Partner and I are at a critical point, please help

DaGazeebo

New member
My partner L (26F) and I (26M) have been together for 4 very loving years. We started engaging with notions of poly and openness about 2 years ago. It started with my suggestion of her exploring and being free in her bisexuality more by seeing women while we were together, then she grew comfortable with the idea of me seeing other women as well. We were constantly checking in with each other, making sure we were good and it was going great. However I was never ever into the idea of her seeing other men; and from early on we were on the same page about that, she explicitly had no eyes for men.

But this past winter, L for the first time brought up her *desire* for men, that it’s natural for her to find other men attractive, and asked me if I would ever be open to her dating men. It was hurtful for me to hear all this, and I expressed my discomfort and unwillingness. She said this idea was important for her to regain or reclaim her sexual autonomy. I understood where she was coming from, so I did say that maybe down the line, as our relationship evolves, that could be something we could work towards, but I didn’t see that happening in the near future.

Then this spring into summer, she went away to her home country for 2 months because of family emergency. Now, over the past 4 years, we have had many occasions where we were doing long-distance multiple months at a time. It was never ideal but we rocked at it every time, staying communicative but also giving each other space and what not. Plus, being away from each other for a while really charged our independent selves and autonomy.

This time wasn’t all that different, but she brought up the conversation of opening up our relationship to include her being intimate with men. She expanded on her reason for this push, about reclaiming her sexual autonomy, to feel empowered again; she also expanded on how while she IS bi, she doesn’t have as strong a desire towards women as she does towards men, and having freedom to engage intimately with women doesn’t really feel like freedom when she’s unable to engage with men the same way. Again, I expressed that I was nowhere near ready for that, and again, maybe somewhere in the trajectory of our relationship this could happen if we worked towards it. She came back home and we were together again, but I saw that she was growing more antsy and feeling increasingly suffocated.

Then I left the country 3 weeks ago for something. And 2 weeks ago, all this sort of blew up. Now it was a *need* for her to have this freedom and regain her sexual autonomy. She’s a very physically affectionate and intimate person, and she feels deprived from experiencing this aspect of her personhood by this block of closedness of our relationship. At the same time, she has been adamantly expressive of how much she loves me and wants to be with me; we both imagined our lives together, and all that serious relationship shit.

We are stuck and heartbroken. I can’t meet her needs, but we desperately want to stay together. She is coming to where I am on Monday, and we are going to spend 9 days together and try to save our relationship.

Without suggesting break up (because I’m aware that that’s the easiest solution right now) what are some things we could do to restore her sexual autonomy? What are your insights having read what I’ve written above? Please help ☹
 

TinCup

Member
What you are describing is called a one penis policy. Search on that and there will be a lot for you to consider.

But basically, it's time for you to put some emotional work into your insecurity.

Your wife is doing an excellent job of describing her wants and why.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle. Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words. You correct me if I'm wrong.

  • 4 years ago. You start dating. The agreements are Closed.

  • 2 years ago. You both agree to renegotiate agreements to have an Open relationship so she can date women and explore her bisexuality.

  • Winter 2020. She asked if you would ever be open to her dating men. You said not right now, maybe down the line. No actual plan to address that though so you can BECOME more willing/able down the line.

  • Summer 2021. Six months later, she brings it up again. You said not right now, maybe down the line. No actual plan.

  • Fall 2021. Two weeks ago in early Sept it blows up again. She loves you and wants to be with you. But she also really wants to be able to date both men and women. Still no plan to address that.

  • Now you are asking for help to make a plan rather than just break up.
Is that true?


Again, I expressed that I was nowhere near ready for that, and again, maybe somewhere in the trajectory of our relationship this could happen if we worked towards it.

And what would "working toward it" look like then? I'm not getting the vibe that this was ever discussed.

Without suggesting break up (because I’m aware that that’s the easiest solution right now) what are some things we could do to restore her sexual autonomy? What are your insights having read what I’ve written above? Please help ☹

You could stop talking in "we." Sometimes you and her might be a "we", a couple. Other times you are you, and she is she. Individuals. You could look at what each person could do on what layer.

I do not think "we" do anything about her sexual autonomy. How she chooses to share her body? That's her business and belongs to her. Just the same as it goes for you and your body.

HER

On her end? She could tell you "Look, I've waited 9 mos. We are already open for two years and I've been dating women. I have been up front and honest with you. I can't keep my life on indefinite hold just because you aren't doing the work on your side or being honest with me.

I want to pick a starting date. I suggest I start dating men in January because that's been a year since I brought this up. On the outside March or June. But def by June, I'm just going to start dating men."

Because you can't sit on the fence forever on this. Either of you.

Her consent to participate in an "open only to other women" thing with you? Belongs to her. And if she wants to withdraw consent? And not participate in that model any more? She can do that.

I don't think her sexual autonomy been the problem. The problem is that she was doing a "Open only to Women" model with you. And it's started to pinch and she wanted to talk to you about renegotiating agreements to change models to "Open to men and women."

And you didn't talk and start taking actions to work toward the "someday" goal. You just did some nice talk and put off taking any actions.

YOU

On your end? You could do some soul searching first.

Your consent to participate in things belongs to you. So if you don't want to be in a poly network with her that includes other dudes? Best you are up front about that. Don't string her along. Just say "No. I don't think I will ever want that."

Is it that conflict resolution is hard for you? And have just been kicking the can down the road to avoid conflict? Or to avoid a break up? But then you aren't learning how to do better conflict resolution so it circles back around and you ostrich again?

If willing to try... Are you ABLE to do the work? Well, you find out after trying if you are actually able. What have you tried? Nothing so far.

So that's probably frustrating her. She's doing the decent thing and bringing up concerns up front and telling you agreements pinch and trying to renegotiate rather than cheating on agreements. And your response has been... to do nothing really.

Could apologize for that behavior. Then get on with trying some actionable things.
Find the people and tools to help you articulate what it is that bothers you about her dating men.
  • On my end? I know DH wants genetic monogamy. He doesn't care if I date women or men. He does NOT want more children, or more children by other people. Fortunately, I agree. I don't want any more kids either. Or him having them with other people. We both very much want to be done with the parenting chapter of life. Is it that for you? Men make you nervous because they could cause an accidental pregnancy where women cannot do that? You want a firm agreement around family planning?

  • Is is fear that you can't compete? Like she'd enjoy sex with another dude more than with you? And her sharing sex with women doesn't bother you because you can't compete even if you wanted to because you aren't in a female body?
Is it something else?

TOGETHER

Without suggesting break up (because I’m aware that that’s the easiest solution right now) what are some things we could do to restore her sexual autonomy? What are your insights having read what I’ve written above? Please help ☹

Why are you both against easiest solution? Why is "preserving the current relationship model" more important than "change the relationship model to save the people?" Cuz if you have come to an impasse, could being exes and friends work out better than banging heads on wall?

It sounds like you both want to try all possibilities before breaking up. That would be the last resort thing. Well, talk ALL the options out when you gather to talk. Put them in order of preference.
  • If you just don't want men in the network? You say so plain.
  • If you are willing to work on your stuff so you can BECOME ok with men in the network? How about listing and then doing some actionable things instead of more "one day maybe" talk but not actually doing anything?
  • If you find you love each other but want very different things? Sometimes the last loving thing one does is to part ways with grace.
    • This is objectionable because.... why?
    • A "good" break up to you would be...
    • A "good" break up to her would be...

I encourage you both to talk honestly about what is realistic and reasonable here. Nine ish months of dancing around it is enough time in limbo isn't it?

Could address it all more forthrightly. Rather than leaning away, lean IN and have the conversations you need to be having even if some of them feel scary or hard.

Could read this together.


Even though you aren't starting from monogamy and are starting from "open to women only" some of that might apply here if you try to move toward "open to both men and women."

Galagirl
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
Figure out why you are so anti-men. Then work on that as YOUR issue. And stop cock-blocking her - she's right, her sexual autonomy is incredibly important (as is yours). Stop trying to control her and control YOURSELF instead. It will take soul searching, but it's very doable. Gala has provided some resources above to help with that.

Another wee technique is to ask yourself two questions as you follow your train of thought:

"what does that mean to me?"

and

"why would that be so bad?"

Don't stop too early in this process, you're trying to dig down and find out your core belief so you can address that rather than try and wrap controls around the surface layer stuff.

Good luck. Let us know how you get on with doing the actual work to be freely open.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello DaGazeebo,

I think your first step is to figure out why you have an aversion to her dating men, considering that you are okay with her dating women. What do you find so threatening about men?

My first guess would be the fear of being replaced. You do not worry about being replaced by a woman because a woman does not have the physical parts that you have. However, a man does have those parts and hence, your partner (L) could keep him and kick you to the curb, and she would still have the male parts that she desires. Maybe it sounds a little crazy when I narrate it like this, but is it possible that that is what is scaring you about men?

As it stands, the conditions you are placing on her are unfair in the sense that, you are (presumably) straight, and she is bi. So polyamory for you means, according to your sexual orientation, that you are free to date other women. And I'm sure that if you felt so inclined, that L would be fine with you dating other men. And polyamory for L means, according to her sexual orientation, that she should be free to date both men and women. By not allowing her to date other men, you are essentially limiting her on polyamory and sexual orientation. You are telling her that monogamously, she can be straight, but that polyamorously, she has to be gay. It's not fair to her, and that's why I believe that the onus is on you to start working on your issues around this.

You did tell her that eventually you might be okay with her dating men. How long is this eventually going to take? and how will this change take place? So far you don't mention any steps you are taking to adjusting your feelings on the topic. When are you going to start working on it?

You say (rather emphatically) that you don't want to break up with her. If it's that important, shouldn't it be worth starting to work on your issues about her dating men? Start now. Start answering the questions about it, and start trying some of the things GalaGirl suggested. Why wait? If you wait any longer, you might lose her, and I'm sure you don't want that.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

BlueSky

New member
My partner L (26F) and I (26M) have been together for 4 very loving years. We started engaging with notions of poly and openness about 2 years ago. It started with my suggestion of her exploring and being free in her bisexuality more by seeing women while we were together, then she grew comfortable with the idea of me seeing other women as well. We were constantly checking in with each other, making sure we were good and it was going great. However I was never ever into the idea of her seeing other men; and from early on we were on the same page about that, she explicitly had no eyes for men.

But this past winter, L for the first time brought up her *desire* for men, that it’s natural for her to find other men attractive, and asked me if I would ever be open to her dating men. It was hurtful for me to hear all this, and I expressed my discomfort and unwillingness. She said this idea was important for her to regain or reclaim her sexual autonomy. I understood where she was coming from, so I did say that maybe down the line, as our relationship evolves, that could be something we could work towards, but I didn’t see that happening in the near future.

Then this spring into summer, she went away to her home country for 2 months because of family emergency. Now, over the past 4 years, we have had many occasions where we were doing long-distance multiple months at a time. It was never ideal but we rocked at it every time, staying communicative but also giving each other space and what not. Plus, being away from each other for a while really charged our independent selves and autonomy.

This time wasn’t all that different, but she brought up the conversation of opening up our relationship to include her being intimate with men. She expanded on her reason for this push, about reclaiming her sexual autonomy, to feel empowered again; she also expanded on how while she IS bi, she doesn’t have as strong a desire towards women as she does towards men, and having freedom to engage intimately with women doesn’t really feel like freedom when she’s unable to engage with men the same way. Again, I expressed that I was nowhere near ready for that, and again, maybe somewhere in the trajectory of our relationship this could happen if we worked towards it. She came back home and we were together again, but I saw that she was growing more antsy and feeling increasingly suffocated.

Then I left the country 3 weeks ago for something. And 2 weeks ago, all this sort of blew up. Now it was a *need* for her to have this freedom and regain her sexual autonomy. She’s a very physically affectionate and intimate person, and she feels deprived from experiencing this aspect of her personhood by this block of closedness of our relationship. At the same time, she has been adamantly expressive of how much she loves me and wants to be with me; we both imagined our lives together, and all that serious relationship shit.

We are stuck and heartbroken. I can’t meet her needs, but we desperately want to stay together. She is coming to where I am on Monday, and we are going to spend 9 days together and try to save our relationship.

Without suggesting break up (because I’m aware that that’s the easiest solution right now) what are some things we could do to restore her sexual autonomy? What are your insights having read what I’ve written above? Please help ☹
I have very recently been in a similar situation. While everybody's relationships are different I think there are enough commonalties with my own situation that may be helpful to you.

For me coming to terms with my partner of 22 years wanting to be free to connect with others (both men and women, and with sex if she wanted) was extremely challenging. I felt scared, angry, insecure, jealous, inferior, and desperate. Today I don't feel that way, although some of those emotions still surface from time to time. But that is fine, it is recognizing and processing these emotions that has helped me grow as a person. These days when I spot these emotions instead of running away from them I run fully into them and I am excited because I know these are growth opportunities.

So what helped me? Recognizing that my fear and insecurity stemmed from not having a loving relationship with myself, and this in turn hurt the perception of myself and my self esteem. I started to be more conscious of my feelings and behavior, my co-dependencies with my partner, and the reasons behind them. I took time out to connect with myself. I learned to accept and love myself, and this is an ongoing and very rewarding journey. I stopped seeing myself as a victim, I started seeing myself as human being with value. I know that I have the tools to deal with any situation thrown at me. Sure some situations are going to hurt emotionally and some may take some time for me to heal and grow, but I now have the confidence that I will get through these times. And with a loving and trusting partner in my corner to support me, I say bring it on!

With this new relationship with myself, I was finally for the first time in 22 years able to start an honest and heathy relationship with my partner. My feelings now come from a place of love rather than ego. My partner is a beautiful person that I love unconditionally. She, I, and everybody else has the right to love and be loved in any way that they choose. When I got to this place I wanted my partner to experience life and happiness to the fullest. I don't fear her leaving me for somebody else because I know that I could deal with this situation if it arose. My identity is not tied to her, we are individuals. I am not in competition with her partners, I am in competition with myself to keep growing the love for myself and in turn being able to grow and share my love for everybody else in my life.

This journey did take some time. You will need space. If you are serious about taking this journey then let your partner know. It will be longer than 9 days. I would strongly advise seeing a counsellor. Most importantly be honest with her, don't ask her to gift you this time if you are not going to spend it in a healthy way. Life is very short and time is so valuable, that would not be fair to her.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I am not sure if the many links Gala provided specifically address OPP problems.

What is it about other men that scares you?
Penis size
Penis shape
Sexual stamina
Other sexual skills
Body size and shape
Hair on head or body, or lack thereof
Wealth, job, car, etc.
Social skills
All of the above
Other

As far as thinking of other women as not being a threat to your status in her life, remember that woman can and do have penises, some naturally, while other have toys shaped like penises, which may be bigger than yours, and are hard and stay hard to last for hours. Some of them even vibrate. Plus, we have boobies on our side! Well, on our fronts.

Women can have "better" bodies than you, more athletic, etc. Women can also have more wealth than you. Women are also usually more emotionally attuned to each other, which (as a pansexual woman, I know) is a huge plus. Therefore, women are just as much (or as little) a threat as men are.

Many men find the idea of 2 women having sex with each other to be a turn on. Therefore they enjoy the idea of their female partner gettin it on in hot lesbian action. But this isn't about you. It's about her. If you want to keep her, YOU need to do the work to get over this hump. It can be done. Many poly men have done it, and you can too!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi DaGazeebo,

I belatedly realized that there's another thing that might be bothering you about your partner dating men. Namely, it hurts you to know that you are not *enough* for her *as a man.* You can easily accept not being "enough as a woman," because you are not a woman, your partner must date outside your relationship if she wants to be with a woman. But she has a man: you. She does not need to date outside your relationship if she wants to be with a man. So why would she do that, unless you were inadequate to her? In this way, it hurts you for her to date men. And maybe you realize this isn't an accurate way to look at it, but you can't help how you feel.

As far as all that goes, I guess I would point out that no two men are alike. And what your partner may be seeking is variety. You may be enough for her *as one person,* but you cannot be two people. Likewise, she is likely to want to date more than just one woman. And that doesn't mean the one woman isn't adequate, it just means your partner wants variety.

Anyway those are some thoughts.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

ExpatAmor

New member
Namely, it hurts you to know that you are not *enough* for her *as a man.* You can easily accept not being "enough as a woman," because you are not a woman, your partner must date outside your relationship if she wants to be with a woman. But she has a man: you. She does not need to date outside your relationship if she wants to be with a man. So why would she do that, unless you were inadequate to her

I was recently shocked by my wife of 7 year’s poly-bomb, asking to open our marriage. This reminds me of one of the first questions from my therapist: “Does she want relationships with men or women or both? would that make a difference to you?”

My response: She wants relationships with men. It would have been easier to accept if she were only looking for relationships with women. I probably wouldn’t have really minded at all if it were only women.

I understand where DaGazeebo is coming from and I also hear what Kevin and BlueSky are saying. It can hurt a man’s ego when his wife/girlfriend wants to see other men. It does make sense that if he can see other women (his preference) she should be able to see both women and men (her preferences). That wasn’t the agreement from the beginning, but things change and need to be renegotiated. From an outside rational viewpoint fairness seems obvious, but I do relate to his hesitation to her being with other men.

I am still on the fence about opening our relationship. BlueSky said before he “felt scared, angry, insecure, jealous, inferior, and desperate.” This is a lot like where I am now. I’m curious as to how one goes from where I am now to where BlueSky is. Responses like his are extremely helpful and offer positive, hopeful perspectives.
So what helped me? Recognizing that my fear and insecurity stemmed from not having a loving relationship with myself, and this in turn hurt the perception of myself and my self esteem. I started to be more conscious of my feelings and behavior, my co-dependencies with my partner, and the reasons behind them. I took time out to connect with myself.
 
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areuthe1

New member
My partner L (26F) and I (26M) have been together for 4 very loving years. We started engaging with notions of poly and openness about 2 years ago. It started with my suggestion of her exploring and being free in her bisexuality more by seeing women while we were together, then she grew comfortable with the idea of me seeing other women as well. We were constantly checking in with each other, making sure we were good and it was going great. However I was never ever into the idea of her seeing other men; and from early on we were on the same page about that, she explicitly had no eyes for men.

But this past winter, L for the first time brought up her *desire* for men, that it’s natural for her to find other men attractive, and asked me if I would ever be open to her dating men. It was hurtful for me to hear all this, and I expressed my discomfort and unwillingness. She said this idea was important for her to regain or reclaim her sexual autonomy. I understood where she was coming from, so I did say that maybe down the line, as our relationship evolves, that could be something we could work towards, but I didn’t see that happening in the near future.

Then this spring into summer, she went away to her home country for 2 months because of family emergency. Now, over the past 4 years, we have had many occasions where we were doing long-distance multiple months at a time. It was never ideal but we rocked at it every time, staying communicative but also giving each other space and what not. Plus, being away from each other for a while really charged our independent selves and autonomy.

This time wasn’t all that different, but she brought up the conversation of opening up our relationship to include her being intimate with men. She expanded on her reason for this push, about reclaiming her sexual autonomy, to feel empowered again; she also expanded on how while she IS bi, she doesn’t have as strong a desire towards women as she does towards men, and having freedom to engage intimately with women doesn’t really feel like freedom when she’s unable to engage with men the same way. Again, I expressed that I was nowhere near ready for that, and again, maybe somewhere in the trajectory of our relationship this could happen if we worked towards it. She came back home and we were together again, but I saw that she was growing more antsy and feeling increasingly suffocated.

Then I left the country 3 weeks ago for something. And 2 weeks ago, all this sort of blew up. Now it was a *need* for her to have this freedom and regain her sexual autonomy. She’s a very physically affectionate and intimate person, and she feels deprived from experiencing this aspect of her personhood by this block of closedness of our relationship. At the same time, she has been adamantly expressive of how much she loves me and wants to be with me; we both imagined our lives together, and all that serious relationship shit.

We are stuck and heartbroken. I can’t meet her needs, but we desperately want to stay together. She is coming to where I am on Monday, and we are going to spend 9 days together and try to save our relationship.

Without suggesting break up (because I’m aware that that’s the easiest solution right now) what are some things we could do to restore her sexual autonomy? What are your insights having read what I’ve written above? Please help ☹
unfortunately it sounds like you are the only one stuck when a woman says she is thinking about something chances are it's already a done deal if she needs something or someone else WITHOUT you then what she is saying is she doesn't need you so get ready she and whom ever her need is will be moving on unless she wants to keep you as a cuck do you support her if so that is probably her plan I would tell her sure go ahead but I will be seeing other woman, men whatever don't ever bow down and this is for woman too stand up for yourself or you will become just another stepping stone on the way to who they really want
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Unfortunately, it sounds like you are the only one stuck. When a woman says she is thinking about something, chances are it's already a done deal. If she needs something or someone else WITHOUT you, then what she is saying is she doesn't need you. So get ready. She and whoever her need is for will be moving on, unless she wants to keep you as a cuck. Do you support her? If so, that is probably her plan. I would tell her, "Sure, go ahead. But I will be seeing other women, men, whatever." Don't ever bow down. And this is for women, too. Stand up for yourself, or you will become just another stepping stone on the way to whom they really want.
Thanks for your 2 cents, but this sounds like misguided advice for monogamous relationships. You may be in the wrong place. This board is a place people can come to start and maintain polyamorous relationships. Our view is that one relationship does not need to end when another one begins. Some people want to sustain multiple consenting romantic committed relationships. It's not all or nothing, or necessarily a "cuckold" situation, or someone using someone else just for financial support, while they have moved on emotionally.
 

areuthe1

New member
Perhaps you didn't read the original post? or perhaps you think the years of being another couples room mate gave you some clairvoyant insight. As stated they were both against her dating men that was the agreed to language by both, it was brought up by her at a later date they discussed it like adults. He clarified that he was uncomfortable with the idea and that they could revisit again at a latter date she apparently agreed. Then she started PRESSURING him she started acting out of the norm and was basically demanding that he accept her terms or else. These are the actions of a guilty person someone who has already done what they are seeking justification for. Perhaps you have never been in a really poly situation but the corner stone of any multiple is honesty and mutual respect she is showing none. You don't demand that it's your way or your oppressing me that is what a child does. You sit down at the table discuss, open up , state your points etc... then the group or couple make a final decision. And when someone breaks that agreement breaks that mutual respect dishonors themselves and the group as a whole that is the same as cheating or lying and should be dealt with accordingly. Or is it just the fact that it is a woman who is doing this? if it were a man you would be calling him and oppressor and saying it's a result of toxic masculinity!
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
I'll leave it to Mags to address the ad hominem assumptions lobbied at her above, if she wishes to.

This caught my eye:
You sit down at the table discuss, open up , state your points etc... then the group or couple make a final decision.
"A final decision" is a bit problematic considering how individuals can change over time.

In my relationships, decisions we made some time ago no longer work for us now and so we examine those decisions and renegotiate and update them.

In my life, decisions I made some time ago no longer work for me now and so I examine those decisions and update them.

I have no doubt that I will continue to do this my whole life, and my partners with me for shared elements. In my life, there are no final decisions, everything is actually up for consideration. Some of the decisions that look final from the outside, I still may examine and then choose internally quite regularly.

FYI, the original poster hasn't been back for a wee while, probably because they are in the middle of that 9 days they mentioned.

As for gender, you could quite easily swap all the gender indicators around and the advice would be the same: examine the personal beliefs behind the sense of needing to control who your partner can be intimate with, and understand why you have the desire to veto a whole gender. Then grow past that need.
 
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areuthe1

New member
I'll leave it to Mags to address the ad hominem assumptions lobbied at her above, if she wishes to.

This caught my eye:

"A final decision" is a bit problematic considering how individuals can change over time.

In my relationships, decisions we made some time ago no longer work for us now and so we examine those decisions and renegotiate and update them.

In my life, decisions I made some time ago no longer work for me now and so I examine those decisions and update them.

I have no doubt that I will continue to do this my whole life, and my partners with me for shared elements. In my life, there are no final decisions, everything is actually up for consideration. Some of the decisions that look final from the outside, I still may examine and then choose internally quite regularly.

FYI, the original poster hasn't been back for a wee while, probably because they are in the middle of that 9 days they mentioned.

As for gender, you could quite easily swap all the gender indicators around and the advice would be the same: examine the personal beliefs behind the sense of needing to control who your partner can be intimate with, and understand why you have the desire to veto a whole gender. Then grow past that need.
Perhaps Final decision was to strong a wording I will freely admit that, My point was to reach a consensus among members of your family group, unit, pod what have you and as such everyone abides by that agreement until it is brought to the group again to revisit which happens quite a bit especially at the beginning of a new formation of any poly unit but as it progresses individuals begin to learn each others minds and hearts and these speed bumps become just ripples to laugh about later. But what I read from original poster wasn't someone who was really interested in forming any type of family unit it seems they just want an open marriage and to sleep around and he didn't want that to lead to other men which I feel it already has . But I could be wrong I don't know them personally so I think if anyone was in the wrong site it may be him?
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Polyamory doesn't mean the building of family groups, units, pods, communes, intentional communities or anything else. People can very effectively practice polyamorous lifestyles wherein partners remain quite separate from one another. Furthermore, that separateness doesn't mean sleeping around. We don't know exactly what the OP wants, and it actually doesn't matter because we get a lot of people here talking about open relationships and we don't turn them away. There is a lot of crossover in the attitudes, values and skills required, and consequently, the advice given. Open or Poly, we generally encourage everyone with these kinds of posts to examine why they feel the need to put controls on their partner(s) for their own comfort. Especially when those controls are no longer working for their partner(s).
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Prescribing your preferred type of polyamory on other people is ignorant. Lots of ways to be consensual with non-monogamy and not all of them involve disclosure at the kitchen table (I am a kitchen table non-monogamist)

I didn't read the ops and assume that the wife was doing it already. It doesn't "always" happen that way. Absolute statements are ignorant and divisive. (Which is ironic since that was an absolute statements but I expect it to be divisive)

Not to mention the other ignorance of the post. Women also aren't the only ones to "do this".

Does it happen as the cynical one implies, sure. Is it happening based on the original post. No. Unless that person comes back and says "it was happening and it was ending" it's only bitterness that is showing, not experience
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Perhaps you didn't read the original post? or perhaps you think the years of being another couples room mate gave you some clairvoyant insight.

I'm confused as to why you think I've spent "years being another couple's roommate." Maybe you made assumptions based on my signature, and you're new and know nothing of my history. I've been in a polyamorous relationship with my domestic partner Pixi for over 12 years. We met in 2009 and we got a house together 7 years ago. She has also been in a relationship with her bf for a number of years. He has a house in the next town, and she splits her time between our house and his house. I myself have had a number of other partners over the years, as well, although currently I am not in another serious relationship.

I've had decades of polyamorous experience, as a young woman in college, and more recently beginning in 1999, during my marriage to a man (we split/divorced before I met Pixi).

Welcome to the board. Please try to avoid ad hominem attacks. That goes against our guidelines.
As stated they were both against her dating men. That was the agreed-upon language of both. It was brought up by her at a later date. They discussed it like adults. He clarified that he was uncomfortable with the idea and that they could revisit again at a latter date. She apparently agreed. Then she started PRESSURING him. She started acting out of the norm and was basically demanding that he accept her terms or else. These are the actions of a guilty person, someone who has already done what they are seeking justification for. Perhaps you have never been in a really poly situation...

Again, that is an incorrect assumption about me. I am a moderator of this board. Do you really think I am monogamous, or unexperienced in polyamory?
... but the cornerstone of any multiple is honesty and mutual respect. She is showing none. You don't demand that it's your way or say that you're oppressing me. That is what a child does. You sit down at the table, discuss, open up, state your points etc... Then the group or couple make a final decision. And when someone breaks that agreement, breaks that mutual respect, dishonors themselves and the group as a whole, that is the same as cheating or lying, and should be dealt with accordingly. Or is it just the fact that it is a woman who is doing this? if it were a man, you would be calling him an oppressor, and saying it's a result of toxic masculinity!
No, I wouldn't. If a MF couple opened because the man was bi and wanted to explore that, and later realized he needed the freedom to date women as well (or non-binary folk, transfolk, etc.), I would support him renegotiating the terms with his female partner/spouse.

You seem to be espousing a "one true poly" mindset here, and our board does not support that kind of thing. Please rein it in or we might have to take action. Thanks so much! Our group has much to offer, and we welcome varied viewpoints, but we do not allow people to push a viewpoint that their way is the only way to do poly.

We are all adults and we are autonomous individuals. The openness and honesty you encourage applies to people negotiating new terms in their relationships, as they have experiences, learn and grow into their authentic selves. Making a lifelong vow and pretending to adhere to it, even when it no longer fits, is not how polyamory works. They can lead to cheating and can defeat the whole purpose of polyamory.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Without suggesting break up (because I’m aware that that’s the easiest solution right now) what are some things we could do to restore her sexual autonomy? What are your insights having read what I’ve written above? Please help ☹

Her having her sexual autonomy would certainly help restore her sexual autonomy.

Personally I think she's making a mistake in asking you for permission to regain her sexual autonomy. It's confusion to think that someone can *give* us our autonomy, it's something that we either take for ourselves, or we allow someone to take from us.
 
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