Not ok?

[Token2]

Little background, new to poly. Hinge in a straight vee. Partner of nearly 30 years Boyfriend is long distance, kinda casual but sweet and rewarding for all.

Partner's been working really hard. So have I. Tensions mount, we get snappy, I feel like he started it but I know enough about relationship conflict to know it's almost always 2 ways. So we have a frosty 24 hours, he harbours grudges I let go as soon as the steam vents.

We got to a Xmas Party. Work thing, his mood lifts, phew, go home. He stays up to work. I get phone chatty with the boyfriend in bed. He's not been particularly communicative at night lately, a personal space thing he has a little more personal space this week so I enjoy it.

Things get sexy, we sext. Partner comes into the room - what are you doing who are you messaging? I'm all boyfriend can I have the space? He walks out but leaves the door ajar. Older kid in the house thanks.

Then 3 minutes later he comes in. I say can I have some privacy? He says this is my bedroom too. Sits next to me on the bed, no friendly vibes, glaring, still hours of his night ahead of him. ALMOST totally kills the mood for me. I obviously stopped my 'activities' but I was not happy.

Basically I asked if I knock on the door when he's having a wank in the shower? And should I start? And I did get hurt upset and he left.

I felt really violated and that that was a mean unnecessary thing to do. It's not like the boyfriend is super new or it's a surprise I enjoy connecting with him.

That's not ok is it? We've been really settled and happy for ages. It came as a shock.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Does he date? Husband I mean?

 

[GalaGirl]

Basically I asked if I knock on the door when he's having a wank in the shower? And should I start? And I did get hurt upset and he left.

I felt really violated and that that was a mean unnecessary thing to do. It's not like the boyfriend is super new or it's a surprise I enjoy connecting with him.

I'm having trouble understanding that part. The writing is very stream of consciousness with no punctuation.

So I'm gonna repeat what I think happened in my own words. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok?

You and nesting partner had some sort of tiff the day before going to his holiday work party thing. His mood seemed to improve at the party. He had to stay up to do some work, so you went to bed. There your discovered LDR BF had some unexpected time/space for phone chat which became sexy time.

Nesting partner walks in on that unexpectedly. He got annoyed to come in to find this. You got annoyed being disturbed.

Well.... he has a point. It IS his bedroom too, and this was unexpected/spontaneous sexy call time for you. Doesn't sound like it was on a schedule. He's supposed to magically know?

With kids and DH in the house...

• Did you lock the door?
• Put a sock on the door knob?
• Send DH a text you need use of the bedroom for the next hour?

Like what's your usual agreements around sexy time with LDR BF? Or maybe don't have any and this experience shows there needs to be some to avoid this kind of awkward in future?

You lose me with the wank in the shower. Did you say that to him?

And then he said "Should I start?" but doesn't really engage in conversation? He just walked off again?

That part is not clear communication. Sounds like each one getting digs in.

What's the bathroom have to do with the bedroom? Like you are pointing out that you at least knock before entering the shower in case he's masturbating in there? Well... that's the bathroom. Most people I know knock/lock the door if they are busy peeing, pooping, showering, bathing, or masturbating in there. You did not lock the shared bedroom door.

Is the expectation that each of you knocks before going into your shared bedroom ALL THE TIME in case one of you is masturbating or sexting in there? And he failed to do so? Or just hella awkward for both and coming on the heels of the tiff just made it ONE more thing?

Sounds like you both decided to continue to snap at each other / be cold rather than try to arrive at a greater understanding or clearing up expectations.

Is he work stressed? Holiday stressed? Are you?

I'd suggest cooling off, and then trying to sort expectations about unscheduled times/sexy times with LDR BF.

And ask what is going on with DH lately and his anger. Like is it X? But coming out sideways over issues Y or Z?

That's not ok is it? We've been really settled and happy for ages. It came as a shock.

YOU have been happy for ages. Might be he hasn't. So check in. Find out what's been going on with him.

Galagirl

 

[MeeraReed]

I think the OP was comparing her husband intruding on her sexting to her intruding on his private time in the shower. Like, she wouldn't disturb him masturbating in the shower, so he shouldn't disturb her sexting with her boyfriend.

However, while there might be more than one bathroom in the house, if you two share a bedroom, that makes it trickier if one of you wants spontaneous private time in the bedroom.

I firmly believe that poly people should have separate bedrooms for exactly this reason.

 

[Token2]

Husband doesn't date ATM, is not looking for it but will 1 day.

I'm having trouble understanding that part. The writing is very stream of consciousness with no punctuation.

Sorry about that.

Well.... he has a point. It IS his bedroom too, and this was unexpected call time for you. Doesn't sound like it was on a schedule. He's supposed to magically know?

With kids and DH in the house...

• Did you lock the door?
• Put a sock on the door knob?
• Send DH a text you need use of the bedroom for the next hour?

He never usually gets upset about any communication with other men.

The bedroom is kinda my zone for chilling and having my own space in the house. He chills comfortably everywhere, I like the solitude there. There's no lock, no sock, no text notification.

I didn't really feel invaded the 1st time he came in when he didn't know what was going on (I had my favourite sex toy buzzing) but when he then came back in specifically to break the mood that felt mean.

Like what's your usual agreements around sexy time with LDR BF? Or don't have any and this experience shows there needs to be some to avoid this kind of awkward?

Usually it's texting only so maybe he was surprised by the toy but to date he's been supportive. He wants to date 1 day and he wants me to be supportive when that happens.

You lose me with the wank in the shower. Did you say that to him?

And then he said "Should I start?" but doesn't really engage in conversation? He just walked off again?

That part is not clear communication. Sounds like each one getting digs in.

What's the bathroom have to do with the bedroom? Like you are pointing out that you at least knock before entering the shower in case he's masturbating in there? Well... that's the bathroom. Most people knock/lock the door that I know if they are busy peeing, pooping, showering, bathing, or masturbating in there. You did not lock the bedroom door.

He wanks in the shower as a stress release sometimes. I give him privacy. I said should I start just walking in?

Remember - it's the 2nd time he came in that I have issues with. He had several hours of work left to do - it wasn't his bedtime, the living room was empty. If he'd come in with a smile and not a sneer I'd probably just kept going.

Is the expectation that each of you knocks before going into your shared bedroom ALL THE TIME in case one of you is masturbating or sexting in there? And he failed to do so? Or just hella awkward for both and coming on the heels of the tiff just made it ONE more thing?

We're a very sexually open couple. There's no awkwardness about any sex stuff or me going to see BF or any of it.

Sounds like you both decided to continue to snap at each other / be cold rather than try to arrive at a greater understanding or clearing up expectations.

Is he work stressed? Holiday stressed? Are you?

We're both working to deadlines. The Xmas Party was the closest thing to time off in near 4 weeks. Working around the clock.

And so am I. But I'm giving myself more breaks. Our fights are always work related. I need him on another job right now, he needs to finish this 1 but gave me the expectation he could do both and it turns he can't. So I am feeling a bit let down. I understand his position I'm not sure he understands mine.

The anger is part of how he behaves under stress.

 

[Token2]

I think the OP was comparing her husband intruding on her sexting to her intruding on his private time in the shower. Like, she wouldn't disturb him masturbating in the shower, so he shouldn't disturb her sexting with her boyfriend.

However, while there might be more than one bathroom in the house, if you two share a bedroom, that makes it trickier if one of you wants spontaneous private time in the bedroom.

I firmly believe that poly people should have separate bedrooms for exactly this reason.

Oh God to have 2 bathrooms would be heaven. We live in an awesome location in an adequate house. Very lucky to have it as there's a housing crisis...

We both like sharing our bed, sleeping next to eachother brings intimacy that could be lost with separate rooms.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Oh God to have 2 bathrooms would be heaven. We live in an awesome location in an adequate house. Very lucky to have it as there's a housing crisis...

We both like sharing our bed, sleeping next to eachother brings intimacy that could be lost with separate rooms.

In my experience it does the opposite. The time spent together and bed sharing become more intentional instead of being something easy to take advantage of. I miss having my own room because, like you, I can't really relax in the main house when it's quiet and solitude that I need. Sharing a room means sharing the space. Period. Is it rude to interrupt sexy time? Yep. But it's also rude to take over shared space for sexy time without warning.

Sounds like it's time to create a plan for when you need the space to yourself OR you need to use a private space (aka the bathroom) like he does.

 

[Evie]

My husband wouldn't do this (I ran the scenario past him since we operate quite similarly). Although we share a bed, the bedroom is my main hangout space when I'm messaging with my partner, and hubs has spaces that he prefers.

I'm also sure my long distance partner would never do this to his wife in their house.

To my mind, it was mean and I'd take it as an indication that there has been some kind of issue simmering that I didn't know about. I'd be aiming to talk it out soon.

 

[Magdlyn]

Here's a little background. We are new to poly. I'm a hinge in a straight vee. I have a Partner of nearly 30 years. My Boyfriend is long distance, kinda casual but sweet and rewarding for all.

I am going to fix your grammar to make things a bit clearer for the members, if they read this far.

How long have you had this bf?

Partner's been working really hard, and so have I. When tensions mount, we get snappy. I might feel like he started it, but I know enough about relationship conflict to know it's almost always 2 ways. So we might have a frosty 24 hours. He harbours grudges. I let go as soon as the steam vents.

It sounds like you 2 have different ways/styles of dealing with conflict. You could work on this.

We went to a Xmas Party recently, a work thing. His mood lifted. Phew. We went home. He stayed up to work. I was getting phone-chatty with Boyfriend in bed. He's not been particularly communicative at night lately, a personal space thing. He has a little more personal space this week, so I am enjoying it.

Things got sexy, we started sexting. Partner came into the room, and said, "What are you doing? Who are you messaging?"

Changing to present tense:

I say, "It's my boyfriend. Can I have some space?" He walks out, but leaves the door ajar. We have an older kid in the house. Thanks! </sarcasm>

Then 3 minutes later he comes in again. I say "Can I have some privacy?" He says, "This is my bedroom too."

He sits next to me on the bed. There are unfriendly vibes. He's glaring. There are still hours of his night ahead of him.

Why is that important, the hours ahead?

This ALMOST totally kills the mood for me. I obviously stop my 'activities' but I am not happy.

Basically, I ask, "Do I knock on the door when you're having a wank in the shower? Should I start?" I am hurt and upset. He leaves.

Past tense:

I felt really violated. I think that was a mean, unnecessary thing to do. It's not like the boyfriend is super new, or it's a surprise that I enjoy connecting with him.

This was not OK, was it? We've been really settled and happy for ages. It came as a shock.

So, you're new to poly.

You and Partner are both stressed from work.

It seems you don't usually spontaneously start to sext and masturbate while Partner and kid are home and awake.

It sounds like all this was caused by Partner's work stress and your unexpected sexting state. Maybe Partner needed you for some reason, needed some emotional support, or practical work advice, or just a hug. So he felt annoyed that you weren't available. Instead of giving you space, he got mad, you got sarcastic and he huffed out of the room.

If you're new to poly, it sounds like you two need to discuss what do do if either of you wants to have some sexy phone time with an OSO while the nesting partner is home. I suggest just being open, using "I statements" without being accusatory or sarcastic.

The book, Non-Violent Communication lays out how to do this to avoid or overcome conflict. Good luck!

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more clarifying details.

Remember - it's the 2nd time he came in that I have issues with. He had several hours of work left to do - it wasn't his bedtime, the living room was empty. If he'd come in with a smile and not a sneer I'd probably just kept going.

I think you could talk to him about that when both have cooler heads.

Along with this:

We're both working to deadlines. The Xmas Party was the closest thing to time off in near 4 weeks. Working around the clock.

And so am I. But I'm giving myself more breaks. Our fights are always work related. I need him on another job right now, he needs to finish this 1 but gave me the expectation he could do both and it turns he can't. So I am feeling a bit let down. I understand his position I'm not sure he understands mine.

The anger is part of how he behaves under stress.

Sounds like a lot of work stress (source) and then it is coming out the sides in other areas of life.

Any way to schedule some rest in there and not do another run of 4 weeks in a row with no breaks?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Token,

It sounds like your partner deliberately ruined the mood for you the second time he came into the bedroom. That was totally out of line on his part, and I don't blame you for being upset about it. It seems to me that he was frustrated with work, and was taking his frustration out on you. If that is the effect his job is going to have on him, then he definitely needs to seek new employment. You might want to have a talk with him about that.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

I thought you , hubby and bf were all swingers ? I always though modesty and shyness were the first things to go.

to me it sounds like husband was pissed off he was working following the Christmas party and you were rubbing one out with BF. OR some smoldering issue that you’re not aware of. OR just the wrong day to tell him to leave the shared bedroom.

 

[Marcus]

In my experience it does the opposite. The time spent together and bed sharing become more intentional instead of being something easy to take advantage of.

I have a high need for alone time and personal space, so if I have to share my space with someone 24/7 it very quickly starts building resentment. With separate rooms there is communication about "you want to get together and watch a show and fool around?" or "I'm ordering food, come in and have a picnic if you're interested in an hour".

As a current example, my nesting partner Kira had a major surgery a week and a half ago, and I moved my bed into her room so that I could be close to her for her recovery. It worked out wonderfully, it was like camping and a high dosage of snuggles and closeness. Because I don't live in that room with her, I was able to share space with her and really indulge and enjoy the time, as well as endure the medical/pain issues without being stressed and resentful. Now I have moved my bed back in my room and we both have our own space, and we have confirmed that we can bunk up for a week should we need to in the future.

It's all about knowing what we need and taking responsibility for it. Following the tradition of sleeping in the same room just for the sake of tradition is a good way to build up resentment. It sounds like these two have resentment by the truck-loads and are currently having a fight over shared space. Not all living spaces are set up in a way to support each person having their own space, in that case it becomes an effort of figuring out how to live within the confines of what is available to give everyone as much peace as possible.

 

[Marcus]

Sounds like a lot of work stress (source) and then it is coming out the sides in other areas of life.
Any way to schedule some rest in there and not do another run of 4 weeks in a row with no breaks?

Working together under unreasonable time constraints with no time off, and living on top of each other is a great way to build some big time resentment.

Currently it sounds like the association is built for failure. It would serve everyone well to take a step back and soberly decide what can stay and what can go. Just because it sounded like a great idea to work and live together doesn't mean it should stay that way. Making a change isn't always a bad thing, usually it's just what happens when we respond appropriately to environmental pressures.

 

[Token2]

Hey thanks all.

Re - his job, it's a career changing project, he's opted to give it his all. Not sustainable as a long-term worklife but it isn't the norm. He does not resent the work or workload or working when I've opted to not to.

We talked yesterday, also went to a friend's bday party and he got a good reset and the mood has lifted.

Basically he felt like we were fighting and I sought out the bf and excluded him.

The bad vibes had been going on for a couple of days, to me it wasn't instant like that and more me just letting off steam, connecting with the boyfriend and being happy to because it's been ages since we did via text at night.

He said he felt excluded, I pointed out giving bad vibes is not the way to someone's heart and generally I think we both saw both sides.

I've offered to warn him if I want some solo time.