to lose my mind last night. Which led to me wondering, we hear that phrase, but what exactly does it mean to lose one's mind while you're going through it? I mean, I could still think and feel, although I recognized my thoughts didn't make sense and that I was experiencing severe emotional turmoil, and I was starting to lose touch with reality. Is that losing my mind? I don't have a frame of reference for what it's supposed to be like.

When I think of how different the world was only 4 months ago, I can't even fathom what is happening now. I'm honestly terrified. It feels like the whole world is ending and unrecognizable, and they're saying this is going to last for months. Here I sit at home afraid to go to the grocery store because there might be virus in the air and Henry is immunocompromised and might die. But even if I order groceries, the packer might have the virus. So what do I have to do, wear gloves, open it outside, and wipe everything down? It does stay on surfaces. I can't see how sustainable this is going to be and I'm so scared. For months??

It's not just about my trip being canceled- that spun me from a really big high down to a really low low, and that elastic snapping hasn't been good for me. But now I'm worried about how we will function and keep things together. We are planning to go into total isolation here because I don't want Henry to die but again that could be months. Months where we can't see friends or family. Months where I worry about how we will pay the bills since Henry and I are now both laid off and the current government support isn't enough to survive. Months where Kiddo will lose out on his social skills at school even if we do coursework with him.

It just feels like life has been totally upended right now. I thought I had a handle on things. I was coming out of a multi year depression because of my chronic health issues and the fallout from my divorce with Mark. I was just starting to feel like me again- in fact, a better version of me. Now I feel lost and reduced to just basic survival again. And I am so scared. The anxiety is crushing me.

We are worried about Charles, too. The last thing I want is not to see him for months on end. That wouldn't be good for any of us, and Henry doesn't want to ask that of me either. But we worry. He's still working, and while there aren't too many points of contact, there's enough and the virus hangs in the air so it's not like it would be difficult to catch during community transmission. And if he unwittingly transmits it to Henry, Henry could die. Like we're literally not planning to leave the house except to go for the occasional walk or to be out in the back yard.

Charles' work is starting to slow down so I am hoping they will lay him off. Fucking horrible to think about. And I told him if he stops working he can come and move in with us for the duration of the crisis. He'll still have to pay rent at his old place though and that sucks but I told him he doesn't have to pay us anything I just want to know we're all safe and I don't want to lose him because I love him so much. I know it's not all going to be sunshine and roses but this isn't exactly a normal situation, which is the whole point. If it was, I wouldn't even be considering this. But none of the options seem good... so I want the one that keeps us together. Henry agrees it's the best option. I guess it's just all fucked up. I mean, if you had asked me four months ago, would I be asking my boyfriend to quit his job and move in with us and not pay rent, I mean, I'd ask you what kind of drugs you were on.

Kiddo is at my mom's and she's promised no one will leave the house while he is there, but I am just waiting for him to come home. I am sure that I'll wish I had enjoyed this time a bit more when we're all housebound for months on end, but right now it feels like danger is looming and so I just want all the people I love close and safe.
 
The only good thing about all this, is when I was crying and telling Henry that I felt like losing my mind, he gave me exactly what I needed. He validated me. He just said "Yes. It's okay." and that really gave me permission to feel how I'm feeling. I could calm down because he acknowledged me and told me that it was okay to lose it today. Sometimes it's okay not to be okay. I've been carrying the stress and anxiety and fear for so long. I'm not sure I actually put it down, but my brain is a little quieter today.

But my point is that I've never felt so loved and cared for in my life, ever. I remember saying to Henry that even at the end of the world, he was trying to make things that little bit better for me. He was still trying to take care of me. And how could I not laugh when he started playing REM It's the End of the World as We Know It? I don't think I have ever felt so much closeness and intimacy with another person, ever. He has seen pretty much every bit of the darkest corner of my mind and heart and he still loves me and wants to be with me.

If it's the end of the world, I am glad that I will be with him. I hope Charles can be here too, but it'll all be okay as long as Henry and I are together.
 
I read an article today discussing the options. It basically said if your country/state/city is in lockdown, you're probably choosing the right strategy, and it should last no more then 7 weeks. This is hopefully time enough to get proper testing and contact tracking going so that the epidemic stays in check without everyone having to socialy distance. Life will be a little different, we'll have to be slightly more cautious, but the severe economic restrictions can be relaxed and not everyone has to keep distance all the time. Also, existing medication is being tested for effectiveness against the novel virus, new research is coming out at increasing speed. It was very reassuring, I'm doing much better now. Please don't despair.
 
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Tinwen said:
I read an article today discussing the options. It basically said if your country/state/city is in lockdown, you're probably choosing the right strategy, and it should last no more then 7 weeks. This is hopefully time enough to get proper testing and contact tracking going so that the epidemic stays in check without everyone having to socialy distance. Life will be a little different, we'll have to be slightly more cautious, but the severe economic restrictions can be relaxed and not everyone has to keep distance all the time. Also, existing medication is being tested for effectiveness against the novel virus, new research is coming out at increasing speed. It was very reassuring, I'm doing much better now. Please don't despair.
Click to expand...

I really do feel like I'm in despair. I haven't seen anywhere that they think it will be that short. So many people are flouting the social distancing rules, and with this now being confirmed to stay in the air it seems like being anywhere is very dangerous.

I'm actually not American, just do that for anonymity. But our government has stated that he thinks this will go on for months, possibly a year. I don't know how I will go so long without cracking up.

It's depressing writing about how I'm feeling, but I'm doing it in the hopes that one day I can look back and see that I am feeling better. I did that when I reread my old posts after my divorce and could see all the positive changes. I think I am worse now than I was. There are moments that I am losing my grip on reality, and that's also terrifying.

I called Charles last night and asked him to come over so we could talk, because the anxiety of having him out and about in the world while we're trying to do isolation is just too much stress for me and I know I'd never forgive myself if he infected Henry with COVID-19. I don't even know where that leaves us. I don't want to tell him, hey, I just can't see you because you're too risky and goodness knows how long that will be. People aren't supposed to be visiting anyone, though, and every contact he has also has contacts and it just mushrooms. I feel like it's too much risk when Henry could die. I told him last night that I just can't handle it. I love him and I need him and I don't want to lose him but I can't do it like this because I'm worrying all the time. Henry doesn't want me to have to stop seeing Charles but I can see he is worried too.

Charles spent the night with me and we found ourselves in silence, making love not for pleasure but just out of desperation to connect with each other. His kisses tasted like love and longing and fear all at once.

I don't know what is going to happen, and I'm so scared.
 
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Magdlyn said:
This is the research Tinwen was referring to. Arm yourself with facts.

https://medium.com/@tomaspueyo/coronavirus-the-hammer-and-the-dance-be9337092b56
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It’s not really about facts, I don’t think. I’ve read that article. I’ve also read the UK government and Canadian government saying this is likely to be a year or more. If it’s seven weeks, I’ll be thrilled, but I truly do not believe it will be. People still aren’t taking this seriously. Hell, I wasn’t taking it seriously a week ago.

I think it will get much, much worse before it gets better.
 
Vicki82 said:
It’s not really about facts, I don’t think. I’ve read that article. I’ve also read the UK government and Canadian government saying this is likely to be a year or more. If it’s seven weeks, I’ll be thrilled, but I truly do not believe it will be. People still aren’t taking this seriously. Hell, I wasn’t taking it seriously a week ago.

I think it will get much, much worse before it gets better.
Click to expand...
They will take it seriously ... a week from now, when things do get a lot worse before they get better. (Not sure if that kind of certainty is reassuring to you. )

Please isolate yourself and Henry properly NOW. Ask Charles for remote support. You can reassess the risk level of seeing him in a month. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this :( There's nothing fair or humane in asking risk-groups to self-isolate when everyone else isn't doing the same, but it's likely still the best you can do.
OR get Charles the best protection he can get and risk it. Some people still manage to buy respirators (at insane prices).

I still believe democratic countries can get a handle on this with a combination of social distancing, testing and medication. We'll get through. I'm so sorry.
 
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We have to take it seriously but we also have to take our own mental health seriously - you wouldn’t be kicking him out of the house if he already lived with you but was still working, would you?
 
icesong said:
We have to take it seriously but we also have to take our own mental health seriously - you wouldn’t be kicking him out of the house if he already lived with you but was still working, would you?
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I would probably insist that he take leave. I think being out with the public right now is just too dangerous. They're telling everyone to stay home. The economic stuff is scary but if we get sick or someone dies, the money won't really matter, will it.

I don't know what he is going to do. I'm not doing well.
 
I am so sorry, Vicki. It is very scary. My company is considered an essential supplier so we won't close; however, I've told all my employees to do what they need to do for their families. Two of my three kids are in high risk professions that can't shut down, both in larger cities . I'm terrified for both of them. I just want them home with me :( Blue is in the next city over and since we're in a lockdown, we technically are not suppose to travel to each other's homes. He stayed with me this weekend but we've acknowledged that we likely won't see each other again for weeks. It is scary and frustrating.

What is helping me is my tele health appointments with my therapist. I don't think I would be sane without them! Is that an option in your country? There are also various support groups popping up online around here... using teleconferencing tools. That might help, too.

((Hugs))
 
PinkPig said:
I am so sorry, Vicki. It is very scary. My company is considered an essential supplier so we won't close; however, I've told all my employees to do what they need to do for their families. Two of my three kids are in high risk professions that can't shut down, both in larger cities . I'm terrified for both of them. I just want them home with me :( Blue is in the next city over and since we're in a lockdown, we technically are not suppose to travel to each other's homes. He stayed with me this weekend but we've acknowledged that we likely won't see each other again for weeks. It is scary and frustrating.

What is helping me is my tele health appointments with my therapist. I don't think I would be sane without them! Is that an option in your country? There are also various support groups popping up online around here... using teleconferencing tools. That might help, too.

((Hugs))
Click to expand...

Yes, I have a video appointment with my counselor tomorrow, and I really need it.
 
So things continue to be chaotic here. It did help to have a session with my counselor although it was a bit surreal when she told me that she thought that all my anxiety and worry was healthy, and if I hadn't been feeling that way she would be more concerned. She told me to stop thinking about the future and just focus on getting through the day however I can. Even if that means bad coping mechanisms. That no one is prepared for this or knows how to deal with it, and it's okay.

It's just crazy how things have changed suddenly from focusing on improving mental health and physical health and trying to create more happiness, down to the rock bottom let's not die, let's live for one more day. I would never have imagined that the veneer of civilization could come off so easily. Or the veneer of my humanity, for that matter.

I nearly broke down last night when Henry told me that he has accepted that he will die if he contracts COVID-19. I don't know what I would do without him. I don't think anyone has ever loved me the way that he loves me. I feel so whole when I'm with him. If the world is ending, there is no one else I'd rather be with. I don't know how I got so lucky to have him in my life.

I've still been worrying about Charles. We decided that even with risk mitigation, it was not safe to see him while he is still out in the general population. We did make him a reusable mask and left it on the porch, but it's not a fail safe. He told me that today was going to be his last shift at work because he didn't want not to see me. He's going to self-isolate for two weeks afterwards, and then if he is still all clear at that point, he's going to come into isolation with us and effectively move in until the crisis is over.

I have so many confusing feelings about that. It seems like that is the only way to still see him and be safe, because I'm not willing to risk visits given Henry's health. But this isn't how I imagined and/or fantasized about living with two partners. In fact, I'm the kind of person who has a tough time living with people in general, although some of the things that concern me under normal circumstances are a total nonissue right now. Both Henry and Charles are used to roommates; I am the one who is not.

I can see many plusses and minuses. It will be helpful to have two people here for support when I need it, so that I'm not leaning too hard on Henry. It will help to have another adult around to keep Kiddo entertained. It will help to have an additional person doing chores. It will feel less isolating for all of us during a very difficult time.

But I also don't have the world's biggest house. It's a three bedroom, with a very large master bedroom and then two much smaller rooms. Henry has a space set up for himself in the basement, generally, although we're needing to make some modifications. Since this could go on for months, everyone is going to need space of their own. This is not exactly the dream way to have a partner move in. And it's not an official move-in anyway since he still has to keep paying rent on his old place for the time being.

Kiddo has one of the small rooms, and our other room was mostly being used for storage while we finished our reorganization. So we can move some of the storage out, but that will involve Henry finishing the cleanup he has been doing in the basement. He's been ripping out old carpet and painting the floor and reorganizing. So he's got 2-3 weeks to get that done, but now it's up on the priority list.

Also, we were trying to solve the bed problem. Charles will obviously need a bed when he's not sleeping with me, even though he said he was sure the couch would be fine. I don't think that's reasonable over a potentially long period of time. Henry used to sleep in his hammock, so he suggested he hang it in the basement again and we put the basement bed in the upstairs room where Charles will stay. As long as that works for Henry, it solves the problem and we can at least provide a bed, desk, and chair in a private space so that everyone has a place they can retreat to.

And then there's still logistics to worry about. Everyone is going to need some alone time. And I will still want time with both of them separately, and I'm sure we'll spend some time hanging out together. Plus there's Kiddo to consider. Fortunately everyone gets along well but maybe we won't at the end of this, who knows. It's not exactly normal times where we'd do all the usual discussions before moving in.

I feel like there really are no good options here. I am sure it will be awkward at first and we'll have to figure things out. The only plus is that of the three of us, I'm the high strung one- the boys are both very laid back in general.

I've never done this before, and I am worried, although I am much less anxious than I was since at least we have a plan. But I feel like at least I am picking an option that will keep Henry safe, and means I still get to see Charles. Those are the most important things (certainly in that order). I guess we'll figure out everything else as we go along. I'd love some advice or suggestions though!
 
Cracking up again tonight alone in my bed, binge eating and can’t sleep. Honestly, if it was safe, i would consider checking myself into the psych ward. My mental health is very poor right now and I’m not sure how I’m going to manage the constant terror and anxiety.

Right now I’m all focused on maybe this is a terrible idea. Maybe it will make everything worse. I can’t even imagine how difficult it will be to disentangle once this is all over- and then what, just go back to the way it is now? I read my old posts and it’s like they were written in another lifetime. Charles and I were just starting to rebuild our connection and feelings were running high again. And now it’s a totally different world and I am so scared and I have no idea what to do.
 
I'm glad you have a plan for the coming months. Now, please take it an hour at a time. Human beings are incredibly ingenious and adaptable. Once Charles moves in with you in two weeks, you'll find a new normal quickly, I'm sure.

We're in the process of finding our new normal with Idealist. He's moved his workspace into my flat, while Meta lives upstairs. It's rather surprisingly a smooth process.

Over here, it's been two weeks since the shops closed. My mental health is settling back to normal (more or less), I'm starting to be able to actually work from home. Walks outside are great, if you have that option while avoiding people. If I can avoid reading the news, it also helps immensely (but it's fucking hard, I fail everyday). But things improve. Please give it two weeks, an hour at a time.
 
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Today has been a series of ups and downs. I didn't sleep well as usual, but that's not a surprise for someone with a sleep disorder and all the stress and anxiety.

I haven't really been up to tackling all my projects yet, but I've been managing to keep the kitchen clean and that's something at least. I also cooked dinner, we had a meal box tonight so it was straightforward and also tasted pretty good. Lots of leftovers so we will have lunch tomorrow.

I bought a diary app since Henry has been trying to get me to consolidate all my writings into one place and able to be backed up. It's going to take a while to get everything updated there, but hopefully, it'll be worth it.

Henry says he's really been enjoying his hammock, so that's good at least. I know he must have missed it. Not sure why he never hung it up before but at least that's taken care of now. We have to finish doing the work in the basement so we can bring down the clutter in the spare room upstairs and put the bed there.

I also talked to Charles today, and he told me that part of how he's been dealing with this is to try and focus on trying to plan instead of on his feelings. I guess I can get that, it just leaves me not knowing how he is thinking and feeling. He says he very much wants to be with me during these crazy times, but he's worried that he will do stupid stuff and make me not like him while we're in close quarters. I told him that I have similar worries but they're a far distant spot to basic survival at this point, and he agrees. Hopefully with everyone having their own space to retreat to, it won't be as bad as either of us worries. I'm sure it'll be awkward, but I can deal with awkward if it means having my loved ones close. I just needed to know that he really did want to be here with me and that he doesn't think this is a terrible idea.

I'm also worried about the disentangling afterwards, however long it takes before this is finally over. It can't last forever? But going from living with Eric to what- back to seeing him a night or two a week? I think that will be really tough, and I guess that's best case scenario that we still like each other after the time in close quarters. But that's a future me problem and I don't have enough spoons for now, let alone the future.

I sometimes feel I don't deserve someone as wonderful as Henry. He's literally doing all this extra work so that Charles will have a space here of his own. And while I think there will be some benefits having another adult around, there's also just the whole having another person in your space. And he's still willing to do it to make me happy. When I ever again ask myself what love is, it's Henry.
 
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Well, you know what they say about plans. So just fuck it all.

Charles’ housemate went back to work three days before the end of self-isolation. Therefore, Charles can’t come stay with us. Our government is saying lockdown until at least July.

I can’t do this. I just can’t. Fuck it all. I’m hiding in my room and not coming out until this is all over. I’m just done.
 
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