Needing help to be ok with open relationship

Tigers12

New member
I am new here and looking for advice from people living this lifestyle. I obviously can’t go to any family for advice and I have 0 true friends so here I am to see what other unbiased people think about this situation. Sorry this is so long.

As a background on my husband and I... we have been married for 6 years, own several businesses, and have 4 kids. We are well off financially. We met in college and since then have been non-stop working to build up our businesses. We have... had? Big dreams in college to go far in life and since then it’s been 24/7 no breaks working while I was pregnant or caring for a newborn the whole time. In the beginning of our marriage I have always felt like I never got quality time with my husband as he was always working. I spent the first 4 years pretty isolated and alone with very young children. Him working 80+ hours and me working 60+. My husband does love me and when we were working for someone else he would show too much PDA in my opinion. About 2 years ago I told him no more PDA at work and that absolutely crushed him. He told me not to take that away from him because he “needed” it. I told him to just come home and we can have more intimate family time but work was just not the place for it. It seems like he was showing me PDA for attention because he would do it in front of other employees and enjoy the reaction he would get from that. He would come home but not really be loving towards me. Since then he started talking with other coworkers. Forming friendship with much younger female coworkers.

This sparked a lot of cheating rumors within the business and it was pretty terrible. It even got to our bosses that he was sleeping with 3-4 different coworkers (not true but he was flirting ). he also admitted to me that he really does want a relationship with someone else because he not getting any excitement from me. He’s looking for something new and exciting. Cue to toxic, semi abusive relationship that ours turned into.

At that point we decided to branch off and start our own business about 1.5 years ago which since then has been very successful but required 24/7 work from him. It was just too toxic working together and he was done working for other people. I stayed at our previous employer for a year to support the family while he built the business. He and the office manager became really close during that time and he bought her lots of nice things, took her to all fancy business meetings, paid for literally everything for her and even let her move into our house. They also did everything together like grocery shopping etc. I fought it tooth and nail which only created more of a rift in our relationship. We went down the divorce path several times but in essence it would destroy our whole family, our business + the 60 employees working for us. We separated but still legally married for 4 ish months. Since then him and the office manager had a falling out (not sure why) and he is now messaging another 20 year old employee. The office manager was sent to one of our new branches and replaced with another manager who he also buys a lot of things for (new phone, plane tickets, etc but she is married with kids so probably nothing will come of that) He tries really hard to hide all this from me but I know. It’s so obvious. He wants to make our relationship work but when we’re together he’s always on his phone messaging someone else and tilting his phone away so I can’t see it. I called him out on it and told him that I don’t care what he is doing but I just don’t want to get my heart broken again. It’s so painful having to go through this for 2 years and never being happy. I went through a stage of seriously hating him and that helped me not care as much what he did or who he was talking to. Recently we have both decided to give our relationship another try and he will finally put in effort to spend quality time with me.

He told me that he wants to have a loving relationship with me but he also wants to seek out other relationships. This would be sexual and emotional. He says that I will always come first but he just will not be happy in relationship with only one person.

So I told him that I would be ok with him seeing other people. Am I really? Probably not. But what is my alternative? Divorce? Separation? That’s not going to make me any happier. At this point fuck happiness I just don’t want to be miserable. So I told him yes he can go see other people. He has been happier then I have ever seen him since I told him this. He says he has never had a sexual relationship with anyone outside our marriage. In my opinion he has had several emotional relationships but he denies that too. He came home the other night and we had a really nice evening but at the end he was checking his damn phone again messaging people. This immediately brought up feelings of resentment and hate ( which I think is a defense for me because I get so hurt) Why am I not enough? It is just heart breaking even though I told him it was ok. He also says that I should see other people but I really have no desire to do that. I’m just so torn and conflicted.

At this point as well I am working less hours, have more time off, have nanny’s everyday for the kids. So it looks like I have it “easy” but I’m just sad. Maybe I will get used to the idea of him being in other relationships and I’ll just get over it. I have no other friends. If I were to enter another relationship with someone idk where I would even start. I don’t do much outside of work except see my family occasionally. 0 friends 0 hobbies. I just spend time with my kids in my free time and I’m very introverted. So what normal person would want to date me after having 4 kids my body is not the same as it was though I’m not overweight I have issues with my appearance especially my stomach. So plastic surgery? Then maybe someone would be interested in me?

so what do people think? Is this something that can work and that I can actually be “happy” with? Or am I doomed to a life of just putting up with it and being miserable and heart broken so that everyone else can be happy? Right now it seems like the only unhappy person is me. And is it worth ripping our family apart for something just becuase I’m not happy. 5 people’s happy lives vs just my 1 life.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel a little better for the vent.

I'm so very sorry you are in so much pain. :(

FWIW? These things stuck out to me...

Cue to toxic, semi abusive relationship that ours turned into.

If this relationship has been toxic and semi abusive? I'd be done right there. I'd bow out and be done. I'd look into making a safety plan if I was worried about domestic violence.


Putting up with it for several years already is plenty. And if he was just phoning it in with me over those years? Him suddenly deciding to invest NOW wouldn't really interest me. I'd be in the "too little, too late" place. Esp if I didn't want my heart broken again.

Other stuff you mentioned?

You were already on the divorce path and separated for 4 mos? He moved some woman into the house over your objections and now she's out again? He's chasing after some new 20 yr old? He denies having emotional affairs? He's not really putting energy into your relationship when involved with other people? He's not really present when he's so attached to his phone courting other people? You life right now is basically painful?

Seems like it would be more peaceful and less annoying to just live on your own and skip dealing with all this stuff hanging over your head.

I could be wrong. But this does not sound like "joyful yes" consent to doing open/poly. It sounds like "I'm so sad and depressed I'm giving up on my life ever getting better."

If you need extra help or support, are you able to get to professional counseling?

I went through a stage of seriously hating him and that helped me not care as much what he did or who he was talking to. Recently we have both decided to give our relationship another try and he will finally put in effort to spend quality time with me.

If I hated someone and didn't care what they did? I'd just finish breaking up. Rather than try again.

So I told him that I would be ok with him seeing other people. Am I really? Probably not.

I feel sad that you don't feel like you can be honest just tell him "No, I'm not ok with you seeing other people." Though if this relationship has been toxic and abusive, I can understand just not saying anything and trying to "check out" or "going numb" or "not caring any more" to spare yourself more pain.

But what is my alternative? Divorce? Separation? That’s not going to make me any happier. At this point fuck happiness I just don’t want to be miserable.

When all the choices stink? You could pick the least stinky.

You don't sound like you really want to be in an open relationship. You just want to stop being in pain. And sticking with him right now sounds like "more of same" to me. Which has already been painful to you. So I would not sign up for that again.

While divorce and separation? That comes with some pain too because no break up is ever FUN. But it also comes with a firm ending and getting to be free from all this. A place where there is no more pain. Rather than endless merry-go-round.

Stepping off into the unknown might be scary... but it gives you a chance to be free and to do something different. I'd pick that one in these shoes.

At this point as well I am working less hours, have more time off, have nanny’s everyday for the kids. So it looks like I have it “easy” but I’m just sad. Maybe I will get used to the idea of him being in other relationships and I’ll just get over it. I have no other friends. If I were to enter another relationship with someone idk where I would even start. I don’t do much outside of work except see my family occasionally. 0 friends 0 hobbies. I just spend time with my kids in my free time and I’m very introverted. So what normal person would want to date me after having 4 kids my body is not the same as it was though I’m not overweight I have issues with my appearance especially my stomach. So plastic surgery? Then maybe someone would be interested in me?

All that speaks to not having a good work-life balance. Which I get when you were in the early years trying to build a business. Work taking all the attention along with the kids. But eventually kids grow up and leave the nest. What are you doing to do after that?

Maybe it's ok to start making friends. Start adjusting work hours to be in better balance. Delegate more tasks to other employees.

Don't worry about dating if you aren't ready to think about that. But building community outside of the kids and husband might be something to think about as a starting place to return you to a more healthy way of going/being.

As to dating? There are other introverts in the world. And people who have been divorced and start dating again and form new blended families. It's not unheard of.

so what do people think? Is this something that can work and that I can actually be “happy” with?

If you aren't into open relationships and don't really want to be in one? I don't know why you agreed. I don't know that you'd find happiness on that path.

Or am I doomed to a life of just putting up with it and being miserable and heart broken so that everyone else can be happy?

Who is the one dooming you to that? It is possible for you to say "No, thanks." For you to STOP putting up with things. And NOT do open relationship. You can chose to be FREE FROM any open/poly stuff that you do not want. Bow out.

You choosing things in your life? Doesn't stop him from being FREE TO pursue whatever it is he wants in his own life.

Right now it seems like the only unhappy person is me. And is it worth ripping our family apart for something just becuase I’m not happy. 5 people’s happy lives vs just my 1 life.

I don't get this thinking. People are each responsible for their own happiness.

What's so great about the married family structure you have now? You sound miserable in it.

The family structure would adjust to being a "divorced family structure" like any other divorced family does. It's up to the people involved how well they transition.

I don't think it's worth throwing YOU under the bus. Is that what you want to teach the kids to do if they grow up and find themselves in similar? That they should throw themselves under the bus and put up with stuff they do not really want in their adult relationships? So everyone else around but them is happy?

That's sounds a like a miserable way to be. :(

I think modeling "healthy divorce" would serve the kids better in case they ever find themselves in that place.

But I am not you. You have to pick for you.

I get that contemplating big life changes is hard. But when it is all hard anyway? PICK your hard then.

Hopefully picking the path that stinks the least. And only you can figure out what that is for you.

However it is you decide to go? I hope in time things get better for you.

Galagirl
 
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TXretired

Member
Welcome. With him flirting with employees, having any for of sexual relationship with any employee, puts the whole shebang up for grabs. Lawsuit for sexual harassment, stalking and toxic work environment just for starters. His first mistake was going behind your back. His second was playing in the work sand box. It will eventually catch up to him. You need to protect yourself first.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
So I told him that I would be ok with him seeing other people. Am I really? Probably not. But what is my alternative? Divorce? Separation? That’s not going to make me any happier. At this point fuck happiness I just don’t want to be miserable.

I am not sure I understand why you think that some kind of divorce or relationship alteration couldn't possibly help. I mean, is it going to make you MORE miserable? You sound like you are kind of scraping the bottom the barrel and are just rocking back and forth waiting for your misery to overtake you entirely.

I'm not saying that to be insensitive, just that I don't know if you are aware of how much misery and resentment is just dripping from this post. Sometimes we need to recognize that something just isn't working, and hasn't been working, and likely isn't going to miraculously start working. In those instances a change is the order of the hour.

0 friends 0 hobbies. I just spend time with my kids in my free time and I’m very introverted. So what normal person would want to date me after having 4 kids my body is not the same as it was though I’m not overweight I have issues with my appearance especially my stomach. So plastic surgery? Then maybe someone would be interested in me?

God that is fucking grim.

For the self-image stuff you might seek out a good therapist. We all struggle with this depressing stuff and it's one of the things that therapists tend to have at least a little bit of skill in handling. Note: I am not suggesting couples therapy, I'm talking about you personally getting in to therapy to address the considerable issues with your self-image.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Tigers12,

You are saying that you need to be okay with an open relationship. To that end, I can offer a few links:
Having said that, it struck me that you wanted to be okay with it exactly as it is with no concessions on his part. At the very least, I do not think he should be messaging his other girlfriends when he is supposedly spending quality time with you. If he continues with that kind of behavior, then yes I believe you should leave him.

I also think that you should put a limit on how long you will wait, and how much work you will put in, for you to start feeling okay about this. A year? Five years? Ten years? Fifty? It does not seem healthy to me for you to be spending the rest of your life in this awful state. Pick a time frame and set a date on the calendar, a jubilee date on which you will set yourself free whatever it takes. Divorce and starting over may not be the worst thing that could happen. You may be already experiencing the worst thing.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

Evie

Mod
Hi Tigers12 and welcome to the board.

I see you and hubby are extremely entangled in not just your family life, but your professional one, too.

I'm guessing from the outside looking in, a lot of people see him living it up and enjoying the business success and the wealth you've both worked hard towards, and here you are, the rather frustrated, unhappy, turning a blind eye business wife. It's almost a movie plot because it's so clichéd. Not suggesting your situation is an anyway unreal, just that it's so real it's a story many identify with.

So, let's consider the movie options.

Divorce, drama, a different unhappy.

or

Start living exactly the same way hubby does. Become his equal in the way he conducts himself, spends money on other people, etc. Actively make friends and see who turns into a close friend. If he's not your emotional, romantic match right now, let yourself be open to finding at least an emotional partner, a friend.

He has communicated to you what is wrong in your relationship...the excitement has gone. Whatever you started out as is past and now you need to build a new future. You can either address those things that he already said he wanted with you (although maybe you can't because you don't work together anymore) or agree that he can find those things elsewhere, and then you build your own life. Become an independent woman in a marriage that could even simply be one of convenience for a while. Who knows, if he sees you ignite your own spark again, he may come back to the marriage, too. Perhaps this seems a little fantastical, but it really does read like the bottom line is you've been sucked into a narrative that is traditional, and it's not working for you.

So, take back the control of your life.
 

3908

Member
Tigers12,
welcome to the board.

other far more experienced poly folks have responded to your post.

I don't have the experience they do, but I now sort of have some.

You sound like you are in a rough place. I put my wife into a rough place maybe 6 months ago with my opening up about being interested in poly.

I've realized about 20 years ago that I thought I was into swinging, but what I imagined for it then was actually Polyamory, from what I know today about myself.
Here I am today in my mid 40s, Christian marriage, Family......
when i first opened up to my wife, shew was angry, we had fights, over and over, there were hypothetical conversations day after day, where she asks me scenarios and i respond with how it might look for me. i explained that i was not seeking sex, i was really wanting affection and emotional connection with other women. my wife is not particularly affectionate. she recognizes this.
i told her i didnt mind if she had a boyfriend, she wanted nothing to do with that, shes still not interested in that as of this writing.
I learned here on the board not to try to force my interest in poly on her, so i stepped back. my wife said she would never consent to poly, at one point when i basically gave up on my desires, then surprisingly, she changed, she compromised.

In her compromise, she said she was ok with me being friends with one of her girlfriends. it is not an average friendship, my wife trusts her, and we (myself and her friend) have freedom (consent from my wife) to be affectionate and to connect emotionally. I'm not obligated to tell my wife a lot of details of our meetings. our meetings feel like dating.

I see ideal poly in my life to be Primary/Secondary
my wife is my primary and a female friend(s) are secondary. I personally think I would like secondary to be a married woman, that way they are not single and wanting to get all my attention, I dont have alot of spare time anyway.
when im with my wifes friend, when we are together for a few hours or a day, its all about us, during our meetings, we only focus on each other.
My wife will always be my Primary, no matter what, i will never leave her.

others here have talked of different options for you to consider pursuing, such as divorce. im not pro divorce, but im against abuse of any kind in a relationship. perhaps a counselor could help you and your husband with the toxic/abuse. perhaps for the sake of your marriage you and your husband could come to a compromise in the area of poly. consent is not approval. perhaps in a compromise some kind of primary secondary config could be an option?

you mention...
So what normal person would want to date me after having 4 kids my body is not the same as it was though I’m not overweight I have issues with my appearance especially my stomach. So plastic surgery? Then maybe someone would be interested in me?



Im in my mid 40s, my body is not what it once was, women in their 40s bodies are not what they once were. I think a regular guy would have grace and understanding that peoples bodies change as they get older.
If some dude (or woman) is only interested in your body, they are a really shallow person, and not worth your time.
me personally, I have no problem with a older woman having a stomach, just saying :)

hopefully some part of my rambling has connected with you.

take care
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Do you even like your husband? He doesn't sound great. The emotional affairs, the "needing" PDA to show off or whatever for other people, the lack of quality time with you.

It sounds like you have been trying really hard but your marriage is still a struggle. It doesn't sound fun at all. Why suffer more?

Rather than giving the marriage one more try, why not take that shared goal and channel it into trying to achieve an amicable divorce? Figure out how to divine the business and transition out of a business partnership. Figure out how you could both live as amicable exes and co-parents and work toward that.

Plenty of women in their 40s date again and remarry.

I don't mean to give you negative or difficult advice. My perception is definitely colored by having just binged the second season of Dirty John...the backstory seems eerily similar to yours, except your marriage has been thankfully so much shorter...and I just want to say, divorce is not the worst of all options.

"Consenting" to an open relationship that you don't want sounds pretty darn terrible.

You've been married 6 years and have 4 kids...are the kids all under age 6!? No wonder you feel exhausted and broken. And your husband has been longing for other sex partners for the whole 6 years while you were pregnant/giving birth/raising teeny babies & toddlers and also working 60 hour weeks?
 

RedBill

Member
Get a divorce... Just kidding. This place can be a real broken record sometimes...

You can only control YOUR happiness. You cannot control your husbands happiness, or the children’s happiness. You have no control over your husbands behavior.

Whether you stay married or get divorced you can only control your own reaction. If husband and kids react badly you can’t do anything about it. But you can do something about yourself freaking over an open relationship. You can get therapy, you can get yr own boyfriend, ect.

Your husband is wealthy and in his prime. The type of women he has access to now he has never had access to ever before I his life. So he probably isn’t going to decide to give up his freedom to have sex with all those beautiful women.

You could deff get yourself a sugar baby as well... But. If you want another attractive wealthy man, like your husband. It is going to be very difficult in the dating market as a middle aged female with a bunch of kids. That’s just reality. Esp. Because imagine the dating pool for wealthy attractive men. You are already married to one so divorce is not something I would take lightly. Esp. If status is a dating requirement. Men who have all the options in the world tend to cheat and/or require sexual freedom... So the next well-off man you fall for could make the same demands as your current.

It really does seem like, if everyone else is happy you could get strategical and put some energy in being happy with the situation before you blow it all up. Because like I said, in divorce you have no control of how anyone else reacts, including your husbands future spouses who will be influencing your children....


You've been married 6 years and have 4 kids...are the kids all under age 6!? No wonder you feel exhausted and broken. And your husband has been longing for other sex partners for the whole 6 years while you were pregnant/giving birth/raising teeny babies & toddlers and also working 60 hour weeks?
lol shaming men for being poly now...

“Oh my god! Your husband wants other people even though you are working 60hr weeks!!!” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Are you even poly? You don’t understand how desire works clearly. 😘🤣
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
My husband does love me and when we were working for someone else he would show too much PDA in my opinion. About 2 years ago I told him no more PDA at work and that absolutely crushed him. He told me not to take that away from him because he “needed” it. I told him to just come home and we can have more intimate family time but work was just not the place for it.
I see why you said that, and I totally said the same thing to Knight when we worked together - and honestly I regret that to this day because I think it took him out of the habit of lots of PDA with me and I miss it. Not saying you were wrong, but if I had it to do again I wouldn't.

He came home the other night and we had a really nice evening but at the end he was checking his damn phone again messaging people. This immediately brought up feelings of resentment and hate ( which I think is a defense for me because I get so hurt) Why am I not enough?
If you really want to rebuild something - which I'm not really convinced you should based on the rest of what you're saying here, but I understand that these things are more complicated than what can show up on a few lines of text - I think it's reasonable to ask for your husband's *actual* presence for certain spaces of time. I'm not saying all the time - if you *are* going to have a relationship that allows other people then he'll need some time for building those relationships as well - but wanting undivided attention is NOT too much to ask.

Maybe I will get used to the idea of him being in other relationships and I’ll just get over it. I have no other friends. If I were to enter another relationship with someone idk where I would even start. I don’t do much outside of work except see my family occasionally. 0 friends 0 hobbies. I just spend time with my kids in my free time and I’m very introverted. So what normal person would want to date me after having 4 kids my body is not the same as it was though I’m not overweight I have issues with my appearance especially my stomach.
I think, before worrying about your relationship with your husband, maybe this is where you need to focus your energy. I hear that you're introverted - but getting literally every ounce of social stimulation in your life from your husband and kids is really not sustainable or healthy - after all, your kids are gonna grow up some day so you're gonna need some parts of your life that are *yours*. I mean, I've written a bit here and there about disentangling being one of the really good things about polyamory for me and Knight - after all, we had the progression of "high school sweethearts to working in the same place and sharing the same intense hobby, some couple-based non-monogamy, and then kid" - it gets *really* easy to not know where you end and your partner begins after that. And society encourages that as a goal! But whether mono or non mono, I don't think it's really healthy for any couple. (And my instinct says that overly-tight fusion of your lives might be part of *why* your husband is so set on having other relationships, but that's a hunch.)

As for your stomach? I have an *ugly* c-section scar (seriously, it didn't heal in proper alignment so I have what can only be described as a divot) and am 30+ lbs over where *I* think I should weigh. I have had *no* shortage of people wanting to have emotional or sexual relationships with me since I had my kid, and the ones I was vulnerable enough with to discuss it tell me that it's not nearly as big a deal as I think it is. I am 100% sure you'd have the same experience... and anyone who didn't think that it was a non-issue isn't worth your time.

Start living exactly the same way hubby does. Become his equal in the way he conducts himself, spends money on other people, etc. Actively make friends and see who turns into a close friend. If he's not your emotional, romantic match right now, let yourself be open to finding at least an emotional partner, a friend.
I 100% agree with this, and the rest of the post.

“Oh my god! Your husband wants other people even though you are working 60hr weeks!!!” 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Are you even poly? You don’t understand how desire works clearly. 😘🤣

Or she understands how poly, desire, and being a gd adult works?!? I *want* lots of things. I *want*, sometimes, to run off to Tahiti with Artist and not come back for a month. I *want* a drawer full of La Perla lingerie. I *want* a shiny BMW convertible. As a person with commitments though, what I *get* is the occasional weekend away, pretty lacy things that cost 1/10 of La Perla, and a 7 year old Mazda3 with a back seat so my kid has a place to be (as opposed to a Miata).

When you commit to having a child, let alone 4, you're committing to actually being present as a parent. Leaving your partner to care for the child(ren) and not holding up your half of the bargain is not ok.
 

RedBill

Member
When you commit to having a child, let alone 4, you're committing to actually being present as a parent. Leaving your partner to care for the child(ren) and not holding up your half of the bargain is not ok.

Longing doesn’t equal action. Reed acted like the act of longing was bad, like anyone can help what they long for

Did you read the original post? They are both workaholics and the children are cared for by nannies. He’s not leaving anyone high and dry to care for the kids alone. The bias around here, SMH. It’s like y’all only read the parts you want to read.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Longing doesn’t equal action. Reed acted like the act of longing was bad, like anyone can help what they long for
Hmm, that is a fair criticism of the wording of her post, although I didn't read it like that -my comment was speaking more to the *actions* of the male partner (flirting with coworkers, the whole thing with the office manager, etc). You're correct in that there's absolutely nothing wrong with *wanting* what you want, if that wasn't clear in my other comment - it's what you do about it that's the question.

They are both workaholics and the children are cared for by nannies. He’s not leaving anyone high and dry to care for the kids alone.
That is actually the opposite of what the post said:
  • The original poster *specifically* talked about being left alone with the children:
    I spent the first 4 years pretty isolated and alone with very young children.
  • I read the nannies as a newer development (emphasis mine):
    At this point as well I am working less hours, have more time off, have nanny’s everyday for the kids.

Perhaps you're right and he is not *currently* leaving his partner alone with the kids. That said, that doesn't mean that there isn't some repair that needs to be done within the relationship based on those previous actions, both leaving the partner alone with the kids and the (unwanted and un-agreed-to) non monogamy. Assuming of course that they want it to be a relationship; truthfully I'd actually agree with part of what you said here:

You can only control YOUR happiness. You cannot control your husbands happiness, or the children’s happiness. You have no control over your husbands behavior.

Whether you stay married or get divorced you can only control your own reaction. If husband and kids react badly you can’t do anything about it. But you can do something about yourself freaking over an open relationship. You can get therapy, you can get yr own boyfriend, ect.

I don't necessarily think agreeing to an unwanted open relationship is a good thing, and certainly it's not really polyamory. It *is*, however, a practical choice that has been made by women (and some men, though the proportions are most likely fewer) throughout history and may be a "better bad choice" than divorce.
 
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Marcus

Well-known member
I don't necessarily think agreeing to an unwanted open relationship is a good thing, and certainly it's not really polyamory. It *is*, however, a practical choice that has been made by women (and some men, though the proportions are most likely fewer) throughout history and may be a "better bad choice" than divorce.

It depends on what the goal is. If the goal is to stay married and happiness isn't a factor, then I guess someone could convince themselves that staying together is a reasonable decision. However, the moment happiness and potential flourishing is a goal, this whole agreeing to something terrible just looks like piling one bad decision onto another and hoping they smoosh together to create a good decision.

I'm not personally concerned about the details of these types of situations. There is always plenty of blame to go around and a cubic ton of context that is intentionally left out, but in the end the only thing that matters is that the relationship is plagued with deep resentment. I can't fathom why "the relationship" would ever become more important than the people actually in it.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I can't fathom why "the relationship" would ever become more important than the people actually in it.
One word answer? Money. If you're in a relationship that is economically entangled to the point that your standard of living - or even more significantly, that of your children - will be severely compromised by that relationship ending, sometimes it's a not unreasonable choice to attempt to maximize happiness within that relationship rather than ending it.

I mean, I hear you on the resentment - it's a situation I swore I would never be in based on what I saw of my parents. But I also have been in a spot (and arguably still am, if less so these days) where it was completely financially infeasible for me to live independently of my partner. Luckily, Knight and I don't have a level of problems where I've ever actually wanted to leave - but it's still a reality that even had I wanted to it would not have been a good idea.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Hey tiger and welcome to the forum.

when you asked him to change Public DA’s to private DA’s did anyone think to do a love language inventory or assessment? OR find out his motivations behind such a need ? I don’t think you’re going to be able to put that genie back into the bottle but it might help to get a bigger picture.

So you separated for 4 months. What changed or happened that got you back under the same roof.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
One word answer? Money. If you're in a relationship that is economically entangled to the point that your standard of living - or even more significantly, that of your children - will be severely compromised by that relationship ending, sometimes it's a not unreasonable choice to attempt to maximize happiness within that relationship rather than ending it.

I get it. I think of it as a similar decision about keeping a job that just makes me miserable. It's just a matter of weighing what I have now against the cost of trying to get something different.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
It's just a matter of weighing what I have now against the cost of trying to get something different.
I think that along with the threat of loss of life$tyle, fear of the unknown drives an awful lot of people to hang onto misery. After so many years of emotional drudgery, many people keep hanging on because the fear of all the pieces of an unimaginable and different life is overwhelming. What appears on the outside to be devotion is often just terror of making changes.
 

Tigers12

New member
I have read all your replies multiple times and I am truly humbled by everyone actually seeming like they care. It actually has helped me I read all the links and have been looking at things at every angle. I was also in a really angry depressed mood when I wrote that out of desperation. Some things I have been thinking about...

I don’t think my husband “abandoned” me and the kids. He worked his ass off and he was actually living at work for months sleeping on a tiny couch. He is tired. He is stressed. But he still loves what he does with a passion as well. In the beginning before we were working for ourselves I felt like he was choosing work over me when he would stay late for no extra money etc. And I was lonely as hell but I don’t think his intention was to make me feel like that. He says he did it all for me and our kids so we can have a better life and when the oldest turns 5 he has a goal to be home every night for dinner and hopefully the businesses will be able to run on their own and we may even get time off together.

we had a long talk last night and I expressed my concerns with him and coworkers. He agrees it’s not ideal to date coworkers but he also doesn’t do anything besides work so it’s all he looks at all day. He has no one in mind that he would date at this time and he says he is not flirting with anyone. He said it would have to be a very special specific person that understands their “role” meaning they are second to his family. So I feel a little more ok with the whole thing. He is talking to the 20 year old but he says he would never flirt with her first. If she flirted with him he would flirt back but he said he would inform me if it happened. I also know said 20 year old well and I don’t think dads with kids are her type. She’s more into the athletic asshole type.

Also since our business is doing better I have also had more time off then I have ever had which has improved my mental state. I have multiple nanny’s and I could go out if I wanted to at this point (I had no help until #4 was born). I also have a whole day free to myself which I don’t even know what to do with since I’m so used to working 7 days a week. Last Sunday when I was off I just went into work and did whatever because I didn’t know what else to do. I try hard to make time for each child individually everyday. It helps not having to clean the house or cook. I do feel like they are happy but all kids are 4 and under and really don’t understand what is going on. When he is home he is fully engaged in playing with the kids since he gets no time with them. Sometimes I also bring one kid to work a day to spend time with him. They sit in the office and watch tv but he loves it.

I also decided last night to try cross fit. My first class is Wednesday. Who knows maybe I’ll find a hot trainer and hit it off.

The goal is to not divorce and to try to live so everyone is happy. I’m trying to be ok with this I really am. It’s just hard. I’m going to give it a shot and see how it goes. I do feel like it would destroy our business if we separated. I could work my ass off and support my whole family at the lifestyle I’m at now but I honestly just don’t want to. I could make as much if not more then my husband if I put in the hours he does. I actually have outproduced him when we are working equal hours. I’m only 32 and have no life or friends but maybe I’ll be able to find something besides work at this point in my life. I have a lot of charities I could volunteer for that would die for my help (doing the job I do now). And I used to love horseback riding. Maybe I’ll buy an expensive horse and start training again at a community barn. I have just have nothing besides him and my kids in my life and maybe I need to have something outside of just him. I can’t rely on him to make me happy. If I just focus on what he is doing all the time I literally drive myself crazy. So I’m going to try to do more things for me.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Sounds like at this time, you are going to stay married and try to give open/poly a try.

You might want to read about open models. It could work out fine if other people you each date "understands their role." But a common drawback to primary-secondary is that sometimes it gets outgrown and people want coprimary. Then what? Will you be prepared?

Other things to read might be


You might talk about what if the expected happens. You didn't ask for it, but what if you are more successful than him at poly dating? Then what? Just because he hasn't found a partner you have to dump yours?

You might also think about postnuptial agreements if it DOES end up in divorce. A whole lot easier to have that all sorted ahead of time when calm and not ever need it, than for things to hit the fan and then be scrambling around while upset. People always seem to think it will go back to "original couple and those other people" if things don't pan out. But sometimes people end up paired off different, or down to everyone single. You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.

You might talk about a "messy people" list you both agree not to get involved with. Like not dating each other's parents, siblings, best friend, nannies, employees. I get that all he sees are work people, but flirting with or dating one's employees can lead to some serious weird esp when you are the boss/business owner.

I have just have nothing besides him and my kids in my life and maybe I need to have something outside of just him. I can’t rely on him to make me happy. If I just focus on what he is doing all the time I literally drive myself crazy. So I’m going to try to do more things for me.

Glad to hear this. Both of you might look into achieving a better work/life balance now that you DO have help with the children and the nannies.

I'm glad you are thinking about taking a gym class, volunteering, and returning to your love of horses.

The headline of your newspaper is "Tigers12." It's ok for there to be sections in your newspaper for "mother" and "wife" and "work." But a newspaper has many articles and sections, not just the sports or comics, right?

You don't stop being individual you just because you are part of a couple that is married and coparenting. You don't become some sort of CoupleBlob joined at the hip.

Galagirl
 
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