I hate my meta

Tophatcat

New member
So I've been struggling with this for a while and I just dont know what to do. I hate my partner's gf with the passion of a thousand firey suns. Absolutely loathe her.

We had been friends but she kept mistreating my partner. We all went on vacation together, which was to somewhere on her bucket list. And within a few hours she wanted my partner to drive her back to the airport so she could fly home. They talked it out and she stayed. But moped the whole damn time and they kept needing space to talk. Ruined the trip. I'll die mad about it too.

She has a lot of mental health issues but I'm tired of the excuses. She will get upset at my partner then just block him from calling/text for a few days. Then pretend like it is okay and never talk about it. He had to cancel a weekend together because he got called in for a job. She almost broke up with him... because he went to work. They were scheduled for the very next weekend to go camping and she canceled that out of spite. Then she got upset they hadn't seen each other in so long and gave him shit about that too.

The long and short of it is that I hate her jerking him around like that. I hate her manipulating him. I hate she plays games with him and will put him in uncomfortable situations. It is at the point I banned her from the house because I don't want anything to do with her and I refuse to be made uncomfortable in my own home. Where did they meet up last time? At our house and he let her inside. I had to go find something to do when I had work to do at home.

I'm just not okay with them dating. He will leave her if I ask but I hate to ask. But I can't pretend to be supportive or even accepting of the relationship.

Tl;dr - i hate my partner's meta because she mistreats and manipulates him. No clue how to resolve it.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry this is happening.

FWIW, it sounds like this...

1) You live with your partner. He dates this woman who is a mental health patient who does/does not follow her treatment plan.

2) You dislike your meta behaviors a lot. All up and downy. You also dislike that your partner let's it all slide and keeps picking her out.

3) Yet you put most of the anger on her, rather than on partner for picking someone like this out in the first place. Or for his continuing to take her back even if she stomps off rather than letting it go.

4) Most recently you banned partner from having her at the house because you don't want anything to do with her and you refuse to be made uncomfortable in your own home. Where did they meet up last time? At your house and he let her inside. Rather than hold your partner accountable for this breech? You went to go find something to do when you had work to do at home. Result: Resentful feelings.

5) Even though your partner would leave her if you asked him to, you won't ask him do it. You'd rather sit around with nothing changing even though you hate it all.

Is that about it?

If so? I suggest you ask him to end it with her. The worst he does is says "Nope" and it's no different than it is now. Crappy.

But at least you know where things stand and you can make your next choices after that. You don't have to pretend to be supportive or even accepting of the relationship. You don't have to be there at all!

You staying-ness belongs to you. You can change you mind about staying in his poly network, esp if he goes around picking odd people to be with and his network ends up being all a mess.

While you cannot control who he picks out to be with? You CAN control whether or not you keep on picking him out. You could stop and just not pick him out any more. Your consent to participate in things belongs to you, and you can stop consenting to be here with him like this.

If he doesn't have the sense to come in out of the rain? You can exercise it. You can end it with him so you DON'T have to be watching this show any more. Then whether or not she continues to behave this way and he continues to accept it? Nothing to do with you any more.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Tophatcat,

I have to say, your meta sounds like an awful person. She pushes your partner around, and your partner lets her do it. For the record, the last time they met, and they met at your house? totally out of the question. I don't like that she came over to your house, but I like even less that he let her in. Next time he does that, I would give him a piece of your mind, and make him and her leave, you should not have to leave your own home. What a mean, awful person she is. What on earth does he see in her anyway? She must have some amazing attributes, to make it worth it to him to be treated that way. And she is using him as a means to treat you that way too. Honestly, if I were you, I would be thinking about breaking up with him, if he won't break up with her. That's my opinion anyway.

I just hope things get better for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Evie

Well-known member
Ugh, she sounds like a freaking nightmare! I totally get banning her from the house. I banned one of Adam's women friends from my house after some bad behaviour. However, Adam also saw how bad her behaviour was and has let the friendship wane. Sounds like your guy kinda needs to grow a pair and put better boundaries in place. Is he even close to doing this? I'm surprised he's letting her treat him this way with all these awful behaviours, or are they far enough apart that the good in between outweighs the bad?

That sucks that she ruined the trip for you and your guy. Honestly, he must have the patience of a saint, or perhaps some deep seated fear of loss thing to be putting up with her histrionics. Is he in counselling? Could they go to couples counselling to help her moderate her tanty behaviours with him? It's no way to live, really. On another thread recently, FallenAngelina wrote, "healthy relationships are easy and involve minimal drama," - bingo. Yet your meta brings drama in spectacular fashion repeatedly. Honestly, I'd be looking to make it clear that I wouldn't continue to participate and that if he can't respect that he needs to keep her out of your house (he can go to her place! Or a motel. Or anywhere else that's Covid safe.) then you'll need to do more to enforce your personal boundaries. If he's acting like he's got painted on ears, then get to a poly friendly couple's therapist yourselves.

Lastly, maybe he's venting to you about her a bit much. That whole tit for tat cancellation thingy and her whining that she hadn't seen him enough - I'm guessing you really only knew that because he told you. Perhaps put a boundary that you don't want to hear it when she's being a jerk. He needs someone else to complain to.

All the best with getting this situation to a total parallel poly place.
 

icesong

Active member
He obviously loves her and wants that relationship at least as much or more thwn he wants the one with you. So are you prepared to break up with him over it?
I don't know that that's obvious. Some people are not terribly good from extricating themselves from situations and feel obligated to continue once they're in a relationship at all, and so they end up being abused by partners - and frankly the meta's behavior sounds emotionally abusive to OP's partner.

Normally I'd say OP has a weak hinge problem - the thing about letting meta in the house even when OP had told her partner it was a hard limit is something that, if it happened in a relationship of mine, I'd be pretty unhappy with my partner for and consider it his fault, not the meta's. But the rest of the details really do paint a picture of an abusive relationship, to me.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I don't know that that's obvious. Some people are not terribly good from extricating themselves from situations and feel obligated to continue once they're in a relationship at all, and so they end up being abused by partners - and frankly the meta's behavior sounds emotionally abusive to OP's partner.

Normally I'd say OP has a weak hinge problem - the thing about letting meta in the house even when OP had told her partner it was a hard limit is something that, if it happened in a relationship of mine, I'd be pretty unhappy with my partner for and consider it his fault, not the meta's. But the rest of the details really do paint a picture of an abusive relationship, to me.

I've learned to be sceptical of 2nd hand accounts of abuse in forums. Basically any account of what is supposedly happening in other people's relationships causes doubt now.

For all we know, the metamour may have insisted on leaving that day due to toxic behavior of the OP and if they wrote their account here, we'd all be telling them to leave. In fact, I remember a story like that where everyone was away on vacation or something.

Maybe the husband took advice from a forum which assured him it is his house too and his partner, the light of his otherwise miserable life, can come in his home if he wants her to. We just don't know.
 

icesong

Active member
I've learned to be sceptical of 2nd hand accounts of abuse in forums. Basically any account of what is supposedly happening in other people's relationships causes doubt now.
Fair. That said, I can only give an opinion on the problem actually described.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
I rarely agree with seasoned, but on this one... While meta's behavior sounds awful, their partner is still choosing to stay in the relationship. Whether it's because they want to or because they've been browbeaten by the abuse, we can't say from a one sided, very clearly angry perspective.

Op, I wouldn't insist on a breakup. Vetoes just aren't healthy. I WOULD let partner know you don't think meta is a healthy partner and create personal boundaries. YOU are not comfortable with meta in your house. YOU will not be taking vacations with meta anymore. YOU will not be interacting with her at all anymore. YOU do not feel comfortable being a sounding board/giving advice regarding her anymore (could add until/unless she gets treatment for issues if you think you could handle that in the future).

You can control you. You can't control partner. If he stays with her and their issues continue to bleed into your relationship? You'll have to decide if it's worth it to stay with him.
 

Tophatcat

New member
Thanks for all the input everyone. The big thing is I really want to avoid using veto but my partner consistently ignores all my boundries with his gf. I have told both of them and especially him that I don't want to be involved. I don't want to know their problems, I don't want to be involved in them planning to get together, just tell me what city you will be in and what days. But he is always asking me what he should do when they are together and all these other things.

I'm not going to leave him. I know I'm primary in his life but he has a history of struggling with these things and is unfortunately currently without a therapist. Which is what makes this really difficult. His ex before me he kept in his life for years until we finally worked through it and he was able to let her go. She was physically and mentally abusive and controlled him. His therapist is an angel but she moved and isn't covered by his insurance. I'm hoping we can find him a new one soon.

As for the people wondering why she wanted to leave the vacation... it actually wasn't me. She has a lot of abusive people in her life that were manipulating her and telling her not to go and to just come home. Which is where most these problems come from. She is not in a good situation and that leads to a horrible cycle with my partner. So no. It wasn't anything I did.

Part of it is also I'm a super strong individual emotionally. So he'll put her first emotionally because she is unstable.

And really I'm just upset he went to see her. She lives in a county that 1 in 20 people has covid and neither of them even stopped to think of those risks. Like seriously. No plan on her quarantining before, no plan for where he would quarantine after. Nothing. It wasn't until I mentioned the risks to me that it clicked with him. So now he is quarantining in a different part of the house while we wait test results.

They are both people who struggle with mental health. When my partner and I got together he was a mess. But he worked his ass off to make major improvements. He got help. He got meds. He follows the treatment plan and does a lot to learn better ways to address issues. I'm very proud of him for that. It has not been easy but definitely worth it. A lot of it is possible because of me. Which is why we call each other partner. We see our life as something we build together. He gives me motivation and drive to keep doing and chasing dreams. I give him stability and a foundation for him to follow his own dreams without falling apart.

But because of his struggles he can't just leave a person. He has even stated several times that he can't handle her instability and he doesn't want to do it anymore. But then they both just pick it back up and keep going. It hurts me to watch it happen over and over again. That is really the reason I dislike her. We could be friends but I'm not cool with people who hurt my partner.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Thank you for more info.

I could be totally wrong but to me this sounds like this is a patient relationship you have with him, with you in the caregiver role. Like you are both partner AND his caregiver. Which is tough.

Thanks for all the input everyone. The big thing is I really want to avoid using veto but my partner consistently ignores all my boundries with his gf. I have told both of them and especially him that I don't want to be involved. I don't want to know their problems, I don't want to be involved in them planning to get together, just tell me what city you will be in and what days. But he is always asking me what he should do when they are together and all these other things.

Veto is kind of useless anyway. He could just not do it though he agreed to a veto in the past. That said, you can still speak your mind.

If he's going to keep ignoring your requests to keep a separate V thing SEPARATE and keeps asking you? You can honestly tell him "If you are asking me what I would do in your shoes? I would break up with her because this is chronic drama." And then leave the ball in his court. If he asks you again? Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't let him suck you into the weird.

Alternately... if in his life you function as his patient caregiver who HAS to tell him what to do and guide him toward healthier choices? He says he can't deal with this but doesn't figure out how to get himself out? Then just tell him what to do point blank. "If you are not happy with this, you have to break up. To break up, write and email that says... Do you need help writing it?"

I don't think you can have it both ways. You have to assess what state your partner's mental health is in and decide if you are going to treat him like a stable person where you expect him to deal with his stuff himself.

Or like a patient your are responsible for and you have to arrange some things for him for him to function ok enough.

I'm not going to leave him. I know I'm primary in his life but he has a history of struggling with these things and is unfortunately currently without a therapist. Which is what makes this really difficult. His ex before me he kept in his life for years until we finally worked through it and he was able to let her go. She was physically and mentally abusive and controlled him. His therapist is an angel but she moved and isn't covered by his insurance. I'm hoping we can find him a new one soon.

I hope he can find a new therapist soon that his insurance will cover. In the meanwhile? You job as his other partner is NOT the role of "free therapist." Maintain stronger personal boundaries with him whether you are being "partner" or "caregiver" or "both." You cannot be wearing all three hats being his partner AND his caregiver AND his therapist. That's not healthy for you.

Part of it is also I'm a super strong individual emotionally. So he'll put her first emotionally because she is unstable.

If one of the problems is that BF takes you for granted because you are supposed to be "the strong one" and you don't get what you need from this relationship? Then you could do your soul searching on that.

It may be you want to keep on with him, but no longer live together so you get some space from him and so he has to do more of his choices himself over there where he lives. He can't be your second job. You might need more life balance so YOU can feel better.

And really I'm just upset he went to see her. She lives in a county that 1 in 20 people has covid and neither of them even stopped to think of those risks. Like seriously. No plan on her quarantining before, no plan for where he would quarantine after. Nothing. It wasn't until I mentioned the risks to me that it clicked with him. So now he is quarantining in a different part of the house while we wait test results.

Again... could do you soul searching on that. How much is he actually capable of doing on his own with his health issues? Or is you having to always be the "thinker" part of the price of admission here?

If one of the other problems is that you have to keep "reminding" him or "think ahead for him" or something and that grows tiresome? You prefer a partner who can think ahead of things on his own, be more considerate of you? You may have to reflect on that and how much you feel like doing or accepting here.

They are both people who struggle with mental health. When my partner and I got together he was a mess. But he worked his ass off to make major improvements. He got help. He got meds. He follows the treatment plan and does a lot to learn better ways to address issues. I'm very proud of him for that. It has not been easy but definitely worth it. A lot of it is possible because of me.

Which is why we call each other partner. We see our life as something we build together. He gives me motivation and drive to keep doing and chasing dreams. I give him stability and a foundation for him to follow his own dreams without falling apart.

You are there. You'd be the one to know. It's great you have helped him move forward from before. Yet that is the past.

How about the TODAY? What are you building together right now? What motivations and drive is he providing you lately to keep doing and chase your dreams? In his treatment plan, will there be a time where he can create his own stability? Are you busy being his "life raft" more than his "partner?"

You don't have to answer here. But you could think on it, and if you don't have one already, you might also think about a counselor for you. I only have to help care for my Dad to give Mom some breaks. It's not like my role is like my Mom who has to attend to him as his spouse. It's a tough job when you are both the romantic partner AND the main caregiver.

Very stressy, and it can feel like your stuff is always on the back burner. And patient relationships can feel very one sided.

But because of his struggles he can't just leave a person. He has even stated several times that he can't handle her instability and he doesn't want to do it anymore. But then they both just pick it back up and keep going. It hurts me to watch it happen over and over again. That is really the reason I dislike her. We could be friends but I'm not cool with people who hurt my partner.

To me it sounds like your partner hurts his own self. If he says he cannot handle her instability and he doesn't want to do it any more, but then he keeps going back to the well?

In the short term? It might take you saying "Since you say you don't like it here with her? Rather than keeping taking her back and going for more? I think you could think about breaking up." I think you could just say it plain. He might not do it, but if he's a patient who is dependent on you to help him make choices? You may have to just say it plain if you deal in a patient relationship like that.

Long term? I suggest he get a check up, get a new counselor, and work on his OWN mental health things so he can live life on his own two feet more. Insofar as his condition allows for him to enjoy independent living, being responsible for his own things? He could be doing that. He could could to make more good choices on his own. Rather than using you like a "life crutch" for ALL his things.

There's being a helper/caregiver. Where you take care of both you and the patient. You provide reasonable and rational assistance where needed. But you put your own oxygen mask on first.

Then there's being a caretaker/enabler. Where you put the patient ahead of all else, even your own well being and keep trying to fix their stuff for them.

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
It's easier to blame a metamour for our problems, rather than blaming our partner.

This is not a metamour problem. You have a problem with your PARTNER. And more deeply, you yourself have problems. You are addicted to being a "White Knight."

White knights are men and women who enter into romantic relationships with damaged and vulnerable partners, hoping that love will transform their partner's behavior or life. Though most white knights feel that they are selfless and sacrificing, their rescuing behavior is often misguided. Problems arise when white knights care for their partners at the expense of their own needs, encounter destructive behavior, or try to control their partners.
 

ref2018

Member
It's easier to blame a metamour for our problems, rather than blaming our partner.

This is not a metamour problem. You have a problem with your PARTNER.

I was going to write this, now I don't have to I just wanted to add that the reason he won't break up with her unless you veto the relationship is so he doesn't have to take responsibility, and can say "my wife made me do it". Then you look like the bad guy, and his GF becomes a victim of the dreaded "couple privilege".
 

AlwaysGrowing

Active member
YOU are responsible for maintaining your own boundaries though. Don't want to hear about their relationship? Leave the room every time he mentions it. Partner is the one disrespecting your boundaries and ignoring your needs in the relationship. Partner is the one allowing his other partner to disrespect you and affect your relationship with partner. Meta has no obligation to you so while her behavior sucks, it is your partner's fault for letting it get to you after you've made it clear that you don't want to deal with it/her.
 

Marcus

Active member
Thanks for all the input everyone. The big thing is I really want to avoid using veto but my partner consistently ignores all my boundries with his gf. I have told both of them and especially him that I don't want to be involved. I don't want to know their problems, I don't want to be involved in them planning to get together, just tell me what city you will be in and what days. But he is always asking me what he should do when they are together and all these other things.

I don't believe in metamour problems, nor do I think the concept of strong or weak hinge is particularly helpful when talking about relationships between adults. I think you are describing is a problem with boundaries, both enforcing and respecting.

It is critical to good boundary setting to understand how important the boundary is, and to what lengths you will go to uphold it. If it's something that you will bend on, it's not a very firm boundary, and is more of a request. If the boundary is set to prevent something that is a genuine interference to your ability to flourish as a human, that is something that shouldn't be treated with the same flexibility as one that doesn't matter much.

The other part is to know how important the boundary is, how likely you are to flex on it. This is essentially like setting ground rules on a contract, you note what the agreement is, what a breach of the contract looks like, and what the consequences are for breaching that contract. That's all pretty formal and I certainly don't approach it that clinically, but I try to be very clear about my boundaries if I expect others to respect them.

Your boundary sounds like it might be described as: "This person makes me genuinely crazy, and I am simply not willing to have them in my life. They are not welcome where I live, and I will not entertain hearing details of your issues with this person"​
The criticality of the boundary might be described as: "I know that this creates some inconvenience, and it could even require that we change our living situation or other details, but I need to let you know that this is not flexible, and I will not entertain requests to disregard this boundary"​

At this point the two of you can discuss if changes need to be made to afford the boundary room to be respected, and whether or not they are fully on board with respecting your boundary. If they don't respect your boundary, which it sounds like they are making a habit of, you need to decide what you are going to do about it. At this point it stops being about your partner and their partner, and comes down to "how much do you value your own boundaries?".
 
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