LeftBehind
New member
I'm having some trouble, I am a late 40s man married to a late 30s woman for over 15 yrs now. From day 1 of our relationship, we have not been traditional. We've been swinging, playing with the cuckold/hotwife thing on a few short term occasions, and we both knew we were poly able.
I was in the military for most of this, and throughout that entire time I had a roaring sex drive. Being in the military, everything had to be very low key, cautious, etc. About five years into our marriage, her sex drive began to diminish to nothingness. She would still do it after some persistence, but then it began to feel like it was forced so I started to feel guilty just asking for it. Throughout all of this time she told me to go find someone else. Now I roll my eyes at this for a few reasons: 1) I'm a guy, and while I don't consider myself ugly or unattractive by any means, I am not some blow-you-away type from the start, and 2) We were stationed at all these small bases, small communities - everyone knows everyone. Now I did try, carefully, to no avail.
So that's how it was for near a decade. We finally get stationed Stateside and she's at rock bottom with the sex drive. It's starting to cause problems. First she finally opens up to me that sex hurt...like extremely bad. I'm at the "WTF?? Why didn't you tell me???" stage, and I am feeling hurt, angry, and extremely GUILTY (to this day with the guilt). So since we're back in the States, the medical care we can get is far better (because we're not limited to military care). So she starts seeing a doctor and starts working on it. She still hurts so she goes back to the "find someone" thing. Well I kept trying and a few years later I actually did find someone.
That someone was also married, but separated. She just wanted a play partner. I just needed a play partner. It grew into something more, and my wife was perfectly accepting of it. Things were ok. My wife was working on her medical issue and I wasn't bugging her for sex. My void was full.
Well that girlfriend had to move further away. At the same time, I was being medically removed from the military due to some injuries, so I started to slip into a bad depression. I was also on testosterone replacement therapy at the time and the military stopped it due to prostate concerns. Meanwhile my wife was now powerlifting and had a personal trainer, dropping weight like nobody's business, and she saw her drive coming back. At one point she said her trainer was expressing a lot of interest in her sexually, so of course I was more than happy to say "By all means, explore!". He was very, very, very well endowed (much bigger than me, and that's not a problem at all...but it explains something). She didn't feel pain! It worked!
But then *I* started to lose my sex drive. The stress of being removed from the military and that depression, the uncertainty of my future or even my identity (I was in the military over 20 yrs) was pressing on me hard. So after my retirement, I became a "house husband". She still worked, I stayed retired...alone, in my head, sinking further.
I had suggested we finally check out the swingers club (now that I am not in the military, it's not a problem). She was on board. I figured getting and going out, being around like minded/care-free'ish people, a sexually charged environment would do us both good. It did - for her. Not for me. I was still sinking. So I did for her what she had done for me - I said "Go find someone". And she did. And it was working.
Now at first she was treating it like our past cuckold play. She would come home and want to tell me about it. I didn't want to hear about it. I wasn't in the mood. In fact after a few of her play dates I found myself in the opposite mood - sex was disgusting me. So I told her that by all means keep playing, be happy...but leave me out of it. I don't want to hear about it.
Now after that, she finally saw where I was. She started to push me to go to a men's clinic and get back on testosterone. I didn't want to. So for a few months I remained indifferent to her activities. Far as I was concerned, that was the best outcome. We still had a very loving, caring marriage at home and she was getting her sexual needs met elsewhere. Win-win.
Well between her and my now very long distance/haven't seen in a few years girlfriend that I still talked to - they both got on me to get on testosterone. So I went to the clinic, had second thoughts, my wife said "Just try it!", so I did. The shots have started working. By the fourth week, I noticed urges and erections and sexual thoughts. By week five...I was feeling like a full blown monster.
So I tell my wife about it, thinking she's been pushing for this so she's ready to go too - and she hits the brakes.
Seems her and her playmate became something I never imagined. She became a full on sub to him and he is her Dom. She had NEVER expressed that to me ever in the past as even an interest. She has a closet full of new outfits and toys and I am completely blown away. Now I am not angry, I said I didn't want to hear about it. That was my bed that I made.
Then I start hearing about all the shit they were doing. They'd go out to a vanilla bar or club, and he'd finger her inside the club. I would never have gotten away with that...she would have pulled away in a heartbeat. He gets her anally. WTF? She was 150% against anal throughout or entire relationship. Deep throat/face f***ing. Same thing. And then the tasks. He ordered her once to clean his room naked. She has never been naked outside of our bedroom or bathroom our entire marriage. She says "I'll never say no to him". GAH WHAT!?!?
So she sees my shock and we start talking through it. Then she hits me with the bricks. She could NEVER sub to me, we're equals and she doesn't fear me at all (part of this for her is the slight fear thrill she gets). I can never have her anally or get deep throat style blowjobs or make her do tasks or finger her in public because she only does that as a "sub". So with me being her "equal" that doesn't cause her any fear, I can be told no on whatever request she'll say yes to him for.
So to shorten this already too long background to lead to a question, here's what's happening:
1) My sex drive came back with a vengeance, but now because I told her to go have fun without me - she has developed new kinks and interests that she can't/won't share with me. She feels we can move forward with plain old vanilla sex.
2) She'll stop if I ask her to stop. We all know what will come of that on her end, and I know it won't change anything on my end. I don't see any benefit at all from this stopping. I can't unhear the stories. I can't unfeel what I felt (betrayed, hopeless, hurt). I just have to accept this is a piece of her that is fully hers and hers without me.
3) She's not in love with this guy. She is 100% sure he'll get bored with her and move on. I, however, don't really think any guy in his right mind would ever give something like this up. So if I don't push for it to stop, it will continue.
I guess the question is - how do I get past this? We're talking like mad, covering everything from start to today. My honest to goodness suggestion was I stop taking the shots, she goes back to not telling me what they do, and we move on with the rest of our happy marriage. No shots = no sex drive = no loss for me. She says she wants to have sex with me...but in the same breath she talks about how thrilling it is with HIM, and that all these thrilling things she won't do with ME. It almost feels like "Oh your drive is back (that I pushed for you to get back), well here's a bone/pity-fuck".
Am I wrong here?
I was in the military for most of this, and throughout that entire time I had a roaring sex drive. Being in the military, everything had to be very low key, cautious, etc. About five years into our marriage, her sex drive began to diminish to nothingness. She would still do it after some persistence, but then it began to feel like it was forced so I started to feel guilty just asking for it. Throughout all of this time she told me to go find someone else. Now I roll my eyes at this for a few reasons: 1) I'm a guy, and while I don't consider myself ugly or unattractive by any means, I am not some blow-you-away type from the start, and 2) We were stationed at all these small bases, small communities - everyone knows everyone. Now I did try, carefully, to no avail.
So that's how it was for near a decade. We finally get stationed Stateside and she's at rock bottom with the sex drive. It's starting to cause problems. First she finally opens up to me that sex hurt...like extremely bad. I'm at the "WTF?? Why didn't you tell me???" stage, and I am feeling hurt, angry, and extremely GUILTY (to this day with the guilt). So since we're back in the States, the medical care we can get is far better (because we're not limited to military care). So she starts seeing a doctor and starts working on it. She still hurts so she goes back to the "find someone" thing. Well I kept trying and a few years later I actually did find someone.
That someone was also married, but separated. She just wanted a play partner. I just needed a play partner. It grew into something more, and my wife was perfectly accepting of it. Things were ok. My wife was working on her medical issue and I wasn't bugging her for sex. My void was full.
Well that girlfriend had to move further away. At the same time, I was being medically removed from the military due to some injuries, so I started to slip into a bad depression. I was also on testosterone replacement therapy at the time and the military stopped it due to prostate concerns. Meanwhile my wife was now powerlifting and had a personal trainer, dropping weight like nobody's business, and she saw her drive coming back. At one point she said her trainer was expressing a lot of interest in her sexually, so of course I was more than happy to say "By all means, explore!". He was very, very, very well endowed (much bigger than me, and that's not a problem at all...but it explains something). She didn't feel pain! It worked!
But then *I* started to lose my sex drive. The stress of being removed from the military and that depression, the uncertainty of my future or even my identity (I was in the military over 20 yrs) was pressing on me hard. So after my retirement, I became a "house husband". She still worked, I stayed retired...alone, in my head, sinking further.
I had suggested we finally check out the swingers club (now that I am not in the military, it's not a problem). She was on board. I figured getting and going out, being around like minded/care-free'ish people, a sexually charged environment would do us both good. It did - for her. Not for me. I was still sinking. So I did for her what she had done for me - I said "Go find someone". And she did. And it was working.
Now at first she was treating it like our past cuckold play. She would come home and want to tell me about it. I didn't want to hear about it. I wasn't in the mood. In fact after a few of her play dates I found myself in the opposite mood - sex was disgusting me. So I told her that by all means keep playing, be happy...but leave me out of it. I don't want to hear about it.
Now after that, she finally saw where I was. She started to push me to go to a men's clinic and get back on testosterone. I didn't want to. So for a few months I remained indifferent to her activities. Far as I was concerned, that was the best outcome. We still had a very loving, caring marriage at home and she was getting her sexual needs met elsewhere. Win-win.
Well between her and my now very long distance/haven't seen in a few years girlfriend that I still talked to - they both got on me to get on testosterone. So I went to the clinic, had second thoughts, my wife said "Just try it!", so I did. The shots have started working. By the fourth week, I noticed urges and erections and sexual thoughts. By week five...I was feeling like a full blown monster.
So I tell my wife about it, thinking she's been pushing for this so she's ready to go too - and she hits the brakes.
Seems her and her playmate became something I never imagined. She became a full on sub to him and he is her Dom. She had NEVER expressed that to me ever in the past as even an interest. She has a closet full of new outfits and toys and I am completely blown away. Now I am not angry, I said I didn't want to hear about it. That was my bed that I made.
Then I start hearing about all the shit they were doing. They'd go out to a vanilla bar or club, and he'd finger her inside the club. I would never have gotten away with that...she would have pulled away in a heartbeat. He gets her anally. WTF? She was 150% against anal throughout or entire relationship. Deep throat/face f***ing. Same thing. And then the tasks. He ordered her once to clean his room naked. She has never been naked outside of our bedroom or bathroom our entire marriage. She says "I'll never say no to him". GAH WHAT!?!?
So she sees my shock and we start talking through it. Then she hits me with the bricks. She could NEVER sub to me, we're equals and she doesn't fear me at all (part of this for her is the slight fear thrill she gets). I can never have her anally or get deep throat style blowjobs or make her do tasks or finger her in public because she only does that as a "sub". So with me being her "equal" that doesn't cause her any fear, I can be told no on whatever request she'll say yes to him for.
So to shorten this already too long background to lead to a question, here's what's happening:
1) My sex drive came back with a vengeance, but now because I told her to go have fun without me - she has developed new kinks and interests that she can't/won't share with me. She feels we can move forward with plain old vanilla sex.
2) She'll stop if I ask her to stop. We all know what will come of that on her end, and I know it won't change anything on my end. I don't see any benefit at all from this stopping. I can't unhear the stories. I can't unfeel what I felt (betrayed, hopeless, hurt). I just have to accept this is a piece of her that is fully hers and hers without me.
3) She's not in love with this guy. She is 100% sure he'll get bored with her and move on. I, however, don't really think any guy in his right mind would ever give something like this up. So if I don't push for it to stop, it will continue.
I guess the question is - how do I get past this? We're talking like mad, covering everything from start to today. My honest to goodness suggestion was I stop taking the shots, she goes back to not telling me what they do, and we move on with the rest of our happy marriage. No shots = no sex drive = no loss for me. She says she wants to have sex with me...but in the same breath she talks about how thrilling it is with HIM, and that all these thrilling things she won't do with ME. It almost feels like "Oh your drive is back (that I pushed for you to get back), well here's a bone/pity-fuck".
Am I wrong here?