Thank you for more info.
I could be totally wrong but to me this sounds like this is a patient relationship you have with him, with you in the caregiver role. Like you are both partner AND his caregiver. Which is tough.
Thanks for all the input everyone. The big thing is I really want to avoid using veto but my partner consistently ignores all my boundries with his gf. I have told both of them and especially him that I don't want to be involved. I don't want to know their problems, I don't want to be involved in them planning to get together, just tell me what city you will be in and what days. But he is always asking me what he should do when they are together and all these other things.
Veto is kind of useless anyway. He could just not do it though he agreed to a veto in the past. That said, you can still speak your mind.
If he's going to keep ignoring your requests to keep a separate V thing SEPARATE and keeps asking you? You can honestly tell him "If you are asking me what I would do in your shoes? I would break up with her because this is chronic drama." And then leave the ball in his court. If he asks you again? Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't let him suck you into the weird.
Alternately... if in his life you function as his patient caregiver who HAS to tell him what to do and guide him toward healthier choices? He says he can't deal with this but doesn't figure out how to get himself out? Then just tell him what to do point blank. "If you are not happy with this, you have to break up. To break up, write and email that says... Do you need help writing it?"
I don't think you can have it both ways. You have to assess what state your partner's mental health is in and decide if you are going to treat him like a stable person where you expect him to deal with his stuff himself.
Or like a patient your are responsible for and you have to arrange some things for him for him to function ok enough.
I'm not going to leave him. I know I'm primary in his life but he has a history of struggling with these things and is unfortunately currently without a therapist. Which is what makes this really difficult. His ex before me he kept in his life for years until we finally worked through it and he was able to let her go. She was physically and mentally abusive and controlled him. His therapist is an angel but she moved and isn't covered by his insurance. I'm hoping we can find him a new one soon.
I hope he can find a new therapist soon that his insurance will cover. In the meanwhile? You job as his other partner is NOT the role of "free therapist." Maintain stronger personal boundaries with him whether you are being "partner" or "caregiver" or "both." You cannot be wearing all three hats being his partner AND his caregiver AND his therapist. That's not healthy for you.
Part of it is also I'm a super strong individual emotionally. So he'll put her first emotionally because she is unstable.
If one of the problems is that BF takes you for granted because you are supposed to be "the strong one" and you don't get what you need from this relationship? Then you could do your soul searching on that.
It may be you want to keep on with him, but no longer live together so you get some space from him and so he has to do more of his choices himself over there where he lives. He can't be your second job. You might need more life balance so YOU can feel better.
And really I'm just upset he went to see her. She lives in a county that 1 in 20 people has covid and neither of them even stopped to think of those risks. Like seriously. No plan on her quarantining before, no plan for where he would quarantine after. Nothing. It wasn't until I mentioned the risks to me that it clicked with him. So now he is quarantining in a different part of the house while we wait test results.
Again... could do you soul searching on that. How much is he actually capable of doing on his own with his health issues? Or is you having to always be the "thinker" part of the price of admission here?
If one of the other problems is that you have to keep "reminding" him or "think ahead for him" or something and that grows tiresome? You prefer a partner who can think ahead of things on his own, be more considerate of you? You may have to reflect on that and how much you feel like doing or accepting here.
They are both people who struggle with mental health. When my partner and I got together he was a mess. But he worked his ass off to make major improvements. He got help. He got meds. He follows the treatment plan and does a lot to learn better ways to address issues. I'm very proud of him for that. It has not been easy but definitely worth it. A lot of it is possible because of me.
Which is why we call each other partner. We see our life as something we build together. He gives me motivation and drive to keep doing and chasing dreams. I give him stability and a foundation for him to follow his own dreams without falling apart.
You are there. You'd be the one to know. It's great you have helped him move forward from before. Yet that is the past.
How about the TODAY? What are you building together right now? What motivations and drive is he providing you lately to keep doing and chase your dreams? In his treatment plan, will there be a time where he can create his own stability? Are you busy being his "life raft" more than his "partner?"
You don't have to answer here. But you could think on it, and if you don't have one already, you might also think about a counselor for you. I only have to help care for my Dad to give Mom some breaks. It's not like my role is like my Mom who has to attend to him
as his spouse. It's a tough job when you are both the romantic partner AND the main caregiver.
Very stressy, and it can feel like your stuff is always on the back burner. And patient relationships can feel very one sided.
But because of his struggles he can't just leave a person. He has even stated several times that he can't handle her instability and he doesn't want to do it anymore. But then they both just pick it back up and keep going. It hurts me to watch it happen over and over again. That is really the reason I dislike her. We could be friends but I'm not cool with people who hurt my partner.
To me it sounds like your partner hurts his own self. If he says he cannot handle her instability and he doesn't want to do it any more, but then he keeps going back to the well?
In the short term? It might take you saying "Since you say you don't like it here with her? Rather than keeping taking her back and going for more? I think you could think about breaking up." I think you could just say it plain. He might not do it, but if he's a patient who is dependent on you to help him make choices?
You may have to just say it plain if you deal in a patient relationship like that.
Long term? I suggest he get a check up, get a new counselor, and work on his OWN mental health things so he can live life on his own two feet more. Insofar as his condition allows for him to enjoy independent living, being responsible for his own things? He could be doing that. He could could to make more good choices on his own. Rather than using you like a "life crutch" for ALL his things.
There's being a helper/caregiver. Where you take care of both you and the patient. You provide reasonable and rational assistance where needed. But you put your own oxygen mask on first.
Then there's being a caretaker/enabler. Where you put the patient ahead of all else, even your own well being and keep trying to fix their stuff for them.
Galagirl