My partner L (26F) and I (26M) have been together for 4 very loving years. We started engaging with notions of poly and openness about 2 years ago. It started with my suggestion of her exploring and being free in her bisexuality more by seeing women while we were together, then she grew comfortable with the idea of me seeing other women as well. We were constantly checking in with each other, making sure we were good and it was going great. However I was never ever into the idea of her seeing other men; and from early on we were on the same page about that, she explicitly had no eyes for men.
But this past winter, L for the first time brought up her *desire* for men, that it’s natural for her to find other men attractive, and asked me if I would ever be open to her dating men. It was hurtful for me to hear all this, and I expressed my discomfort and unwillingness. She said this idea was important for her to regain or reclaim her sexual autonomy. I understood where she was coming from, so I did say that maybe down the line, as our relationship evolves, that could be something we could work towards, but I didn’t see that happening in the near future.
Then this spring into summer, she went away to her home country for 2 months because of family emergency. Now, over the past 4 years, we have had many occasions where we were doing long-distance multiple months at a time. It was never ideal but we rocked at it every time, staying communicative but also giving each other space and what not. Plus, being away from each other for a while really charged our independent selves and autonomy.
This time wasn’t all that different, but she brought up the conversation of opening up our relationship to include her being intimate with men. She expanded on her reason for this push, about reclaiming her sexual autonomy, to feel empowered again; she also expanded on how while she IS bi, she doesn’t have as strong a desire towards women as she does towards men, and having freedom to engage intimately with women doesn’t really feel like freedom when she’s unable to engage with men the same way. Again, I expressed that I was nowhere near ready for that, and again, maybe somewhere in the trajectory of our relationship this could happen if we worked towards it. She came back home and we were together again, but I saw that she was growing more antsy and feeling increasingly suffocated.
Then I left the country 3 weeks ago for something. And 2 weeks ago, all this sort of blew up. Now it was a *need* for her to have this freedom and regain her sexual autonomy. She’s a very physically affectionate and intimate person, and she feels deprived from experiencing this aspect of her personhood by this block of closedness of our relationship. At the same time, she has been adamantly expressive of how much she loves me and wants to be with me; we both imagined our lives together, and all that serious relationship shit.
We are stuck and heartbroken. I can’t meet her needs, but we desperately want to stay together. She is coming to where I am on Monday, and we are going to spend 9 days together and try to save our relationship.
Without suggesting break up (because I’m aware that that’s the easiest solution right now) what are some things we could do to restore her sexual autonomy? What are your insights having read what I’ve written above? Please help ☹
But this past winter, L for the first time brought up her *desire* for men, that it’s natural for her to find other men attractive, and asked me if I would ever be open to her dating men. It was hurtful for me to hear all this, and I expressed my discomfort and unwillingness. She said this idea was important for her to regain or reclaim her sexual autonomy. I understood where she was coming from, so I did say that maybe down the line, as our relationship evolves, that could be something we could work towards, but I didn’t see that happening in the near future.
Then this spring into summer, she went away to her home country for 2 months because of family emergency. Now, over the past 4 years, we have had many occasions where we were doing long-distance multiple months at a time. It was never ideal but we rocked at it every time, staying communicative but also giving each other space and what not. Plus, being away from each other for a while really charged our independent selves and autonomy.
This time wasn’t all that different, but she brought up the conversation of opening up our relationship to include her being intimate with men. She expanded on her reason for this push, about reclaiming her sexual autonomy, to feel empowered again; she also expanded on how while she IS bi, she doesn’t have as strong a desire towards women as she does towards men, and having freedom to engage intimately with women doesn’t really feel like freedom when she’s unable to engage with men the same way. Again, I expressed that I was nowhere near ready for that, and again, maybe somewhere in the trajectory of our relationship this could happen if we worked towards it. She came back home and we were together again, but I saw that she was growing more antsy and feeling increasingly suffocated.
Then I left the country 3 weeks ago for something. And 2 weeks ago, all this sort of blew up. Now it was a *need* for her to have this freedom and regain her sexual autonomy. She’s a very physically affectionate and intimate person, and she feels deprived from experiencing this aspect of her personhood by this block of closedness of our relationship. At the same time, she has been adamantly expressive of how much she loves me and wants to be with me; we both imagined our lives together, and all that serious relationship shit.
We are stuck and heartbroken. I can’t meet her needs, but we desperately want to stay together. She is coming to where I am on Monday, and we are going to spend 9 days together and try to save our relationship.
Without suggesting break up (because I’m aware that that’s the easiest solution right now) what are some things we could do to restore her sexual autonomy? What are your insights having read what I’ve written above? Please help ☹