Setting up dates for your partner

F

freeantigone

New member
Since deciding to actively explore poly after it sitting on the backburner for a year or two in various ways, my partner and I have encountered a problem.

We've decided that to start off on equal footing and make the transition as simple as we can, we will not be physical with other partners until both of us have found someone.

I (female) have found two possible partners so far, one is a friend who is happy to be a FWB; the other a poly guy who I met on OKC. My partner (male) hasn't found anyone yet, despite much searching ;)

Among our group of friends there are several women who have flirted with him (some quite intensely) in the past. Now, it may be that they don't know we're poly and thus aren't aware that he's available; it may be they're not confident making the first move; or it may be they're not interested.

My partner is somewhat cautious about contacting them nd doesn't really know how to go about it. This is where I came up with a plan :D

If I were to get talking to these women and suggest they go for a coffee with him/meet up with him in London when he 'happens' to be going/etc., providing I did it delicately enough for it not to sound odd, would it work?

Anyone had any experience of organising dates for your partner? Any tips?
 
This is all my personal opinion read warily

Honesty....

Here's the thing about polyamory...

It's about HONESTY and OPENNESS.

That's the key difference between poly and cheating.


The honesty and openness needs to start from day one in any new relationships (when reading "relationships" read ANY format of relationship, not just sexual).

That means that if you want to create a potential date with someone-you need to TELL THEM that you are doing so.

If you are looking to potentially add someone to your poly-dynamic;
tell them you are poly FIRST. They (just as much as you and your partner) deserve the respect, honesty, openness and forthrightness of knowing what it is that they are potentially getting into.

Especially someone new to the idea is going to have a lot of questions about what it is exactly that you are looking for.
A fuck buddy?
A friend with benefits?
(two concepts most people comprehend even if they've never heard of poly)

If you say you love me-what does that mean to me? Do I have to sleep with your wife then?
Do we all live together?
Do you spend the night with me 3 nights one week and 4 the next?
Does she come first all of the time or are we equal in some/all things?
Who has input about you potentially moving far away?
Do you want input in me moving far away?
Am I your "dirty little secret" and so I can't tell anyone I have a boyfriend?
Are we going to tell everyone we're dating?
Do we only date in public in the next town?
Am I expected to participate in family events?
Are you going to want to go to my brothers wedding as my date or your wife's date or both?
Can I call you/text you anytime or are there times I can't?
Do we use protection?
Do you want kids with her only or with both of us?
Do you care that I want 6 kids of my own?
Do you not want ANY kids?
Do you want kids and I don't want any kids?

You see?
These are the types of things that come up when you are getting to know someone that you MIGHT be interested in.... But, if you aren't honest and upfront about being serious in your primary relationship and if you aren't already on track with your SO about any of these things.... then problems arise in the dating scene....

;)
 
OK OK, I don't need a rant about poly ethics :rolleyes:

I was more referring to a slightly more sophisticated modus operandi than "hi, we're both poly, do you want to fuck my boyfriend"?

I'm a Brit, I just can't be that blunt!:D
 
freeantigone said:
OK OK, I don't need a rant about poly ethics :rolleyes:

I was more referring to a slightly more sophisticated modus operandi than "hi, we're both poly, do you want to fuck my boyfriend"?

I'm a Brit, I just can't be that blunt!:D
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There are a few out there that work like this. It really does depend on your relationship and how your friends take it. Not everyone is an active looker ;)

My wife, and this is more because she finds it funny, has been known to offer me up for sex in the past. In her own cute way that doesn't offend, but lets people know I am available. Bit of a tough balance because if you come across too rudely you will chase away friends ;)

I am an active looker, Pengrah is not. I am social make friends easily. I don't really want my partners setting up actual dates for me.

Some immediate downfalls. As with being a normal single person, being setup can create resentments.

Not to mention your first rule, if he doesn't click for example, could create resentment in you for wanting to become involved with your partners. But since you don't want any poly preaching I will leave that alone ;)
 
I actually set up my wife and her boyfriends first date. It was kinda fun for me, and they had a blast. It was kinda like a scavenger hunt for them, which helped them to learn more about each other, while spending time alone together....kinda. I required them to text me pics along the way. Part of the reason for this was so that I knew she was safe and ok. The other part was because this was the first time my wife had ben on a "date" with someone other than me.....and I had insecurities. ;) Soooo...Yeah. There you go. It worked extremely well for us. ;)
 
freeantigone said:
We've decided that to start off on equal footing and make the transition as simple as we can, we will not be physical with other partners until both of us have found someone.
Click to expand...

How does this make the transition simpler?
 
I'm with Ceoli. In my experience, trying to keep things "equal" between two partners in poly doesn't make things easier, but more complicated. I've usually found it's better to go slowly with the relationships that do develop and increase levels of communication and reassurance between everyone involved. It's very seldom that both partners in a primary pair will find exactly the same number of other partners at exactly the same time and at exactly the same level of intensity. I find that putting contingencies on relationships that are based on other people's relationships (eg. we can't do *this* until my partner has also done *this*) to be a far too clinical approach to relationships.

OTOH, being open to your primary partner finding people to date is a great way to help everyone get used to sharing. My suggestion (I know you're not asking for one but I'm offering anyway, heh) is that you agree not to be sexual with other partners until you're both comfortable with the idea, rather than both of you having someone to "do it with" at the same time.

As far as tips on setting up dates for your partner, this will probably work best if you try and find other poly women for him to date, because they won't be freaked out by you doing it. Are you talking about London, UK? If so, there is a BIG poly community for you to draw on, and speaking from experience as a poly woman, I always appreciate knowing my partner's wife/gf is willing and happy to share. Go to poly socials with him and be open to other women and see what happens.
 
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Ceoli said:
How does this make the transition simpler?
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I was wondering this too. If I waited for my husband to find a date, I would be no where and neither would my husband. Women find dates way more than the men. That's just how it seems to be.

When it ends for one of you, will the other have to end it? That would be heart breaking no? We have learned so much just by my finding love and other relationships. We have built family based on my relationships mostly.

I suggest doing some reading on here and get to know some people who have been in this for awhile. Not to say that what you are trying won't work, but it might help you foresee what could come up.

LR is a huge resource, she is very giving and wise. Please don't think she is preaching and spouting off about things she doesn't know first hand anything about. She writes from her heart and out of concern for others and out of excitment for their journey, much like most of us here. I hope you make use of that and share of yourself as much (either publically or in pm). That is what the foundation of poly is about for me anyway. And a lot of others on here.
 
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I second RP and Ceoli whole heartedly.

I will answer, in what I understand the context of your question to be:

Karma and I have intervened for the other, Because we are well known as a married couple. A lot of people don't have an issue with this, but some do. Some just won't take a step out of fear of rocking a boat. Karma and I have both approached eachothers interests in simply saying...

"I've noticed you and Mohegan really hit it off, and she really like the kiss the other night, I just wanted you to know I am completely okay with you guys seeing if there is something there. I'd love for you to date her, if that is your interest. Just wanted you to know, if that is step you are considering, you have my blessing, oh and in case you wondered, she's interested."

A lot of people are afraid of being percieved as a homewrecker, which is where I loved what LR posted about clarity and honesty. Karma and I discuss it all. Discuss if we want the other to say something. and respect eachothers wishes in that regard.

Best of luck to you!
 
LovingRadiance said:
You see?
These are the types of things that come up when you are getting to know someone that you MIGHT be interested in.... But, if you aren't honest and upfront about being serious in your primary relationship and if you aren't already on track with your SO about any of these things.... then problems arise in the dating scene....

;)
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I think most of those example questions are things that come up *after* getting to know someone and they have decided to pursue something more.

In terms of meeting up for a coffee date, honestly, I don't think it needs to be decided who gets to be the one to have kids or what the sleeping arrangements will be. It's just a coffee date. Just like any other date, a baseline of honesty- as in "This is who I am" "This is what I'm looking for" etc is really all that's needed.
 
TL4everu2 said:
I actually set up my wife and her boyfriends first date. It was kinda fun for me, and they had a blast. ... There you go. It worked extremely well for us. ;)
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I'm more proactive than my partner, so this idea appeals. Thanks for the info :)

@Ceoli, Geminigirl, RP: It's not that we plan to live our poly lives doing everything exactly at the same time e.g. "I did X, Y and Z with E on Saturday so you need to do X, Y and Z with your partner on Sunday". We don't want to be physical with other people until both of us have someone. Both my interested parties are aware that physical stuff is out of limits until S finds someone. After that we'll see how it goes, each relationship can grow and move at its own natural pace. If this means one breaks up and the other doesn't then that's fine.

@Geminigirl: Thanks for the advice. We're going to a Poly meetup next week so hopefully that'll be fun :)

@Mohegan I think this is how we are viewed too - we're such a strong unit. Your advice for what I could say to explain that I'm happy for people to see him is really useful & exactly what I was after, thankyou :) :)

@RP and LR
I'm sorry for snapping, I read it as being preached at. Thankyou for your advice and care.

Ceoli said:
I think most of those example questions are things that come up *after* getting to know someone and they have decided to pursue something more.

In terms of meeting up for a coffee date, honestly, I don't think it needs to be decided who gets to be the one to have kids or what the sleeping arrangements will be. It's just a coffee date. Just like any other date, a baseline of honesty- as in "This is who I am" "This is what I'm looking for" etc is really all that's needed.
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^My thoughts exactly. I personally wouldn't sit down to a casual coffee date and run through my lifeplans. You cover that stuff later.
 
Hm, interesting. Is poly new to you or is this how you have done it for awhile? Waiting until both of you have someone lined up that is? I just haven't heard of that working out before. I would think that the one who is dateless would feel bad about holding other back and the other would feel frustrated that their partner isn't getting the job done. Sometimes our mojo isn't working or we just don't feel like finding anyone, what then? Would you find one anyway, just out of obligaition? Would you not out of obligation? I would think that potential partners would be frustrated too and lose interest. What would the dateless partner feel about causing his love to lose out on a potentially good thing? Or how would you feel about that? What if your partner feels rushed and pushed by your getting dates for him?

What are you hoping to gain or what have you gained from waiting until you both have dates?

All very interesting to me.
Thanks for sharing! :)
 
freeantigone said:
@Ceoli, Geminigirl, RP: It's not that we plan to live our poly lives doing everything exactly at the same time e.g. "I did X, Y and Z with E on Saturday so you need to do X, Y and Z with your partner on Sunday". We don't want to be physical with other people until both of us have someone. Both my interested parties are aware that physical stuff is out of limits until S finds someone. After that we'll see how it goes, each relationship can grow and move at its own natural pace. If this means one breaks up and the other doesn't then that's fine.
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One of my partners always says that it's important to know the reasons behind setting up certain rules. I'm still not sure how waiting till both of you have someone before being physical another partner makes things simpler. What is the reasoning behind it?
 
The reason is that we can see how this feels (being with other people) simultaneously. We have negotiated this between us and are happy with it. You know, like consenting grown-ups ;)

We're both actively looking, so one of us giving up isn't an issue, and because we both negotiated and agreed to it there aren't any bad feelings.

It's about moving at the pace of the slowest person, (in this case my partner, although when things get physical it'll probably be me) and at the moment that means me not being physical with my other partners (who, I stress, know the situation and are fine with it) until S finds someone. That may take weeks, months or years, and so be it.

It might seem odd to you guys but we're doing this our way, and this is how we feel comfortable.
 
Hey Free,

I agree with several of the other posts. I can see where you are making an attempt to keep things fair and balanced from the beginning but it's pretty far removed from reality - at least the reality of everyone I/we know !

Also - please don't slough off LR's points she tried to offer. There's really a wealth of practical wisdom condensed there in a paragraph. That is all stuff that WILL eventually surface, so it's good to put some thought to it in advance. Failure to do exactly that causes endless crisis and heartache in many new poly explorers.

In general there's terrible imbalance in the gender problem (women available and willing to accept poly from a male or female lover). If I even speculated on the reasoning behind it I'd be tarred and feathered and run out on a rail here.
Nevertheless, it is what it is. The facts are incontrovertible.

I suggest you and your SO have a good, deep, long discussion on the reality of this. If you are bi and open to some form of triad arrangement it may increase his odds slightly. But ONLY slightly. Probably just best to go about his life as usual with an eye open for people he naturally connects with and hope for the best. Most great relationships start from a foundation of deep friendship and mutual respect. When those elements exist between people taking the next step up to a more intimate, loving relationship is considerably easier.

And from your side, being the female, although you will be 'in demand', many of those demands may be somewhat shallow and sexually driven. Guard your own heart-girl :) All that glitters at first is not gold and tarnishes quickly.

Be patient. Study.

GS
 
GroundedSpirit said:
And from your side, being the female, although you will be 'in demand', many of those demands may be somewhat shallow and sexually driven. Guard your own heart-girl :) All that glitters at first is not gold and tarnishes quickly.

Be patient. Study.

GS
Click to expand...

This is a great point. Thanks for adding this GS :)
 
freeantigone said:
We're both actively looking, so one of us giving up isn't an issue, and because we both negotiated and agreed to it there aren't any bad feelings.
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One of the things I'm learning is that bad feelings can't be managed with rules because feelings are not often rational.
For instance: I saw my other last night. I left the house knowing maybe, possibly, perhaps, my husband might end up seeing his interest that night but he was home when I left. They have not seen each other sexually in at least a month because of poor communication that caused a problem.
I came home to an empty house and was pretty sure where my husband was, but still feeling a bit petulant over it. It passed quickly as I had no rational reason to feel that way, but initially - I still felt bad.
My husband, as I said, ran into a problem with who he had been seeing while I have not had any issues with who I've been seeing. Me seeing or not seeing my interest had nothing to do with the issues he had dealt with. I could not make his issue go away by not seeing someone anymore than continuing to see someone would make his issue go away. My husband still had a moment of "grrrr, you're having fun and I'm not" despite knowing what he was dealing with was his own making. He knew the feeling was irrational, but he felt it anyway.

The point is, even if you two wait till you both have partners - you can't know what will come to pass. He might meet someone and it go really well for him while both of the interests you have burn out fast. Will you then ask him to stop seeing someone he gets along with well simply because your end of things didn't pan out the way you'd hoped? This can lead to resentment and bad feelings just as fast as you jumping in the pool before he even has his swim trunks on might cause.
 
I have said before that I would feel more comfortable getting involved with a new person if my husband already had someone else, but on the other hand, I'm not sure what I would feel if he was spending time with the other person and I DIDN'T have someone else. However, these are my issues and we do not have a "rule" about this. The only two "rules" we have are that we practice safe-sex and that we don't allow any drama from another relationship to affect ours in a de-constructive way.
 
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