I am new here and looking for advice from people living this lifestyle. I obviously can’t go to any family for advice and I have 0 true friends so here I am to see what other unbiased people think about this situation. Sorry this is so long.
As a background on my husband and I... we have been married for 6 years, own several businesses, and have 4 kids. We are well off financially. We met in college and since then have been non-stop working to build up our businesses. We have... had? Big dreams in college to go far in life and since then it’s been 24/7 no breaks working while I was pregnant or caring for a newborn the whole time. In the beginning of our marriage I have always felt like I never got quality time with my husband as he was always working. I spent the first 4 years pretty isolated and alone with very young children. Him working 80+ hours and me working 60+. My husband does love me and when we were working for someone else he would show too much PDA in my opinion. About 2 years ago I told him no more PDA at work and that absolutely crushed him. He told me not to take that away from him because he “needed” it. I told him to just come home and we can have more intimate family time but work was just not the place for it. It seems like he was showing me PDA for attention because he would do it in front of other employees and enjoy the reaction he would get from that. He would come home but not really be loving towards me. Since then he started talking with other coworkers. Forming friendship with much younger female coworkers.
This sparked a lot of cheating rumors within the business and it was pretty terrible. It even got to our bosses that he was sleeping with 3-4 different coworkers (not true but he was flirting ). he also admitted to me that he really does want a relationship with someone else because he not getting any excitement from me. He’s looking for something new and exciting. Cue to toxic, semi abusive relationship that ours turned into.
At that point we decided to branch off and start our own business about 1.5 years ago which since then has been very successful but required 24/7 work from him. It was just too toxic working together and he was done working for other people. I stayed at our previous employer for a year to support the family while he built the business. He and the office manager became really close during that time and he bought her lots of nice things, took her to all fancy business meetings, paid for literally everything for her and even let her move into our house. They also did everything together like grocery shopping etc. I fought it tooth and nail which only created more of a rift in our relationship. We went down the divorce path several times but in essence it would destroy our whole family, our business + the 60 employees working for us. We separated but still legally married for 4 ish months. Since then him and the office manager had a falling out (not sure why) and he is now messaging another 20 year old employee. The office manager was sent to one of our new branches and replaced with another manager who he also buys a lot of things for (new phone, plane tickets, etc but she is married with kids so probably nothing will come of that) He tries really hard to hide all this from me but I know. It’s so obvious. He wants to make our relationship work but when we’re together he’s always on his phone messaging someone else and tilting his phone away so I can’t see it. I called him out on it and told him that I don’t care what he is doing but I just don’t want to get my heart broken again. It’s so painful having to go through this for 2 years and never being happy. I went through a stage of seriously hating him and that helped me not care as much what he did or who he was talking to. Recently we have both decided to give our relationship another try and he will finally put in effort to spend quality time with me.
He told me that he wants to have a loving relationship with me but he also wants to seek out other relationships. This would be sexual and emotional. He says that I will always come first but he just will not be happy in relationship with only one person.
So I told him that I would be ok with him seeing other people. Am I really? Probably not. But what is my alternative? Divorce? Separation? That’s not going to make me any happier. At this point fuck happiness I just don’t want to be miserable. So I told him yes he can go see other people. He has been happier then I have ever seen him since I told him this. He says he has never had a sexual relationship with anyone outside our marriage. In my opinion he has had several emotional relationships but he denies that too. He came home the other night and we had a really nice evening but at the end he was checking his damn phone again messaging people. This immediately brought up feelings of resentment and hate ( which I think is a defense for me because I get so hurt) Why am I not enough? It is just heart breaking even though I told him it was ok. He also says that I should see other people but I really have no desire to do that. I’m just so torn and conflicted.
At this point as well I am working less hours, have more time off, have nanny’s everyday for the kids. So it looks like I have it “easy” but I’m just sad. Maybe I will get used to the idea of him being in other relationships and I’ll just get over it. I have no other friends. If I were to enter another relationship with someone idk where I would even start. I don’t do much outside of work except see my family occasionally. 0 friends 0 hobbies. I just spend time with my kids in my free time and I’m very introverted. So what normal person would want to date me after having 4 kids my body is not the same as it was though I’m not overweight I have issues with my appearance especially my stomach. So plastic surgery? Then maybe someone would be interested in me?
so what do people think? Is this something that can work and that I can actually be “happy” with? Or am I doomed to a life of just putting up with it and being miserable and heart broken so that everyone else can be happy? Right now it seems like the only unhappy person is me. And is it worth ripping our family apart for something just becuase I’m not happy. 5 people’s happy lives vs just my 1 life.
As a background on my husband and I... we have been married for 6 years, own several businesses, and have 4 kids. We are well off financially. We met in college and since then have been non-stop working to build up our businesses. We have... had? Big dreams in college to go far in life and since then it’s been 24/7 no breaks working while I was pregnant or caring for a newborn the whole time. In the beginning of our marriage I have always felt like I never got quality time with my husband as he was always working. I spent the first 4 years pretty isolated and alone with very young children. Him working 80+ hours and me working 60+. My husband does love me and when we were working for someone else he would show too much PDA in my opinion. About 2 years ago I told him no more PDA at work and that absolutely crushed him. He told me not to take that away from him because he “needed” it. I told him to just come home and we can have more intimate family time but work was just not the place for it. It seems like he was showing me PDA for attention because he would do it in front of other employees and enjoy the reaction he would get from that. He would come home but not really be loving towards me. Since then he started talking with other coworkers. Forming friendship with much younger female coworkers.
This sparked a lot of cheating rumors within the business and it was pretty terrible. It even got to our bosses that he was sleeping with 3-4 different coworkers (not true but he was flirting ). he also admitted to me that he really does want a relationship with someone else because he not getting any excitement from me. He’s looking for something new and exciting. Cue to toxic, semi abusive relationship that ours turned into.
At that point we decided to branch off and start our own business about 1.5 years ago which since then has been very successful but required 24/7 work from him. It was just too toxic working together and he was done working for other people. I stayed at our previous employer for a year to support the family while he built the business. He and the office manager became really close during that time and he bought her lots of nice things, took her to all fancy business meetings, paid for literally everything for her and even let her move into our house. They also did everything together like grocery shopping etc. I fought it tooth and nail which only created more of a rift in our relationship. We went down the divorce path several times but in essence it would destroy our whole family, our business + the 60 employees working for us. We separated but still legally married for 4 ish months. Since then him and the office manager had a falling out (not sure why) and he is now messaging another 20 year old employee. The office manager was sent to one of our new branches and replaced with another manager who he also buys a lot of things for (new phone, plane tickets, etc but she is married with kids so probably nothing will come of that) He tries really hard to hide all this from me but I know. It’s so obvious. He wants to make our relationship work but when we’re together he’s always on his phone messaging someone else and tilting his phone away so I can’t see it. I called him out on it and told him that I don’t care what he is doing but I just don’t want to get my heart broken again. It’s so painful having to go through this for 2 years and never being happy. I went through a stage of seriously hating him and that helped me not care as much what he did or who he was talking to. Recently we have both decided to give our relationship another try and he will finally put in effort to spend quality time with me.
He told me that he wants to have a loving relationship with me but he also wants to seek out other relationships. This would be sexual and emotional. He says that I will always come first but he just will not be happy in relationship with only one person.
So I told him that I would be ok with him seeing other people. Am I really? Probably not. But what is my alternative? Divorce? Separation? That’s not going to make me any happier. At this point fuck happiness I just don’t want to be miserable. So I told him yes he can go see other people. He has been happier then I have ever seen him since I told him this. He says he has never had a sexual relationship with anyone outside our marriage. In my opinion he has had several emotional relationships but he denies that too. He came home the other night and we had a really nice evening but at the end he was checking his damn phone again messaging people. This immediately brought up feelings of resentment and hate ( which I think is a defense for me because I get so hurt) Why am I not enough? It is just heart breaking even though I told him it was ok. He also says that I should see other people but I really have no desire to do that. I’m just so torn and conflicted.
At this point as well I am working less hours, have more time off, have nanny’s everyday for the kids. So it looks like I have it “easy” but I’m just sad. Maybe I will get used to the idea of him being in other relationships and I’ll just get over it. I have no other friends. If I were to enter another relationship with someone idk where I would even start. I don’t do much outside of work except see my family occasionally. 0 friends 0 hobbies. I just spend time with my kids in my free time and I’m very introverted. So what normal person would want to date me after having 4 kids my body is not the same as it was though I’m not overweight I have issues with my appearance especially my stomach. So plastic surgery? Then maybe someone would be interested in me?
so what do people think? Is this something that can work and that I can actually be “happy” with? Or am I doomed to a life of just putting up with it and being miserable and heart broken so that everyone else can be happy? Right now it seems like the only unhappy person is me. And is it worth ripping our family apart for something just becuase I’m not happy. 5 people’s happy lives vs just my 1 life.