Rickmanger
Member
https://polyamory.com/threads/the-u...ld-friend-suddenly-isnt-just-a-friend.153630/ (The source of all of this).
It's been 6 months since I posted that - 6 wonderful and amazing months full of dates and great times with Kayla, doubles with her husband Joe and his GF Samantha, and overall amazing times. We're still sticking with DADT for my wife May, but everything there is still stable and happy as well (and her BF and her are getting closer as well).
And then last week, Kayla dropped a bit of a bombshell on me. She's met a couple of new friends at her work (married couple, we'll call them J and H), and her and I have been hanging out with them a little bit at a local place where Kayla works. A week and change ago, she let me know out of the blue that she'd come out of the closet with them (all of us have been in the poly closet due to family reactions/potential work impacts/etc, which especially drives Samantha a bit nuts). She told them she was married, I was her boyfriend, she's in a poly relationship, etc. She needed someone to talk to that wasn't me about all of this, since we're all ~in~ the relationship - and all of her friends have either moved away or are not folks she could talk to about this.
My first reaction was of course being a little startled, but so far I really like J and H, so I'm ok with them knowing as friends - she seems to want to have some friends that know us as a "couple", instead of "Kayla and Rick are dating, but they're both married to someone different." All right, I can... understand that, although it feels weird at first - especially as she doesn't seem to want to introduce her husband or his GF to them (since they're now "our" friends). We start planning some things and some double dates - lots of shared interests there, so cool - we can totally hang. LOTS in common in fact.
The following week she dropped a second bombshell - she's very much attracted to both J and H, and if the opportunity arose, would very much like to sleep with both of them (although she did clarify that she thinks she's looking more for a fling than an additional relationship). This... was a startle even more to me. We've all been very happy with how the polycue has formed so far, and I'm not sure how anyone involved would take the idea of opening it up farther (especially Bryan, her husband). More so with the idea of flings or the like too, which wasn't quite what Bryan intended when he started all of this way back when.
I'm not sure how to take the first bombshell now - was that honestly seeking friends, or "setting up" the second thing? (She's a social butterfly, so she gloms hard onto new friends pretty hard for a bit).
Secondly, we have NO idea if J/H are even into non-monogamous relationships. Everything I've picked up is that they're liberal (as those things go), but really looking for some friends (they moved here in the middle of the pandemic - hard to find friends when you're locked up inside, and one of them even caught Covid). How... does one even ask about that, to figure out what they're thinking? Is it extremely weird to say at some point "Hey, we introduced ourselves as poly and together... just to avoid any embarrassing or awkward moments, are you all just looking for friends, or something potentially more?"
We had an amazingly good date yesterday where she brought up hanging out with them and everything, but also made it VERY clear that she was very much not planning on getting rid of me or moving on. Right now we're planning to meet up for some drinks in a few weeks, and then have a movie night planned a ways out after that - and I'm looking forward to hanging with them, but still a bit weirded out by the idea of things suddenly becoming a "her seeing both people at the same time" unexpectedly (when her husband+gf hang out with us, it's very much two couples - bryan/samantha and me/kayla).. So, is THAT more normal, or is a fully mixed "you're flirting/playing with both people at the same time" a bit more normal? IS there a normal?
How do I express that "hey, I don't necessarily have an issue with you dating J/H, if that's what happens and they're ok with that (and if Kayla's husband is ok with that), but... I may not be comfortable if every time we hang with them it's a date for you with them, and I'm just along for the ride" - or something like that.
Just feeling a bit... uncentered, I think - since this came up out of no where. We literally met these people 3 weeks ago, and this seems to be moving fast - although there's also no sign that it's anything other than FRIENDS too... more people are monogamous than not. Gah!
It's been 6 months since I posted that - 6 wonderful and amazing months full of dates and great times with Kayla, doubles with her husband Joe and his GF Samantha, and overall amazing times. We're still sticking with DADT for my wife May, but everything there is still stable and happy as well (and her BF and her are getting closer as well).
And then last week, Kayla dropped a bit of a bombshell on me. She's met a couple of new friends at her work (married couple, we'll call them J and H), and her and I have been hanging out with them a little bit at a local place where Kayla works. A week and change ago, she let me know out of the blue that she'd come out of the closet with them (all of us have been in the poly closet due to family reactions/potential work impacts/etc, which especially drives Samantha a bit nuts). She told them she was married, I was her boyfriend, she's in a poly relationship, etc. She needed someone to talk to that wasn't me about all of this, since we're all ~in~ the relationship - and all of her friends have either moved away or are not folks she could talk to about this.
My first reaction was of course being a little startled, but so far I really like J and H, so I'm ok with them knowing as friends - she seems to want to have some friends that know us as a "couple", instead of "Kayla and Rick are dating, but they're both married to someone different." All right, I can... understand that, although it feels weird at first - especially as she doesn't seem to want to introduce her husband or his GF to them (since they're now "our" friends). We start planning some things and some double dates - lots of shared interests there, so cool - we can totally hang. LOTS in common in fact.
The following week she dropped a second bombshell - she's very much attracted to both J and H, and if the opportunity arose, would very much like to sleep with both of them (although she did clarify that she thinks she's looking more for a fling than an additional relationship). This... was a startle even more to me. We've all been very happy with how the polycue has formed so far, and I'm not sure how anyone involved would take the idea of opening it up farther (especially Bryan, her husband). More so with the idea of flings or the like too, which wasn't quite what Bryan intended when he started all of this way back when.
I'm not sure how to take the first bombshell now - was that honestly seeking friends, or "setting up" the second thing? (She's a social butterfly, so she gloms hard onto new friends pretty hard for a bit).
Secondly, we have NO idea if J/H are even into non-monogamous relationships. Everything I've picked up is that they're liberal (as those things go), but really looking for some friends (they moved here in the middle of the pandemic - hard to find friends when you're locked up inside, and one of them even caught Covid). How... does one even ask about that, to figure out what they're thinking? Is it extremely weird to say at some point "Hey, we introduced ourselves as poly and together... just to avoid any embarrassing or awkward moments, are you all just looking for friends, or something potentially more?"
We had an amazingly good date yesterday where she brought up hanging out with them and everything, but also made it VERY clear that she was very much not planning on getting rid of me or moving on. Right now we're planning to meet up for some drinks in a few weeks, and then have a movie night planned a ways out after that - and I'm looking forward to hanging with them, but still a bit weirded out by the idea of things suddenly becoming a "her seeing both people at the same time" unexpectedly (when her husband+gf hang out with us, it's very much two couples - bryan/samantha and me/kayla).. So, is THAT more normal, or is a fully mixed "you're flirting/playing with both people at the same time" a bit more normal? IS there a normal?
How do I express that "hey, I don't necessarily have an issue with you dating J/H, if that's what happens and they're ok with that (and if Kayla's husband is ok with that), but... I may not be comfortable if every time we hang with them it's a date for you with them, and I'm just along for the ride" - or something like that.
Just feeling a bit... uncentered, I think - since this came up out of no where. We literally met these people 3 weeks ago, and this seems to be moving fast - although there's also no sign that it's anything other than FRIENDS too... more people are monogamous than not. Gah!