dingedheart
Well-known member
Several months back I participated in a thread in which the couple had opened up a couple yrs prior but the wife had more or less remained mono or hadn’t really clicked with anyone. And now ( around the time of the husband writing the thread) she went a little crazy and in her ideal world would like to spend 3-4 days a week with her new partner. in the thread the husband described this as going from 0 to 100 in a short span of time.
Follow this with another recent thread about the conundrum of an established poly couple where the husband sort of breaking established tradition and asking or expecting to be granted the entire weekend vs the usual solo overnight or date night.
Then over the weekend I was cleaning the garage ....well actually I was asked if I could help see if there were ladies golf clubs and a boys mountain bike or parts to put together a decent bike.
OK also how does this all tie together under the banner of disentanglement?
My daughter just graduated college and is going to be living With her Bf. He has always been an avid golfer since a young boy. My daughter has had golf lessens and played rounds of golf over the yrs but never into it. Same could be said for tennis and some other sports. See where I’m going here.
They live in an a large urban area and the bike he owned was stolen. Here’s a young couple inventing ways to spend time together by playing a round or taking a ride to a park or whatever.
The reason I have ladies golf clubs in the garage is my wife thought she wanted to play with me or us as a family. She might have also wanted to be with the corporate big dogs or pretend at charity golf outing but the fact remains her golf clubs her bicycle her skis, an extra kayak was purchased and invested in to further entangle her into something she had minimal interest.
So is the term disentanglement as it applies to this topic honest? Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say it’s conditioning the reduction in time and access.
Or is it for established couples the practical release from activities that you really didn’t want to do but agreed to out of the lack of something better to do.
As we all know time is a zero sum game and as we go off and do new and different activities with our new partners should we consider how entangling those activities are ??
Also could you take disentanglement too far? Has anyone ?? Has anyone did something symbolic or otherwise that might have actually hurt the relationship?
No one ever brings that up. Or possible regrets. Which brings me another thread I recently participated in where a women got her husband to open there relationship because of a sexual slide in frequency and gusto on his part and NOW he’s remade himself a bit and found a hot young thing for himself and she has some regrets.
I asked many specific questions to gain clarity on that thread but they all went unanswered so we don’t know if better disentangling would have helped or maybe too much disentangling occurred. Clearly several member thought that disentangling their finances was going to be the key. I really have doubts about that but I hope she keeps us updated.
This concept and practice wasn’t floated when I became a member here seeking advice and help but I wonder if it had would it be smart and easier to stipulate as part of the disentangling process that either person needs to bother with whatever was “ the usual” when it comes to wedding anniversaries because in actuality the old marriage is dead. As a process wouldn’t it be healthier acknowledge that and move forward instead of looking backwards??
I know for myself it would have been freeing in a way because more than once I had to scrabble having slipped on the date. I think my mom called once said congratulations and what were our plans or something and asked what....” oh fuck “ pull the team together and get something done by 6pm so I don’t have to listen to that the rest of my life. ��
For AG and some of the newbies out there does this have merit ?? I think it does. I think it’s a really good first step and it’s just a conversation unless of course you have an actually wedding anniversary along the same timeline.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=133313&highlight=Disentangling
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=144983
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=144863
PS. I did set them up with a set of golf clubs and a nice mountain bike ....and I got some of the garage cleaned out and organized. Win win win ....but maybe not down the road
Follow this with another recent thread about the conundrum of an established poly couple where the husband sort of breaking established tradition and asking or expecting to be granted the entire weekend vs the usual solo overnight or date night.
Then over the weekend I was cleaning the garage ....well actually I was asked if I could help see if there were ladies golf clubs and a boys mountain bike or parts to put together a decent bike.
OK also how does this all tie together under the banner of disentanglement?
My daughter just graduated college and is going to be living With her Bf. He has always been an avid golfer since a young boy. My daughter has had golf lessens and played rounds of golf over the yrs but never into it. Same could be said for tennis and some other sports. See where I’m going here.
They live in an a large urban area and the bike he owned was stolen. Here’s a young couple inventing ways to spend time together by playing a round or taking a ride to a park or whatever.
The reason I have ladies golf clubs in the garage is my wife thought she wanted to play with me or us as a family. She might have also wanted to be with the corporate big dogs or pretend at charity golf outing but the fact remains her golf clubs her bicycle her skis, an extra kayak was purchased and invested in to further entangle her into something she had minimal interest.
So is the term disentanglement as it applies to this topic honest? Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say it’s conditioning the reduction in time and access.
Or is it for established couples the practical release from activities that you really didn’t want to do but agreed to out of the lack of something better to do.
As we all know time is a zero sum game and as we go off and do new and different activities with our new partners should we consider how entangling those activities are ??
Also could you take disentanglement too far? Has anyone ?? Has anyone did something symbolic or otherwise that might have actually hurt the relationship?
No one ever brings that up. Or possible regrets. Which brings me another thread I recently participated in where a women got her husband to open there relationship because of a sexual slide in frequency and gusto on his part and NOW he’s remade himself a bit and found a hot young thing for himself and she has some regrets.
I asked many specific questions to gain clarity on that thread but they all went unanswered so we don’t know if better disentangling would have helped or maybe too much disentangling occurred. Clearly several member thought that disentangling their finances was going to be the key. I really have doubts about that but I hope she keeps us updated.
This concept and practice wasn’t floated when I became a member here seeking advice and help but I wonder if it had would it be smart and easier to stipulate as part of the disentangling process that either person needs to bother with whatever was “ the usual” when it comes to wedding anniversaries because in actuality the old marriage is dead. As a process wouldn’t it be healthier acknowledge that and move forward instead of looking backwards??
I know for myself it would have been freeing in a way because more than once I had to scrabble having slipped on the date. I think my mom called once said congratulations and what were our plans or something and asked what....” oh fuck “ pull the team together and get something done by 6pm so I don’t have to listen to that the rest of my life. ��
For AG and some of the newbies out there does this have merit ?? I think it does. I think it’s a really good first step and it’s just a conversation unless of course you have an actually wedding anniversary along the same timeline.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=133313&highlight=Disentangling
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=144983
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=144863
PS. I did set them up with a set of golf clubs and a nice mountain bike ....and I got some of the garage cleaned out and organized. Win win win ....but maybe not down the road
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