LeftBehind
New member
Curious question about NRE: How long does it generally last? This thing with them started in November. The Dom/sub thing started maybe around Jan.
A BDSM, wife found a dom and excludes me completely
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LeftBehind
New member
Well I went away for a few days to clear my head. When i came back, she had a talk with him and they both admitted they had fallen in love. So at least now it makes sense why she reacted the way she did.
Now the problem is, I am not the primary with her anymore. That doesn't sit right with me at all. She's always been the #1, the primary, the forever, even at the height (or depth)of my depression. So now that this thing isn't going to end anytime soon, I'm stuck with staying nad trying to become primary again, or just packing my bags and getting out of this mess (last thing I want, but she doesn't present alternative ideas except for wait it out).
Now the problem is, I am not the primary with her anymore. That doesn't sit right with me at all. She's always been the #1, the primary, the forever, even at the height (or depth)of my depression. So now that this thing isn't going to end anytime soon, I'm stuck with staying nad trying to become primary again, or just packing my bags and getting out of this mess (last thing I want, but she doesn't present alternative ideas except for wait it out).
You are not willing to share time as co-primaries?
(It's ok if you are not. Just trying to understand where you are at now.)
Maybe it helps to read this about types of open models. It isn't exhaustive, but maybe it helps you clarify which ones you might be able to deal with and which ones you are not.
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships
Part of the problem is this whole changing winds. She's not in love, she's in love. She's willing to drop it, she's not willing but it's gonna end soon, it's not ending. That gotta be rough on you. Like "Make up your mind!" or something.
Galagirl
(It's ok if you are not. Just trying to understand where you are at now.)
Maybe it helps to read this about types of open models. It isn't exhaustive, but maybe it helps you clarify which ones you might be able to deal with and which ones you are not.
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships
Part of the problem is this whole changing winds. She's not in love, she's in love. She's willing to drop it, she's not willing but it's gonna end soon, it's not ending. That gotta be rough on you. Like "Make up your mind!" or something.
Galagirl
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FallenAngelina
Well-known member
She's not changing winds, she's just trying not to hurt him. People equivocate all the time when they are afraid of hurting someone with the truth. When people feel backed into a corner, they often dance around the truth and say just enough to appease the person they are trying not to hurt. Very few people are good at honesty all the time.
This seems like yet another case of claiming "poly" as a transition from one monogamous relationship to another. "Let's be poly" is the new trial separation. Lots of people seem to be trying out "poly" as a way of easing from one relationship to another, but it's really just a bridge between monogamists. Poly doesn't mean simply having two people around, it means loving multiple people at once and monogamists don't/can't do that. When it comes to love, there is always one or the other. There's no "co-primaries" about this situation. She isn't into it and the OP doesn't want it. They're monogamous.
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I think that kind of behavior can still feel like "changing winds" to the recipient.
The other person might be trying NOT to hurt them. Yet it still FEELS hurtful + destabilizing for the one on the receiving end.
Yup. I've seen that "exit strategy" play out IRL.
LeftBehind, what's your desired outcome at this point in time? What do you need to help you feel more stable through this relationship brouhaha while still managing your patient conditions + pandemic wackies?
Galagirl
The other person might be trying NOT to hurt them. Yet it still FEELS hurtful + destabilizing for the one on the receiving end.
Yup. I've seen that "exit strategy" play out IRL.
LeftBehind, what's your desired outcome at this point in time? What do you need to help you feel more stable through this relationship brouhaha while still managing your patient conditions + pandemic wackies?
Galagirl
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LeftBehind
New member
I read your article and it was very informative, but I have to stipulate that I never agreed or even was consulted on how far this was going to begin with. At first, I checked out and didn't want to hear about it. Then when I "came back" with the testosterone therapy and my fog lifted, I found I was technically replaced. Zero discussions on how I was hurting her or making her feel "single" or alone. While I take some of the blame for that level of depression, she took my "Go be happy" when it came to a sexual relationship and dove head first. I don't blame her for that at all. What I blame her for was allowing me to be replaced, not even giving me a chance to fix US when it was probably the best time to do it, and now telling me "I am not leaving either of you. One of you will have to do it, but don't go telling him to 'stay away from your wife' because I will hate you for it". Oh, and 're-date' me if you want a chance to regain your primary status because, well - I made a decision to swap you or try for a co-primary role without your knowledge or agreement."
She wants the marriage to work and for us to work through it while still seeing him. She saw him today. She brought home the dozen roses be bought her. She even said "Don't be mad" before I even saw them. How else was I supposed to respond? No, I didn't blow up, but it just felt like the heel of her foot to my heart again. It just adds to the list of little games he is playing now that tell me he wants to remain primary if not woo her away from me completely (but says he doesn't want to affect our marriage).
She's considering going to her parents' house (out of state) to sort this through. I wanted to avoid that, because I thought it would do us more harm than good, but now I see very few options left. I want to fight for my marriage, and she wants everything regardless of my feelings but not change anything at all.
Sadly, I am finding very little to hold onto anymore. I can't beat depression to come out and find a better reason to be depressed, or just "deal with it". I also don't want to throw 15 yrs away with a woman that I was truly happy with and in love with because we had our first, real problem. We have NEVER had an issue close to this before, ever. Her dating, me dating, cuckolding, swinging. No jealousy, no lack of empathy, no arguing but a lot of discussing leading to mutual consensus, none of those things. Our fights up until this point have been so minor and petty - and FEW, that my friend said we don't even know how to fight. But this is like the nuclear war of it all, isn't it?
She wants me to stay, she wants me to feel...but she doesn't want ME, at least not enough to leave him/pause with him/take a break from him, etc. Damned if I do...damned if I don't. If I don't fight, I don't care. If I do fight, I am being controlling and possessive. If I say I don't want to hear about him for the time being, she brings home roses.
I'm at a loss. Lose her, lose myself, we both lose. Too much loss. I've been working on my exit strategy already. I NEVER imagined I'd need one with her. Now I am preparing for the worst and hoping for just better. Is that wrong of me? Am I being too pushy or the opposite, a doormat?
Where is the middle ground? I mean, part of me doesn't want this snake (I call him a snake now, because he is playing game on one hand and talking flowery the next moment) to get hurt. He makes her happy. She's "in love" with him, and he her. At the same time, I don't want to care about his feelings. I'd rather just bash his head in (but I won't). I need to care about MY feelings, and I just don't know where they are anymore.
She wants the marriage to work and for us to work through it while still seeing him. She saw him today. She brought home the dozen roses be bought her. She even said "Don't be mad" before I even saw them. How else was I supposed to respond? No, I didn't blow up, but it just felt like the heel of her foot to my heart again. It just adds to the list of little games he is playing now that tell me he wants to remain primary if not woo her away from me completely (but says he doesn't want to affect our marriage).
She's considering going to her parents' house (out of state) to sort this through. I wanted to avoid that, because I thought it would do us more harm than good, but now I see very few options left. I want to fight for my marriage, and she wants everything regardless of my feelings but not change anything at all.
Sadly, I am finding very little to hold onto anymore. I can't beat depression to come out and find a better reason to be depressed, or just "deal with it". I also don't want to throw 15 yrs away with a woman that I was truly happy with and in love with because we had our first, real problem. We have NEVER had an issue close to this before, ever. Her dating, me dating, cuckolding, swinging. No jealousy, no lack of empathy, no arguing but a lot of discussing leading to mutual consensus, none of those things. Our fights up until this point have been so minor and petty - and FEW, that my friend said we don't even know how to fight. But this is like the nuclear war of it all, isn't it?
She wants me to stay, she wants me to feel...but she doesn't want ME, at least not enough to leave him/pause with him/take a break from him, etc. Damned if I do...damned if I don't. If I don't fight, I don't care. If I do fight, I am being controlling and possessive. If I say I don't want to hear about him for the time being, she brings home roses.
I'm at a loss. Lose her, lose myself, we both lose. Too much loss. I've been working on my exit strategy already. I NEVER imagined I'd need one with her. Now I am preparing for the worst and hoping for just better. Is that wrong of me? Am I being too pushy or the opposite, a doormat?
Where is the middle ground? I mean, part of me doesn't want this snake (I call him a snake now, because he is playing game on one hand and talking flowery the next moment) to get hurt. He makes her happy. She's "in love" with him, and he her. At the same time, I don't want to care about his feelings. I'd rather just bash his head in (but I won't). I need to care about MY feelings, and I just don't know where they are anymore.
Let me repeat what I understand in my own words to be sure I got it right.
Wife and Dude? Where it started as BDSM play partners? Now they claim to be in love.
BACKGROUND
WIFE
HIM
If you are feeling disheartened?
I think her going to her parent's house might be a good thing. Take a time out. At least then you don't have to look at roses.
You could tell her...
I think you are being realistic. Sometimes people in poly hell don't realize how much they are taking the established partner for granted til they are fed up and out the door themselves. Then it may or may not be to late to repair.
Maybe you could print the article out, and highlight the parts you are experiencing? And ask her to read it.
But if she's not even going to try, then you have to accept you are talking to a brick wall for now. I think you are entering or in this section:
I'm hoping taking a time out knocks some sense into her and brings you some rest and relief from daily up and downy. At least then you don't have to be looking at the roses and hearing stuff you don't want to hear right now because she TMI's you with her NRE lalalas.
So stop caring about his feelings and let him deal with them. He feels happy right now. So? Let him deal with that.
Your feelings seem pretty clear to me. You are NOT happy. So deal with your own stuff.
You were initially willing to work something out, but she's gone off into NRE obsessed, and she's hard to talk to when she's like that. You are not happy with your wife's behaviors that neglect the marriage. You can ask her to pay attention and focus. But if she doesn't? You cannot force her.
And now in changing models without talking to you? She's making unilateral decisions for the couple like lalalala everything will work out for WIFE. Never mind what the others think/want? Well, if you don't like being treated like that? You can decide to leave.
So... you might have to quietly remind her. Something like...
"Look, I don't like this LIKE THIS. In the past our having other relationships wasn't a problem like this one is. I don't feel heard this time. I am frustrated trying to penetrate the pink fluffy clouds you are in. I am happy for you. Enjoy them.
But when it's time to talk to me about (you and me) please TUNE IN. Don't just phone it in or half ass it.
Stop trying to make it be like I have a problem with HIM. He's a stranger to me. He's got stuff about him I don't care for right now, but my problem is not him. My problem is WITH YOU NOT LISTENING.
YOU do not make time on your calendar to talk about OUR marriage. You are neglecting this side of the V. I feel taken for granted or put on a shelf because you have this New Shiny Person where you put most of your energy right now.
Whenever I try to tell you what's going on with me, you act out like I don't like him or I'm possessive or whatever. I show up at the table to work on the marriage and it's like you blow me off. You say you care about the about the marriage, but then won't schedule or won't come to the meeting. Your talk and walk do not match. This is mixed messages to me. THAT is why I'm upset with you. So go to you parents and take a time out to think how you want to deal with the marriage and I'll do same. "
Cuz maybe you decide you don't want to continue if this is all there is now?
Only you can decide how long a rope you want to give this. See if it blows over or if this is just too much to take and you want to separate for a while. Not just her visit the parents, but a temp separation or a permanent one.
Like reduce you stress to start. Still not happy, but at least not listening to the lalalalalas in your face if she takes a break at the parents.
Then take it one thing at a time from there. I am hoping it's a wake up call for her and you move toward repair.
Hang in there.
Galagirl
Wife and Dude? Where it started as BDSM play partners? Now they claim to be in love.
BACKGROUND
- You were depressed. Told wife to "go be happy." You were kinda checked out with the illness.
- Wife wanted you to get testosterone therapy, which you did. Eventually you felt better on the depression front.
- You are not excited to "come out" of that depression only to go back into a new depression again because wife's NRE is super frustrating for you.
- You want to work things out with your wife, but she's not listening because she's obsessed with New Dude. Like Poly Hell BDSM flavor.
WIFE
- She wants the marriage to work and for you and her to work through it while still seeing him. Her plan to do this is...
- She won't set time on her calendar to work on the marriage.
- She's making unilateral decisions for the couple and decided to change the relationship model to "co-primary" without you getting a vote. Because you did not sign up for "co-primary" anything.
- She wants you to date/court her to regain your primary status. You don't want to date her or compete with Dude like "jumping through hoops."
- Nothing on how she plans to start courting YOU again also.
- She's not willing to consider your feelings or make changes to how she's spending her time because...
- She's obsessed with the new relationship.
- She won't stop dating him.
- She will not break up with him or with you.
- Like she's gone NRE blind or something. Not listening to you.
HIM
- Before he didn't want to break up the marriage. ( Quote: "This guy, her Dom, has been VERY GOOD actually in not doing anything INTENTIONALLY to put our marriage at risk.")
- Now he now tells you that he's wants to stay primary. And maybe outright snake her away from you.
- So you don't want to be looking as the roses he gives her because you think "Ugh, from Dude."
- You can see this poor behavior toward you but she can't see it yet because she's still all rose colored glasses lalala about him.
If you are feeling disheartened?
I think her going to her parent's house might be a good thing. Take a time out. At least then you don't have to look at roses.
You could tell her...
- You aren't going to stop her from seeing Dude.
- You did NOT sign up for a co-primary model. Nobody asked you what you wanted.
- You would like to work on the marriage, but see that she's not putting time on the calendar to be able to do that. You feel like you show up at the table and she blows you off.
- You feel damned if you do...damned if you don't. If you don't fight, she takes it like you don't care. If you do fight, she says you are being controlling and possessive.
- She wants to go home to her parents? You think a time out to calm down and recenter could help. So go. Then check in on ____ to decide what is next for the state of the marriage. If you both want to try to repair again, or want to call the marriage quits.
I think you are being realistic. Sometimes people in poly hell don't realize how much they are taking the established partner for granted til they are fed up and out the door themselves. Then it may or may not be to late to repair.
Maybe you could print the article out, and highlight the parts you are experiencing? And ask her to read it.
But if she's not even going to try, then you have to accept you are talking to a brick wall for now. I think you are entering or in this section:
I'm hoping taking a time out knocks some sense into her and brings you some rest and relief from daily up and downy. At least then you don't have to be looking at the roses and hearing stuff you don't want to hear right now because she TMI's you with her NRE lalalas.
So stop caring about his feelings and let him deal with them. He feels happy right now. So? Let him deal with that.
Your feelings seem pretty clear to me. You are NOT happy. So deal with your own stuff.
You were initially willing to work something out, but she's gone off into NRE obsessed, and she's hard to talk to when she's like that. You are not happy with your wife's behaviors that neglect the marriage. You can ask her to pay attention and focus. But if she doesn't? You cannot force her.
And now in changing models without talking to you? She's making unilateral decisions for the couple like lalalala everything will work out for WIFE. Never mind what the others think/want? Well, if you don't like being treated like that? You can decide to leave.
So... you might have to quietly remind her. Something like...
"Look, I don't like this LIKE THIS. In the past our having other relationships wasn't a problem like this one is. I don't feel heard this time. I am frustrated trying to penetrate the pink fluffy clouds you are in. I am happy for you. Enjoy them.
But when it's time to talk to me about (you and me) please TUNE IN. Don't just phone it in or half ass it.
Stop trying to make it be like I have a problem with HIM. He's a stranger to me. He's got stuff about him I don't care for right now, but my problem is not him. My problem is WITH YOU NOT LISTENING.
YOU do not make time on your calendar to talk about OUR marriage. You are neglecting this side of the V. I feel taken for granted or put on a shelf because you have this New Shiny Person where you put most of your energy right now.
Whenever I try to tell you what's going on with me, you act out like I don't like him or I'm possessive or whatever. I show up at the table to work on the marriage and it's like you blow me off. You say you care about the about the marriage, but then won't schedule or won't come to the meeting. Your talk and walk do not match. This is mixed messages to me. THAT is why I'm upset with you. So go to you parents and take a time out to think how you want to deal with the marriage and I'll do same. "
Cuz maybe you decide you don't want to continue if this is all there is now?
Only you can decide how long a rope you want to give this. See if it blows over or if this is just too much to take and you want to separate for a while. Not just her visit the parents, but a temp separation or a permanent one.
Like reduce you stress to start. Still not happy, but at least not listening to the lalalalalas in your face if she takes a break at the parents.
Then take it one thing at a time from there. I am hoping it's a wake up call for her and you move toward repair.
Hang in there.
Galagirl
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vinsanity0
Active member
So the crux of the "problem" is that she loves both of you and you only want her to love you? It sounds like she failed some sort of test you made up - if she loves you she will stop seeing him.
What you are experiencing is very common with couples who open up to have casual only relationships. It's very difficult to maintain a casual relationship with one person over a period of time without any feelings happening, especially in a D/s relationship which requires a huge amount of trust.
It doesn't sound like she wants to leave you. She wants to have two relationships. That isn't shocking to anyone here. The question is whether or not you can work through your jealousy. Or if you even want to try. (It's okay if you don't want to try, that's up to you.)
You came here and chose the nickname "LeftBehind", but you aren't being left behind, you are pushing her away. Your nickname is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are also demonizing a guy who really has done nothing but date your wife.
What you are experiencing is very common with couples who open up to have casual only relationships. It's very difficult to maintain a casual relationship with one person over a period of time without any feelings happening, especially in a D/s relationship which requires a huge amount of trust.
It doesn't sound like she wants to leave you. She wants to have two relationships. That isn't shocking to anyone here. The question is whether or not you can work through your jealousy. Or if you even want to try. (It's okay if you don't want to try, that's up to you.)
You came here and chose the nickname "LeftBehind", but you aren't being left behind, you are pushing her away. Your nickname is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are also demonizing a guy who really has done nothing but date your wife.
fuchka
Active member
Wow, that's really insensitive.
A break where she stays with her parents sounds like a good idea, as does you planning exit strategy. Sad, but realistic as GG said.
I hope you're able to find a way to work through this, with a bit of perspective and space from her NRE with him.
Speaking from experience from my troubled marriage, it can seem like a sort of giving up, and trigger feelings of abandonment, when our partner "goes home to mother," or to a friend's couch, or a hotel, for a period of time. But it can really take the pressure off! You're both emotionally overloaded. A few days, or weeks of being apart can work wonders.
Try not to text, call or email though. That will defeat the purpose.
Look up couple's counselors while she's gone. I think the stuff GG suggested would best be said with a neutral mediator.
I don't remember if anyone mentioned that part of all this might be because you were in a part time long distance relationship for 20 years. I've never been in the military, or married to someone in the armed forces, but I'm sure a wife has to get a sort of independent mindset to deal with day to day events without her spouse's input. All this new togetherness is something brand new and not easy.
The roses are a kick in the balls. I remember when my ex h and I were trying to Open, and his gf came to visit us early on for a few days (which was hard enough!). She was there during Valentine's Day, and my h tried to be "fair," and gave us each the same flowers and candy. I know he meant well, but I read it as, she was just as important to him after 3 months, as I was after 20 years. I was really angry and hurt.
You mentioned your wife said you and she need to date each other again. You seemed to feel insulted by this. But actually, it is important to keep "dating," or making formal quality time arrangements, with one's long term partner, when dealing with NRE! Too often long term partners forget to keep dating each other. You have lots of quantity time, but not quality time.
These are just a couple more ideas that weren't addressed above. I'm wishing you the best!
Try not to text, call or email though. That will defeat the purpose.
Look up couple's counselors while she's gone. I think the stuff GG suggested would best be said with a neutral mediator.
I don't remember if anyone mentioned that part of all this might be because you were in a part time long distance relationship for 20 years. I've never been in the military, or married to someone in the armed forces, but I'm sure a wife has to get a sort of independent mindset to deal with day to day events without her spouse's input. All this new togetherness is something brand new and not easy.
The roses are a kick in the balls. I remember when my ex h and I were trying to Open, and his gf came to visit us early on for a few days (which was hard enough!). She was there during Valentine's Day, and my h tried to be "fair," and gave us each the same flowers and candy. I know he meant well, but I read it as, she was just as important to him after 3 months, as I was after 20 years. I was really angry and hurt.
You mentioned your wife said you and she need to date each other again. You seemed to feel insulted by this. But actually, it is important to keep "dating," or making formal quality time arrangements, with one's long term partner, when dealing with NRE! Too often long term partners forget to keep dating each other. You have lots of quantity time, but not quality time.
These are just a couple more ideas that weren't addressed above. I'm wishing you the best!
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dingedheart
Well-known member
Actually he said she said “ Oh, and 're-date' me if you want a chance to regain your primary status because, well - I made a decision to swap you or try for a co-primary role without your knowledge or agreement."
I think the insulting part is being swapped out so quickly when initially being told everything was fine. The insulting part is dealing with a sexless marriage for 10 yrs and then dealing with a pretty clear stated case demotion and displacement. I’m sure those feel like major body blows at the worst possible time.
Also I think it’s insulting to say All the fun and exciting things I said NO to before I’m now doing and enjoying with my new Dom bF and sorry but those are reserved for him but I want to feel courted by you. Co primaries ???really !!
How about fighting to still be on the team.
LeftBehind
New member
Well I went out of town for four days last week and spent time with that girlfriend that isn't really a girlfriend anymore but we still love each other. She can't believe we're going through this at all. She tried and fought hard to keep distance, but she threw her hat into this ring of chaos and made a play of her own. So now I have her wanting me (all to herself, she doesn't want to do poly or swinging or anything). You have me wanting my wife and being the primary (which means I lose her), and my wife wanting both and just have the situation she has and I just deal with it.
I came back a little refreshed from that trip but it didn't last long. She is going home to her parents out of state for at least a few weeks. No, I won't text her or anything, but I want her to have him give her the same space. That's up to her of course, but if she's texting him while I am silent, then I guess we already know the answer don't we?
I am just going to focus on my exit plan. I doubt her time with her parents, no matter how long, will fix anything. She said I pushed her too far away, and honestly she has done that to me now. I call this the last ditch effort. She says in her gut she knows she will lose us both. Well I already know I am going to lose someone. I just don't want it to be HER. She is my wife, my primary, my everything. The problem is - I'm not her primary or everything. I'm second place at best. A comfort or security blanket to come home to. He gets the "best" parts so he can send the rest back to me (his words actually).
We do have a couples counseling with a kink friendly marriage counselor on Weds. I already met with her once (video chat). Problem is, one hour once a week just isn't going to get us out of crisis mode in enough time. That's how bad it has gotten. I'll fight and give it every chance I can, but at some point soon it will get to be too much to fight against. She's digging in and I'm drowning.
I came back a little refreshed from that trip but it didn't last long. She is going home to her parents out of state for at least a few weeks. No, I won't text her or anything, but I want her to have him give her the same space. That's up to her of course, but if she's texting him while I am silent, then I guess we already know the answer don't we?
I am just going to focus on my exit plan. I doubt her time with her parents, no matter how long, will fix anything. She said I pushed her too far away, and honestly she has done that to me now. I call this the last ditch effort. She says in her gut she knows she will lose us both. Well I already know I am going to lose someone. I just don't want it to be HER. She is my wife, my primary, my everything. The problem is - I'm not her primary or everything. I'm second place at best. A comfort or security blanket to come home to. He gets the "best" parts so he can send the rest back to me (his words actually).
We do have a couples counseling with a kink friendly marriage counselor on Weds. I already met with her once (video chat). Problem is, one hour once a week just isn't going to get us out of crisis mode in enough time. That's how bad it has gotten. I'll fight and give it every chance I can, but at some point soon it will get to be too much to fight against. She's digging in and I'm drowning.
What a mess!
I'm glad you have counseling lined up for support.
Speak your truth. Stick with what you want. You might not get it, but at this point? Be super honest and straight up. What else is there?
I don't blame you for wanting to have an exit plan just in case. I would. The poly hell here is to the max.
Well, she says she "knows" but she's not exactly putting in effort to change that outcome from the sound of it either.
Like if you always knew the vase would break on the rickety table... why not move the vase? Or fix the table? Rather than just doing nothing and letting the vase fall and break if the table is jostled?
Sigh. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you to navigate.
Ugh. Those are his words? He says that to you? What a jerk.
She's THAT blind to it? Or is she repeating his words to you? Either way... Ugh.
I'm so sorry this is like this.
All you can do is do your best. And it's ok if your "I'm drowning" best isn't the same as your "healthy full strength" best.
See it to the end... whatever the end to this poly hell may turn out to be.
Galagirl
I'm glad you have counseling lined up for support.
Speak your truth. Stick with what you want. You might not get it, but at this point? Be super honest and straight up. What else is there?
I don't blame you for wanting to have an exit plan just in case. I would. The poly hell here is to the max.
Well, she says she "knows" but she's not exactly putting in effort to change that outcome from the sound of it either.
Like if you always knew the vase would break on the rickety table... why not move the vase? Or fix the table? Rather than just doing nothing and letting the vase fall and break if the table is jostled?
Sigh. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you to navigate.
Ugh. Those are his words? He says that to you? What a jerk.
She's THAT blind to it? Or is she repeating his words to you? Either way... Ugh.
I'm so sorry this is like this.
All you can do is do your best. And it's ok if your "I'm drowning" best isn't the same as your "healthy full strength" best.
See it to the end... whatever the end to this poly hell may turn out to be.
Galagirl
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I wasn't sure if those were all her words, or if the first part was, and the rest was Leftbehind's feelings. It doesn't make sense she'd say that.
Probably not a great idea to go running to an ex gf when you're so overwhelmed. You just made things even more complicated! Oh well.
You can't control what she does. This break will benefit you and give you breathing space, no matter what she's doing. You can only control what you do.
Maybe she'll use it to increase her bond with her new bf. (What will her parents think about this breakup of hers, I wonder? She's basically cheating on you.)
Maybe absence will make her heart grow fonder, and she'll start to feel some guilt for treating you this way. Time will tell.
Thinking of someone as your "everything" is monogamist thinking. In polyamory, the only person who is your everything is YOU. It's actually not healthy to think of someone as your everything, no matter your relationship style. Relationships change. People die. It's best to look out for yourself, care for yourself. That way, if a relationship ends, you don't lose yourself in the process. You have a base. You are your own primary.
How do you know your metamour's words? Did he say that directly to you? Or did your wife report that? It's a very hurtful nasty thing to say to your face. WTH?
It's going to be helpful to you. There is no time limit. Therapy takes time. You need help dealing with this and healing, no matter the outcome. That's what therapy is for.
She wants polyamory. You don't. (Or maybe her polyamory is just a stepping stone to getting out of relationship with you.) It sounds like you've grown apart and become incompatible. Therapy will help see if anything can be done to keep you two together comfortably. If not, it will help you, personally, grow and learn and heal and ultimately live a more fulfilling life as a stronger person.
I did it, and so can you.
Honestly, LeftBehind, at this point you have lost all my sympathy. Everyone has given you very kind, patient, and thoughtful advice, and you resent all of it. You come across as whiny and entitled about your relationship with your wife.
You and your wife have had what sounded to me like a pretty happy open marriage for a long time. You were supportive of each other's explorations and non-monogamous dating for years. It's true that the timing wasn't always working out--you had permission to date when you were in the military but lacked the opportunity due to the constraints of military life--and then you and your wife each had mismatched periods of low/high libidos...most recently while you dealt with depression and low testosterone.
But now that you have resolved your depression and low T, you are throwing an absolute tantrum instead of embracing what could be a new phase in your non-monogamous marriage. You need to get over yourself.
I don't think your wife is doing anything wrong here. You are pitching a fit about being "left behind" instead of trying to reconnect with your wife. You are demanding she give up her other partner instead of dealing with why you feel entitled to be her only partner after such a long, non-monogamous marriage.
Now you want to threaten to leave her for this monogamous ex-girlfriend. Earlier you were whining about how you can't get women because of your age or "dad bod," but now, instead of feeling happy that you're desired, and recognizing how nice it might to have another partner of your own while your wife also has another partner, you are still throwing a fit. You are going to make this whole mess much worse if you introduce a possessive, monogamous ex-girlfriend into the mix.
No wonder your wife is pissed at you.
You and your wife have had what sounded to me like a pretty happy open marriage for a long time. You were supportive of each other's explorations and non-monogamous dating for years. It's true that the timing wasn't always working out--you had permission to date when you were in the military but lacked the opportunity due to the constraints of military life--and then you and your wife each had mismatched periods of low/high libidos...most recently while you dealt with depression and low testosterone.
But now that you have resolved your depression and low T, you are throwing an absolute tantrum instead of embracing what could be a new phase in your non-monogamous marriage. You need to get over yourself.
I don't think your wife is doing anything wrong here. You are pitching a fit about being "left behind" instead of trying to reconnect with your wife. You are demanding she give up her other partner instead of dealing with why you feel entitled to be her only partner after such a long, non-monogamous marriage.
Now you want to threaten to leave her for this monogamous ex-girlfriend. Earlier you were whining about how you can't get women because of your age or "dad bod," but now, instead of feeling happy that you're desired, and recognizing how nice it might to have another partner of your own while your wife also has another partner, you are still throwing a fit. You are going to make this whole mess much worse if you introduce a possessive, monogamous ex-girlfriend into the mix.
No wonder your wife is pissed at you.
LeftBehind
New member
I do want to start by saying I do not resent or ressit any type of input or advice at all. That is why I posted.
I actually agree with you. I feel like I am coming off as whiny. I am in a place I never imagined. I am jealous and I never used to be jealous. I am hurt by someone I never thought would hurt me. I am goikg through confusions and stress in the only area of my life that made sense. So yea, I am going through a yo yo of emotions.
I want to kind of clarify something. The other woman was never really considered a girlfriend or even ex-girlfriend. We started as fuck buddies because in both our marriage, sex was nonexistent. We fell in love. We broke up, got back together and dialed it down. She divorced and moved a 5-6 hr drive away. It faded into a deep friendship of love, but not being in love. That in love thing rekindled recently, but regardless, I want my wife as my primary...period and this gf knows it. Yes she opened up and said she has always wanted me for more, and that was something I really needed to hear and might be able to feel the same way about, not I can't make any rash decisions in that regard. It benefits noone and could hurt everyone.
She does have plenty to be pissed at me over. I agree there too. However please understand that my wife was never a cruel or mean person at all...ever. she was extremely thoughtful and empathetic. Lately it's the opposite with me. Her thought patterns seem to have shifted. I can't reconnect because she truly isn't trying either. No sex. No fun (mainly do to quarentine but also because we are both exhausted over this situation). She can go see him and there, she's happy. She comes home to me and it's instant stress. So I let her go see him to he happy, and nothing I can do at this point reduces her stress.
We have the second therapy this week. Week one was just me giving my story. This week will probably be just her. Ues, we do need the therapy badly. I am also trying to get the VA to restart my therapy for just me. As I am sure you can guess, divorce lawyers and therapists are making a killing with this lockdown.
So I DO appreciate all comments. I reread them all, especially as my moods fluctuate. Yes, I need your input, hard and pointed as it is, just as much as the softer and sympathetic ones. I am struggling with balance, getting on level ground. So it all helps.
I want to keep posting as things progress and I want all types of honest input throughout. It all DOES help me. So thank you.
I actually agree with you. I feel like I am coming off as whiny. I am in a place I never imagined. I am jealous and I never used to be jealous. I am hurt by someone I never thought would hurt me. I am goikg through confusions and stress in the only area of my life that made sense. So yea, I am going through a yo yo of emotions.
I want to kind of clarify something. The other woman was never really considered a girlfriend or even ex-girlfriend. We started as fuck buddies because in both our marriage, sex was nonexistent. We fell in love. We broke up, got back together and dialed it down. She divorced and moved a 5-6 hr drive away. It faded into a deep friendship of love, but not being in love. That in love thing rekindled recently, but regardless, I want my wife as my primary...period and this gf knows it. Yes she opened up and said she has always wanted me for more, and that was something I really needed to hear and might be able to feel the same way about, not I can't make any rash decisions in that regard. It benefits noone and could hurt everyone.
She does have plenty to be pissed at me over. I agree there too. However please understand that my wife was never a cruel or mean person at all...ever. she was extremely thoughtful and empathetic. Lately it's the opposite with me. Her thought patterns seem to have shifted. I can't reconnect because she truly isn't trying either. No sex. No fun (mainly do to quarentine but also because we are both exhausted over this situation). She can go see him and there, she's happy. She comes home to me and it's instant stress. So I let her go see him to he happy, and nothing I can do at this point reduces her stress.
We have the second therapy this week. Week one was just me giving my story. This week will probably be just her. Ues, we do need the therapy badly. I am also trying to get the VA to restart my therapy for just me. As I am sure you can guess, divorce lawyers and therapists are making a killing with this lockdown.
So I DO appreciate all comments. I reread them all, especially as my moods fluctuate. Yes, I need your input, hard and pointed as it is, just as much as the softer and sympathetic ones. I am struggling with balance, getting on level ground. So it all helps.
I want to keep posting as things progress and I want all types of honest input throughout. It all DOES help me. So thank you.